That face.
By samthegreat
Disclaimer: Slight yaoi, longing, and general heart ache and angst.
It's not that I hate him per say…it's just that when I see that face I want to…I want to!
I'm not even sure anymore what I want to do. I have played the part of the mortal enemy for so long that I kind of wonder if I am not really acting; I wonder if my feelings aren't what I had originally feared all those years ago.
But then, he does something like stand in the rain for ten hours or blocks a blade meant for me and then a flutter in my stomach confuses me all over again.
I felt that same flicker when we first met as children. Terrified by that unknown feeling and his unblinking stare, I let my animalistic instincts take over and the proverbial question flew to my mind…fight or flee? They divided us and I was grateful that face would not be a constant reminder of that first horrible tremor.
But Fate, in all its sadistic glory, has decided to throw us together so often in hopes to torment me, I'm sure. And my feelings are as confused as ever, maybe more so with the inclusion of Himawari-chan and Yuuko-san…not to mention the bizarre things we endure daily. Do I love Himawari-chan? If so, why does my negative passion for him outweigh my positive enthusiasm for her? Is that passion for him honestly negative? He spends so much time preoccupying my mind and at times when my guard is at its lowest we almost have a decent time together. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I do seek out his attention.
Like when we investigated the Angel-san for Himawari-chan and Yuuko-san made me wear those ridiculous head phones! He just turned away when he saw me in all my humiliated glory and me (being the masochist that I am) prompted him to tell me how strange I looked in the horrible little device.
Or the time the sister invited me out as a thank-you and he just had to come along. Not that I wanted anything to happen between me and one of the girls, but having him there…well, I felt like it attested to his female desirability and to my lack there of. If he hadn't of come, he wouldn't have witnessed that and perhaps a little leak of jealousy would spring through that thick head of his…not that I necessarily want that.
Sometimes he does say things that make me wonder if he feels something different for me. Like when he says he doesn't want me to get hurt. Even if he adds a harsh zinger to it, that part of my stomach that creates those flutters always remembers semi-kind words and half-endearments.
I think Yuuko-san might know my feelings, even though I'm sort of baffled. She smiles like she knows. And maybe that's why she always pairs us up on errands. Maybe that's Yuuko-san's way of secretly cheering me on, as if to silently say, "Go for it Watanuki! You think too much, so I'll set it up for you! " And if I could "go for it", then I would…not that I really want to.
So I guess I will remain tormented, hating him on the outside and hating him on the inside but not sure I want to do either. Whatever he's feeling, that face won't show, but maybe…just maybe…he's as confused as I am.
I can feel someone looking at me from behind so I snap my cloth bound journal shut and look over my shoulder in genuine curiosity. It's him.
"Did you pack the rice balls I asked for?" he asks blankly. I swoop my arm out in an overly dramatic way and glare my best and answer, "I don't take requests! This is the last time I will! I think I've more than paid off my debt to you." He covers his ears as he takes a seat next to me. His eyes roam over the journal next to me and I protectively place a hand over it.
"What's that?" he asks nonchalantly. "Nothing you have to worry about." He drops the topic but as we eat I can see him eye the book every once in a while. "It's my journal, okay!" I howl. He looks up from the bento box and calmly asks to read it. "Why?" I choke out, feeling guilty and as if I was about to be uncovered as the twisted person I really am.
"I'd like to see what you write about. It would be…" He chooses his word slowly, "interesting." "Yeah, so you could mock my inner most thoughts," I mumble harshly. His eyes flash for a second and he turns away. "Mostly."
And that stupid spot in my stomach turns and I can't help but say his name softly, "Doumeki…" He turns towards me and I feel as if my heart is going to come pouring out of my mouth.
"Watanuki-kun, Doumeki-kun! Sorry I'm late!" Himawari-chan has great timing. If she hadn't show up right then, I would have done something I might have regretted...or maybe I wouldn't have. I spring into character and grab the bento box as I gracefully dance over to Himawari-chan, squealing that she isn't late at all.
As Himawari-chan begins to chatter about unimportant things and I listen partly amazed, partly bored, I notice Doumeki noticing me. I spare a small nod towards him as apology for my previous snippy remark. That face of his looks back at mine and I hope at that moment he'll attribute the blush on my cheeks to Himawari-chan.
Because I know it's really from him.
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