Making it Through

Kagura Kyo Shinra

Warning: This has boy on boy love in it, so don't read it if you don't like that kind of stuff.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Detention, Potter, for the whole week of Christmas break," Snape said silkily.

Harry looked at the wand in his hand and the mess of broken glasses and bottles that was once Snape's classroom and knew there was nothing more to say. His temper had decided that he would have to spend Christmas without Ron and Hermione. But on the bright side, his random act of violence had successfully taken his mind off of Sirius Black.

"Hermione and I will stay too," Ron said after they had left the classroom.

"I can't believe you did that, Harry," Hermione said and shook her head in disbelief.

"Whatever," Harry spat. "Snape deserved it for what he said about--about Sirius. And in front of the whole class."

Hermione and Ron looked at each other but didn't know what to say. If Harry had been tearful and depressed about Sirius' death, they might have been able to deal with that, but Harry was just completely unpredictable. He flew off in a rage every time somebody mentioned Sirius' name; half the time he was busy pretending he had never even met him.

"Well, we'll get detention too if we have to," Ron continued.

"Forget it," Harry said. "You guys have no reason to stay here with Snape. Just go and enjoy yourselves." He said it all with an air of daring, daring them to keep pressing the matter.

"Maybe it will be for the better if we spend some time apart," Hermione said carefully. "Maybe you need some time alone, Harry."

"Then leave me alone!" he hissed, quickening his pace to get away from them; they didn't try to follow.

The next morning, Harry didn't even try say goodbye to them. He knew that he had been unfair to them since school started and didn't want to make things even worse. He had never really lost anybody that he had cared for so much. Of course he had lost his parents, but he never really knew them. Sirius had entered his life like a wonderful, shinning light that would save him from the dark and gloomy world of the Dursley's, but like a passing dream, he had been taken away too soon, and thinking about Sirius just made Harry's stomach lurch and spin.

Harry dragged himself out of Gryffindor tower and headed to Snape's classroom to find out what his detention would be for the day. When he entered, he immediately knew what the punishment would be. The mess of glass and spilled potions still covered the room.

"Clean this up, Potter, without magic," Snape said with a sneer.

Harry knew there was no point in arguing, and although he did have a few things he wanted to say to Snape, they probably would have just gotten him more detention. He started cleaning, but unfortunately Snape had decided to stay in the room to grade papers.

After a half-hour, Harry was beginning to hate himself for doing such a thorough job of breaking every last bottle and vile in the room, but on the other hand, Sirius had been void from his mind for a few glorious moments.

"Ouch!" Harry yelped and grabbed his hand.

He inspected his palm. There was a large, deep cut across it, dripping quite a bit of blood. Just as he was dreading the idea of saying something about it, Snape was beside him. He took Harry's hand in such a gentle way that Harry thought Snape must had forgotten who he was. Without saying a word, Snape used a simple spell to heal the wound and went back to his desk.

"Thank you," Harry mumbled and began picking up more glass, this time carefully.

Another hour passed, and Harry suddenly felt as though somebody was watching him. He stood up and turned around. Snape was staring right at him with an odd expression on his face, which Harry couldn't decipher, but before he had too much time to think about it, Snape returned his gaze to the papers.

There was something different about Snape this year that Harry had only begun to realize. Maybe he felt a little responsible for Sirius' death, or maybe he just felt sorry for Harry, but whatever it was, it made him look softer. The first time Harry had ever seen Snape, he did think he was attractive, until he started talking, but somehow that attraction had grown, perhaps even gotten more delicate. Whatever it was, Harry couldn't just keep staring at him, trying to figure it out, so he got back to cleaning.

Three hours after he had started, Harry reached out for another broken piece of glass, but it diapered before his eyes, along with the other glass and spilled potions. He turned around to find that Snape had cleared it away with his wand.

"I think three hours is long enough," he said flatly.

Once again, Harry found himself staring. Letting him leave detention without finishing his work was definitely not like Snape.

"I'm not done," Harry said stupidly.

"Were you having that much fun? Did you want to finish?" Snape asked icily.

"No, but you hate my very existence, so I thought you'd make me clean up everything, even if it took me all night," he said a little roughly.

