Broken Glass
Chapter Twenty-Eight
"Okay, Kagome, try and calm down," Sango soothed gently as she spoke to Kagome. The girl had called after school crying hysterically. She'd instantly reassured the girl she'd be over and had driven to her best friend's house. Once there, she'd taken the girl into her arms and was now holding her gently.
"But," Kagome wheezed out as she pressed her face against Sango's shoulder. Sango sighed gently. This was the second time, at least, that Inuyasha had done this to her.
"No buts," Sango warned softly, stroking Kagome's back. She felt her heart break and that temporary forgiveness and pity for Inuyasha evaporate on the spot. She would not forgive him for doing this to Kagome. Not unless he begged.
With that resolve in mind she continued to comfort Kagome as best she could. After a quarter of an hour of Kagome's small sobs and moans of 'what if's, Sango phoned Rin and ordered for the boisterous girl to get over here. If anyone could cheer up Kagome it would be the spontaneous and slightly eccentric teenager that Kagome had befriended.
Rin arrived shortly after hearing Kagome's pitiful sobs over the phone and immediately encased Kagome in a hug. Sango released Kagome and watched as her best friend scrambled into her new-found friend's arms. She felt a spark of jealousy but quickly quelled it—for right now it was Kagome's turn to be comforted. Sango's own problems weren't as important…
Sango blew out a breath of air and stared at Rin, who returned her look in a slightly desperate ?. Sango's rancor towards Inuyasha grew with every sob that left Kagome's mouth. Finally, Sango inhaled and spoke.
"Tell us what happened, Kagome."
Kagome nodded meekly and disentangled herself from Rin. She stood up as straight as she allowed herself, which was still a rather large slouch, and sniffed at the floor.
That indelible hatred towards him seemed to only rise as Kagome relayed what had happened that day. "You have to promise not to tell anyone else," Kagome said, desperate in her attempts to protect Inuyasha, even now. "Please?"
"Don't worry, Kagome," Rin said gently, smiling at her friend. "Whatever we say in here won't leave the room, okay?" Sango nodded in agreement. "Go on."
Kagome continued on with the story, speaking about how Inuyasha had actually witnessed Naraku's suicide. Rin gasped a bit but Sango remained silent. Kagome explained his depression and how he'd been acting funny ever since, understandably. With tearful eyes she talked about Inuyasha running off into the woods and doing drugs, for reasons she still didn't fully understand. Finally, she spoke about what had happened at the end of her block class.
Silence reigned save for the few sniffles and sobs that Kagome produced. Rin and Sango both recollected over what Kagome had said, debating with themselves the motives that were running through Inuyasha's head. They knew, for a fact, that Inuyasha was a deep and confusing person. It was hard to understand his motives the majority of the time and he seemed to be increasingly mysterious. Therefore, for the two girls who didn't know Inuyasha to the extent that Kagome did, it was hard for them to figure out what really was going through Inuyasha's mind. All they could do was guess.
"Kagome…" Sango ventured after the said girl spoke of what was truly happening with Inuyasha and Naraku's suicide. "Could it be that you're crying over this so much… because you're sad that Inuyasha's sad?"
Kagome glanced curiously at Sango as she sniffled and Rin looked on curiously, unsure of what Sango was getting at.
"I mean," Sango spoke quickly before Kagome could protest. "Naraku did some pretty horrible things to you in the past, Kagome, and no matter how compassionate someone is towards another human being you can't possibly sit there and tell me you're happy he's gone."
Rin stared at the two friends, having no idea of Kagome's struggles prior to their friendship in high school, and didn't raise her voice to say anything, unsure how she would sound. Instead she gave Kagome the opportunity to respond.
Kagome was silent for a long while as she contemplated over what Sango had said to her. "Perhaps… maybe a little bit," Kagome whispered as she clutched the hem of her knee-length skirt. "I mean… he was pretty mean to me when we were younger… but he was a bully and he was lonely."
Sango's jaw dropped. She couldn't possibly be defending him?
But Kagome continued, "When I looked at him… back then and when Inuyasha came back… I could see that uncontrollable pain and loneliness in his eyes. I didn't realize how deep it was until I saw that same look in Inuyasha's eyes." She paused and swallowed, trying to keep the waver of her tears from her voice. "Naraku was just a lonely soul, and even though he did rather cruel things to me, I forgive him."
"You forgive him?" Sango asked, disbelief in her voice.
"Yes," Kagome spoke quietly as she nodded. "I forgive Naraku for all the pain I suffered by his hand… and I wish that he hadn't died."
"That strikes me as a little off, Kagome," Sango said stubbornly, her eyebrows knitting together. "You can't possibly feel remorse for someone like Naraku?"
"I do," Kagome said seriously and she stared at Sango solemnly, never once breaking her gaze from Sango's maroon eyes. Sango frowned and was silent for a long moment. "I truly do, Sango."
"Kagome…" Rin murmured, drawing attention back to her. "Are you sure that it's not because of Inuyasha's sadness?"
"I'm sure that's part of it, but I'd be sad even if it wasn't causing Inuyasha such pain," Kagome said seriously and a look of anger flashed in her eyes for just a moment. "Besides, I'm rather… frustrated with Inuyasha right now."
Sango and Rin exchanged looks. "Really?"
