Kathryn switched off the computer when she was done. She wasn't able to talk to Jaffen, but she was able to get a message to him. It would have to do until she saw him. She began looking around her quarters and trying once again to re-write the book of her life. It seemed always her fate to do that. She had tried to re-write her chapters with Mark over and over again until she realized that the story line just didn't flow right before he died. She had tried to add a new chapter by coming to Quarra and a whole slew of chapters that would change the direction of the book by being involved with Jaffen, but now she had found out that her entire life had been edited and re-written without her consent. Now she was faced with the daunting task of putting it back the way it was. At least she seemed to have help in doing that. Commander Chakotay said that he was in the next room if she needed him. His quarters were next to hers. She had stopped short twice now from calling him Eric.

She began with the living room. As she went though all of her knick knacks, she smiled as she realized that that part of herself was true, she was a collector. She took stock of the work that was on her desk and realized that she always brought work home. But the extent to which she was a workaholic was manifested by the fact that she could find reports and ship status updates everywhere, but her last personal log was made over five months ago. She, who kept a PADDiary logged in entries everyday? Who would have though it?

The one item that she found her living space that brought back the most of her memories was a picture of what must be the people who were closest to her on the ship. Commander Chakotay, Mr. Tuvok, Mr. Paris, the Bartender, Ms Hansen the efficiency monitor. B'Elanna the pregnant woman who started all of this, Mr Kim, the first person who confirmed what she was, the Doctor who had been so kind to her and turned out to be a computer program. And Mr. Neelix, the person who was Mr. Kotay's accomplice. As she looked at all their faces, she began to remember certain incidences that made her realize why they were in a photograph in her quarters.

She remembered a scared insectoid who almost killed her chief engineer, she remembered and angry young man who had uttered yes ma'am one too many times but had stood behind her every step of the way and how much it almost killed her to have to put him in the brig for a month. She remembered going back to the past to meet a bit of Starfleet history with her most trusted advisor and her oldest friend. She remembered sitting with the Doctor as he fought to stop the damaging feedback loop that he had been caught in two years ago.

She returned the picture to its original place and she stared out of the view port as numerous memories rushed at her.

Neelix supplying her with coffee, in all different manners and all different blends. She smiled at that. Instinctively she knew that he was responsible for enabling her to get them as far as they had. She remembered a scared drone; she had never known that a being who was so in control one day could become so scared and cower the next when disconnected from the hive mind. She remembered the green ensign, and all the mistakes that he had made as he learned, from her primarily. Now he was the man who fought and kept her ship together as Commander Chakotay saw about her crew.

Commander Chakotay

She picked up the picture again, as she ran her fingers down his face in the picture. She saw a button at the lower right hand corner of the picture and she pressed it.

Together we will make it remember that

But do not miss the journey for the destination

And know that as I have promised you, I am with you.

Always

Commander's Chakotay's Voice……Eric's voice. No wonder he came back for her.

A slew of memories that came to mind; some filled with joy, some bad, some good, some downright ugly. She remembered the pull and tug of their relationship in the beginning and she put the picture down quickly as something happened to her. She suddenly felt scared and was filled with an overwhelming urge to leave Voyager; to tell the Doctor to remove the memories and to go back to Jaffen, to her safe life. She calmed herself down by breathing slowly, sitting on the couch. She looked up and saw a room that she hadn't entered into yet; her bedroom.

Kathryn walked slowly towards it as her curiosity won out. She ordered the lights to come on as she took stock of the room and memories of the times she spent there, few that they were came over her. She laughed a little at the mess. She had been running late that morning and hadn't made her bed. Her eyes spied an unusual object in a frame. She went towards it and picked it up. It was……a chronometer? It was had a chain and it was hanging off a frame that had obviously been made for it. She realized that it was to facilitate easy access to the chronometer if she wanted to use it. But why would she? It looked ancient. She picked up the frame as she noticed that next to the indent for the Chronometer, parchment had been encased by the clear plastic of the frame. She read the words aloud.

