"The Vow"
My hand trembled as I held the blade to my wrist. I was pressing the point against my skin, but I hadn't punctured yet. Learning the truth about Mileena and what she was originally intended to do was the final straw. I couldn't go back after learning that. I was sitting on the floor at the foot of my bed, still thinking if this was what I wanted to do. I had been sitting there for hours debating with myself.
For as long as I can remember I resented my mother for committing suicide. I thought she was weak. A coward. I hated her for abandoning me. For being so selfish. But as I sat there, thinking of taking my own life, I finally understood why she did it. To have your life stolen from you. To watch as everything you've ever loved and believed in destroyed before your eyes. I finally understood the hopeless, unbearable grief that she felt.
My life had fallen apart so quickly and so suddenly. My whole life was a lie. My own identity was a lie. If I was not the daughter of Shao Kahn...if I was not "Kitana the Bloody," then who was I? Nothing. A hollow shell with no meaning or purpose in life. No reason to keep living.
Even then, even after learning the truth about Mileena, I still kind of wanted to go back. To forget it all and let everything go on the way it was. But I knew that was a false hope. There was no going back. Even if I could find a way...did I really want to? After finding out what they did....what they were going to do?
The blade entered my flesh and a thin stream of blood seeped from the wound. I looked up at the ceiling as tears streamed from my eyes. All I had to do was pull the knife to the left...then quickly do the same to my other wrist...and it'd all be over.
I wondered what would become of me after I died. I would probably be damned to the Netherealm where I would suffer for what I've done in my life. I always figured when Kahn conquered all of Reality, he'd make it so I would never die. It didn't really matter at that point anymore.
My hand was still trembling as blood continued to slowly drip from my wound. I shut my eyes and took a deep breathe. I just had to cut...then it'd all be over.
Just had to cut....
I couldn't do it. I threw the knife across the room and sank to the floor, curled in a ball. I wasn't sure what was more cowardly of me: that I considered killing myself...or that I couldn't do it. Any time I would make a mistake or not do something right, Kahn would always make me blame myself. Make it seem like it was all my fault, as if I could do nothing right.
I was so tired. I slowly fell asleep, knowing I would most likely just have another nightmare. I dreamt I was in a large tomb. All around me were candles and Edenian symbols. I was looking around and I heard a child crying. I turned around and I saw a small girl crying in a corner with her back to me.
"Are....are you okay?" I asked walking towards her.
She turned around and she was pale as a ghost. And she had a terrible, bloody slash across her face. I started to back away and she said to me "Why did you kill me? What did I do?"
"I.....I don't...." I started, not knowing what to say.
"My name was Kara." she continued, walking towards me. "You were sent to kill my father a long time ago. But you didn't just kill him. You killed my mother, my brother, and me. Why? What did we do?"
"I....I was....I...don't...." I whispered, slowly backing away from her. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to answer that question. As I backed away I bumped into someone behind me. It was a young woman. Like the girl she was pale like a ghost. Her stomach was torn open.
"My name was Althea." she said to me. "I was going to be married. My wedding was only a week away when you came to my village. I didn't know my fiancé's father was part of the Resistance. Why did you have to kill me, too?"
I stumbled backwards as the woman and the girl came closer to me. I tried to say something, but I couldn't find the words. What could I say to them? What could I possibly say to them that would explain why I did the things I did?
I tried to get away from them but there were more people behind me. I tried to run away but more and more people kept appearing. They all surrounded me...suffocating me. All them asking the same questions: "Why?"
I kept repeating "It wasn't my fault! I didn't know! I didn't know!" As if that made it better. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong...but does that change that killed those people in cold blood?
I woke up screaming. I wanted so much just a moment of peace. But I could find none. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't live....but I didn't want to die. I didn't know what to do with myself.
The following day I was sitting on the balcony outside my chamber just staring out at the view. From the balcony, I could see the blood red sea seemed to stretch for almost an eternity. I heard someone enter my chamber, but I didn't bother to look. I just kept staring out at the view. It was Jade and she sat beside me on the balcony, but I didn't say anything. I didn't even look at her.