"Yes." Kagome nodded and frowned. "I just don't know what he's thinking, doing this."
Sango nodded her head. "He's certainly not using his head right now. He's being foolish, isolating himself and pushing you away. Right now he needs you, Kagome. You were a good influence on him."
If Sango's words were meant to comfort, it didn't work because Kagome felt tears collecting in her eyes again. She threw her arms around Sango and sobbed.
"He's being a fool," Rin agreed with her brown eyes staring down at Kagome as she cried in Sango's arms. "What could be going through his mind right now, I wonder?"
"I just want to help him," Kagome wept openly in Sango's arms. "All I want to do is help him and now that he's pushed me away I'm powerless to help! I'm just a worthless girl now…!"
"Never say that Kagome," Rin said fiercely. She rolled up her sleeves. "That boy is in so much trouble when I see him next."
"No, don't," Kagome spoke quickly as she whipped her head up to look at Rin. "Don't hurt him, don't even talk to him. It would make it worse if he knew what I'd told you guys. Please."
Her eyes begged her two best friends for their help. Rin and Sango looked at one another again and sighed.
"Only for you, Kagome."
A few hours later Rin and Sango crept from Kagome's room, where the girl was resting on her bed. They stood outside, glancing at one another before retreating to the living room where they sat on the couch. They'd been invited to stay for dinner by Kagome, and they'd agreed, both silently telling themselves it was best to stay near Kagome at this time.
Sango sighed as she sat on the couch and ran her fingers through her brown hair.
"You hate him too right now, don't you?" Rin questioned as she crossed her arms and stared at the ceiling, her brown eyes burning with hidden fury.
Sango nodded. "With a passion."
Rin frowned. "He's truly being an idiot right now, though, isn't he?"
"He's pulling that stupid 'if you're not close to me then I can't hurt you' shit… that never works in real life, especially with a girl like Kagome. She needs someone to be near her. And the truth of the matter is that Inuyasha needs her, too, as much as I hate to admit it."
"Kagome says they might get back together…"
"Bullshit," Sango said with a grimace. Her angry maroon eyes stared at the wall opposite her. "Inuyasha is just a coward. A full-blown coward. He's grown tired of her and is too much of a fucking wimp to break up with her, so he pulls the whole 'we may get back together' shit." Sango was fuming at the possibility—and reality—that Inuyasha was seriously hurting Kagome, if her two hours of tearful confessions and sobs had anything to say about her current situation. Sango clenched her fist. "Kagome's just blind. She's trying to see the good in Inuyasha and reassure herself that he's going to come back to her when the truth of the matter is that he's a complete and utter coward."
"And he was so nice to her, too," Rin sighed.
"But he's tired of her… probably because he didn't get what he wanted," Sango spoke as she glowered. She shook her head fiercely. "I hate him and I want him to stay the hell away from Kagome. The sooner she gets over him and moves on the better."
Rin nodded. "I guess I agree with you. I mean, look what he's done to Kagome. I mean, sure, she's definitely grown a little more confident under Inuyasha's influence, but in the unlikely possibility that they do get back together I fear that he may drag Kagome down, in the long run. Already she's cried far too much for him for me to forgive him."
She crossed her arms and her lips curved into a wistful smile. "Funny how our opinions of one guy can change because of one thing, huh?"
Sango snorted. "I never trusted him…"
"Are you sure you just didn't like the amount of attention that Inuyasha was paying Kagome?" Rin asked cautiously, eyeing Sango on her right. Sango stiffened. "I'm right, aren't I?"
"Well sure," Sango whispered. "She's my best friend and suddenly she's spending all her time on Inuyasha and all she talks about is Inuyasha. I guess I feel a little jealous… I feel like I've been replaced, ya know?"
"But you know, Sango," Rin said quietly, "Kagome really does love you and would never want you to be replaced. You know that Kagome would never allow it."
"I know." Sango blushed bashfully, she wasn't used to being complimented. "But I can't help but have insecurities, you know?"
"Of course," Rin agreed with a nod. "We're only human."
Unbeknownst to the two teenagers, Kagome had left her room in search of her two friends. After hearing their conversation, however, the girl slipped back into her room, tears running down her cheeks at the realization that they did not think Inuyasha was right for her.
'They don't understand…' She wept as she fell onto her bed, stuffing her head against her pillow as she sobbed. 'But how could they possibly understand…?'
It had been a little bit over two weeks since Inuyasha had left Kagome. Those fourteen days weighed heavily on Kagome's mind. The words that Sango and Rin both had told her played frequently in her mind and she tried her hardest to tell herself that they had her best interest in mind. But it still hurt to know that her two best friends didn't seem to be on her side in the least. It was painful, having that pitiful feeling in the pit of her stomach telling her that she was completely alone in this situation. She felt as if she had no one to rely on.
She moved through her classes with the silence she'd gotten accustomed to every day of her life before Inuyasha planted himself in her life.
Her eyes seemed to always be watery and it was growing increasingly hard to smile. She knew she was playing hard on her best friend's nerves, but she couldn't force herself to be happy. She knew that they hated to see her upset but that same imploring possibility that Inuyasha would change his mind kept causing her to ameliorate her chances, at least in her own mind. If Inuyasha changed his mind things would return to normal, right?