"I guess you were wrong. Since tomorrow is Christmas, I won't make you do your detention, but I want you in my office the next day," Snape said and sat back at his desk to finish grading papers.

Harry decided it would be a bad idea to continue with the conversation and left before he said anything to enrage Snape.

That night, he had a dream about Sirius. All he could really remember was Sirius' smiling face, and then it was gone. Just whenever Harry found it again, it vanished just as quickly. He tried to listen for him, but somebody, who sounded oddly like Harry, kept screaming at him and calling him names. He started to cry, but the names grew more vicious, and soon he was enraged.

When Harry woke up, he was covered in a cold sweat, but the small pile of presents at the foot of his bed temporarily took his mind away from his godfather.

Harry looked around the Great Hall hesitantly; the idea of going without dinner wasn't looking too bad. He had already gone the whole day without leaving the Gryffindor tower, but the growling in his stomach was getting worse. Plus, he was just tired of being alone.

The normal house tables had been pushed aside, and only a singular table stood in the room. The only other time Harry remembered a Christmas dinner like this at Hogwarts was in his third year. His third year…when he first met Sirius. An impulse to run returned, but he pushed ahead.

Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick, Hagrid, as well as two students that Harry didn't recognize, sat at the table. He approached slowly, still considering running back to Gryffindor tower, but the idea of a close, quiet Christmas dinner was nice. Unfortunately the only empty chair was at one of the table's ends, right beside Snape.

"Have a seat, Harry," Dumbledore said brightly, and Harry couldn't refuse.

He sat down carefully and tried to get as far away from Snape as he could, but their end of the table was narrow, and they were forced to sit rather close.

"Well, let's eat shall we?" Dumbledore said, and all kinds of scrumptious looking food magically appeared before them.

Harry discovered that he was suddenly not very hungry, but everyone kept pilling more food onto his plate, urging him to eat. Couldn't people just leave him alone? True, he had been a bit overactive and troublesome, but when they fussed over him like that, it just gave him a hollow ache inside that he thought would never stop.

"I'm not very hungry," he mumbled and tried to get up, but something had caught his shirt.

He looked down, and to his horror, saw that Snape's thin hand had grabbed onto him with a grasp like a vice.

"Sit down, Potter, and eat something," he snarled, placing an extra piece of turkey on Harry's plate.

At first, Harry just stared at Snape, and then at the meal, but he eventually gave in. Something about Snape's subtle attempt to care about him, made him feel happy.

Harry nibbled away at his meal, listening casually to the various conversations. The two female students were apparently both Hufflepuffs, and were going on about some cute guy in their house. Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall were talking about a famous, old wizard, and Flitwick and Hagrid were discussing chimaeras. Harry was about to join in on the latter discussion, when he realized something was touching him, rather suggestively.

He glanced at his lap and immediately snapped his head up with a look of pure mortification. Snape's hand had never left from when it grabbed him, and Harry had only now noticed that it was resting in a place he usually tried to keep out of other people's reach, especially somebody like Snape. Harry's flustered face must have been quite obvious because Dumbledore gave him a curious look.

"Harry, are you okay?" He leaned forward. "If there's anything you'd like to talk with me about, my door is always open."

"I--" He looked at Snape, but he was quietly eating his meal as though it was somebody else's hand fondling Harry. "I'm fine," Harry said hurriedly. "I just remembered that I have homework I forgot about."

"You don't have to worry about that right now, Potter," McGonagall said simply. "It's Christmas, enjoy yourself."

Harry's stomach churned, and he realized he was enjoying himself, quite a bit. He tried to forget it, tried to think about his food, but when Snape's hand began to rub him very gently, he found that it was impossible to think of anything else. Sitting there, just staring at his food probably looked very awkward, but he couldn't help it. All he could focus on was Snape's hand as it gently masturbated him through his pants.

"So, Harry, what did Ron and little Hermione send you for Christmas?" Hagrid asked merrily.

"Th--they--" Harry trailed off into a mumble.

"What did you say, Harry. I didn't hear ya."

"They--they got me a book and some candy!" Harry had to yell just to get the words out.