"Kitana..?" she asked, concerned. "Kitana....are you okay..?" I still wouldn't say anything. "Kitana...please answer me. What's going on? You've been sitting in here for the past month. Your father wants to know what's wrong with you." I still didn't answer her. After a few moments she said "It was Ikarus, wasn't it? He did something to you. Kitana, listen to me...whatever he did to you...you have to fight it. I told you...he gets in your head and screws around with you. Don't let whatever he did get to you."
I could tell she was genuinely concerned about me. I took slight comfort in that. I looked at Jade and realized she was the only real thing in my life. My father...my sister...my life...all lies, but Jade was a true friend. I was so lost...I didn't know what to do. So I guess I figured maybe Jade could offer me some wisdom...or comfort.
"Do you find it hard to do what you do, Jade?" I asked quietly.
Jade stared at me for a few moments, a little perplexed by my question then answered "Sometimes."
"What do you do when that happens?"
"I guess....I try to remember what I'm fighting for. My duty."
I understood what she meant. I always fought for Kahn's approval. After mother died...he was the only person...the only family... I had left. I didn't want to be alone. I needed him to love me.
But...that was my problem. "What would you do if it was all a lie?" I then asked.
"What do you mean?"
"What if one day you found out what you were fighting for...your duty...was all a lie? What if one day you realized that you've been trying to be something you're not?"
"I....don't know. I guess...I'd try to find something else to fight for. Something where I was true to myself."
"But what if you didn't know what was true to yourself?"
"Well...I would build a new life for myself. Something...better, I suppose." She paused a moment and asked "Why are you asking me all this, Kitana? What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure why I fight anymore." I answered. "I'm.....not sure who I am anymore..."
She laughed a little and said "You're Kitana. The daughter of Shao Kahn. One of his best assassins and warriors."
I stared at Jade. I know she believed that would comfort me, but she had no way of knowing what I learned. For a moment I thought about telling her the truth about Kahn and my real parents. But...how would she react? I could never go back to serving Shao Kahn....but how could I know Jade would feel the same way? And if she did...then what? I couldn't force her to choose between me and Kahn.
I then remembered what Jade was like when I first met her. She was just a simple servant girl. Innocent. I was the one who insisted she be trained. I was the one who brought her into my lie of a life. I had a feeling no matter what I chose to do with myself...being against Kahn meant I would end up dead...or worse. I couldn't drag Jade into this. I ruined her once...I couldn't do it again.
"Thank you, Jade." I said quietly.
She smiled and rose saying "It'll be okay, Kitana. I know you'll make it through this."
"You've always been a good friend, Jade." I said as she left my chamber. "My best friend." She smiled and closed the door behind her, not realizing that was my good-bye.
I thought about what Jade said, about building a new life. My old life was gone and I was too scared to die....so creating a new for myself seemed like the obvious choice. That night, while everyone slept...I sneaked out of the fortress...with no intention of ever returning. I left no note. I didn't take anything with me. I was going to run away and build a brand new life for myself.
I spent the night traveling. I didn't stop or rest...I just kept moving farther and farther away from the fortress. I figured, I could change my hair....give myself a new name...I always wore a mask on my missions, so no one would know...I could pull it off. I would build a new life...far away from Shao Kahn. I'd start a new and normal life. Maybe, I thought...maybe I could even find a way to travel to a different realm. Start from scratch.
But as I traveled, I was plagued by a nagging thought. I wasn't just running from Shao Kahn...but my past. I hoped that maybe once a created a new identify for myself, I could just let go of my past and maybe then I could finally sleep without nightmares again.
I don't know if it was coincidence or something else...but on my journey I found myself in a familiar place: what was left of Zansatsu. When I realized where I was, I wanted to turn around and take a different road, but I decided I would keep going, through the village. I think I believed that this would be a first step towards letting go of my past. Either that...or maybe I'm just masochistic.
I slowly made my way halfway through the village. After the massacre the village was abandoned. There were still some homes still standing but they were all dilapidated and ruined. I was so tense every step of the way. I don't know what I thought was going to happen...but I was so jumpy. I guess with everything that had happened for the past month....bad news on top of bad news on top of bad news...I was expecting to find something horrible in the village ruins.