When she was finished her heart was beating wildly in her chest. She knew who gave her the chronometer as soon as she read the first line. Who was Captain Janewaythat she received such loyalty and devotion from him? She replaced the chronometer in its rightful place and sat on her bed.

She pulled the drawer closest to it. She gasped as she pulled out a hollow projector and a book with the tattoo that graced the Commander's head on the left side. Deciding to tackle the book first she began to read.

"Personal Log."

"You're back Kathryn. You're in the next room and you're as confused as ever by what is happening to you and what it's costing you. Don't ask the question, as your memories come back you'll know the answer. You and I are best friends and more. We know each other better than we know ourselves because of the trust that we have built on this incredible journey. I know that who you are may cost you Jaffen."

Chakotay said these words quietly. Now more than ever in dealing with Kathryn he had to tread carefully. Chakotay didn't even fool himself into thinking that she was not going to hear his personal log. From the moment he had began addressing her in that log, he knew that he would give it to her to listen, so that he could make sure that the things that he thought should have been said, would be.

"I'm not going to force you to do anything that you don't want to, so I'm not going to say what I know in my soul what your decision will be. What I want to do is to finish telling you about yourself about what I felt about meeting you down on Quarra."

Chakotay stood and went to his viewport and looked at the stationary stars. They should be moving, and as soon as Kathryn came back to herself fully, he knew that they would be. He thought he could see the capital city where the crew had been working, where he had found her. He concentrated on that point in the viewport as the memories came flooding back to him.

"When you first came into the door, I was dismayed, I thought that you were through packing your things for the night, but I was wrong. When you finally turned around and faced me I was torn. I should have just shot you, stunned you. But I didn't know the weapon, and I wasn't going to take the chance to hurt you.

I lowered my weapon and I tried to earn your trust, the way that I had earned it before, by telling you the truth and trusting in who you are, not what someone else was trying to make you out to be. But he couldn't change you completely Kathryn at the core. The characteristics that make you who you are; Captain, best friend, friend….woman, remain. They tried, but they couldn't steal your soul."

Chakotay's voice had become quiet as he said that because in his own soul something was resonating. He figured it was the effect of everything that Kathryn ever meant to him, all the things that she brought out of him and for him. But yet something elusive was going through him at that moment. Something he couldn't name and couldn't place. Yet he knew it was important. He gave it a moment and when he couldn't identify what it was, he promised to get back to it and continued with his log.

"You wanted to know if I helped B'Elanna to get home. It would be you to ask that question even sarcastically. You also took command of the situation and waited, giving me a chance to explain myself before deciding what to do. Once it didn't involve the Borg and we weren't in immediate danger, that's the Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager. And you concerned yourself with me first, about my injury. I was weak and I had lost a lot of blood. I was in pain and your first thought was to take care of me. Maybe sometime before I would found it strange that you help someone who was a stranger to you and possibly dangerous, but again, I know that it flows out of who you are. When someone is in pain, alone or hurting you reach out. It's one of the reasons that we have touched so many species' existence here in the Delta Quadrant. It's also the reason why we have been taken advantage of on occasion. But you have never given that up, even when we were in the Void a couple of months ago."

He couldn't help but pause at this point in the log, because it spoke so much to who his best friend was and who she was becoming on this fateful trip. In the silence, he couldn't stop his heart from being grateful that she had helped him, not only on Quarra but for the past seven years. Not having her on their journey home was not something that he would ever contemplate unless forced to.

"The trust I placed in you in lowering my weapon was not misplaced. You came back with a dermal regenerator and started healing my wounds and as we always tend to do whenever we are alone, even if you don't know who I am, we began talking. I can't believe Kathryn that you of all people would ask me if I didn't want to find a nice planet and settle down. That had always been my line. For seven years Kathryn, you have been the most determined driving force behind how far we have come in the Delta Quadrant. With your adamant refusal to turn back, we have defeated the Kazon, Vidiians, Borg, Species 8472, Hirogen and Malon and have kept on going. I gave up on even asking you to settle down on the nearest inhabitable planet when we reach yet another barrier that seems to be insurmountable. You have convinced me that we will never settle……….it was odd to hear that particular sentiment coming from you."

