"Kissing knuckles"

Chapter 21

It was a threat to his sanity to look across the table at her. He kept his eyes down on the menu because it was much easier to produce more than two or three words when he didn't have to see her beaming vision. Robert knew that she was absolutely beautiful. Boy, he had conjured up her image multiple times a day when he had been separated from her. But now that she was before him in the flesh, it took the air out of his lungs. How was it that she was even more beautiful than in his memories?

He absolutely lost his focus when he saw her approaching him in front of the bistro. He forgot why they were here, what the purpose of this meeting was, and what he had to do. It slowly came back to him now. This was his chance to make things right again. Maybe his last chance. She wanted to talk, and this was a very good step. She had said, she wanted to work things out. Robert had to make sure that they were worked out in the right direction. Because, Lord, he needed her!

When Cora had called yesterday, there was still the shock from his lost letter in his bones. The second part of his sentimental letter was for his eyes only. The thought of anyone, Cora in particular, finding this letter, brought him into a state of sheer panic. After all, the content had the potential to jeopardize any prospect he might have with her. But when they had talked over the phone, it didn't seem to him that she knew of this letter. She would have mentioned it, wouldn't she? She couldn't very well overgo the weighty confession that somehow was part of his helpless words. So, when he came to their date today, apart from all the nerves he had, he was also a bit relieved that he could try winning her back from a fresh point. Somehow – he had no idea how – he had to show her that they were much better off together.

Cora cleared her throat suddenly, and Robert knew his chances diminished with every second he sat there avoiding a move.

"So…" her melodious voice fought for his attention. And the sound brought him back to memories of her being his closest companion. He realised that her voice would never not do that. "Why do you think our thing didn't work out?" she asked carefully in an earnest tone.

Right. He remembered. That was why they were here.

"Uhm…" He was a little bit at a loss. He sensed it was a loaded question, and Cora's intense and awaiting look at him didn't help.

He inhaled. He would try to be as clear as possible he thought. "Well, because I didn't tell you about the archive room man immediately, right?"

He could see how Cora pursed her lips. She absently took the coke the waiter delivered to their table at that moment. Robert was too anxious to touch the glass of soda that was positioned in front of him.

Cora furrowed her brow. "Do you really think that was the core problem?" She questioned him. She definitely wasn't convinced.

"I thought… I thought that was why you were mad?!" he was confused. "I didn't talk to you about it and I think you wanted more communication, more… more honesty."

Her lips twitched lightly but she still looked thoughtful; her eyes didn't smile.

"So, with more honesty, our thing could have worked?" she pondered. It was a real question.

"Wait, you think we wouldn't have worked regardless of all that archive room stuff?" Now he gripped the glass of soda for support. He hadn't realised her doubts went so deep. He felt a sting in his chest and worry clouded his mind. Maybe it was all decided already and there was no way for him to get her back. Oh, oh! No, no, no!

Cora gasped for air but she didn't answer right away. She looked down at the table before she spoke again. Her voice was low when she did. "I think it wasn't the one singular problem we had. But I guess we both were in a state, where we were blissfully unaware." She looked at him with her head slightly tilted to the side. "I think we both know it."

Robert stayed silent.

"But I mean, that's why we are here, right?" She smiled timidly. "To find out if it's fixable." Robert saw the apprehension in her eyes as she waited anxiously for his response.

He nodded. "Of course." He was a little overwhelmed, seeing that suddenly Cora was the one afraid if he still wanted it. After the first moment of surprise, Robert realised how good it felt to know that she hadn't written them off completely.

Robert took heart. "So, we have to be more honest?" he asked and picked up her question.

"Honesty is never wrong," Cora commented. Robert had to swallow when he watched how her lips caressed the words and his mind pictured how her tongue sculpted the American syllables. He had to focus. "Is there something you want to get off your chest right away?" she asked. It took him a second to realise he was put on the spot; was given a deciding challenge.

I would like to kiss you, he thought. Probably not what she meant, he pondered.

He didn't know what to say, and his chest started burning with the growing fear of failure. If didn't say anything, it would be over. He was absolutely sure about it. But the more he tried to think, the more grew his fear, and the less he could think of anything. He worried his lips with his teeth. Cora in front of him went slightly blurry, and he could hear his blood pumping in his ears.