Inuyasha, on the other hand, seemed to be slipping deeper and deeper into the hole he'd dug himself into. It seemed that every time his hands grasped for something to keep him upright it would slip from his fingertips and he'd hurtle towards the darkness below.
He kept having nightmares each night, and his increasing fear that he'd have to stay on Doxepin longer than his doctor had told him caused him to remain silent about the haunting images that plagued his mind each night. Soon he ceased sleeping all together in favor of staying up late and thinking about what he'd lost.
Nothing was his salvation anymore. He was doing this to protect Kagome and he refused to look at her when he saw her in class. He wanted her to be happy but it seemed that she was getting worse and worse as the days went by.
'She couldn't really have expected us to stay together,' Inuyasha argued with himself. 'We're teenagers. High school couples never stay together… they always drift apart. They always… find something better. Anyone who marries their high school sweetheart either knocked them up or has no future whatsoever.'
Even though he attempted to quell his burning desire to be in Kagome's arms again, it didn't prevent him from sneaking glances at her every so often. Every time he did he felt as if he'd just killed something deep within his soul. Kagome was in pain. He was in pain. But it was for the best. The pain would pass… she'd find someone new. Someone better.
'In the meantime,' he told himself sourly, 'you should be focusing on your own problems… not Kagome's.'
"Hey," a voice sounded behind him. Inuyasha paused in his descent down to the bottom level of his school. Turning around he peered over his shoulder at Hiten. He frowned thoughtfully as he took in the boy's appearance. He was certainly hamming up the whole gang leader's position. He carried himself like he was God instead of the underling he was only a month prior.
"What?" Inuyasha questioned. He still remembered what Hiten had made him do a few weeks ago. Well, it was mostly his fault, but it was far easier to blame someone else instead of himself.
He was so far from the sun now. The sun had set, just like it did in each of his nightmares and shrouded him in eternal darkness. He sighed at the memory of his countless nightmares. In the end, it was all the same: he was left in the darkness.
"Haven't seen you for a while," Hiten said casually as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. Inuyasha frowned and glared at Hiten, his golden eyes burning with barely concealed anger.
"I plan to keep it that way, excuse me," Inuyasha muttered as he turned around and continued his descent down the stairs. Hiten followed after him, Inuyasha heard his footsteps on the stairwell. "What do you want, Hiten?"
"I just thought I'd ask why you haven't come back to visit us," Hiten said nonchalantly. Inuyasha felt his fury grow.
"Duh," he snapped angrily.
Hiten rolled his eyes. "It's a shame that you'd prefer to live in his desolate depression when you have an opportunity to make it go away."
"It didn't help at all," Inuyasha said firmly.
"Is that so?" Hiten breathed with a deep chuckle. Hiten's voice was slick and velvet-soft, but Inuyasha could hear the contempt and mocking tones underneath. Inuyasha snorted and began moving down the hall. "Perhaps you didn't give it much of a chance, hm? Or maybe your stupid little girlfriend messed it up for you?"
Inuyasha's fist clenched. The last time Hiten had addressed Kagome with such disrespect Hiten had ended up with an almost broken nose and enough cuts and bruises to last him a life time. Apparently Hiten hadn't learned a lesson, however. But Inuyasha was determined to keep his cool this time. He would not lash out at Hiten, no matter how much he wanted to.
"Shut up," the boy said instead. Hiten chuckled as if Inuyasha was meaning to be humorous.
"You're missing out," Hiten said with a casual shrug and a flip of his long braid over his shoulder. Inuyasha continued walking. "It certainly helped Naraku feel better…"
Inuyasha stopped in his tracks and glanced at Hiten over his shoulder, unsure whether Hiten was bluffing or truly stating a fact. He didn't know the seventeen-year-old Naraku, sans the one that tormented him in order to cover his intense loneliness.
"I'm not Naraku," Inuyasha said finally.
"Certainly not," Hiten agreed, a slow smirk splitting his lips apart. Inuyasha stood in the middle of the hallway, hands on his hips as he stared at Hiten. Hiten cocked one eyebrow towards his hairline, red eyes staring at him. "You're far smarter."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Inuyasha said, his eyebrows furrowing.
"Before you were sent away you and Naraku were the kings… but you were far superior, Inuyasha," Hiten cooed quietly, his eyes sparking with mischievous thoughts. "Naraku was insufficient at what he did and it eventually led to his downfall, no?"
"No," Inuyasha said firmly.
'I killed him,' he added silently.
"Look," Inuyasha said firmly with a wave of his hand. "I'm not interested in what you have to say to me or what you want me to do or whatever the fuck you're thinking. Just leave me the hell alone. I never want to see you again."
For a brief moment he thought of Naraku, and how Inuyasha had turned him away with such coldness, never once considering what Naraku may be feeling. It caused him to pause and glance back at Hiten. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
He sighed. "Okay," he said slowly, running his hand over his forehead and pushing his silver hair upwards towards his red and black beanie hat. "What do you really want, Hiten?"
Hiten shrugged. "Just give it another go, I'm sure you won't be sorry."
Inuyasha frowned but followed after him.
"Did you hear what happened?" Rin said the minute school ended and Miroku, Shippou, Sango and Kagome had gathered outside the school, waiting for the buses to arrive.
