Liz shut the door behind Ressler, beyond relieved that dinner had gone as well as it had. She hadn't been expecting a lot of pushback considering how Ressler had taken the revelation of the true nature of her relationship and conflict with Red in stride, but she had expected some. To be on the other side of the conversation without any, well…
It was so very rare for something in her life to be easier than she thought it would be, she could hardly believe it.
She let out a sigh and sank into the cushions on the loveseat next to Red, leaning back so her head nearly rested on his shoulder. Glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, she said, "Do you feel lighter, too, or is it just me?"
"Oh, I absolutely feel lighter," he said, but then he patted his stomach. "Well. Not everywhere."
"And whose fault is that? You made enough food to feed the entire task force."
Red shifted so he could look at Liz properly, staring into her eyes long enough that it seemed he had gotten a bit lost in them. "Thank you," he said, eventually.
"What for?"
"For trusting my judgement about the importance of The Fulcrum."
"Thank you for trusting my judgment about The Blacklisters."
He shrugged. "Fate may have been the reason our paths crossed the first time, but fate had little to do with why they crossed again. I didn't turn myself in because I dreamed of working with the FBI to bring down Blacklisters—I turned myself in because I dreamed of working with you. After everything, I still believe we make a great team."
"I guess we're about to put that to the ultimate test, aren't we?"
She laid her hand on top of his and leaned in so she could take his mouth in a kiss. Red gladly met her explorations, ever eager to follow wherever she led. When she broke the kiss to make her way down his throat with ample use of her teeth, he hummed his approval and arched his neck to give her more room.
"I didn't realize Donald was such a nosy Nancy," he said, his voice rumbling against her lips.
"You mean that comment about starting a family?"
"Yes."
Liz pulled back to study his face. "That made you uncomfortable, didn't it?" Red's cheek twitched, but he said nothing. "You don't have to pretend with me, Red."
Red's silence stretched a few more interminable seconds before he said, "Yes, Lizzy. It made me uncomfortable."
Liz's breath caught in her chest.
"Why? I know it's way too soon, and we haven't talked about it at all," she said, "but unless I've read all your signals wrong, we actually do want the same thing where family is concerned."
"You haven't read me wrong, Lizzy," he said, his voice almost sad.
"Then I don't see what the problem is."
"Do you really not see it, or are you choosing to be willfully blind?"
Liz flinched at the sudden shift in his tone. He sounded angry, frustrated—not necessarily with her, but that didn't mean it didn't sting all the same. "What are you talking about?"
"There's nothing—nothing—I've wanted more than a second chance at a normal life. Since I was a boy, I wanted to have the type of family my friends had, or I read about in books. I knew I would never achieve it until I grew up and set off on my own, so it became a dream, a fantasy of mine that kept me going through the rough days of my adolescence.
"I wanted to build a safe and stable home for my eventual family. I wanted to be the husband and father my own father never was." He took a deep, shaky breath. "I failed my wife and child when I could not provide them that."
"But they were stolen from you. That wasn't your choice."
"No, but it was my choices, my actions that led them to their ruin," he said. "The last thing I want is to repeat history with you. In fact, I… I can't think of anything more devastating than the possibility of causing you and our… hypothetical child harm because of who I am. It's been the subject of far too many nightmares since the night you kissed me on this couch."
"You never told me this was something you were afraid of."
"I didn't dare say anything. If I did, I would've had to explain what it was that I wanted," he said. "I was too afraid that you'd say you wouldn't want a family with me to even broach the subject. If you had, if I knew right from the start that it would be the reason we would be… temporary, well… Even though I didn't want you to give up your dreams to be with me, I'm afraid I wasn't ready to give you up."
"Red, I… I want you to know—I didn't start this relationship with the intention for it to be a… a short-term thing. That's why I was so devastated after what happened with Braxton. I thought… Well, I didn't shut you out like that because I thought I lost something temporary. I shut you out because I was in it for the long haul and I thought I had just discovered that you weren't."
Red's eyebrows drew together, and the pain in his eyes sent a pang through her body.
"I know better now," she reassured.
Red shook his head. "I don't do myself or anybody else any favors keeping everything close to the vest. I should've… had the courage to be more up front with my feelings. Being rejected is hardly as bad as causing you pain, unintentional as it may have been."
"I think we're both gonna have to work on being more open with each other."
"Yeah."
Liz found Red's hand again and she pulled it from his lap into her own. She'd always liked his hands—strong and sure and capable. She had seen him use them in so many ways since she met him—building things and tearing them down, taking life and giving pleasure, even the simple act of offering comfort…
Red had done exactly that on a night just like this one, had taken Liz's hand while they sat watching the fire burn down in the fireplace, giving her an anchor in the storm that was her life while a storm raged outside as well. It had been easier than she thought it would be to lean over and kiss him that night, another moment so rare she could hardly believe it. So much so that she didn't.
But here they were on the other side of all that, sitting in the exact same place where she kissed him for the first time. She had changed the course of her life sitting there once already—was she ready to do it again?
"It's still a little hard to wrap my mind around, I think," she said.
"What is?"
"That somehow the two of us, despite all the things that separate us, still have this… fundamental desire in common."
Red nodded, wistful. "A simple life. A family. A little happiness. Maybe even some peace and quiet."
"I think it's a great goal. It's not even asking very much," she said. "What would it be like, do you think? I mean… after everything you've seen and done, you really think you're ready to go back to PTA meetings and play dates?"
"God, Lizzy, it would be heaven on earth to go to a PTA meeting again," he said, but then he shivered a bit against her. "Though I can't say that anyone I've ever dealt with in the criminal world is more intimidating than the head of the PTA at my daughter's school."
Liz snorted a laugh. "My god, what I wouldn't give to see you go to toe-to-toe with some busybody Karen over bake sale prices or something."
"Who the hell is Karen?"
Liz leaned in a planted a kiss squarely on Red's confused frown. "Don't worry about it," she said "The point is we've gotta do this. We've gotta win. Even if it seems impossible."
"We will. We must," he agreed. "It's different this time, anyway. We have an endgame now. That's something I've never had before. Keeping you safe has been my longest, most overarching objective since all this started, and that doesn't have an end date attached, other than—presumably—the end of my life."
"Red—"
"Everything else has been about building my network to put myself in the strongest position to achieve that objective and… treading water. This isn't the first time you've given me purpose, Lizzy."
"Well, this time is different for another reason, too—this time, you're giving me purpose. We're gonna be a great team—a real one." She raised her hand to his cheek, and he leaned into it like a cat seeking affection, his eyes sliding shut. "We're gonna do it. We're gonna take them all down, we're gonna win, and then we're gonna grab onto our family and never let go."