Kill Bvill v1
Some Random Guy led Tcwutla through the back of the snazzy Sushi establishment, to a back room, which was even nicer than the lobby of the sushi bar. It was Some Random Guy's personal office, and he reached to the ceiling and grabbed the randomly dangling string. Down dropped a hidden staircase, which led to...
Tcwutla climbed the staircase, followed by Some Random Guy. Tcwutla's head emerged into a strange room. It was a small run-down loft/attic place, clearly devoted to Some Random Guy's lost art- sex.
There were two flashing neon signs on the walls, depicting the silhouette of a stripper, with the words, 'Nude Bitches', and 'Cum Hores' on them. They were clearly special to Some Random Guy. There were also posters of many porn stars on the walls, all of which autographed fondly. Tcwutla wondered why he was there, when his gaze turned to the far wall, which was right in front of him, and which he hadn't noticed until stated last sentence.
He let out a small gasp, and ran to the wall. There were racks on the walls, each with a different instrument set on it.
"Dildos!" Tcwutla breathed, taking the sight of all the hand-crafted dildos in. It was the most amazing sight he had ever seen. There were fuzzy pink ones, polka-dotted yellow and blue ones, one with Elvis on it, one in the shape of Elvis...
Tcwutla ran closer to the rack, reaching to pick up a shiny Pikachu Dildo. He caught himself, and turned to seek permission of Some Random Guy.
"It is alright- go ahead." He smiled like a proud father to a favourite son. "Except, try...this one." Walking over to the rack beside Tcwutla, he lifted one of the dildos off the rack with the utmost of reverence...
"It is so amazing!" Tcwutla gasped as he held the dildo in his hands. It was a monster sized one, and it was the colour of skin.
"I call that one the Monster Cock Dildo...it is 15 inches long. Go ahead, give it a swing..."
Tcwutla waved the Monster Cock Dildo around in the air, smiling widely.
"It is funny how you like Dildos." Some Random Guy stated mischeviously, as he conveniently withdrew a random baseball from his pocket. "...I like Baseball."
He pitched the baseball at Tcwutla hard and fast.
"OW! BITCH!" The ball hit Tcwutla on the head, making him stumble and curse. "What the hell was that for? What, were you expecting me to cut the bastard in half? With what? This DILDO? It's a fucking dildo! It isn't even SHARP!"
"Oh, sorry- I don't know what came over me...It is good that I could show you these, but one as talented as you must know that I no longer make sex toys..." Some Random Guy said as he took the dildo back and placed it on the rack. Tcwutla gave him a dirty look behind his back and stuck out his tongue.
I should just kill him and steal all his dildos, but somehow, killing Some Random Guy seems like a stupid thing to do...
"I live a quiet life, as head of the Hanzo-Tacular Sushi Bar and Grille, where you can eat sushi and live great, which is rapidly becoming the McDonald's of Japan, but I am retired from the sex-toys business. I am proud of my life's work, but I no longer make dildos."
"Then why not just give me one of these?" Tcwutla imposed.
"They are not for sale." Some Random Guy replied.
"I didn't say sell- I said GIVE."
"Sorry, but this is my private collection. They have immense sentimental value to me, and cannot just be given away. Besides, why should I help you eliminate your vermin?"
"Because- considering the vermin, I think that you are obliged..."
"You mean..." Some Random Guy walked over to the attic window, which was covered in some anonymous white residue...He began to scrawl a name into the residue, finally pulling his finger away.
BVILL
Tcwutla nodded, and Some Random Guy gave a downcast look.
Some Random Guy walked over to the trapdoor and began to descend.
"I will fashion for you the finest dildo I have ever made. It will take a while, so you can sleep right there." He gestured to the table in the corner, which had chain bonds and leather straps on it. He finished descending and closed the trapdoor. Tcwutla climbed onto the sex-rack and closed his eyes to sleep-
The door flew open, and Some Random Guy popped up.
"All done!" He walked over to Tcwutla and poked him on the side of the head. Tcwutla sat up and crawled off the table, as Some Random Guy led him toward the curtain beside the racks of dildos.