Kagome, Rin and Sango were planning on spending time after school, simply to give Kagome an opportunity to spend time with her friends. She'd convinced them she was over Inuyasha, though deep inside she felt like crying. It was far too obvious that they were all sick of hearing about her troubles and had thus limited her crying fits to home and her expression of her concerns with her mother and grandpa, who both tried their best to help her.
"What happened?" Miroku questioned, eyeing Rin's backside curiously until Sango smashed her foot down on top of his.
"Inuyasha was caught smoking pot in the back of the school," Rin said in a hushed whisper as some sophomores walked by, giving Miroku and Shippou approving glances. Shippou blushed and Miroku waved at them until Sango smashed her foot again. Kagome's eyes were wide with shock. "Hiten turned him in."
"What?" Kagome squeaked out.
Rin nodded. "I heard the principle talking about it with Judy."
Rin was the Student Body secretary and Judy was her Junior president. Thus, Rin was exposed to many of the ASB decisions and the student government's rulings before the rest of the school heard—it was usually sent home in a letter or via the Third Period News, also run by students. Rin took notes during all the ASB meetings and was always present with Judy during school fundraisers and whatnot.
"He's going to be expelled unless Inuyasha can convince them otherwise."
"How was he caught?" Shippou asked curiously, his green eyes staring at Rin, shocked.
"Apparently Hiten saw him going back into the woods and contacted Madame Harding, one of the French teachers, and she went off after him with Mr. Nolan and Mr. Kyo. They found him high and holding a joint in his hand. He was sent home early today."
That explained why he hadn't been in block and wasn't around after school.
"He's going to be expelled?" Kagome peeped, her blue eyes wide in shock.
Rin nodded, realizing this was still a tough subject for Kagome to handle. She glanced around again to make sure that no one was listening before continuing. "I heard the principle might be lenient on him, due to…" She looked around and suddenly said, "Kagome, did you know that Inuyasha went to a boarding school?"
Kagome blushed. "Yes," she admitted weakly.
Rin nodded. "That's why Mr. Smith is thinking of letting him off with a warning, since apparently Inuyasha is insisting that it was an accident… that and his grandma is a lawyer, apparently she worked him over, as well."
The buses had arrived and the friends departed to load onto their respected transportation and head home. Kagome was silent the whole bus ride towards Sango's home as Rin and said girl jabbered on about Inuyasha.
"But I thought that if you were caught with drugs or alcohol you were automatically expelled, no matter the situation," Sango said to Rin, wondering why Inuyasha had been denied the punishment.
Rin nodded. "It's supposed to be that way, but you know parents up here. They're a bunch of rich assholes who think their children are perfect. Naturally those who are caught and 'expelled' always come back a couple of months later. Inuyasha's grandma is the same way. She's rich and was a lawyer. Obviously she wouldn't allow Inuyasha to be expelled without getting her say in there. They'll probably just end up suspending him. If they expel him, Inuyasha's grandma will probably pay the school to let him back in."
"Why go to all the trouble?" Sango looked stumped.
"Well." Rin shrugged. "Our school does have excellent academics, far better than any other school in the area. I think Inuyasha's grandma wants him to go here so he'll have a better chance at getting into college."
"Especially since he went to boarding school," Sango muttered angrily.
Kagome listened without speaking, her blue eyes sad as she stared out the window. What was Inuyasha doing to himself? Did he truly think that the pot would make him better? Did he even listen to her back when she caught him? Had he just been pretending?
'He really has tired of me. He needs me but doesn't want me.' She bit back a sob. She felt so lost.
"What were you thinking?" Bubbie demanded angrily as she entered the house with Inuyasha t her heels. "Have you completely lost your mind?"
"What does it matter?" Inuyasha snorted as he toed off his shoes and stalked towards the staircase. Bubbie's hold on his upper arm, however, prevented him from his ascent upwards.
"We need to discuss this, young man, and I'll be damned before I let you walk away from this," Kaede said stubbornly, her eyes narrowed. "Now come."
Inuyasha obeyed reluctantly and he stalked towards the living room, where they sat down. His grandmother crossed her legs and stared at her grandson expectantly.
"Now then, what made you think that smoking marijuana was okay?"
Inuyasha snorted. "It was a mistake."
"I'll tell you what was a mistake," Kaede seethed angrily and pointed an accusing finger at her grandson. "Ever pulling you from that damn reformation school, it was a complete waste of my money!"
Inuyasha glared at Bubbie and fisted his hand. "I finished the program."
"And I'm sure you cheated your way through that, too," Kaede snapped angrily, her eyes burning furiously. Inuyasha glared right back, his lips drawing back in a livid scowl.
"I finished the program because I wanted to come back, bitch," he snapped before he could control himself. But he didn't dare stop. "So I smoked one damn joint. So what? What if I liked it? What if it makes me feel better, huh?"
"That's what you have Doxepin for," she snorted.
"I do not need that fucking drug," he screamed at Bubbie, his golden eyes narrowing to dangerous slits. "I am not fucking depressed! I just need something to make me feel calmer and happier!"
"You're a fucking moron," Kaede fumed.
"I am not!" He was beyond angry.
"One more outburst from you, young man, and I'll send you back to Spring Creek," Kaede burst out. Inuyasha froze, his mouth opened to throw out a retort. He did not want to return to that awful place.
