On Her Vorlagian Majesty's Secret Service
By
00UCSBdad
Disclaimer: You must know by now that I don't own Castle. In addition, no Vorlags were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Okay, there were some awful Vorlag hangovers, but that's to be expected. Rating: K. Time: Immediately after The Tragical Comedy of Rick and Romeo, Juliet and Kate.
Alexis closed her eyes and braced for a bullet to tear through her. Then she felt a spray of liquid on her face. Was it a poison that would soon enter her bloodstream? A biological weapon? Then she sniffed. And sniffed a gain. Slowly, she stuck out her tongue and tasted the liquid.
She opened her eyes to see Varamanga standing there, grinning at her.
"You shot me with Vorlag rum!" She yelled.
"A Vorlag Libre, to be exact." Varamanga replied. "Vorlag rum, Vorlag Cola and a bit of lemon juice."
Alexis took a step towards Varamanga, intending to give him a piece of her mind.
"Careful! Don't step on Herman."
Alexis looked down and saw a gigantic spider, at least two feet across. She quickly stepped back.
"And don't step in the poop behind you." Varamanga said with a grin.
Alexis looked behind her. Too late. She'd stepped in poop.
"Don't worry." Varamanga said. "Herman isn't real, and neither is the poop. Just stamp your foot and it'll come right off. It isn't even smelly."
"Do you think that's funny?" Alexis raged.
"Hilarious. You should have seen your face. In fact, you can."
Varamanga pointed to a section of the mirror, and she saw a video of herself. She looked terrified when the Vorlag had shot her, scared of Herman and disgusted by the poop.
"I thought you were some kind of hired assassin."
"Me? Not at all. I'm the greatest Vorlag prankster ever. Why kill your enemies when you can hire me to make them look foolish, ridiculous even. The toughest Vorlags ever get laughed off the streets when I'm done with them."
They were interrupted by a loud Vorlag howl.
"Ah. I think your young Vorlag friend has been slimed. Shall we leave and meet the rest of your friends?"
Varamanga led Alexis through the mirrors and back to the entrance to the funhouse. It took a while, but soon all of Alexis's friends exited the hall of mirrors.
"Paddy Whack." Varamanga said to the short humanoid. "I think a round of Vorlag Libres for one and all is in order."
The small humanoid hurried off to make the drinks.
"Paddy Whack?" Kate asked. "That's an odd name."
"My last assistant was named Nick Knack. Somehow when Paddy Whack showed up, his name just seemed perfect."
Varamanga noticed that Curly was busy trying to clean the slime off of himself.
"Here you go, young Vorlag." He tossed Curly a leather cloth. "Use this special chamois. But wait, there's more. Buy one now and get a second one absolutely free."
Curly just busied himself cleaning the slime off of him.
"I ought to pop you one." Sam growled.
"If you did that, I might have to put your little adventure in the hall of mirrors up on my website. How would that make you feel?"
Sam growled at Varamanga, but said nothing.
"What happened, Sam." Alexis asked."
"Nothing." Sam replied through gritted fangs.
Paddy Whack came back with drinks for all. The Vorlags, as usual, got down to some serious drinking, while the humans just sipped their drinks.
"Mr. Varamanga, my name is Kate Beckett."
Varamanga nodded.
"I've heard of you. Don Vorleone sends you in when he needs someone with brains instead of just muscle."
Sam looked up from his drink and looked like he was about to say something, but apparently thought better of it and motioned to Paddy Whack for a refill.
"I've also been asked to help out by V., the head of the SIS."
"Sounds serious."
"It is. We need to know the location of T.O.O.T.H.'s secret headquarters."
"Well, they were located on a distant island, in the crater of a dormant volcano. Well off any shipping lanes, of course."
"They were?" Kate asked. "What happened?"
"The Rolling Vorlags moved onto the island next door to have a place to practice."
"The Rolling Vorlags?"
"It's a Vorlag Afro-Cuban, country and western, klezmer, blues, jug band, punk, rhythm and blues, folk, blue grass, rock fusion band."
