He went to the door and admitted a very agitated Captain.
"Kathryn what's wrong?" He led her to the couch and she buried her head in her hands. Again he resisted the urge to touch her. He focused instead on using his voice to get her attention. "Kathryn, do you need to go to Sickbay?" He asked gently. Suddenly her hands flew from her face.
"No I'm alright……." Her voice died as she looked past him into his bedroom. She seemed fixated on something. She stared and he followed her eyes back to……….himself.
Kathryn got up as if mesmerized. She went straight to his portrait, the one that she had done for him that had always spoken so much of who he was. It was half buried in the shadow cast by the lights in the living area.
"Computer lights." He called as he followed her to where it hung.
Kathryn took it all in. She had worked so hard on this particular gift to give to him after they had become friends, after he had done so much for her. And when she had given it to him he had proudly put it in his bedroom even though it bore her name that told everyone one of her class. That was the first time she realized that she had fallen in love with him.
She ran her fingers over his tattoo on the drawing and they stopped over her signature at the bottom right.
"Eric, your name is Eric." She said softly.
Chakotay's brows furrowed.
"My name is Chakotay." With his utterance, Kathryn seemed to realize where she was and she wheeled around and almost ran out of his bedroom. Chakotay followed her. She walked over to the couch and spying the book on the table, she sat down in front of it.
"The promise made at the end of this, Eric made to me just before I left Earth." She waved the book in front of him looking thoroughly confused. Chakotay remembered how he was when his memories were being manipulated. He couldn't imagine what Kathryn was going through right now. He decided to change tactics.
"Tell me about Eric." He said quietly.
The smile that came to her face was there almost instantaneously after he asked his question. But he saw that she could not meet his eyes. She focused instead on his ancestral mark that was on the book on his coffee table.
"Eric was my best friend on Earth." It was only after she had said that opening statement that the smile dimmed a little. "He was a class 1 human, I was a class 4. It meant that I was of the serving class on Earth and he of the ruling class. I used to work in the diamond mines. It was dirty work, it was dark and treacherous as landslides and earthquakes claimed most of the workers before they reached 50. One day while I was coming home from work, I got lost taking a new shortcut. Somewhere in an alley a gang member cornered me………..we used to have a lot of gangs on Earth because of the high poverty level. He wanted my paycheck. Eric was being driven home from a club that he had attended and ordered the driver to stop the car and came out to help. The driver was afraid and left him there. He defended me against that bandit, it hadn't been for him, I would have been killed. Unfortunately, in order to make his getaway, the bandit pushed Eric hard and he fell against a steam grating."
Her voice had come down to a whisper as she told the tale and Chakotay could see by her eyes that she was lost in her memories. All of a sudden she looked up and focused on him, she raised her hand and touched his tattoo hesitantly. When he made no move to stop her, she continued to trace it as a tear ran down her face. "This was the pattern of the grating. He fell and hit the left side of his head on it. He could have had it removed, but he always claimed that it was a battle scar from meeting me and he would always keep it, always. It was part of who he was now; as I am." Kathryn jerked her hand from Chakotay's forehead and turned away. This time he didn't stop himself from at least touching her gently on her arm. Kathryn didn't acknowledge the touch in anyway as she continued with her story, but again she focused on the book in front of her.
"He was the one who helped me book passage on the caretaker's array to come to Quarra to build a better life, even if it was away from him."
"I loved him." She said simply and Chakotay saw on her face the depth of it.
"Why didn't you stay and build a new life with him?" He asked softly, afraid of what she was saying and of what it might be suggesting. When his memories were manipulated, he was awake and prepared and he felt his mind being split in two. He chose to live in the recessive part. And he had watched himself believe that he was contacting Harry and the Doctor because he needed to get a message through to them. It took everything in him to hold on to the recessive part of his mind to understand that it wasn't real, that the thoughts, actions and words were implanted in his brain. He understood more than anyone why she believed what she was saying and how much of a part of her those memories actually were.
"He was of another class" Kathryn buried her head in her hands again. How could he not know? He was of the same race as she. "A lot higher than I. To be involved with me would mean that he would have had to give up everything and live in squalor with me. He wanted to, but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't take the chance that he would eventually come to hate me. So I left. I loved him too much to stay."