Slowly he drew back and relaxed in his chair. His golden eyes stared at Kaede and he forced a smile to tilt his lips upward. He smiled cheerfully at Kaede.
"I apologize for my outburst," he said choppily, though his golden eyes burned with his hidden fury.
Kaede snorted. "That's what I thought. You should be grateful that I managed to only get you suspended for a week, hm?"
"Yes, ma'am," Inuyasha murmured, dropping his gaze and his smile.
"Now, you'll explain to me what was going through your head when you decided to do drugs, now won't you?" Kaede prodded, her eyes staring at him.
Inuyasha kept his head bowed. "I knew it was wrong, Bubbie, I'm not completely stupid. I've just been… I don't know… I just felt that maybe it would help me. And when I was high it did seem to help a little. After it was gone, though, I felt worse than ever."
"That's to be expected," Kaede said snidely. Inuyasha cleared his throat.
"I went back there and smoked a few joints. Next thing I knew, I was caught…" He didn't say Hiten had set him up, he knew that Kaede wouldn't believe him anyway. He had to face the consequences of his own stupidity.
He'd told himself before he wouldn't do it again, but he'd broken that promise. This time, however, he was determined to never touch another joint again. That was his promise to himself. He puffed out his chest and sat up a bit straighter.
"I hope I never catch you doing that again," Kaede said crossly. She glared down at him. "Now go upstairs and get out of my sight. I don't want to see you until tomorrow morning."
"Yes, ma'am," he repeated and retreated upstairs. He fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow.
"Did you sleep well?" a person whispered in his ear. Inuyasha's golden eyes opened and the world came into focus. He was floating in the air, lying on his back and staring at the clouds that rolled by.
He sat up slowly, taking in the breathtaking view of the sky. He glanced beside him to the person speaking to him and was shocked to see Naraku sitting there. His legs were drawn to his chest and his arms were wrapped around them.
Inuyasha blinked and swiped his brow with the back of his hand. "A little," he whispered, shielding his eyes from the sun on the other side of his dreamscape. "I feel like I've just woken up from a long dream."
"That's what it always tends to feel like, huh?" Naraku asked, laughter in his voice. Red-brown eyes twinkled in the dying sunlight as he inhaled the sweet air. He sat on a fluffy cloud. He titled his head to the side. "Do you feel refreshed?"
"No," Inuyasha sighed gently, golden eyes staring at his sneakered feet. "I've fucked up big time, Naraku."
"I know," Naraku said casually, shrugging one shoulder. "You know she's just trying to help."
"I know, but…" Inuyasha trailed off. "She can't replace you."
"And she shouldn't," Naraku said crossly, his eyebrows slanting downwards. His lips pursed and he shifted, kicking his feet out, swinging his legs off the side of the fluffy cloud he sat on. "She and I are completely different, aren't we?"
"She's softer than you were," Inuyasha muttered.
Naraku chuckled as if Inuyasha had just told a joke. "Perhaps. But that doesn't excuse the fact that you shouldn't be comparing us."
"But…"
"She's herself. I'm me. We're different, Inuyasha, and no one should have to replace me. Just as no one will ever replace her, correct?" Naraku asked casually.
"I don't want there to be an opportunity for her to be replaced. I love her," Inuyasha muttered.
"You're so damn emotional, you know that?" Naraku asked snidely and rolled his eyes heavenward. "I'd almost forgotten about that."
Inuyasha sighed, looking hopeless.
"The thing is, Inuyasha," Naraku said softly, looking rather serious on the matter. "You don't have to love her more than me and you don't have to love me more than her. We're different people and we'll hold different places in your heart, right?"
"Yeah…" Inuyasha muttered, unfurling his clenched hands and staring at the scar that was identical on Naraku's hand.
Softly Naraku's hand covered his. Golden eyes moved towards Naraku and the said boy frowned lightly.
"You don't need to forget me, Inuyasha. I don't want you to. But I don't want you to be sad, either, ya know?" Naraku furrowed his brow. "And stop smoking, God damn it."
Inuyasha drew his knees to his chest and rested his chin on one of them. Naraku looked away towards the setting horizon.
"Go back to her."
"Do you think she'll take me back? I've done so much to her. She may not think it's worth it," Inuyasha said sadly, indescribably sad eyes turning towards Naraku hopefully.
Naraku smirked. "It's Kagome, you moron. She loves you. She's the most accepting and loving person I've ever seen… damn it, she cried for me after what an ass I was to her."
"I guess so."
"I know so."
"Why did you have to die?" Inuyasha asked quietly.
"I knew you'd ask that eventually," Naraku said quietly, staring at the sky above his head. His lips curved into a pleasant smile. "Why do any of us die, Inuyasha?"
Inuyasha opted not to say anything.
"Because it's our time, ya know?" Naraku snickered at Inuyasha's confused look. "I know the way I went wasn't the greatest." His smile disappeared and was replaced with a serious look. "And I apologize for doing that to you. I shouldn't have done it. I regret doing it now… But eventually it would have happened. I wouldn't have been happy living…"
"But…"
"Don't protest," Naraku interrupted. "It's rude."
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"I have a question," Naraku said finally.
"Yeah?"
"What makes you so sad about me dying?"
"I…" Inuyasha trailed off and furrowed his brow. What was Naraku getting at? "You died… and it was my fault that you did."
