The boats sailed lazily down the Anduin River and passed through the old borders of Numenor. They were guarded by the Argonath –

"For those who don't know what that is, the two larger-than-life king statues holding their hands up in a stop gesture," Daria said.

"When I want your input I'll ask for it!" the narrator snapped. "I was getting to that!"

Trent gazed wistfully at the statures. "Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old."

Daria's eyes widened. "Have you now?"

"Yeah. It's given me inspiration for a song." He started singing:

My ancestor's race

Says get out of their face!

Makes our enemies quiver

Cuz they know we'll deliver

A can of whoopass!

"So what do you think, Daria?" he asked.

"It's not exactly 'I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew'..." Daria began.

Trent looked hurt.

"…but it will do just fine," she said quickly.

Trent smiled and continued singing. Daria and Jane looked at each other and repressed a groan. It was going to be a long boat ride.

The Fellowship came to the banks of Amon Hen.

"Yippee," said Daria sarcastically. "A new set of woods to deal with."

Daria wandered alone in the woods while the others set up camp.

"Or rather, Jane set up camp as Trent continued working on his song and the fashettes fixed their make-up using the river as a mirror," muttered Jane.

Anyways, Daria met Upchuck, who was busy gathering firewood.

"Well, well, well, my long-legged lynx, you shouldn't be wandering alone," Upchuck admonished her.

"Stuff it, Upchuck."

"Rroww! Feisty! But now that we're in more...ahem...intimate surroundings..."

"Don't you dare come near me," said Daria, backing away.

"You can't fight it any longer! Smoldering passion is our fate!" Upchuck lunged at her, and Daria kicked him very hard in the groin, smirking as he doubled over in agony.

"So glad the narrator let me keep my boots." She looked around. "Well, I suppose I'd better be getting along before the Uruk-Hai get here. Let me just orient myself – "

Daria slipped on the ring. The tower of Barad-Dur, complete with big orange eye, zoomed in. "Peeeeek-a-booooo…I seeeee yoouuuuuu…"

"Well, that's enough of that." Daria removed the ring. "Okay. Southeast is that way."

She started to walk, but froze at the sound of footsteps crashing through the brush. Daria relaxed (well, somewhat) when Trent came into view, bearing Upchuck's shield.

"Daria! There you are!"

Daria hid how pleased she was. "You were looking for me?"

"Yeah. We wondered where you went, especially when we noticed that that Upchuck guy was gone, too. He left his shield. Idiot."

Daria pointed. "You'll find him a few yards to the right, recovering."

Trent looked admiringly at her. "Wow, Daria. I guess I should have known that you could take care of yourself. You're the smartest girl I ever met."

Daria blushed. "Umm...thanks. Well, I've got to go to Mordor now."

Trent nodded. "Yeah...I remember. I saw the movie."

Before she could leave, Trent reached out and enfolded her in a hug. "Be careful out there."

Daria's eyes met his. "I will." There was an awkward pause as they continued looking at each other. Then the ground began to rumble with the sound of many footsteps. The orcs were coming.

Trent broke their embrace. "Run," he said.

Daria hesitated. "But – "

"Run!" he cried, drawing his sword.

Daria hung her head in despair. "I hate my life. I wish this stupid quest had never come to me."

Bitter, but resigned, she began to make her way back to the river.

Meanwhile, Trent went over to where Upchuck was laying.

"Oh, thank God you're here!" said Upchuck, standing up shakily. "And you've brought my shield!"

Trent hit Upchuck on the head with the shield and he crumpled back to the ground.

"That was for what you tried to do to Daria," said Trent darkly. Humming, he walked away and left him to the mercy of the orcs.

The orcs, who were commanded by Ms. Barch (Lurtz), riddled Upchuck with arrows as soon as they came upon him. Just after Upchuck was put out of his misery, Stacy and Tiffany wandered in.

"So then Quinn told Paula Parsky that her black underwear was showing through her white pants..." said Stacy.

"That's sooo wrong," said Tiffany.

"Halflings!" cried Barch. The orcs aimed their crossbows. "No, don't shoot them, you idiots, they're women! Just pick them up and let's go!"

The orcs scooped up the two girls, tossed them over their shoulders, and carried them off.

"No! Aaaah! Help!" screamed Stacy and Tiffany.

Trent had overheard the whole thing. "Oh, great. Now someone's going to have to go rescue them."