The Fellowship was camped near the Misty Mountains. Jane was busy frying dinner over a fire. The fashettes were congregated together a few feet away, talking about all things shallow and unimportant.

Upchuck approached them with a gleam in his eye. "Any of you lovely ladies need any help with your sword fighting technique? I'll even let you blow my 'horn of Gondor'..." he said suggestively.

"EWWWW!" was the unanimous reply.

Upchuck shrugged and moved to Daria. "How about you, my ravishing ring bearer?"

"Take one step closer and I'll cut off your head," she replied.

"Playing hard to get, eh? Feisty!"

Daria unsheathed Sting and took a fighting stance. "Your other head."

Upchuck gulped, managed a weak "feisty!" and backed away, shielding his vulnerable area.

Daria sheathed her sword and walked over to Jane. "So what's for dinner? Seeing as we're not up to lembas yet."

Jane started to answer but then got distracted. "What's that up in the sky that's coming toward us?"

"Just a little something from Saruman, I suppose," said Daria.

"Saruman!" cried Amy. "Hide!"

Jane, Daria, Amy, and Upchuck ran and crouched under nearby jutting rocks and shrubbery. The fashettes paid them no heed and continued talking.

"Hey, you four! Get over here!" shouted Amy.

"It's just a bunch of stupid birds!" said Quinn contemptuously.

"Yeah, like, besides, our clothes will get all wrinkled," said Sandi.

"But what if she's right?" said Stacy fearfully.

Sandi glared at her.

"Eeep!" said Stacy.

Daria thought quickly. "You have to hide, because with so many birds flying overhead, odds are that one of them will poop all over you!"

Amy grinned at Daria and added, "And there are no showers around for miles!"

"Hah, yeah right, Quinn's cousin and Quinn's cousin's aunt, or whatever," scoffed Sandi.

The birds were now directly overhead. All of a sudden, there was a humungous splat, and Quinn's helmet was covered with bird crap.

"Oooohhh!" she screamed.

Belatedly, the fashettes ran for cover, but Amy crawled out and waved them away. "It's too late, you fools! They've already seen us. How did I get stuck with such a stupid fellowship?"

The narrator looked away and whistled innocently.

"Well, now we have two options," said Amy. "We can go over the huge snow-covered mountain to our left, or travel through the dark caves under it. I say we go over."

"Um, okay," shrugged Quinn.

"Wait, would that require, like, walking through snow?" asked Sandi.

"Um, yes..." said Amy.

"No way!" said Sandi, appalled. "These boots are made of real leather. Let's go the other way."

"In a cave? But it's so dark!" said Quinn.

"Yah...and icky," said Tiffany.

"And it might have bats in it!" said Stacy.

Sandi glared at them. "The mountain will be windy, and snow will be falling, lots of it."

"Oh, no...wind...snow...hair..." said Tiffany with a look of horror on her face.

"Enough!" said Amy. "There's only one way we can decide this."

She looked at Daria. Everyone else did, too. After a moment…

"Anyone got a coin?" sighed Daria.

Jane fished a nickel out of her pocket and gave it to her.

"Okay, heads Moria, tails Caradhras," said Daria.

"What?" said the three fashettes.

"Heads under the mountain, tails over," said Daria.

"Oh."

Daria flipped the coin. It landed on heads. "Moria, it is then."

It was night by the time they reached the gates to Moria.

Amy boldly stepped forward. "Okay, let's skip the racket: Mellon."

The door did not move.

Amy tried again. "Mellon!"

The door still did not move.

"I don't get it," said Daria. "That's the word in the book."

"May I remind you that this isn't the book, it's a crossover/parody," the narrator interjected.

"Figures I'm no closer to the answer than Gandalf was," said Amy, sitting down to think.

Meanwhile, Quinn was busy washing her helmet and hair in the water.

"Hey, cool it with the splashing," said Trent. "You'll attract something."