Naraku snorted. Inuyasha stopped and looked at him, a heartbreaking look in his golden eyes.
"You didn't make me die, stupid." He rapped his knuckles over Inuyasha's head and tugged on a velvet-soft ear. "It was my decision to die, not yours. I know it sounded like I blamed you, but I didn't. You had all the right to be untrustworthy of me."
"No, that's not—"
"What did I tell you about interrupting? Done—good? Anyways, as I was saying… It was my decision to die, Inuyasha, not yours. I chose to die, even though I had the choice to put the gun down when you told me to. It is not your fault and if I ever hear you say that again I'll hurt you."
Inuyasha frowned.
"You're not in love with me, you know," Naraku said seriously.
"Are you kidding me?" Inuyasha demanded. "Naraku, I love you."
"You're in love with my memory," Naraku said sadly with a smile. Inuyasha looked awestruck. "You never got to know my seventeen-year-old self, Inuyasha. All you know is my thirteen-year-old self. A four years difference can make all the world of differences, Inuyasha."
Inuyasha was silent for a long moment. He saw the dreamscape fading away in the distance and knew that his hallucination-dream would soon be ending. He didn't want it to end. He wanted just a little more time with Naraku, even if it was just the Naraku in his mind, as his subconscious was very used to making him feel like crap. He hated dreams. Especially when he knew he was dreaming.
He sighed lightly and rested his head on his bent knees.
"What am I going to do without you?"
"You're going to live happily."
A week later Inuyasha walked back into his high school. No doubt the word had spread around because people were staring at him more than usual. They took in his floppy hat—that almost looked like a beret, his button down shirt worn under a sweater with the sleeves rolled up, his tight girl pants and his blue converse—newly purchased—with looks of contempt. They observed him and turned away, whispering and giggling behind their hands. They had branded him with the term 'stoner' now and he accepted it graciously. He'd been a fool to think that drugs could have made him happy. At this point it was only himself that could make him happy.
He was far from being perfectly okay, of course, but his dream of Naraku had helped. Even though it had been a dream and the Naraku in that dream was not his Naraku—he was far too nice, no matter how much Naraku had changed—it had given him some solace, if only a little.
He walked through school and caught a glimpse of Kagome's hair but could not find the courage to go after her. It had been nearly three and a half week since he'd broken it off with her. No doubt she was convinced the scum of the earth. He wanted to help her but knew that she'd be disgusted by the sight of him. He didn't want to see her until he was no longer depressed.
'That will take a while, though,' he told himself, 'I'm far from happy, but at least I'm not so pathetic anymore…'
Despite his discomfort and the sadness that still swam through him and notwithstanding his dream-Naraku's words, Inuyasha walked on as confidently as he could, but did not dare smile. He'd already pretended to be happy for Kaede and her anger, he would not fool Kagome—she wouldn't want that.
He entered his Spanish class and readjusted his hat before sitting down at his seat. Mr. Kyo glanced up at him from over his newspaper but didn't say anything—he too knew why Inuyasha had gone missing for a week. He sighed. The rest of the year was going to be long and difficult—it would be a long time before he could hear Naraku's name without feeling like the ground had fallen out from beneath him. It would be a long time until he could think about Naraku and smile.
But he'd get there.
He was sure of it.
It had taken a lot of courage to get himself to come here. Standing here now, on a murky day in April, nearly a month since he'd spoken to Kagome or any of her friends, with a light drizzle sent a sort of calm over him. Despite the morbid atmosphere of the graveyard, Inuyasha felt himself strangely at peace.
He stepped through the graveyard, his feet moving fluidly through the many paths between the graves, rearranged randomly. Tombstones of different shapes and sizes loomed in his path but he quickly sidestepped—he knew where he was going.
It took him only a few minutes to locate Naraku's grave. He hadn't been to the graveyard since the funeral, which was understandable. He sat down before Naraku's tomb, where it clearly displayed Naraku's name and date of birth and death. He sat quietly for a long time, just looking and a small frown on his lips.
"Sorry it took so long," he finally said. "I had to work up the guts to come here."
He didn't really find it odd in the least that he was talking to a grave. Sure, he'd spoken to Naraku in that dream, but that hadn't been Naraku. But he'd already established that. He brushed his silver bangs from his forehead and blew out a small breath of air. A light breeze picked up, gusting the small raindrops from the light April shower onto his face and shoulders.
"But I'm here now," he said slowly, staring at the slate of stone. It didn't speak to him, obviously, but he drew some comfort from it, oddly enough.
He crossed his legs under him, sitting Indian-style, and lowered his gaze. He paid his respects in a small prayer before raising his head once again. "I know that wherever you are, you're happy."
A painful feel began growing in his chest. Perhaps it was too soon. Just thinking about Naraku made him feel like crying—but he knew that it would be like that for a while.
"I'm determined to pass this depression," he vowed to the slab of stone. "I'll never forget you, but I want to move on…"
He looked sad. "I hope you don't think of this as betrayal, Naraku." The breeze made his hair dance and rain to continue to splatter against him. "But I don't want to be sad anymore—I don't want Kagome to be sad anymore."
He chewed on the inside of his cheeks, collecting his thoughts. "I'll never forget you," he promised, "but I want to remember you and be happy—not sad."
