My First PhanPhic!
A/N: Dedicated to all the new writers who put this in their summaries! You guys inspired me! xD
Summary: Erik, Raoul, Meg, Christine, and Carlotta (plus a couple others) try to help me write my first phanphic. Which this isn't. Maybe just a one-shot, maybe not. Hey, that rhymed. Sorta...
Disclaimer: If I owned anypart of Phantom at all, it would be Erik. And the gondola, cos it's sexay. As it is, I have a very clingy(but very wonderful) boyfriend and a fear of drowning. So...I own NOTHING.
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I sat on the ugly floral couch that disgraced our sage green and purple living room with my laptop sitting on the coffee table in front of me. A blank Word document was open on the screen. Erik, Meg, Raoul, and Christine were all sitting randomly around the room, watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail as I sat and fiddled with a straw I had been chewing on. Erik, who was sitting next to me, glanced over to the computer screen.
"Nice story you've got going there. What's it about? An albino germ in a blizzard?" I rolled my eyes, shoving an ugly floral pillow that matched the couch in his face.
"Then it would be a picture, not a story. And, no, I'm trying to write my very first phanphic. And my muse ran away." I huffed slightly, chewing thoughtfully on my straw. What can I write about and still sound original? Nearly everything and anything has been put into words! I growled softly as Raoul disrupted my thinking.
"You could write about Erik getting his legs and arms chopped off by me. Black Knights always triumph, my arse." I threw the pillow I had just recently shoved into Erik's face at Raoul.
"Duh! The Black Knights DO triumph. You scream if you get a paper cut, Mopman. Besides, black is sexay. Why do you think that's the only color I wear?" I said, stretching my arms out to reveal my black slacks and black hoodie to prove my point.
"Uh, because you're a creepy Goth?" Raoul yelped as I attacked him with the spray bottle we usually used on the cats. This wasn't the normal one, of course. I kept this one filled with ice water, especially for Raoul. Having done that, I went back to my thinking. I couldn't remember what it had been that I was thinking about. I shrugged and decided to go outside for awhile to clean my motorcycle.
With a box of cleaning supplies under one arm, I started for the door. As I opened the door, I felt it hit something and heard a shriek as someone was pushed off of our steps onto the lawn. I looked down, ready to apologise profusely when I saw that it was Carlotta. All of my guilt drained away.
"Why are you disgracing my property, Car Lot? Are you trying to be a lawn gnome with no taste?" I frowned down at her. She pulled herself up and glared daggers at me. I saw that she was holding an envelope in her hand. "What's that?" I asked, referring to the envelope.
"It's what I'm 'ere about! I demand to speak with your beloved little Vicomte! Where is he?" I winced as she screeched at me. I pointed to the door.
"He's in there. But if you're going to shriek at him, go outside and do it. You upset the cats and the rabbit when you do that." I then proceeded to go to the garage and wheeled my motorcycle into the drive. It was the second most important thing to me, other than my laptop. It had a tiger-stripe pattern painted on it but with silver and black instead of traditional orange and black. I sat cleaning it for about fifteen minutes and then just sat back in the shade to think a bit. All of a sudden, Carlotta burst out of the house, completely drenched and glaring at the world. She strode away, and I swear there were flames spreading from her feet. Deciding to go inside to see the damage, I picked up a tennis racket and strode up to the house cautiously. I crept up the steps and opened the door as quietly as I was able, sticking the racket in first and following it. I stood in the doorway of the living room and gazed upon the scene within.
It...looked normal. Erik was in the same spot on the couch, Raoul was still sitting in the purple glider, but Christine had moved to my spot on the couch, and they were all laughing at The Knights of the Round Table. There was a small puddle of water on the hardwood floor that nobody had bothered to wipe up. I groaned and went to get a towel before it ruined the floor. When I reentered the living room I noticed Christine and Erik with their heads together laughing at something as Erik typed furiously on my laptop, with Raoul trying desperately to see what was going on. I walked up to the couch and glared at the two. Pushing Raoul out of the way, I gave Christine a look which made her jump of the couch like she'd touched a live wire. Erik huddled meekly in the his corner of the couch. I sat down and read what they had typed.