I started to rain a little as I reached the end of the village. Nothing happened. I almost breathed a sigh of relief when I happened to notice an inscription written above the doorway of one of the homes. The writing looked familiar. I took a closer look and realized the writing was Edenian. Since Ikarus had given me all those memories, I could read Edenian. I then had a very grim thought. I went inside the home and found some old books still laying around. All them written in Edenian. I ran to another house and found more books written in Edenian.
"Oh god..." I whispered to myself.
I don't know why I was surprised to discover yet another horrible revelation, but I was. Zansatsu was an Edenian village. I had slaughtered my own people. I ran out of the house and collapsed on the ground outside and then I threw up. I remember thinking what else could possibly happen?
I think what happened next would be considered rock bottom. I was so tired...so desperate....I traveled to southern lands where Jerrod's grave was. I reached the cemetery by night and by then, the rain was pouring.
I stood in front of my father's grave and screamed "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WHAT??!!" It was all too much at once. Just one terrible revelation after another. The constant nightmares. My whole life crumbled to pieces before my very eyes. I knew screaming at a grave would accomplish nothing...but I had to get it out. "GOD DAMN YOU!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!" I knew I could never get an answer and that made it worse.
I sank to my knees at my father's grave as tears began to stream down my face. "I hate you." I whispered. My life had fallen apart so fast, I wanted someone to blame. "It....it wasn't my fault....I didn't know..." I wanted it to be someone else's fault. But I knew that wasn't true either. I couldn't run away from the past. I couldn't escape my guilt. "...it wasn't my fault....I...I..." I then sank to the ground in front of the tombstone and hugged my knees. After a few moments I finally whispered "I'm sorry." I continued to cry at my father's grave and repeated again "I'm sorry."
I wanted so much for an answer. I wished that....somehow...some way...my father, my mother...everyone could forgive me. But I knew that was a false hope. How could they forgive me? How could anyone forgive me?
I lay by my father's grave until dawn. I then found myself wandering to where Ikarus and his rebels were camped. The bodies were all buried. I guess more rebels found out what happened and gave everyone a proper burial.
I entered Ikarus' cave and found most his possessions were still there. Among them was the old book Ikarus said would prove everything he told me was true. I picked it up and started to read it. It was my father's journal. He had started writing it the day he became King of Edenia. He described how he had met my mother years before. He loved her so much.
I read the entry describing the day I was born. He wrote it was one of greatest days of his life. He and my mother both wanted a child so badly. They were both overjoyed when they had me. The both wanted nothing more than to give me the best life. For me to be happy.
Reading the journal, my father seemed like such a great man. And my mother such a caring and loving person. I wished I could have known them. I then started to think what my life would've been like if Shao Kahn never invaded. What would I be like if Kahn never took me as his own? I like to think I would have been a warm, caring person. A kind and loving princess that would have been loved by her people. An idyllic life...no fighting...no war....no death....
I could almost see it. It seemed so beautiful. But I could never have that life. It was stolen from me by Shao Kahn. The I realized....it was stolen. I could have had a perfect life with parents who genuinely loved me as their daughter...but instead Shao Kahn turned me into a hated murderer. He used me as a weapon and twisted my emotions into being his killer. Shao Kahn ruined my life. Shao Kahn made me what I am.
As I made this realization...my new purpose became clear.
As the sun rose, I returned to my father's grave and stood in front of it for a long time. I was honestly very scared about what I was planning. But I knew what I had to do. I knew what my new life should be.
"I'll make it right." I said. "I swear to you, Shao Kahn will pay for what he has done. I will make up for what I've done. I will never stop....never give up...until I make it right." I then took out a small knife I had found in Ikarus' cave and cut my hand. I clenched my fist and my blood dripped into the ground. "I swear...on my own blood.....I will make it right." I turned to leave then stopped and looked back and quietly said "I just hope...someday you can forgive me."
I left my father's grave, ready to start my new life.
End of Chapter IX