Author's Note: Just so we're all clear. I don't own Degrassi or anything related to it. I do own a stinky cat, if you want that.
She considered her recent experiences as a sort of crucible. An extreme test that not only had the pressures of perfectionism, and the now cliched idea of Emma Nelson, a crusader, a person who stood up for what she believed in, that had pushed her to the brink, but combined with the expectations of her peers, even her own damn family at that, had forced to do and experience things she never would have thought about before. Before...everything. The shooting, Rick, as well as her sudden change in demeanor. Sure, there had to be other Emma's around the world, but they didn't know what her anguish felt like, and they probably never would. What happened at Degrassi, to Emma, would probably never happen to them. Some people were just fortunate in that manner.
That one life-turning aspect, that others had seemed to brush off their shoulder in a heartbeat, had scarred her for good, as a hallmark of what she once was, and what she had become. She recognized that she had changed after the occurance, and had even welcomed the conversion. At first it could have been conceived that she was really just dealing with what had happened. If that included a modified, toned Emma, than so be it. Anything to stop the rumors and gossip, and most importantly the concern of her parents, would be accepted.
Over time, she had learned to walk in the hallways of Degrassi with an apathetic posture, learned to ignore the the stares and whispers as she walked by. Even those of the crudest nature had been dismissed, because paying attention to such comments wouldn't do her any good. Towards the beginning, she had paid too much attention, leaving her pondering about what had happened. Especially as to why people suddenly glanced at her as if she were a ghost, their thoughts of her practically scrolling across their face much like a marquee. Most of their thoughts lead to the never-ending question; why her? Why did Rick target her out of everyone else that was there? Emma was the only one besides Toby who had even touched the matter of friendship with him.
She supposed her true downfall was when Rick entered the picture. Her crusades against him had only backfired on her, and her five seconds of leverage on the social ladder quickly descended back to the lower rungs where she was stuck with her geeky friends after she refused to let a bunch of people beat the former abuser. Befriending him had even become more-or-less palpable, much to everyone's surprise. It was then that most of the bullying had ceased. Well, that is until the placidity had changed into an uncontrollable tidal wave. But when Rick had aimed his gun directly towards her, she had thought her life would have been over. She figured it would be a fair punishment after all the hearts she broke, including his.
What really bothered her was what she had thought at that moment in time. It wasn't the typical, expected "What will happen to my family?" "I was so terrible to him," or even the "I'm sorry for everything." She was selfish, because she had only feared for her life. Not Sean's, Toby's, or even Jimmy's. Only her own. The feeling may not have lasted long, and sure, maybe she did snap back to reality and fear for Sean and everyone else (especially when he made the ultimate gesture of saving her life), but the fact that she hadn't given much concern for anyone else, only herself, had tied together all the dangling loose strings, wound into a knot of blame and affliction.
After that, she gave up everything that she once payed attention to, or actually gave a damn about. No one could accuse of her of vacating completely though. She had busied herself somewhat, doing odds and ends, mostly tending to activities by herself. She had even joined the school play, which was the first baby step to for her wanting to fall off the face of the earth. Things weren't so bad at first. She mostly hung around by herself, ignored Alex and Amy. There was one anomalie to the ordeal, however. Jay. The little attention she did get fromhim had been surprisingly liberating. Jay, of all people. They only did minor things, and neither one of them acted on the trivial details. After all, it was exactly that: trivial. It wasn't as if she had been doing anything wrong; she was still in the green. A hand here and there, maybe even a lock of the eyes that was a little too long for them to just be acquaintances didn't matter. It was Jay, so it was expected. Why would she be be one to ignore a little fixation?
Until that attention gradually emancipated from the boundaries of his attachment, being Alex. Well, maybe not, but it was a comforting idea to say in the least. It was much easier to put than say, "Hey, I'm helping you cheat on your girlfriend. Big deal." In her right mind, it was obvious that she knew what she was doing. When the concept came in a form as blunt as the former, however, she would dismiss it. If that meant that she was running from her conscience, then that is exactly what Emma was doing.
Jay showed her how to let go. It could have very well been the fog of enthrallment that blurred her vision from right and wrong, but the matter that for once she didn't have to worry about what people thought, and that it was indeed possible for someone to live such a nonchalant life, was comforting. So, the ravine, once a place where she would clean up after many litterbugs, became her new "safe" haven.
She knew that she only did what she did because he let her cope. Maybe not in the typical way that most people might have, but it sufficed. She also knew that to do what she did, she had to have some sort of attraction there. It was secure to only regard it as physical, but for her, it wasn't. No matter how much she denied it, he had to mean something. Not that anyone could ever find out, of course. Not even she was able to fathom it, which was probably why the thought was completely neglected, for the mean time.
There is one rule of thumb that those who live the wild life need to abide by; simply don't get caught. That, however, ended up to cause quite a problem in Emma's situation. Before she had time to blink, the entire school had heard the ring of gossip. It didn't help that she had contracted an STD, which only made her feel like she was sinking even farther down into the sand pit she had somehow landed in. Not only was she humiliated in the school drama, but the revenge of jealous ex-boyfriends came back to bite her in the ass, now up-ing her school status to just a smidge short of Manny.
No one really knew what to make of her, or what to even do after that. Snake had decided to watch her like a hawk, monitering her and giving other students a pleasurable laugh at how pathetic the situation had really become. In time, once one has continuously lived through that embarrassment, it may as well become believeable. Maybe she really was pathetic, and never had taken the time of day to realize it. Really, who wants to protest cafeteria food with a prude like her? Or Clean the Ravine? Then again, her peers did seem to have more respect for her back then, when she was trying to save the world, rather then to turn her back against everything.
Emma wanted to atleast try to regain her previous status, even if it wasn't the greatest. Emma Nelson, environmental activist, babysitter, straight-A-student, loyal friend and daughter. From the standpoint that she was at, that reputation didn't look half bad. At least it still contained the morale and virtue that was now longed for. Truth of the matter is, no longer would she ever be the same. She had forever changed; shed the skin of adolesence, along with leaving behind the separate peace and innocence of a child. The taste and linger of exhilaration had been intoxicating with Jay, that is, until she had to return to reality and face the consequences. Her disiplined actions and model citizen character had been swept away with the blink of an eye. What was probably most embarassing was the fact that she enjoyed what she did. Perhaps others knew that as well, saw it right through her, thus the urge for insinuation.
Today, would be like any other day. She would focus on something other than that of the weird looks she got. The glare of his orange Civic with his body casually strewn against it, watching her, would have to be ignored with a turn of the head. She would ignore Chris and pretend he hadn't ever said anything. It all sounded so simple, but truth of the matter was, it would probably be one of the hardests tasks she would have to compete with. Having to disregard her heart was strenuous. But with all of the fantasies that had been drawn up, figuring that he ever felt that way was daft. All a guy like Jay Hogart would want is a quickie, something short, no strings attached. So long as she kept that thought in mind, her feelings would be easy to ignore.
It would be like this for awhile, she knew. It was always going to be this way. She had already said goodbye to Emma Nelson awhile ago, and all that came programed with her.
For her, it was the only plausible way to survive this tribulation.