"I sold them my new amplifiers." Curly said. "They loved them."
"The ones that went up to twelve?" Kate asked,
"Um, these went to thirteen."
"T.O.O.T.H. was afraid the amps would start the volcano up again, so they left. They never sent me a forwarding address."
"So you have no idea where they might be now?" Kate asked.
"No, but I'll bet Dr. Maybe knows."
"And how do I find him?"
"He's on a tropical island in the South Seas."
"Can you be more specific?"
"Afraid not."
Sam and Da Boyz asked around, but no one seemed to have anything further on Dr. Maybe or his whereabouts.
Accordingly, several days later a mixed group of Vorlag and human tourists disembarked on the island of Vamaica. Dressed in loud shirts, shorts and Panama hats they were greeted by a steel band.
Down da way,
Where da nights are gay
And da sun shines daily on da mountain top,
I took a trip on a sailing ship,
And when I reach Vamaica,
I made a stop.
Scantily clad Vorlag ladies handed each tourist a large fruit of some sort.
"What is this?" Kate asked,
"A vineapple." Curly replied. "It's a local delicacy."
"It's been hollowed out." Alexis said. "And," she took a sip, "It's filled with Vorlag rum."
Kate tried to get in front of the Vorlags, but they had their snouts in the vineapples and were headed resolutely to the nearest bar. Kate gave up trying to stop them.
She woke up the next morning to the sound of someone trying to break into her room with a chain saw. She grabbed her gun, but soon found that the sound was the snoring of the Vorlags in the next room.
Opening the connecting doors, she ripped open the blinds, filling the room with sunshine, and yelling "Wakey, wakey. Everybody up!"
The Vorlags tried to pull the covers over their heads, but Kate kept at it until all were, more or less, awake, alert and ready to go.
"We need to find Dr. Maybe's secret headquarters. Any suggestions?" She asked.
"Usually if I slip a sawbuck or two to a bartender, I get some info." Sam Volunteered.
Wary as she was of letting the Vorlags anywhere near another bar, Kate could see the logic in Sam's idea.
"Okay, but everyone stays sober. Got it?"
There were mumbles of what sounded like agreement.
They went back to the bar they had been at last night and corralled the bartender.
"Say, Bub, we're new in town and want to look around. You know, something other than the usual tourist traps, but we don't know the area. Anyplace we should avoid?"
Sam had figured that any supervillain worth his reputation would keep strangers away at any cost.
"Maybe I know something." The bartender said, holding out his hand.
Sam put a ten spot in his palm.
"Stay away from Crabby Key." The bartender said.
"Dangerous? People go there and don't come back?"
"Nah. It's the Old Vorlag's Home. All the old fudds do is sit around all day and bitch about how much better things were when they were young. I gotta go visit my aunt once a month and I need to get smashed when I get through listening about how she had to walk to school twenty miles, uphill, both ways."
'Is that it?"
"All I got."
They retreated to a booth to consider their next move.
"Um, I've been looking at my tricorder," Curly said," and I might have found something."
"What?" Kate demanded.
"I Voogled "secret locations for Dr. Maybe" and I got this map. It shows an island near here called Supervillain Dr. Maybe's Top Secret Lair. No trespassing."
"We'll hire a boat and go out there tonight." Kate said.
And go they did, but as soon as they stepped onto land, they were bombarded with canisters of knock out gas. They tried to retreat to the boat but collapsed.
They awoke on a steel platform only a few feet above a pool of water. In the water they could see some kind of fish. The only way off the platform was from a drawbridge that was now in the up position.
They were not alone on the platform, however. They shared it with a humanoid who seemed to be made out of shiny metal.
Sam recognized him at once.
"0000Demming. You're Dr. Maybe?"
0000Demming turned slowly towards Sam. Obviously he had a great deal of trouble moving.
"No, but I'm the good doctor's right-hand man."
"But you're a member of the SIS."