He brushed it aside to reveal another attic, a sex shrine. There was sex-toys everywhere, and two plush cushions were placed facing each other on the floor. Chains and whips hung from the ceiling, and incence burned in the corners. There was a stereo softly playing moans and 'oh yes!'-es in the background. Some Random Guy sat upon one of the cushions, a sheath in his hands. Tcwutla walked to the facing cushion and sat down.
"I have in my hands the most powerful Dildo ever created. In fashioning it, I have broken an oath-"
"Wait, you made that? Just now? You were only gone for like 2 seconds!"
Some Random Guy gave Tcwutla a dirty look, and grumbled, "Yes, I am that good. I still got the phunk, after the years of retire- now, if we can get back to my script..."
"Sorry..."
"I have broken an oath I swore to God. I give it to you because I was screwed over by Bvill, and I want to see the little nerd pay. This dildo was created for the purpose of killing people, and in that way it was successful...maybe even too successful...(I accidently cut off my best sushi chef's head when I was bringing it back to the attic...)"
Tcwutla looked at the dildo sheath.
Wow, that's hot. But, why does a dildo have a sword's sheath? Oh well. It gleams jet black, with yellow trim...it is very impressive...
"I can tell you with no ego that this is the greatest dildo ever made. It is probably even the most powerful sex-toy ever created. No weapon or sex-toy will ever match its power..."
Wow- all that power and it was made in like 2 seconds...
Some Random Guy suddenly unsheathed the dildo, which shone like the rising sun. It was thin, sharp, and shining like polished silver. It had a black handle (which was the testice part of the dildo). He held the meter-long dildo still, and it seemed as if the molecules in the air were getting their asses cut in half...
"Should you encounter God, then God will be cut...Now, we get to learn the rules of the sex toy!"
"What the shit? Just give me the damn dildo!"
"No- rules, or no dildo."
"Fine, just hurry up."
"Now, repeat after me:" Some Random Guy began.
RULE ONE: The dildo may look like a penis, but it isnt- it is very sharp
"Rule One, blah blah sharp dick blah."
RULE TWO: The dildo had feelings too, and should be respected
"Rule Two: blah blah, respect the inanimate cock, blah."
RULE THREE: No taking the dildo anally or orally or vaginally- or it will cut you in half
"Blah blah, dont screw the dildo, who's purpose is to be screwed."
RULE FOUR: The didlo's name is Sharpie Doom Cock
"What the hell? That's stupid- I'm calling it Super-Dildo of Impending Doom!"
"WONDERFULL! Now we move on to Warrior's Philosophy 101! REPEAT AFTER ME!"
WHEN engaged in combat, kill the enemy ruthlessly and vanquish all foes
"God in Hell, just gimme the dildo! GIMMMMEEEE!"
Suppress all emotion and human compassion...
"I'm not listening-la la la lalalalalalala-"
"GOD DAMN WOMAN! Haven't you watched Kill Bill or read Kill Phil or seen any classic Kung Fu revenge flicks? I need to dish this philosophy crap. Just listen- I want to get over this a much as you do, believe me."
"No, just give me the dil-"
THWAP
...oO...No one's ever thwaped me on the head with their penis before...
"Allright, all done. Now you may unleash the power of the Supper Happy Godlike Fun-Dildo of Happiness! (I changed the name)."
Tcwutla eagerly snatched the dildo from Some Random Guy, accidently severing his arm. He waved it (the dildo, not the severed arm) around the air for a little bit, till he got bored. You could hear the orgasming virgins as the sword-like dildo cut the air. That was how powerful the dildo was.
The dildo began to hover above Tcutla's extended arms, rotating slowly.
DUM DUM DUM DUM DUUUUUMMMM!
You have received the Supper Happy Godlike Fun-Dildo of Happiness, (though you want to call it the Hyper Mega Kickass Swordildo of Sharp Death!)
It has been said that the Dildo can cut through the gods, but you should be able to kill the rest of your targets with ease!
TCWUTLA GOT THE DILDO OF MANY NAMES!
He feels happy and slightly odd at holding a meter long shapr penis replica, but that's okay!
STATS
DILDO OF MANY NAMES
69 Attack
69 Defence
Deals Double damage to random people
Deals Triple damage to virgins
Super-Effective against Bosses
Has a 0.000001 chance of unleashing Super Penetration on enemies