"You're a fool, you know that?" Her clear voice froze his blood.

"Wh-what?" he stammered.

Cora took a deep breath. She looked above his head and through his haze of anxiety, Robert could see how she steeled herself.

"Okay, let me be blunt," she said. Her voice was resolute. She reminded him of his sister when she called him out on his shit. When Rosamund was like this, it was slightly aggravating, but it gave him a sense of calm when Cora took things into her hands like this. It dawned on him that was probably why this 'friends with benefits thing' under her control had worked so well for him. "I want you to tell me what your goals are with me. What do want, Robert?"

His breathing was shallow. This was a clear question. It shouldn't be too hard to answer, since he pretty well knew what he wanted.

"You." It came out rather abruptly.

Now Cora was baffled for a moment. Robert gulped.

"I… I want you. That's what I wanted to say."

A small beam lit up Cora's eyes, but her gaze quickly shot down to her hands, which she kneaded intensely.

"But what do you want from me exactly?" she clarified, a hint of frustration tinging her voice.

Her insisting piercing questions confused him. "Well, what I should want from you? I don't get it. I don't have any demands." He was at his wit's end.

"Damn, Robert!" she cursed. "I read your letter, and I want to know if it's true. If you really feel for me that way. If you are serious about me." Her cheeks were flushed, and at the same time, there was an expression of expectation on her face and a look of disappointment in her eyes.

"Oh…" Her words took all the air out of his lungs. She knew. "The letter?" he still asked weakly.

"Yes, Robert. THE letter!"

When he only looked into his cup and didn't bring out any words, because he was once again left speechless, Cora quietly but firmly made another statement.

"I will only see you again if I hear you say it's serious. I can't do it otherwise."

He brought his eyes to her. Despite her firm voice, her eyes pleaded with him and his heart clenched at the sight. His lips parted slightly. But as his mind took its time forming the right words, Cora was quicker.

She breathed in a suddenly beseeching and feeble voice, "I need you to say it." She squeezed her shut instantly as if she regretted what she said. Robert instinctively took her hands and the touch send an unexpected wave of warmth through him.

"I'm dead serious," he said. "I meant every word I wrote. I don't want to ruin things between us; that's probably why I was – well, I am – afraid to say anything like this out loud. But," he bobbed his head vigorously, "you're not a best friend to me." Cora's shortly excited expression changed, so he hurried to continue. "You are much more; that I can't even begin to describe it. I have no words to know what I feel. But it's a lot and it hurts too much when you're away."

Cora's bottom lip trembled slightly. The bright beam in her eyes told him she wasn't unhappy with what he said, though. She squeezed his hands that still held hers.

"I missed you too much," he added in a whisper.

"Oh, Robert." Cora gently shook her head. "Me too, me too," she breathed.

She cleared her throat before she said, "I'm not hungry actually. Is your apartment free?"

"Free? Uhm, yeah…?" A grin spread on his face when he saw her cheeky smirk. "Oh, absolutely!"

…

His hands were on her as soon as they had thrown off their coats. His lips crushed onto hers as he pulled her closer with his hands on her waist. The soft weight of her hands on his shoulders made him spiral into bliss. He pushed her to the living room, trying to guide her across the edge of the carpet, not wanting her to trip.

"Mhm, my shoes, Robert," she mumbled between kisses. But he ignored her call for responsibility and lifted her onto the couch instead. "Our shoes are dirty," she tried again when his lips descended to her neck, but her words were troubled by her heavy breathing.

"I don't care," he breathed into her skin. Her scent and taste were so intoxicating that he couldn't care for anything at the moment, apart from how he could devour her as quickly as possible. His feet clad in muddy boots tried to find support against the carpet when he tried to pull Cora closer to his body hovering above her.

"You know, we have all the time in the world," Cora said but belying her words she pulled impatiently at his shirt and raked her fingernails frantically over his back as soon as she found his bare skin.

"And I don't want to waste a second," he groaned when he felt Cora suck at the sensitive skin of his neck.

His mind was clouded with lust and desire for the stunning woman on his couch. Their passion was a force unstoppable as soon as ignited.