"Well, you didn't need to shout, Mr. Potter. We're all very close," McGonagall said sternly.

"Did your aunt and uncle send you anything?" Dumbledore asked.

"A toothpick, you know, the usual." His sentence ended in an undignified hitch.

"Potter, are you sure you're quite alright?"

"Yeah, yeh look a bit flustered, Harry."

"Perhaps, it's just the excitement of Christmas day," Snape said, emphasizing the word "excitement."

Even if Harry had wanted to think about Sirius, he couldn't. All he could think about were the seven sets of eyes on him and the people asking if he was okay while his Potions Professor molested him. Everything was getting blurry; the only thing that made sense was Snape's hand as it slipped through the top of Harry's pants and--

"Oh God!" Harry screamed and stood up, mentally thanking the table for being high enough to go past his waist.

Everybody in the room was still looking at him, and he was suddenly aware that he had broken into a light sweat sometime during his adventure.

"I've really got to--" Harry didn't even bother to finish his sentence. He merely turned around and ran out of the hall as quickly and as carefully as he could.

Harry had thought that Christmas time would be hard for him, but since his encounter with Snape, he had practically forgotten about Sirius. Fluttering around his room with nervous butterflies in his stomach made Harry feel stupid, but at least his mind was busy, and although he wanted nothing more than to hide away forever, he knew he had to return to Snape's office. He entered as quietly as he could, hopping that Snape would not even notice him. He didn't know what to say after what happened at Christmas dinner and hoped that Snape would have just forgotten about it.

"Clean up this office, Potter," Snape said without looking up from his desk. "Start with the back wall."

Harry hated cleaning, but he began without a fuss. As long as Snape didn't mention yesterday, Harry would happily lick the floor clean.

"Oh gross!" Harry yelled as he stuck his hand in a rather sticky and gooey substance.

"I think one of the bottles has a crack in it, you might want to watch out for that."

Harry groaned but continued his cleaning in a perfect silence, and deep down he was a little happy that he had gotten detention. If he would have spent Christmas with the Weasley's, they would have doted over him about Sirius, and Harry would have thought about nobody but Sirius. At least being stuck with Snape, as uncomfortable as it had become, had taken much of his mind off of Sirius, which was proving to be hard to do.

"You left so suddenly from dinner yesterday, Potter. Was something wrong?" Snape asked casually, and Harry's stomach suddenly felt like the oozing substance he was scrubbing off the floor.

"Eh?" Harry squeaked and turned his head around.

Snape was standing up behind him with a strange smirk on his face.

"Didn't quite hear you, Potter," Snape said and his smirk grew.

Harry turned fully around but didn't get up. He sat on his knees and looked up at Snape with a quickly reddening face. "I just wasn't hungry," he said quietly.

"Oh," Snape said. "I was afraid it might have been because I was squeezing your penis."

"My penis?" Harry's voice cracked.

Snape closed his eyes and took a deep, slow breath as though he was thinking very hard about something, but Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know. On the other hand, he wasn't sure that he didn't want to know.

Snape took a step towards him, but Harry leaped to his feet and ran to the other side of the office. "No, no, no," he said and laughed nervously. "I'm not that stupid. I know how much you hate me. What is this? Something the Slytherins came up with? I bet it was Malfoy, wasn't it? Well, I'm going to Dumbledore, that's right. He'll know what to do."

"He already knows," Snape said in a smooth voice that made Harry's legs turn to jelly. "You've been so naughty since Black's death, so Dumbledore wanted somebody to take care of you."

"And you volunteered?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"No, I did not. Dumbledore chose me because of particular feelings you have for me--"

"Hate?" Harry bellowed.

"Dumbledore seems to think that you're attracted to me, and you know how Dumbledore is usually right."

Harry began to breathe very quickly, and he was sure he was going to hyperventilate.

"I think I would know if I had an attraction to you, wouldn't I, Professor?"

"Don't expect me to know how your mind works, Potter. I'm just following orders," Snape said, tired. "Clearly Dumbledore was wrong, so why don't you get back to your cleaning, and I'll get back to correcting homework."