He silently congratulated himself on his maturity and acceptance of what happened. He let the rain wash away his tears as he tipped his head back. His heart thundered in his chest and he felt his throat constrict. It was painful, yes, sitting here before Naraku's grave, knowing that he'd never speak to him again. This thought caused a choked sob to escape his throat.
"The best thing I can do for you now, Naraku," Inuyasha said quietly, "Is live. I'll live and try my hardest to be happy."
He clenched his eyes shut as he felt another stray tear escape his left eye. He rubbed it and sniffled. He allowed the rain to beat against his face, hiding the fact that he was crying. Even if he was alone, he hated crying in public.
He swallowed again and sighed lightly. He reopened his eyes and set down a bouquet of white flowers before his gravestone. Digging inside of his jacket, he extracted a framed photo and placed it down, leaning against the stone.
Raindrops splattered across a picture of two eleven-year-old boys at a carnival as he grinned widely into the camera. A side-show clown had taken the picture for them. Inuyasha had silently treasured it for years, but now it was time to give it away.
"I'll miss you, Naraku," Inuyasha whispered, his voice leaving him as he bowed his head and cried again. He hated his tears but didn't try and stop them. "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I've done."
The wind softly caressed his cheek as he stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. He took a step back and bowed his head respectively towards the tomb. He turned his back away from the marker of Naraku's grave and moved on. He had others he needed to visit.
There were times when Inuyasha actually forgot that Naraku was dead. It came to such a shock that Naraku could actually be gone… that he'd never talk to or see him again. But there were periods of his day, when everything was numb and he couldn't think properly, that he actually forgot for a few blissful moments that Naraku wasn't coming back. It was still hard to grasp, even though it had been over a month.
The next grave took him longer than Naraku's, but when he found it he felt himself fall over and nearly smash his head against the marble gravestone. He wiped the mud off his jeans and sat down before the next grave.
"Zadie," he whispered in greeting and bowed his head, saying a prayer like he had for Naraku.
He raised his head. "It's been a long time, Zadie…"
He regretted Zadie's death so much. It plagued his mind for years and still today he could not fight the remorse that overpowered him whenever he thought about what had occurred between himself and his grandfather.
"Zadie…" he whispered again and clenched his eyes shut as he recalled his grandfather. No… His father. Zadie had been his father.
"I never got a chance to visit your grave," Inuyasha murmured as he touched the cool surface of the gravestone. It was true, Zadie had died and Inuyasha had refused to attend the funeral—he was too ridden with guilt. He couldn't bear to face the truth of the matter—that he'd killed the only parent that actually cared about him.
After that he'd been whisked away to the reformation school and transformed himself. It felt as if Zadie hadn't died when he was over there, either. Zadie had just been pushed to the back of his mind. He'd grasped the idea that Zadie was back at home, waiting for him.
He stared at the grave. In a way, Zadie had been waiting for him. And he'd finally come back.
A rueful smile spread over Inuyasha's lips and he wiped his eyes as rain splattered into the golden depths.
"I've changed now, ya know," Inuyasha murmured. "I actually have—well, did have a girlfriend. So you don't have to worry about your only grandson being gay." He laughed mirthlessly at that fact. He was a lonely single boy now, it seemed. "And I'm not doing anything too stupid. I've made some idiotic mistakes, Zadie, but I'm fixing them."
His eyes lowered. "I hope you can forgive me, Zadie, for all I've done in the past. I never really got to say goodbye to you or say that I love you. I regret that our parting was in anger… the last thing you ever heard me say was that I hated you. And I don't think I can ever forgive myself for saying that to you. Because I have never hated you, Zadie, never."
He bit his lip and placed his second bouquet of flowers against the marble stone. Raindrops ran down the sides of the marble surface, making it look like the stone had been crying. The wind breezed against him, ruffling his hair and making him shiver.
He left Zadie then in search of his third and final grave. It took him far longer than it did to find Zadie's grave, seeing as how he had no idea where to find the grave marker. It took him nearly a half of an hour before he located the giant cross gravestone. He stared at it a long moment.
He swallowed and gripped the last bundle of white flowers he had and placed it sheepishly before the grave. He wet his dry lips and wiped the rain from his face. His eyes focused on the name on the stone and he bowed his head. "Mr. Higurashi…"
He didn't know how long he stood there with his head bowed. He didn't know what he could possibly say to the man he'd unintentionally killed the fateful day that Zadie had died. It almost seemed surreal, that he'd worked up the courage to actually pursue the grave of the man he had no right to stand before.
What roused him from his own thoughts, however, was nothing short of a miracle. Well, in Inuyasha's mind. One moment his eyes were closed and the next, he heard the rustle of wet paper and plastic and something brush against his arm.
He wiped his head up and stared in shock at Kagome Higurashi, the daughter of the man he'd killed. She stared at him with her fathomless blue eyes, the deep cerulean depths seeming to look right through him and into his soul. She didn't say anything, simply grasped her own bundle of flowers wrapped in plastic and tissue paper. She was drenched to the bone, her shirt clutching her like a second skin, her waterlogged skirt not even flapping in the breeze. Her damp black hair had a slight curl to it from the rain and it was matted against her skull, making her look almost like a drowned rodent.
She didn't say anything as she set down her bouquet of flowers and stood there, staring at the grave that was the final resting place for her father. "We had him cremated," was her greeting.
