Dear PADD,

Jaffen left to go for a walk. I think that he needs time alone, and frankly so do I. I need time to think, to absorb what happened to work it out in my mind.

Today was supposed to be a special day, move in day. I was moving in with Jaffen and something happened that I know would change my life forever.

I made one trip right after work and we brought in the bulk of my things into Jaffen's apartment. I had such a good time setting up home in his place. We worked for hours, talked the entire time, made love in the midst of my things, just being two ordinary people on an extraordinary happy day.

I went back to my apartment to get the rest of my things. I'm accustomed working the dark and I know all of my things by heart, so when I picked up a shirt that should have been in the closet and felt how wet it was I knew something was wrong. I smelled blood and that's when I ordered the lights on.

Mr Kotay was there, injured and he had a phaser. I should have been scared, the way that I was when I was attacked on Earth, but I wasn't. I told him that Jaffen knew where I was. And very quietly he told me that he hoped I wouldn't tell him that he was in my old apartment. I told him that I knew that he was wanted in connection with a disappearance of one person who was working in the power plant. He didn't deny it. The thing that intrigued me the most was that he was just talking to me, telling me the truth almost as if he was trying to earn my trust. The thing that baffled me was that he didn't need to. There was something in me that already did. I couldn't understand it and I didn't want to know what it meant. He told me that something was done to the woman at the plant and her memories altered and he was helping her. Out of no where, I asked him sarcastically if he was trying to help her get home. Finally he asked me to trust him. I told him that he wasn't making it easy because he was pointing a weapon at me. He actually lowered it and then I looked at him and I realized that he was in pain, bleeding profusely from a wound. I didn't ask how he got it, just as Eric never asked me who I was when he saw me in trouble on Earth, he just took care of me. I knew it was important that I do the same with Mr Kotay, to pass along the kindness that Eric had given to me. I didn't know why then, but later I came to understand.

I stole a dermal regenerator from work. I had promised myself that I wouldn't indulge in those old habits, but this was an unusual occurrence. Someone needed my help, someone who wouldn't get a fair hearing if he went through official channels and I knew what that felt like. I almost didn't get through, but luckily the efficiency monitor had other things on her mind.

While I was healing his wounds we started talking. He really needed to see a doctor, because from the look of it, his injury was serious. He told me that he would have to wait until his ship came for him. He had lived aboard for seven years. I couldn't believe it. In my wildest dreams I had thought about living on a ship for maybe one or two months, while I got away from Earth with Eric, but for seven years! That was a bit much. I asked him if he didn't want to find a home and settle down. He gave me a large smile. It warmed his face. I remained focused and concentrated on my job of using the dermal regenerator to heal his wounds. I didn't want him to know that I was instinctively reacting to his smile.

He asked me about my job and if I wanted to do something more challenging. I told him a little white lie because I had the sense that he was going to ask me to go off with him and I couldn't do that. Not when I was this close to embracing the happiness that I had here on Quarra with Jaffen. But helping him, I was getting the sense of……..something familiar, that I couldn't place. And I was almost overwhelmed by a fleeting thought of doing something more important…..of being something more, much more than I could imagine, with this man.

But when he called me Captain, suddenly I snapped. What was I doing? I was right, he was trying to take me away from my new home, from my new job and from…….Jaffen. Funny how I never thought about Jaffen during the entire time with Mr. Kotay until then…..until what he was telling me about my memories being manipulated and hinting that I had another life that I didn't know about, away from here, away from Jaffen. I had made a mistake. But he called me back telling me that 150 members of my crew were stuck here on Quarren against their will and that he had proof.

Proof, I had always wanted proof. Proof of Mark's love for me, proof of Eric's willingness to forsake everything for me, proof of Jaffen's love for me and now proof of what Mr Kotay was telling me. He stopped me from heading out that door with that statement. Could I really walk away without seeing the proof for myself?

How did he know that I couldn't? He must have, because he turned his back to me when he reset the dermal regenerator and showed me who he really was.

Eric.

And who he wasn't.

"We're of the same race." That was all I could say because I couldn't tell him that he had the exact mark that Eric had on the left side of his face. A mark that Eric had always said was a symbol of commitment that I had given to him, because he didn't know what it meant to stand up for someone, to risk his life to protect someone that he had never met, until he did it for me. And he had never realized how making that decision could change his life in such a profound way.

His next utterance, threw me into a tail spin.

"We're more than that, we're friends."

The way that Eric said he was my 'friend' the day one of his friends wanted me to 'cater' to his 'every need' as a woman of my class was supposed and Eric stopped him with that sentiment.

