Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C. However, I do own a spiffy new Modest Mouse CD and new Avon goodies.

Thanks for all the reviews guys! Yes, Ryan's next. I found this one a bit harder to write. It's a bit shorter than the others, (although longer than I expected) but I think it fits in with Ryan's character. Reviews are welcomed with open arms! That said; let's get to it!

Ryan

Hey.

This is harder than I thought.

This is about the sixth draft I've started.

I'm…not so good with the words. Now take Seth, or Sandy, they could talk for California. But me, I like to convey more with a look. But, obviously, I don't think that will work here.

I would have written sooner, but things have been crazy here. Still are.

I miss you. I'm upset over what you said to me, but it doesn't make me miss you any less. I mean, after all my mom did, and put me through, I still love her, and she's done a lot worse stuff than you.

I mean it's my fault, I know. I'm the one who had an alcoholic mother; I should have been able to spot the signs. But I was too busy wrapped up in girl drama. I became too complacent.

I guess I'm not very good with emotions, but I do love you. I can't call you mom, ever, because that label belongs to Dawn, and brings up memories of her alcohol-fuelled abandonment. Even though you're in rehab, I never felt like you abandoned me, more like the other way around. Maybe you're not my "mom" but to me you're my mother, and that means a lot more. There's not many people who would take another person's kid as their own and love them as if they were flesh and blood. I should have been there to help you. I noticed that you weren't spending as much time with the Newpsies, or Sandy, but I didn't pay attention and I should have.

I know you didn't want me to stay at first, and I still wonder why you changed your mind, was it out of pity, or sympathy? Did it start that way then turn into something more? I think we're both kind of similar; we're definitely not the talkers of the family, so I think it took us longer to bond. I didn't realise that I had grown to love you until I had to leave for Chino. I guess I thought if I didn't love you, it would hurt both of us less when I left.

Did you ever notice how similar we look? Blonde hair, blue eyes. At the shower for Julie and your Dad's wedding, Marissa's Aunt Cindy actually thought I was your younger brother! Sometimes I think about that and wonder what it would have been like if I really was your son.

When I lived in Chino I thought that rich people would have no problems, turns out, they're mostly just a different set of problems. But some remain the same however much you earn or where you live. Like alcoholism.

Alcohol brings out the worst in people. My mom, Marissa, you. I know that it can make you lash out, I hope that at the intervention it was the alcohol talking, not you, but I guess there's a part of me that is still insecure about my place here, and you make me doubt myself most of all. At home, my dad and my brother were asses who landed themselves in jail, but they mostly ignored me. My mom, on the other hand, used me as her personal slave, then threw me out of the house. I guess I don't have much experience with a proper mother, so I always expect the worst, because then I'll never be disappointed. But you surprised me. You bought me stuff, but never made a big deal about it, unlike my mom, who always used it against me to do things so she could sit and get high all the time. You gave me curfews, worried about me, made sure I did my homework, that I didn't work too hard. You gave me a chance to live some of my childhood while I still had a few years of it left. I like the fact that you care enough about me to discipline me, a fact that I think Seth will never understand, and I hope to God he never will.

That afternoon when it was just you and I in the house, and you asked me to help with the model home blueprint and design meant a lot to me. I really enjoyed it. I'd really like to do that again. Maybe, when you finish rehab, I can help around the Newport Group with you. No task is too small! I could use the work experience for college applications, and it would be nice to work with you on this, because I know Seth doesn't share our interest, and it could be something special, between you and me. But only if you want. If you think it's a bad idea, just forget it. Whatever. It's up to you.

You're doing well. 10 days and still going strong. You can do it, I know you can. That's what separates you from my mom. She's tried, but always ends up back on the bottle within a week. But you've got so many people supporting you, and you're stronger than she ever was, or will be. I think for you it's a vice, which grew out of control, whereas with my mom, it was a way of life. So, please keep at it. Prove that you're not another Dawn Atwood. Do it, for us, your family.

Sandy misses you so much. I woke him up this morning to give him some coffee, and he just looked lost, like it wasn't his bedroom, and his bed was too big for him. He's trying to put on a brave face for us, but he really misses you.

I can't really think of anything else to say, so I'll say goodbye for now.

Love you, Kirsten. If anyone can get through this, it's my mother.

Love always,

Ryan

xxxx

P.S. I think Julie's missing you more than she, and we, thought. She keeps trying to wander around in the house. She's thoroughly searched the house to remove any traces of alcohol (which I think she's keeping for herself). I'm scared she might threaten the sanctity of the pool house. Seth's already tried to sleep here. He claimed he was sleep walking, but I'm not so sure.

Wow, I'm impressed by the speediness of my writing! That's what comes from so many free lessons after exams! Now that the main three are done, I'm thinking of doing letters from Julie, Jimmy, Hailey, maybe Summer and Taryn. If anyone has any ideas of anyone else they'd like me to include, review and tell me. I'm always interested in seeing things from a new perspective.