"Oh…" he said slowly, staring at the cross that represented a dead man. He frowned and stood there awkwardly, unsure how to address his ex-girlfriend who he still loved dearly. He'd thought that the days passing by would quell the burning fire within his heart as it clenched when she passed. But no, he had not been spared the broken heart and the shattered soul.
"Why are you here?" Inuyasha questioned.
Kagome smiled lightly, her blue eyes softening and slowly turned to the grave. "Today is the day… four years ago… that my father was killed."
Inuyasha blinked slowly and turned to the grave, examining the date of death. Sure enough, the day's date was engraved into the stone. Kagome stood with her hands in front of her, pushing down on the fabric of her skirt. Her feet toyed with the mud below.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude," Inuyasha muttered.
Kagome sat down and patted the place beside her. Hesitantly Inuyasha sat down with there and they stared at her father's grave for a long moment.
"Dad would have really liked you," Kagome murmured and smiled lightly. Inuyasha fixed her with a disbelieving look and she blushed, pushing her glasses higher up her nose. "He really would, I'm serious."
Inuyasha smiled sardonically but didn't put up a fight about it.
"I messed up," Inuyasha said after a long pause.
"I know," Kagome returned quietly, her blue eyes staring at the gravestone.
"I've messed up so much that it's going to be a while before it can be normal between us, huh?" Inuyasha questioned abruptly. "I know I was a fucking retard to think that I could deal with this on my own. I know and I'm sorry. I just haven't been thinking straight."
Kagome nodded. "I understand."
"Will things be awkward?" Inuyasha whispered. "Will it be different?"
It was the question he feared most and it felt as if Kagome had just ripped out his heart when she nodded. Her nod was slow, hesitant.
After a moment, she spoke, "Things will be different, Inuyasha." She turned to look at him squarely in the eyes. Her eyes did not waver. "You've hurt me a lot."
"I know."
"But I know you're hurt too and right now you need someone," she murmured and waited for his approval. He nodded.
"So what do you want to do now?" Kagome whispered. "What are you going to do?"
Inuyasha sat stupidly on the ground, unsure how to respond to the question. What was he going to do now? He had accepted Naraku's death, yes, but it still hurt him deep inside. He would try his best to live happily, just as his dream-Naraku had told him to. He would live as happily as he could and not try and hold himself down with the deaths of those he cared about.
He had to move on.
"Friends," he said finally, extracting an inquiring look from Kagome. He was quick to clarify. "I still need some time, Kagome, but I don't want you to be far away. Let's be friends, if not just for a little while," he clarified.
Kagome thought this over. "You want me near you?"
"I thought it would be better if I was alone." He frowned. "I know I was wrong now. I'm sorry." He looked at her. "I need you, Kagome. I love you."
It seemed that that was what Kagome had been waiting for. Because the moment the words left his lips her arms were wrapped around him and her head was pressed against his shoulder. He released the tiniest of 'oof's as she collided with him but soon his arms were wrapped around her waist and was pulling her close.
They sat like that, letting the wind drizzle over them.
When he pulled away Kagome was smiling lightly and bashfully wiping away her tears. Inuyasha felt an odd sensation in his chest and he felt warm all over. Slowly, his lips curved into a smile. It was tentative at first but soon it was overtaking his lips.
Kagome saw him smiling and looked confused. "I told you not to try and be happy, Inuyasha. I told you not to smile until you were truly happy."
Inuyasha shook his head, unable to wipe the smile from his face. His heart felt as if it were about to burst. "I am happy. I want to smile."
The words sunk in and Kagome's smile matched his own, her blue eyes sparkling with emotion and unwept tears.
"I'll be your friend," Kagome vowed and smiled brightly at Inuyasha. Inuyasha felt light again, like all the weight of his sins had been lifted, if not for just a small bit as he sat here in a cemetery with Kagome. "I'll be your friend for as long as you need me."
His hand touched her chin and lifted her head. He saw tears pool in her eyes and spill down her cheeks. Slowly he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. Her soft, wonderful lips that he'd missed for so long. He felt his heart swell. As he pulled away he stared down at her.
"From now on we're friends," he promised and kissed her cheek, taking with him the salty taste of her tears. "I just need some time."
She nodded her understanding and stood up. "We should get you home, we don't want you to catch a cold."
He stood as well. It was a wonderful feeling, being here with Kagome. There she was, smiling at him; worrying over him and being near him. That was what he needed. He needed Kagome to guide him as he journeyed through his reawakening: his rebirth.
"You're not completely happy yet," Kagome murmured as they approached Naraku's grave and she noted the way his golden eyes saddened.
He shook his head. "No…" he whispered as he glanced at her. His lips curved into the tiniest of smiles. "But I'm getting there."
They moved through the graveyard towards the exit and as they passed Naraku's grave he saw a second bouquet of flowers.
He felt something deep within him stir and clench. He felt at peace for the first time since Naraku's death.
Somehow, deep inside his mind, he knew that everything was going to be okay.
Fanart:
(by me):
www(.)deviantart(.)com(/)deviation(/)20930132 (Yaoi warning)
www(.)deviantart(.)com(/)deviation(/)20930225
www(.)deviantart(.)com(/)deviation(/)21114392