All of a sudden the threat and the danger were all too real. I told him that I wanted to talk with Jaffen and that we would figure out what we could do for him….anything to get out of there. And I did speak to Jaffen and we had our first disagreement. I could understand where Jaffen was coming from. If I really was the Captain of Mr. Kotay's ship and his crew was really on Quarra against their will, then he would want all of them back, especially his Captain. But the dismissive, disbelieving way that Jaffen mimicked Mr. Kotay's words made me remember the time when I gave up on my dream of going away with Eric. I needed to do the same now. Now I needed to hold on to what I had that was solid; a good home, a good man and a good job, and let the authorities know about Mr Kotay. And that's what we did before Jaffen went on his walk.

And so now PADD, I sit and I wait. I wait with a heavy heart, because I know that this is nowhere near over. I wait, because I know deep within me, my life is going to change dramatically once again. My heart is heavy because I know I am going to lose. No matter how this turns out PADD that is the one thing that will happen. I don't regret helping him PADD…..I had to because of what Eric and I were to each other and how we came to be that way. I had to………….I owed Eric that much.

"Commander." Chakotay found that his vision was slowly coming back and he realized that he was in Sickbay. At least that's where he thought he was, but he found that it was close to someplace else that he knew, someplace that wouldn't come to him right away. But he recognized the voice that was talking to him.

"I know that your mind is trying to access memories that aren't there. That should fade with time and the drug treatment that I've given you. Do you remember the last two days." The Doctor leaned over him and spoke softly. Chakotay focused on him, but in the back of the Doctor, he caught sight of someone who looked very unsure of herself and was hanging back.

Kathryn.

"I went undercover to Quarra with Neelix to find the crew. We got B'Elanna out but you were attacked before I could be beamed out. I hid in the Captain's apartment and she found me….." He focused his attention on Kathryn. She didn't say anything, but her pained expression told him that everything that he was about to say was the truth. "I earned her trust, but it was not enough, in the end I was captured. I was taken to a hospital where I found Commander Tuvok unconscious. My thoughts were manipulated and I lured you into a trap. That's the last thing I remember before blacking out."

The Doctor looked triumphant. "I told Mr. Kim that someone had let the Quarren know exactly where we were."

Chakotay finally found that he could sit up, but his head was pounding. The doctor had a hypospray ready. "Well your actual memories are in tact, so that means that they needed to do the implantation first before they began manipulation. I've given you something for your headache, and I removed the implanted memories. Your arm is still also on the mend. Had I been able to treat it right away, it would not take so long to heal, but right now it needs a day for the tissue to regenerate properly. You're still in no condition to command right now and you're off duty for at least the next day."

"How's the rest of the crew?" Chakotay asked the Doctor pointedly, but he was staring at Kathryn. She looked lost and scared. It was then the Doctor finally turned and saw her. He turned back to Chakotay.

"I sedated everyone except Mr. Paris and the Captain. For the rest of the crew besides the senior staff, they didn't know what was happening so I decided to kept them sedated to prevent them from getting violent. If B'Elanna is any indication, they would all be a little too upset being taken from their perfect lives on Quarra. Seven and Tuvok are going to need some thought because of their complex physiologies, and Mr. Paris..." He gestured to another bio bed where Tom was sitting up and B'Elanna was holding his hand talking to him. From the shocked expression on his face, Chakotay guessed that he was just finding out he was a happily married man. "I have improved on B'Elanna's treatment for the rest of the crew. I would like to begin with the field medics, and Mr. Paris. Once that is completed, I'll beam the rest of the crew from their quarters and treat them there."

The Doctor lowered his voice. "That only leaves the Captain. When she was transported along with the senior staff in the transporter room she wasn't sedated and she was adamant that she did not want to be. I wasn't sure how to proceed…." He hesitated. "She can be considered medically unfit, but I would rather not have to sedate her against her will especially if she knows what's going on. Her will is…….." The Doctor searched for the right word. "formidable." And he found it. "I don't want to take the risk that she does damage to herself that can impede my treatment unless absolutely necessary. She has refused to leave your side Commander while I was treating you." The Doctor hesitated again and he chose his next words carefully. "You and the Captain share a unique bond. And as Neelix does with B'Elanna, I believe that in the same way you can calm her down enough so that her treatment can continue without incident."

Chakotay nodded. "I'll call you the minute that she's ready." And got off the bio-bed

The Doctor stopped him by putting a hand on his shoulder. "I still need to at least get her started by using B'Elanna's treatment. Will you please talk to her?" Chakotay nodded. The Doctor went back to his office and Chakotay remained standing by the biobed looking at Kathryn and he smiled.

Eric's smile.

She didn't think that she would have seen it again, and in the back of her mind she wondered if it was worth what it had cost her. Jaffen did not go to Voyager with her. He was not one of the abducted.