Chakotay was caught up in the love that she was manifesting, but not so much so to miss how agitated she had become and to see the look of resolve in her face.
"This isn't right. Those are my memories. Everything about you, Eric, how you fit into the book of my life replacing him, replacing Jaffen. It's wrong! It was all so clear in my quarters and now it's gone. What are you doing to me? Let me go back, I promise I won't tell anyone of what happened here." Kathryn stood up slowly with tears running down her cheeks looking scared out of her mind.
She was on the verge of hysteria, something that he had never, ever seen in her. Not even in his time on Quarra and he knew from Tom and Seven that she didn't even act like this when he was hospitalized. She had helped them because he had proven to her what he said about her real life was correct. Something was very wrong.
"Doctor to Commander Chakotay."
He touched his combadge quickly. "Doctor what is it?"
"Something's wrong with the treatments………………"
"Doctor, I'm with Kathryn right now." He would have used her rank, but he didn't want to scare her any more than she was.
"I'll contact you momentarily." He closed the channel before the Doctor could continue.
"No," Kathryn said firmly, "I want to hear what he has to say." Chakotay hesitated, but she had the right to listen and to refuse treatment if she wanted to.
"Chakotay to Sickbay."
"This is the Doctor."
"Kathryn would like to hear what you have to say."
The Doctor hesitated because he knew that this particular greeting meant that the Captain was within earshot.
"I had attempted to shorten the time to treat the crew by modifying the treatments, but I'm finding out that it isn't working. It's too disorienting and people have decided to cling to their made belief life. I believe I can correct for that, but I need to sedate all who were received the first treatment and administer the modified one."
"Understood, Chakotay out."
"You're lying," Kathryn was backing away from him as her realized that she had almost reached crazed status. He knew it was because there was a war being fought in her and that the war was brutal because Kathryn had always held a firm reign on her mind and was not able to handle the fact that is was slipping away from her, that she could trust it no longer.
He made no move towards her.
"Kathryn," He said it quietly and firmly and with that voice he was able to stop her. He saw that she recognized the voice and from the confusion floating about her, he knew that it once belonged to Eric. It was then that he began walking towards her.
"You're right. I am Eric. Your memories, your experiences with the Caretaker, meeting me, and the feelings that we have as Captain and First Officer, as friends, as best friends have been manipulated for one reason only, so that you would stay on this planet and help with their labor shortage. They couldn't erase the feelings that you have for me as your First Officer, for this crew and for your mission completely so they reprogrammed it so that it would cause you to be very happy on Quarra.
He stopped just outside of her personal space. "Kathryn, answer this from your soul, not from anywhere else and don't be afraid to tell me the answer even if it's what I don't want to hear. Do you trust me?"
She didn't think, the response leaped from her.
"Yes."
And with that answer, Chakotay knew that the foundation that they built together withstood the most complex medical science that he had ever experienced. He was in her soul and no one could uproot him from that place.
Kathryn realized with her answer that the trust that she had in Eric, she also had in Chakotay and even though everything in her rational mind told her that Chakotay was not Eric, her heart whispered it and her soul believed it.
"I trusted you, from the very first moment I saw you hurt in my apartment in the dark, even though you were pointing a weapon at me, why?"
Chakotay smiled again as he realized that Kathryn was calming herself down.
"Because you and I have been through too much for someone to erase it from your memory that easily and that quickly. Because of the experiences that led to us exchanging things like that book," Chakotay looked swiftly down at the journal that was there on the table between them. "And the painting has caused us to build our friendship on a solid foundation of trust. I'm asking you to hold fast to that right now until your treatments are finished."
A small shiver ran through Kathryn as he mentioned the treatments. He put his hand on her arm to steady her. "This isn't about us though, it's about Jaffen and you and the life that you've built Quarra, the life that I'm asking you to leave behind by remembering. You will lose a lot, and you know it, deep down in your soul the place where you trust me the most. That is what your reacting to, your fear. No matter what, one thing I know is that Kathryn Janeway does not let fear dictate the course of her decisions, no matter what has been done to her."
How did this man know her so well? It could only be because what he was saying was true. She willed her fear at bay as she faced him now. She held up her left hand. Chakotay took it without thinking and their fingers entwined. Kathryn felt overwhelming sadness as she realized what that meant. She still had to try one last thing, before giving up everything that she had built on Quarra.
