Daria arrived at Jane's house and knocked on the door.

"Hey, Amiga!" said Jane, flinging the door open. "Ready for Bad Movie Night CXVII?"

Daria yawned. "No, but go ahead."

"Get much sleep last night?" Daria shook her head.

"Quinn left her straightening iron plugged in and late last night it somehow fell into her hamper and set her clothes on fire."

"Oh, so the smoke detector woke you up."

"Worse...Quinn started squealing about her precious clothes being wrecked."

Jane laughed.

"But she's taking it well, especially since my Dad gave her his platinum gold card to replace everything," Daria continued. "So what are we watching?"

Jane triumphantly whipped out The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, which she had been holding behind her back. "Ta-da!"

"Again?" said Daria with a pained look in her eyes.

"Hey, it's a good story!" said Jane defensively.

"The book was better."

"You Tolkien purists take the fun out of everything."

Daria rolled her eyes. "Oh, you just want to watch Legolas prance around with his bow and arrow."

"Hell, yeah," said Jane, unabashed. "And since this is the extended version, there's bound to be more of that luscious elf-man!"

"I'm more partial to Aragorn, myself," said Daria. She gasped and covered her mouth after realizing what she had let that slip out.

Jane smirked. "Is it because he's tall, dark, and handsome, like a certain someone who's in a band...?"

Daria scowled. "Two words: bridesmaid's dress."

Still smirking, Jane led the way to the living room and popped the first DVD into the DVD player.

"I amar prestar aen. The world is changing...I feel it in the earth..."

Daria yawned and closed her eyes. When they opened again, Jane's living room had disappeared and she was standing in what looked suspiciously like Bag End. She looked down and saw that she was now wearing breeches, a buttoned-down shirt, and was completely barefoot.

"Now my day's complete," she muttered. "Who am I supposed to be, Bilbo?"

"Bilbo's gone to stay with the elves. He's left Bag End to you, Frodo."

Daria jumped and turned. There was no one there.

"Don't worry, it's only the narrator," said the voice.

"Narrator?" said Daria, eyes widening. "So I'm in the movie?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"Wait a minute. I thought the movie started with Gandalf visiting for Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday."

"Nah. I decided to cut that part out. It was making the story go on too long. Besides, the sooner you're on the road, the sooner we get to Legolas!"

"And my nervous breakdown," said Daria. "Since Legolas is so popular, why didn't you just make him the hero, then?"

"Because this is a Daria/LOTR crossover. It wouldn't work."

"So that explains why pinching myself in an effort to wake up isn't working. So how do I get out of here?"

"Just complete the quest," the narrator said simply.

Daria frowned. "I should have known. Can I at least have my shoes?"

"Hobbits are supposed to be barefoot," protested the narrator.

"True, but I'm not a hobbit, and therefore do not have the feet required for walking over rocks, sharp sticks, pine needles – "

"Nope," said the inexorable narrator.

Daria raised an eyebrow. "No? No shoes, no quest."

"Oh yeah? Then you'll never get home."

"Bag End seems to have plenty of food, not to mention a nice vegetable garden in front. And Hobbiton is lovely this time of year..." Daria sat down on a comfy armchair and stretched out.

"Arrrgh! Fine, here are your stupid shoes!"

Daria looked down and saw that her trademark boots had appeared on her feet.

"Damn cartoon character!" said the narrator. "Next thing you know, she'll be wanting a horse."

Daria considered this. "Hmmm...a horse would be nice, since I'll most likely be coming into contact with Ring Wraiths..."

"To Bree! Now!"

"Oh, all right. Spoilsport." She tucked the ring into her pocket and put a traveling pack onto her back.

Jane popped up into the open window. "Don't forget me!"

"Jane? You're in this, too?"

"Just call me Sam," she said dryly. "At least I'm not Toto, like some other fanfic writers have made me be in the past…" (Crazy Nutzo's terrific Wizard of Oz parody "Through the Rainbow")

Daria squeezed her eyes shut and clicked her heels. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home…"

"Nice try," said the narrator. "Wrong universe, though."

Daria shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

"We're off to see the wizard..." Jane sang off-key.

"Speaking of which, where is Gandalf?" asked Daria, looking around.

"By my calculations, Gandalf should be prisoner of Saruman by now," said the narrator.

"Oh, crud," said Jane. She saw Daria's boots. "Hey, how come you get to wear shoes? I want some, too!"

The narrator sighed impatiently and wrote that Jane was wearing her boots. "Now get going!"

Daria clicked her heels together and gave a salute. "Jawohl, mein fuhrer."