"At least I wash my hair, unlike a certain grungy ranger," Quinn sniffed.

Trent scowled.

Daria raised an eyebrow. In a voice loud enough for Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany to hear, she said, "How do you know he's called a ranger?"

Quinn wilted immediately. "I saw the movie once, okay? All right, twice! But it was only because Legolas was so hot! Is that a crime?"

Daria rolled her eyes. "Is everyone attracted to that pretty-boy Legolas?"

"Damn straight!" said Jane proudly.

"Nah, not me. I always preferred Aragorn myself," said Trent.

Everyone gaped at him.

Trent blushed. "Wait, I didn't mean it that way..."

Daria smirked. "Well, he does have long hair…"

"Heh, that's true. But what I meant is that he's my favorite character. I always envisioned myself as him."

"And here we thought you liked Arwen the best," teased Jane.

"No, not really...although I always thought that Daria would make a good Arwen," said Trent. "She's got that Liv Tyler soulful look."

Jane nudged Daria. Blushing furiously, Daria shot Jane a death glare.

"Hmmm…since Sandi is Legolas, I delight in the slash possibilities here…" mused Upchuck.

"As if, loser!" said Sandi.

Amy jumped up. "Aha! I've got it!"

She pushed the door, and it opened.

"Excuse me?" said Daria, dumbfounded.

Amy shrugged. "Hey, I figured since this was one of the most unlikely situations we'd ever be in, it would be the most unlikely thing to do, so I did it."

"Damn. She's figured out the rules. Now I have to change them," the narrator thought to herself.

"Internal monologues should be in italics," said Daria.

As the Company entered Moria, a tentacle snaked out of the water and – after STRONGLY CONSIDERING going after Daria – moved toward Quinn.

"Quinn, look out!" screamed Stacy, who had actually been following along for once.

Quinn turned and saw the tentacle, screamed, and ran into the cave. The creature managed to snatch her helmet and a few strands of hair before retreating into the lake.

Quinn gingerly felt the top of her head. "Yes! No more ugly helmet!"

Suddenly, there was a big burp, and the helmet shot out of the water and landed by Quinn's feet.

"Eww! It's all slimy! I refuse to wear it!"

"Gee, Quinn, is that a five o'clock shadow appearing on your face?" said Sandi, amused.

"Oh, all right! You win!" Quinn crammed the helmet on head. It made a squishing sound. "Why me?"

"Cheer up, Quinn. At least you have shoes," said Stacy. "We don't have any foot protection at all."

"Yah," said Tiffany.

"But these boots are so clunky and ugly! They're almost like my sis--cousins!"

"Too bad you weren't able to get stunning real-leather boots like mine," said Sandi smugly.

"Yes, Sandi," sighed Quinn.

There was another squishing sound.

"Eww! I stepped in something mushy!" cried Sandi.

Quinn clasped her hands together. "Thank you, guardian angel!"

"Uggh! It's a dead person!" said Stacy.

"Stacy, eww!" Tiffany scolded.

Before Stacy could apologize, Amy shined her rod-light around. There were numerous dwarf skeletons on the ground.

"Oh, joy," said Daria.

"Perhaps we'd better leave," said Jane.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the door caved in.

"You bitch," said Daria.

"Sorry, but I didn't want to go about the whole bother of having you battle that octopus-thing, but I can't have you leave," said the narrator. "Think of it this way – I saved you from breaking a sweat."

"It's nice to know you're looking out for us," said Daria sarcastically.

"We can't leave!" cried Sandi. "Quinn, this is all your fault!"

"What? I wanted to go over the mountain! Besides, I didn't flip the coin, Daria did."

Sandi was momentarily slowed by Quinn's show of spine, but recovered quickly and rounded on Daria. "So, Quinn's loser cousin, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Daria's eyes narrowed. "Hey. If you had hidden in the bushes with the rest of us when those crebain flew by, we might have been able to pass through the Gap of Rohan and we wouldn't have had to even flip the coin in the first place."

