This chapter contains description of sexual assault, please proceed with caution

Chapter Eighteen

Cas was quiet all through dinner, but he did his best to show he was grateful, and even smiled when a birthday cake was brought out for him. Dean took a picture of Cas blowing out the candles. Cas's mood improved by the time they arrived home.

'Do you want us to take it down?' Mary asked, watching him stare at the decorations again.

'No,' he said. 'It was nice of you. Not many foster parents bother to celebrate birthdays. We're not often around for very long so there's no point.'

Mary nodded sympathetically.

'I knew a girl once who thought real birthday parties were only in movies,' he continued. 'We never told her otherwise. I think she knew, but it was easier to believe…' Cas shook his head. 'Sorry.'

'It's okay,' said Mary. 'Here, look, some mail came for you today.' She handed him a few envelopes, and the package from Charlie.

Dean settled on the couch with John and Mary to watch TV. Once Cas had put away his mail, he sat cross-legged on the floor with Sam, who was teaching him to play some sort of card game. He seemed to be enjoying himself, but later that night, in the dark when he thought everyone was asleep, Dean heard him sniffling on his side of the room. Dean considered getting up to comfort him, but then he heard a dial sound, then a voicemail.

'I miss you,' Cas whispered into the phone. 'Please call me.' He hung up, then Dean heard him get up and start pacing.

Dean too got up and stepped over to the curtain.

'Hey, are you okay?' Dean asked softly.

Cas hesitated. 'No,' he admitted. 'I'm scared.'

'What are you scared of?'

'I'm scared that - that something happened to my brother and I'll never know. My sister… she disappeared after she was adopted and I never saw her again. What if Gabriel left me too?'

Dean nodded. 'I understand. It is a scary thought.'

Cas pulled aside the curtain and looked at Dean with big watery eyes. 'I - um -'

Dean's heart ached and he couldn't stop himself from pulling Cas into a tight hug. 'It'll be okay,' he murmured, rubbing Cas's back.

Cas nestled into Dean's shoulder, clutching him as though afraid he'd disappear if he let go.

'Dean?' Cas said, his voice unsure and slightly muffled. 'I - I don't want to be alone. Will - will you stay with me? Just - just for tonight?'

Dean's stomach lurched. 'Yeah, of course I will.' He let go of Cas but stroked his arm softly. 'Come on.' He led Cas back to his own bed and sat him down. 'Deep breaths,' he prompted. 'I've got you.'

Cas nodded, and when he seemed to relax a little, Dean guided him under the covers. 'That's it, close your eyes,' he murmured. 'I'm right here.'

Dean slid underneath the covers as well, lying next to Cas and doing his best to control the butterflies in his stomach, though it became more difficult when Cas reached out and laced their fingers together.

'I've got you,' Dean whispered again, running his thumb over the back of Cas's hand until they both fell asleep.

When Dean woke, he'd let go of Cas in his sleep, but placed his hand protectively on Cas's chest instead. Dean looked groggily at his still sleeping form. His lips slightly open, breathing steadily. He looked so relaxed, no trace of his usual anxiety or sadness yet lined his face. Dean smiled and stroked Cas's cheek with a finger. His skin was soft but for the patches of fine stubble growing along his jaw.

Cas's eyes fluttered open at Dean's touch, absurdly blue in the sunlight from his window.

'Morning,' Dean mumbled, taking his hand away. 'Feeling any better?'

Cas stared at him, rubbing the spot on his chest where Dean's hand had been. 'Yes, I think so,' he said slowly, slightly confused. 'Thank you.'

'Don't mention it,' Dean said, sitting up and stretching. 'Better get dressed. School soon.'

'Right.'

Dean climbed out of the bed and drew the curtain behind him. His heart pounded painfully, the smell of Cas's hair still in his nostrils, longing to be holding him again.

At school, Dean found himself gazing at Cas so much that even Rhonda faded from his thoughts, despite her newly dyed red hair blazing as she sat in the corner of the room, mercifully uninterested in either Dean or Cas that day.

'So…' Crowley said, leaning forward to run a finger over Cas's desk. 'Eighteen now, eh?'

Jo rolled her eyes. 'Will you leave him alone?'

'What?' Crowley said innocently. 'A man has needs, especially when there's another extremely attractive man in the room.'

Cas flushed bright pink and Dean scowled, struggling to contain a wave of jealousy that suddenly ripped through him.