"So what? Ever since I fell into that vat of collapsium, all I get is, "0000Demming, test the new fusion powered pogo stick and, oh, you won't need a crash helmet, you know." Or, "0000Demming, Q has made a pen that converts into a rocket ship. Luckily, if it blows up…Let's hope it doesn't blow up, eh?"
0000Demmimg looked around him.
"This is where I belong. It's my destiny to be a great supervillain."
"What are you going to do to us?" Corrine demanded.
"Me? Nothing. But, when I jump off this platform, it's going to start to sink. The pool is filled with rabid, hybrid, vampire, cyborg, zombie piranhas. It's what they'll do to you." 0000Demming laughed maniacally. He was working on being a supervillain, wasn't he?
"But what sort of fantastic, sadistic, evil, really bad plot to you have to ascend to the ranks of supervillaindom?" Alexis asked, batting her eyes at 0000Demming.
Alas, 0000Demming should have known to never answer that kind of question, but he wasn't a fully-fledged supervillain and was also quite vain.
"I've made my own deal on Earth with an ice cream company, It's All About the Benjamins, Jerry, Inc. I plan to flood the market with low priced ice cream, selling at a loss. Then when Don Vorleone is driven out of business, the price goes up. The sky's no limit. And best of all, it's completely legal."
"What?" Bellowed a voice. Then a tall Vorlag, surrounded by guards, marched to the drawbridge, lowered it and stomped across the bridge. They all noticed that he seemed to have metal feet.
"Your plan is completely legal?" Bellowed Dr. Maybe. "Are you insane? Are you trying to get me kicked out of the Supervillains League? What kind of a supervillain does something legal?" Dr. Maybe kicked 0000Demming in the crotch. As he did so, something small and grey popped out of 0000Demming's mouth.
"You're fired." Dr. Maybe yelled and led his guards off the platform. As he left and the drawbridge rose, the platform began to sink.
"That grey thing." Corrine said. "It must be 0000Demming's brain." She quickly kicked it into the pool where it was quickly gobbled up.
"How do we get out of here?" Alexis yelled.
Kate thought fast.
"Lower 0000Demming into the water before the platform sinks all the way."
The did so and the rabid, hybrid, vampire, cyborg, zombie piranhas attacked the collapsium plated former would be supervillain and wore their teeth down to stubs.
They then waded to safety, but found that Dr. Maybe and his henchvorlags were long gone.
Days later, they sat in V.'s office in SIS Headquarters.
"I must say you did a fine job, one and all. You didn't find T.O.O.T.H.'s headquarters, but you foiled their plan to get rich. We'll get them eventually. And I especially appreciate you bringing what's left of 0000Demming back. He does make a fine doorstop, although we did have to move him about a bit since the wind blowing through his ears made a whistling noise. That's fixed now."
"So, 00Kate and 00Alexis, I'm able to send you back to Earth with the grateful thanks of Her Majesty. And we owe Don Vorleone a favor now."
Da Boyz smiled.
"And we owe another favor to Sam Spade Vorlag."
"I just did what any red blooded Vorlag-American would do." He said modestly.
Mere hours later, Kate and Alexis were entering the loft, happy to be home.
"Honey, we're home." Kate called out.
Rick rushed out of his office to hug his wife and daughter.
"I missed you. You weren't in any danger, were you?"
"Nothing the Castle ladies couldn't handle. What have you been doing?"
"Writing." He held up a copy of a manuscript.
Kate read the title.
"Furry Heat?"
Rick nodded.
"A gorgeous Vorlag detective is partnered with a handsome, charming, erudite, tough…"
"Cut to the chase, Dad." Alexis broke in.
"Anyway, my publisher loves it."
"Black Pawn is going to publish it?"
"No, VorleoneCo Editions will publish it. Just not on Earth. My editor will be showing up in a while to help out."
"And you editor is?"
"Sam Spade Vorlag."
THE END
Author's note: Next up is My Name is Derek Storm. What happens when a man arrives at the 12th Precinct claiming to be Derek Storm?