"What is this?" Harry asked, outraged and pointing an accusing finger at Snape. "Some kind of--of place where prostitutes are and--and people come to sleep with them and stuff?"

"A brothel?" Snape asked simply, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index finger.

"Yes!" Harry said. "A brothel! And what am I, your whore?"

He wasn't exactly sure what he was saying, all he knew is that somebody found out that he thought Snape was attractive and had told him. But what really got to him was that Snape only came onto him because Dumbledore had asked him to.

"If this was a brothel, Potter, wouldn't I be your whore? Dumbledore is sending me to make you feel better about Black's death."

"Don't change the subject!" Harry said awkwardly. "Don't talk about Sirius!"

Snape just stared at Harry. "Okay…" he said slowly. "Detention is over."

"You didn't know him like I knew him! You just--you just hated him because he pulled some pranks on you in the past, but--but he was just a kid, and he shouldn't have done it, but he--he was all I had!"

Harry had no idea why he was saying this stuff to Snape, but it felt right, it felt good to be open with somebody about it.

"Nobody ever gave me a second thought!" Harry continued. "If I would have died, nobody would have cared--they probably would have been happy! But he--he barely knew me, and he--he loved me!" Harry screamed. He inhaled sharply, and felt his eyes burning with unshed tears. "When the only people who cared about me were people who knew I brought down Voldemort, when the only family I had treated me like garbage, he loved me." His words faded into a whisper and the tears began to fall.

And then there were strong, real arms around him, holding him, caring about him.

"Oh my!" Harry gasped in surprise.

"Be quite, Harry," Snape said softly, making Harry think his ears had gone sour. "There are so many people who care about you. You have Dumbledore, your friends, Lupin, the Weasley's are crazy about you, and there are so many others."

"Um--" Harry said awkwardly. "Let me go?" he asked, not meaning for it to sound like a question; Snape let him go.

"I may have lied a little," Snape said slowly and thoughtfully. "Dumbledore asked me to help you because he knew how I really felt about you, not just because he knew how you felt about me."

"But you hate me," Harry said.

"It's just very hard for me," Snape said with quite a bit of difficulty. "I spent my life trying to forget I had emotions, and then you came waltzing in with your little body that just made me want to melt into you."

Harry was finding himself very uncomfortable. It wasn't so much that Snape was coming onto him that made him feel odd, but the fact that Harry didn't fell like the world was crashing around him any more.

"It's--It's a bit awkward," Harry said.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," Snape said.

"It's not that. It's just that I know everybody's been trying to get me to accept and just plain admit Sirius' death, and it ended up being you that's really making it happen. I feel like I can think about him without wanting to die. I feel like one day, I'll be able to get over it."

"Is that true?" Snape asked quietly, hopefully "I just wanted you to be able to smile again."

Harry felt a warmth building around his heart and it spread to every inch of his body. Without a word he ran back up to Snape and threw his arms around him.

"It'll be so wonderful," Harry said brightly. "I'll finally have somebody who can really listen to me and who really cares about me. I miss him so much, but I know you'll be there for me."

"Yes--er--you can--count on me," Snape said, strained.

Harry grinned and went to the door.

"What are you doing, Potter?" Snape asked, trying to sound like his old self again, but it just ended up sounding playful. "You're not done with your detention."

"As I recall, you said I could go, but--" He locked the door. "But I'm not going anywhere."

Snape advanced on him with a playful smirk that made Harry remember what it was really like to be cared about.

"Ron and Hermione are going to be really happy at how much I've changed so quickly and because of you," Harry said. "I can just hear them now 'Oh Harry, what's gotten into you?'" he said in a mock Hermione voice.

Snape grabbed him around the waist and pulled their bodies together. "Nothing's gotten into you, yet," he whispered in Harry's ear; Harry's face turned bright red.

Harry pain about loosing someone who had meant more to him than anybody else wouldn't end soon, but he there was a burst of life surging through his body because one day he would be able to think about Sirius without a bitter ache inside. One day everything would be good in Harry's life, but for now, being with somebody who simply cared about him, was enough to get him through.

Owari

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Remus Lupin ga sukidesu yo!