It had been a whirlwind past four hours starting with Jaffen coming back to the apartment. He took one look at her and he knew that what they had was gone, forever altered by what she had done. He didn't know why, and neither did she, but both of them knew that things were changed between them. Maybe they thought they could have just talked it out and then she would have just put Mr Kotay out of her mind and that would be the end of it. But then Yerrin from Criminal Investigations showed up, and as more and more evidence began to present itself showing that Mr Kotay…..Commander Chakotay was right about who they were, she began taking more risks, making more choices to believe in what he had told her about herself and in doing so, she knew that she was moving further and further away from Jaffen. But Jaffen did not let her go willingly. He stayed with her and protected her, and in that way she knew that he loved her. But she had made no move to contact him when she had finally reached Voyager and the reason why she had refused to be sedated was to make sure the Mr Kotay……that Eric was OK. And he was, she could see that by the way he was smiling at her.

"Kathryn."

With the utterance of her name, she found that she could approach him. She was a little tongue tied when they were finally within comfortable speaking range.

"I told you that you needed a real doctor for that arm. It looks much better." She said by way of beginning.

"Do you believe me now?"

"How can I not, no matter how many times I try to convince Mr Kim, Mr….Doctor and Mr Neelix to call me Kathryn, 'Captain' and 'Ma'am' always slip out."

Chakotay chuckled lightly. "You command a lot of respect as Captain, Kathryn."

Kathryn continued staring at him intently. "But you call me Kathryn, especially when we are alone, why?"

"Because you are my best friend." The look of shock on her face startled even him.

"Kathryn?"

"I'm sorry. You just reminded me of…… I don't even know if that's an actual memory or an implanted one"

"We can help you with that, if you would let us." Kathryn took a step back, frightened. Chakotay let her and he didn't touch her even though his whole being cried out to.

"Let us begin to treat you. You won't be sedated and I promise that I will be with you through this as you find yourself."

Why did her heart leap when she heard him state that promise.

"Yes."

It was then she thought about contacting Jaffen, now that she knew that Mr. Kotay was alright. She should have thought about it sooner, Jaffen must be worried sick.

"I need to contact Jaffen and tell him that I'm alright." She said quietly.

He looked at her, she looked so sad at what was about to happen to her. He felt his heart pull and his resolve increase.

"You can do that from your quarters after the treatment." She nodded and it was only then that Chakotay came towards her. He touched her lightly and guided her to the bio bed that he had just vacated.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor materialized and said. "I'm going to sedate you for a few minutes, it will be easier than having you awake while your memories re-organize themselves." She nodded again. The Doctor went off to prepare the treatment. Kathryn was suddenly scared and she looked at Chakotay . "Will you be here when I wake up?"

Always was the first thought that flew from his mind, but he rightfully guessed it would be too much for Kathryn to handle right now.

"Yes" he said simply.

She smiled as the doctor came back and pressed the hypospray to her neck.

"She should be coming out of it anytime now. Be gentle with her commander and don't try to rush things. She is going to be very traumatized by what she is about to remember."

Chakotay nodded and the Doctor left them. He knew intuitively that they would need a moment alone when she woke up.

Kathryn's eyes opened slowly. "Kathryn?"

"Eric?" Her eyes were still closed and she had a content smile on her face. Chakotay was puzzled, who was Eric?

"No, it's Chakotay."

Her eyes flew open and he could see that she was more than a little startled and her hand went up to grasp something. Chakotay did not know if it was his hand that she was searching for, but that it is what he offered. When he saw her smile, he realized that is what she had expected to find.

"How do you feel?" He asked gently.

"I'm alright."

"What do you remember?"

"I remember what happened on Quarra, my life and….." Kathryn's brows furrowed. "There's more there, but I can't grasp it."

Chakotay nodded. The Doctor had told him to expect this. Her actual memories would come with triggers and time.

"That's to be expected. It will come back to you with in a little while." He helped her up.

"You wanted to contact Jaffen, let me take you to your quarters to do just that." Kathryn nodded.

Impulsively, he crooked his arm, without a thought, Kathryn took it. It was only when she had done so that she looked at him.

"How did I know to do that?"

"Because we have done it many times before."

"Your quarters are on….."He prompted

"Deck three." Kathryn answered and with each one of her answers, flashes of insights and memories were coming back to her.

Chakotay smiled as he led the way there.

He wondered what she was doing in her quarters. Once they had reached there, he showed her how to use the communication array and left while she was waiting for the authorities to locate Jaffen. Before he did so, he had encouraged her to look around her apartment to familiarize herself with her own life.

For his part, he had just entered his own quarters and sat on the couch cradling his arm. It had started to hurt a bit and he realized that it was because of the unnatural way his arm was positioned when he crooked it. He waited until the pain subsided a bit and while he was doing so, he debated on what he should do next. A thought struck him.

"Computer, establish a data link with the Alixa in the shuttle bay."

Link established.

"Transfer all personal logs of Commander Chakotay to my database, security code Delta zero one gamma."

Logs transferred.

"Begin new log entry."

The computer beeped its compliance.