'It's your birthday?' Kevin said sleepily.

'Yesterday,' said Crowley, looking over his shoulder. 'Keep up.' He turned back to Cas whose face was still burning. 'I'm ready when you are, angel,' he winked. 'Let me know if you decide you want a hand.'

Jo tutted and Cas stammered incoherently.

'Okay, that's enough, Crowley,' Dean said irritably.

'Why? Want him all for yourself, do you?' Crowley sniggered.

'Come on,' Dean said, rolling his eyes, but also blushing.

Crowley gave him a suspicious look, but leaned back in his seat. 'Whatever you say.'

Jo pulled out her phone, then smiled at Cas. 'You know, we haven't added you to the group chat yet.' She pressed a few buttons and all of their phones went off.

Jo H added Castiel Novak

Cas gave her a small smile, and their phones went off again.

Crowley 😈🍆 set the nickname for Castiel Novak to Angel 🍑

Jo H

Seriously?

Kevin Tran

I swear Crowley if you can't keep your flirting to yourself im leaving

Jo H set the nickname for Castiel Novak to Cas Novak

Crowley 😈🍆 set the nickname for Castiel Novak to Cas Novak 🍆💦

Jo H

Ew

Kevin Tran set the nickname for Fergus MacLeod to Crowley Sucks

Crowley Sucks

Very good. You got me

Crowley Sucks set his nickname to Crowley Sucks 🍆

Cas Novak 🍆💦 set his nickname to Cas

The bell rang, preventing Crowley from messing around anymore, and they all went off to their classes.

Cas was still pensive that night, however, and sat distractedly on his bed while Dean spun idly in his desk chair avoiding his homework.

'What's up?' Dean asked, leaning all the way back in his sea, staring up at the ceiling.

Cas took a deep breath. 'Should I have sex with Crowley?'

Dean sat up so sharply he nearly fell out of his chair. 'What?' he exclaimed, his voice rising so high it cracked.

'I just thought… since he seems so willing…'

Dean stared at him. 'Do you… want to have sex with Crowley?'

Cas shrugged. 'I think I just want to get it over with and he has… experience. Seems like the logical choice to me.'

Dean grimaced and moved to sit on his bed. 'I don't know, dude. You shouldn't do it just because. You should do it when you're ready and with someone special.'

'Do you think so?'

'For sure,' Dean smiled. 'Don't get me wrong, Crowley's great if what you're looking for is a good night after a party, or to pick someone up from a bar or something, but he's not it for your first time. He's not - not special enough.'

Cas stared at him curiously and nodded.

'You don't want to do it when you're not ready and be stuck in a position you don't want to be in. Trust me, I've been there.'

'Oh?'

Dean nodded, looking down at his hands. 'Yeah, I - um - my - my first time didn't go great.'

'With Rhonda.'

Dean flinched. 'Mm, yeah, her. We were - you know - and I realised I didn't want - didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted to stop but she - she - she didn't.'

Cas inhaled sharply.

'She wouldn't stop… I wasn't super buff like I am now, you know?' he said, with a weak, hollow laugh. 'I couldn't get her off, so I yelled at her to stop, but she wouldn't. She didn't like me yelling at her though, so she - she put a pillow over my face until she was - um - done. I couldn't breathe…' Dean looked up and saw Cas staring at him, aghast. 'God, I - I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting that to come out, I-'

'It's okay,' Cas interrupted, coming over to sit next to him. 'Really. Thank you for telling me that, Dean. Do you need anything? Water?'

Dean took a deep breath and realised he was shaking violently. 'Y-yeah, thanks.'

Cas brought Dean a glass and waited for him to swallow a mouthful. 'Does anyone else know?' he asked quietly.

'Just my therapist and my mom,' said Dean. 'I - uh - I guess I was sick for a while. Couldn't get out of bed sometimes, couldn't go to school even on a good day. Then I caught her after dinner one day, my mom. Just staring at me with the saddest look on her face, and I couldn't take it anymore. I just told her everything.' Dean shakily sipped his water, nausea threatening to overwhelm him. 'Um - anyway - not that Crowley would ever - I mean - just - just don't do anything you don't want to do. Okay?'

'Okay, Dean,' Cas said. 'I won't.'

Dean took a deep breath and aimed a smile at Cas. 'Good.'