"When my treatments are over and if I chose to stay here on Quarra, will you let me?" A very slight smile crossed his face, but he was still serious as he answered, "Yes."
Kathryn saw the expression and instinctively she knew what it meant. He knew that once her memories were regained, she would leave with him. And she knew that if all the things he said about her were true, if all the things that she had seen in her quarters were an indication of what kind of relationship that she had with her crew, and what she was feeling said anything about who she was, even now; she would go. She had responsibilities and she would fulfill them to the best of her abilities because she had been given the opportunity to do so, something that she didn't have on Earth.
She began to weep and stepped closer to the Commander. He embraced her as she cried silently and he felt her sorrow, because he saw first hand what she was giving up and how happy she was with Jaffen. He knew that now she would embrace a life that may never bring her that kind of happiness again. He would never regret asking her to do it; it was the journey she was destined to take and the role that she was meant to play in a 145 lives. He just hoped that she wouldn't hold it against him later, when she was facing overwhelming challenges both personally and professionally.
He held her until she pulled herself together and broke away from him. She smiled at him through her red eyes and he was happy to see the look of resolve once again grace her face, the one that he knew so well.
"Then let's do it."
"Doctor to Commander Chakotay,"
"Go ahead."
"I'm ready for the Captain now."
"We're on our way."
Kathryn wiped her tears and squared her shoulders as she waited for him. He gestured to her, "After you…..Captain."
"Thank you." And he followed a half a step behind her as they made their way to Sickbay. Kathryn was very aware of how close he was and realizing all that had happened in his quarters she had one thought running through her mind as she superimposed Eric's features onto Chakotay's for the last time……..
How I loved this man.
And I still do.
Kathryn sat in her quarters with that thought, fiddling with the Holoprojector. The treatment was a complete success and she remembered everything. Everything that she had experienced in her life before Voyager, after, and on Quarra. All of it was real and all had affected her
So now I'm in love with two men, none of whom I can have.
When she was in Chakotay's quarters, she had known instinctively that it would come to this. She would lose, and Chakotay had known that too, that's why he was so gentle with her in his quarters. She was off duty until Voyager was ready to leave in about another four hours. It would take that long for her memories to stabilize. But then that was according to the Doctor's projections and he always padded just to make himself feel safe. She was fine physically, but emotionally she was a little disoriented and she would be for the next couple of days.
She took a deep breath and opened a channel. The sooner she did this and got it over with, the better off everyone would be.
When he came in, Kathryn almost lost her voice. The flood of memories, happy ones of her life with him washed over her. It attacked her resolve and weakened it, but not enough to change her mind.
"I can see why you'd rather live here." He was nervous. She would be too if she had to relate to the man she fell in love with after he found out that he had been manipulated into believing he was something other than who he really was.
"I'd offer you a position. I could always use another skilled engineer but as Captain...It wouldn't really be appropriate for me to..."
"Fraternize with a member of your crew." An irrational bout of anger came over her as he instinctively grasped the protocol that she had lived her life by on Voyager. It didn't show her poker face. If only it could have been different. But then maybe it would have been much worse. She might have had to do this as someone else's wife. She thought of Tom and B'Elanna.
Maybe not.
"Well, at least my memories weren't tampered with. According to the medical reports I really did come to Quarra looking for a better life and now that I've been promoted, I guess I've succeeded."
"Promotion?"
"They had to replace our shift supervisor……something about acquiring workers illegally?"
"Congratulations. You deserve it." She meant it. He had taught her so much when she was new to her job
"I thought you might like these back...To remind you of our time together." He handed her spent plasma relays. Kathryn's heart jumped as the memories came back to her. Her eyes were full as she turned to him and hugged him fiercely in goodbye.
"I won't need souvenirs to remember you."
She made it to the bridge in one piece, still a little shell shocked by what she had just done. The feelings were a little overwhelming and raw. She still loved Jaffen, but she knew that love would fade in time, even though it would hurt at first….a lot. But now she found herself consumed by a love she had for the man waiting for her on the bridge, and one that she knew wouldn't fade by itself. She was going to see him every day for the next 35 years. Unless she put a stop to it, her feelings were going to continue to grow. She didn't want to think about that right now. One thing that was easy and comfortable was the fact that they were best of friends. That was what she was going cling to until the pain of what she had given up on Quarra lessened a bit. Then she will tackle her feelings for him head on.