A Mop and a Cow
by Christine and Erik
Once upon a time in a big scary castle there was a very ignorant and rather stupid (though very good looking) Mop named Raoul. Raoul went around all day doing no work and admiring himself in mirrors and generally making a nuisance of himself and scaring small children. One day, a cow and a pig moved into the big scary castle.
Oh. My. God, I thought, reading the story. How cruel and at the same time rather funny. I went back to the short story.
The pig was very, very fat and did nothing but eat all day and say he loved the cow, but he only did that because she was moderately rich so he could buy more food. His name was Piangi. The cow thought she was very, very pretty and could moo very prettily. She thought that everyone loved her, but really the only one who loved her at all was the pig, who really only loved the fact that she could sell milk to buy him food. Everyone else, particularly the familes of the people who were misfortunate enough to consume dairy products made from this cow(May they rest in peace) and the health people in the government, just pretended to like her so she'd shut up every once in awhile. There were several rumors about mad cow disease. Her name was Carlotta. Because the mop was so stupid and absorbed in his reflection, it was a long time before he found out anyone was in his castle.
One day Raoul was walking down a hallway looking at himself in the mirror when he collided with with Carlotta, who was also admiring herself in a mirror. Nobody knew where Piangi the Pig was at this point in time. As the mop and the cow collided, they both dropped the mirrors they were carrying. The mirrors fell to the ground and shattered into a million pieces, even the handles which were supposed to be metal. Oh well. Raoul stared at Carlotta in surprise.
"Who are you, and why did you break my mirror? And...why are you in my beloved castle, which is actually really scary but who cares.?" said the mop. The cow stared back.
"I'm Carlotta, you broke my mirror first, and this is MY castle. And I don't like nasty, ugly little mops like you." She stuck her bovine nose in the air snootily, which she was very good at. Raoul gaped, his non-existant mop nose sniffling, which he was very good at.
"Well, I'm Raoul, and YOU broke MY mirror first, this is MY castle, and...and...oh I knew there was something else...uh...Oh! Yeah! I'm not ugly, YOU are. And my favorite meal is STEAK." How a mop has a favorite meal, or eats at all for that matter, I don't know. Carlotta stuck her nose a bit higher in the air, so Raoul was able to see all of her bovine boogers, which made him gag and throw up all over Carlotta.
She screeched in a cow like way and charged at him, knocking him, and Piangi, into a closet. Piangi immediatly started whining that he was going to miss the microwave going off and sat in the corner to suck the last remaining food off his hooves. Raoul and Carlotta did not notice, as they were currently in a fight over who was prettier. The fight went on for days and days.
Finally, someone opened the door. It was a very pretty girl named Christine along with her not quite so pretty friend, Kitty. They had bought the castle legally and were checking out the grounds.
At least they were considerate enough to include me, I thought dryly as I continued reading.
"Oh, look, Christine! A mop! Those things are so ugly and old fasioned. I'll have it put through the wood-chipper later. And look! What a fat pig and cow! Let's take them to the very handsome genius butcher, Erik. Maybe we'll end up with so much bacon and steak that he'll love us forever and come and live with us in this big castle!" Christine was tying a rope around Carlotta's and Piangi's necks.
"That's a great idea, Kitty! I hope he will love us! He's so handsome and smart! And I really do like bacon and steak! Let's go." So the two girls took Carlotta and Piangi to the handsome, genius butcher, Erik, who was more than happy to be rid of the two beasts in the prospects of bacon and steaks. There was A LOT of bacon, but the cow was unsuitable for consumption. Erik and Christine and Kitty went back to the castle where they had fun turning Raoul into mulch for the garden and they all lived happily ever after. The End.
I stared at the document for a moment, then at Christine, and then Erik. I burst out laughing.
"That was the STUPIDEST story I've ever read, and that's including the one where Susannah and I attempted to take over the U.S. Government using socks and sour Skittles. I liked the ending, though." Still laughing, I saved the document and shut down the computer. I got ready to make supper and sprayed Raoul with the water bottle again for good measure. I'd write my own story later.
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A/N: So...Whaddya think? Is it so terrible I should leave it as a one shot or take it away completely? Or should I continue it? The power rests with you, the reviewers, and that liddle purply button near the bottom of the screen. Hope you enjoyed!
-Kitty-