'Do you need anything else?'

Dean shook his head. 'I'll be okay.'

Cas nodded and let out a deep sigh.

'What?' Dean asked, the anxiety at finally having told someone already ripping through him.

'I can't pretend to be friends with her now, Dean,' Cas told him. 'I'm not exactly a great actor, and it's only her narcissism preventing her from noticing that I barely tolerate her as it is.'

'That's okay,' Dean smiled. 'It was really nice of you to do that at all.'

'Will you be all right?'

'Actually yeah, I think I will be. It's nice to tell someone…' Dean cleared his throat. 'Cas, I - I -' He wanted to tell Cas more, let out the other secret he kept tightly locked in his heart.

'What?'

Dean stammered, unable to form the words. 'Um… I - you're good to talk to,' he muttered eventually, disappointed with himself. 'Thanks.'

'You're welcome,' Cas smiled, going back to his own bed. 'I've always been a good listener.'

Another day, Dean reasoned with himself. He gazed fondly at Cas, then pulled out his phone.

Dean set the nickname for Castiel Novak to Cas 😇

Cas smiled softly at his phone, then glanced up at Dean, who winked at him.

Cas 😇

I like it

Dean

It suits you

Jo H

Agreed

Crowley Sucks 🍆

Looks good angel ;)

Dean tucked his phone away.

'Listen, I'm not feeling great, I gotta go to sleep. Do you mind if I close this?' Dean said, pointing at the curtain.

'Go ahead,' Cas smiled. 'Goodnight, Dean.'

Dean curled up into a tight ball under his duvet as soon as he had his pajamas on, feeling drained; without the strength to stop that night with Rhonda playing over and over in his head. He fell into a fitful sleep, smelling her perfume and feeling the pressure on his chest. The memory twisted into a nightmare, full of flashes of green hair, moans and giggles, and suffocating darkness. Dean clawed at his face in his sleep, trying to push off the ghost of the pillow filling his mouth and nose. He yelled and thrashed, gulping emptily for air.

Someone grabbed and shook his ankle, and he shot awake.

'You were dreaming,' Cas said, sitting on the edge of the bed, hand still on Dean's ankle. 'You were yelling.'

Dean, still caught in the nightmare, couldn't force air into his lungs.

The bedroom door opened and Mary rushed over to him.

'Dean,' she said, cupping his face in her hands. 'It's okay, it was just a dream. Breathe for me, honey, you can do it.'

Dean grabbed her arms and took one big gasping breath. 'M-mom.'

'I'm here, I've got you. Just breathe.'

Dean managed another shuddering breath, then another, oxygen flooding his brain and making him dizzy. He snatched the trash can he kept by his bed and threw up in it. 'Sorry - sorry,' he mumbled, holding his head.

'It's okay, just breathe,' Mary repeated, stroking his hair.

The door opened again and Sam came in, rubbing his eyes blearily. 'Dean? Are you having nightmares again?'

'No - no, I'm - I'm okay, Sam,' Dean panted. 'Just - just go back to bed.'

'Okay.'

Dean's breathing finally slowed and he slumped over.

'I'll get you some water, just try and relax,' said Mary, patting his shoulder then leaving the room with the trash can in hand.

Then Dean realised that Cas was still gently rubbing his leg. 'Sorry I woke you,' Dean sniffed, wiping the sweat from his face.

Cas just shook his head.

'Been a while since you had one of those, huh?' Mary said, coming back in with a fresh glass of water.

Dean nodded. 'I - um - I told Cas what - what happened. I guess it brought it all back up.'

'Oh,' said Mary, shocked. 'You did?'

'He's a good listener,' Dean shrugged. 'I think I can go back to sleep now.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah. Thanks, Mom.'

Mary kissed him on the top of the head, then retreated from the room, closing the door behind her.

Cas didn't move from his spot at the end of the bed. 'Do you want me to stay?' he said softly.

'Nah, I'm okay. You go back to bed, you've got track tomorrow, right?' Dean said with a weak smile. 'I appreciate the offer though. Really.'

Cas nodded and got up. 'Let me know if you need anything.'

Dean snorted. 'That's my line.'

Cas chuckled and pulled the curtain closed once more, leaving Dean in darkness again.

Dean threw back a sleeping pill with a cookie from the pack he kept in his drawer, and finally got some sleep, mercifully empty of dreams.

See you next time :)