"Captain on the bridge!"
They were all there, standing at attention, ready to get on their way home. Ready for her to guide them as she had always done in the last seven years, ready for her to give them the best that she had to offer on their journey. She had gotten them almost half-way home, they knew she wouldn't rest until they reached their destination with the man who would always be by her side
"Ready to go?" She looked at him briefly as he said these words. His face might of seemed neutral to most, but she knew it was with the greatest care that those words were said, and the meaning they held for only her.
I am with you for the rest of the journey, trust in that.
"It may not have been real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me I never would've known that I had another life."
"Are you sorry I showed up?" He had to know, now that everything was back to what it should be.
"Not for a second."
As he knew she wouldn't be. He knew that whenever he called her back to what she was meant to be, her whole being would resound with it so that no matter what she had to give up, she would always chose to be the Captain of Voyager on their fateful journey through this quadrant.
"Resume course, Mr. Paris."
"Aye, sir."
They flew in silence for a while, Kathryn staring at the stars as they passed by lost in thought. Chakotay was pretending to get work done, but he was carefully monitoring her. After about half an hour, he said softly.
"Are you alright Kathryn?"
"It'll take time Chakotay."
"You know anytime you need to talk, 'Eric' will always be there, with a few modifications of course." He didn't want to push her right now. He wanted to let her set the pace of how she wanted to integrate him back into her life, as her best friend and what the new parameters would be. It was all up to her. He had told her that two years into their journey that he would make her burden lighter in whatever way she needed him to and he was going to fulfill that promise even if it might mean they be apart for a while. He knew that no matter what happens now, they would eventually find their way back to each other.
"How about tonight?"
"18:00 hours?"
"That's a bit early don't you think?"
"You need the rest."
"OK" She said quietly as she got up. "I'll be in my ready room if you need me, I believe there is a pile of reports on my desk with my name on it."
He handed her another PADD that was beside his command center.
"What's this?"
"It's my personal logs over the past few weeks when you were gone. They are supplemental logs to the official ones. I believe that you should listen to them in order to give you a true sense of what happened while you were on Quarra."
Kathryn's brow furrowed as she looked at him as her heart jumped. Some crazy part of her wished that a declaration of love was on that PADD, but she shook her head free of those thoughts, because though she may contain a few extra memories, she knew Chakotay and she knew that he had resolved his romantic feelings for her a long time ago just as she had…….or so he thought. He had his poker face on throughout their conversation and so did she.
"Thanks, I'll read it after I read the official logs."
He nodded and went back to work.
Kathryn stood at the window of her ready room after her third hearing of his personal log. She had left it for last as she wanted to savor what he was saying to her. To revel in the connection that they had because she knew that it would never deepen and blossom into anything else. He had missed her, and in her absence he continued as if he were speaking to her, anticipating her reactions and her words. He had been spot on. From her assigning a person in charge until he came back from her rescue mission to telling him to hurry up and get her back to where she belonged on the bridge of Voyager, he had correctly anticipated her responses. The man at her side had been there for so long that he knew her better than anyone else did in her life.
Her best friend and nothing more.
"Computer what is the time?"
"17:00 hours."
Kathryn got going, she had a dinner to prepare……or to ruin. She gave her first laugh since she found out who she truly was when she realized that her guest wouldn't care, because he was not there for the food.
"Was it hard saying goodbye?" Trust him to ask the difficult questions.
"Yes." was her simple answer.
She took another sip of ale. He looked at her from his normal after dinner seat on her single recliner. She was at the couch as usual with her legs tucked up under her. She was quiet at dinner as they talked about the crew and ship's systems. The usual laughter and lightheartedness was absent during this meal. Kathryn stuck to the basics of what she was saying. She added nothing else to it. He didn't miss the fact that the holoprojector was out on the dinning table. When he placed it back in her quarters while she was in sickbay, he had left it on the desk. She had listened to it again. He was a little worried as to what might mean.
"Kathryn." He shook his head and gestured to the holoprojector. "Do you still regret the decision that you made a seven years ago, when you helped the Ocampa and stranded us in the Delta Quadrant?"
Kathryn's head snapped back.
"No…….."
Continued in Part 25: The End of the Beginning