Sandi looked furious. "You mean we missed an opportunity to go to a Gap?"

They were interrupted by a clattering sound. Tiffany had accidentally knocked a dead dwarf into a well. "His shield was so shiny..." she said sheepishly.

"You idiot!" said Amy. "Next time throw yourself in and rid us of your stupidity!"

"But...I can't swim..." said Tiffany, confused.

Amy sighed. "Let's just go before all the orcs and cave troll get here."

"Gee, a four day trip condensed into ten minutes," said Daria. "How convenient."

"Are you complaining?" asked the narrator quickly. "I could lengthen this part if you like."

Daria's eyes widened. "Uh, no, please don't."

The sound of many orcs echoed off the cavern walls.

Amy lifted her staff. "Let's get the hell to the bridge of Khazad-Dum!"

Tiffany looked up from her reflection in a discarded ax-blade. "Where?"

Stacy grabbed her. "Come on!"

Everyone ran, even Daria. "I'm going to kill you for this, if it's the last thing I do," she gasped.

Jane smacked attacking orcs with her frying pan as they ran. "Well, we're doing good!" she said cheerfully. "No sign of the Balrog yet!"

There was a huge roar and flames appeared. All the orcs retreated in fear.

Daria glared at Jane. "You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?"

Jane smiled sheepishly and shrugged. Everyone ran across the bridge with the Balrog in hot pursuit.

"What a terrible pun," said Daria.

Orcs shot many arrows at them and missed – although one of them slightly grazed Daria's hair.

"Okay, I'll shut up now," said Daria in a small voice.

"Geez, none of these orcs can shoot worth a damn!" said Jane, shaking her head. "How do these guys manage to survive in the wild?"

"Maybe they get welfare checks from Sauron," Daria deadpanned.

Amy, who was bringing up the rear, stopped in the middle and turned to face the Balrog. As the others ran out of Moria, Daria and Jane stopped and turned.

"Aunt Amy, what are you doing?" asked Daria.

"I feel a burning need to break the bridge to stop the Balrog...even though we are nearly out and he probably wouldn't follow us outside because he hates the light. You know, the whole 'shadow and flame' thing."

"Er...right," said Daria.

Amy turned back to the Balrog.

"You shall not pass!" She struck her staff onto the bridge. The entire thing crumpled.

"Oh crap." Amy and the Balrog tumbled into dark chasm.

"Aunt Amy!" said Daria.

Jane pulled her back. "Come on, Daria, let's get out of here!"

They ran out of the exit as arrows whizzed by them. Jane shook her head. "Tsk. They'd probably do better blindfolded."

"What took you guys so long?" asked Quinn, annoyed when they finally emerged from Moria.

"You sound almost happy to see us," said Daria.

"Upchuck was getting, well, grabby," she said. "So, where did Aunt Amy go?"

Daria bowed her head. "She's fallen into shadow."

"Oh," said Quinn, solemnly.

Sandi was outraged. "I was never informed that people were going to be dying!"

"It's okay, Sandi. Your character lives," Quinn reassured her.

Sandi relaxed. "Oh, then it's all right."

"At least, until we reach Lothlorien," said Daria angrily.

"What!"

Quinn glared at Daria. "Don't worry, Sandi, she's just joking. Legolas lives through all three movies."

Daria smiled her Mona Lisa smile. "How do you know that, Quinn? The other two movies haven't come out yet."

(Well, they hadn't when I originally wrote this, so sue me! Er…not really, that was just a joke.)

"Sounds like Quinn has actually...read the books!" said Jane.

"It was for a book report!" she protested lamely.

"Next thing you know, she'll be reading War and Peace," said Daria gravely.

"Maybe she'll even have to get reading glasses!" snickered Jane.

"Oh! Let's just get to Lothlorien!" Quinn stomped off.

Daria followed. "Whatever you say...bookworm."