Chakotay smiled as he remembered his reaction as she had uttered those words. He couldn't believe that she did. He still didn't. Somewhere in the back of his mind he couldn't believe that someone could manipulate Kathryn so much, that those words would come out of her mouth. But then that person must have known somehow, that it was the only way that she would stay on Quarra, that and something else. Chakotay's voice became somber as he continued.

Kathryn was stunned at what she had read. Who was this man at her side that he could have recorded this, and why? Suddenly Kathryn found that the clarity that she had had in the living room was failing her. She remembered that her treatment had not been completed yet and realized that must be the reason why she was beginning to have trouble with her memory. She would ask Chakotay about it later, right after she watched the holoprogram.

"You were happy there. Believe it or not, that was the hardest part of getting you back. You found someone to make you happy and if I give you back who you are, then I was going to be asking you to lose that happiness, perhaps for the next 30 years and take up the mantle of loneliness that command is, especially in your position, being alone in the Delta Quadrant. I have tried my best to ease your burden, but I know that I cannot do that in the manner that Jaffen does. Because of who we are and how many people on this ship count on us to get them home. Why would you want all that responsibility Kathryn? Because that's who you are and that's what you thrive on the best. And all of your experiences handling that type of responsibility is the reason why you were there in your empty apartment, helping me."

Chakotay face changed again as he paused. She had betrayed him, there was no going around that. It was the only way that he was found in her apartment. But he had also betrayed his ship during that encounter, and even though some would argue that he was to be absolved of it because his memories were being manipulated, he knew Kathryn was also being manipulated. Not by someone who wished her harm, but by someone who loved her and who didn't want to lose her and that he could understand, because in the most important ways, that was also his position. He tried to impart that as he continued his log.

"But I guess when you told Jaffen what you were doing he reacted negatively, because the next thing I knew, I was in custody. And then I found out how, why and by whom your memories had been altered. They made me do it. They made me utter the words that led Voyager into a trap that almost destroyed them. Why does this always seem my lot in life? You know for someone who prides himself in being of sound mind, it seems that my soundproof mind can be manipulated at the drop of a hat. That's the one thing about this journey that I have hated the most. But you know that don't you? As my best friend sometimes you know me better than I know myself. I remember once you told me it was because I allowed you to. I know I have allowed you to see me when I was the most unsure, like two years ago in Chaotic Space. And even though right now you're in the next room, I cannot go to you, to see your smile of absolution, because Voyager got through this and we're alright and very soon we will be on our way home again. You're not so sure who you are and right now, and I know I need to give you space to find out exactly that."

Chakotay turned away from the viewport and went to the couch to finish his log. As he was about to sit, something from the bedroom caught his eye and he decided to change his venue for recording. He went into the room and stood in front of the object. He focused on the drawing that he had up on the wall. He spoke to quietly as he finished his log.

"By the time you get this Captain, you would have retained enough of your memories for this log to mean a lot to you. You would know that the two people who make up the log are real and their relationship is made up of real experiences that brought them to the point of where they are today. I had to come back for you Kathryn. I made a promise to you six years ago that we would cross the finish line together in the alpha quadrant and I made a promise to you that I would be there for you…..

I write these words so that whenever you need to, you can read this and know that as I have promised you, I am with you.

Always

Eric, Chakotay was Eric.

Kathryn shook her head because that was not possible. There was no way that could have happened according to both her old memories and her new ones.

It was the same promise that he had made to her when she was still on Earth. Kathryn had looked at Chakotay telling her the exact same thing that he had written in the little book. She noted every expression and recognized the level of commitment that he had communicated to her. Now Kathryn was more confused than ever and she felt like there was a war going on inside of her. She grabbed the book and headed out of her quarters.

Always

Even though it is causing you pain now, doing that fulfills my promises to you. And those promises will still stand until you break them, because I will not.

End Log."

"Computer, duplicate the last five personal logs and record them on the PADD on the center table in my Quarters."

Acknowledged.

He took the PADD and looked at it. It was at that same instance that the chime sounded.