I officially do not like the loading system that fanfiction seems to have right now. I worked so hard to get the number of reviews and now.... they're gone... makes angry gestures
Well just incase some people might not know, this is the revised, new title version of "Sweet Taste of Revenge and Regrets" . I had to change the title because of the stupid loading system that fanfiction has will not let me delete the chapters and add new ones... Well on with the fic....
Disclaimer: Shaman King does not belong to me... unfortunately..
Summary: Regret and remorse have a sickening clasp on Yoh. What happens when the object of the regrets comes back, but only causes more pain? It's not just physically... it's emotionally... eventual HaoxYoh, noncon, yaoi, others listed inside.
Warnings: Yaoi or in other words malexmale pairing, violence in form of torture, depression, maybe NCS, gore (blood)
Rating: R
Author's Note: Once again I'm sorry for stopping in the middle of a fic to go back to revising. I really hope that you like this version better than the other. This chapter is mainly about a depressed Yoh and his thoughts...
Thankies to Reviewers: (the reviews that were at the last chapter of STRR)
Hao's Girl: Thank you SO much for your undying support!! (huggles) I was so screwed when I tried to write chapter 8 of the old version... when I went back to my plot-triangle thingy... I found out that I missed so many parts that I was supposed to have written about. A million thank you's for your long reviews, I don't know where I'd be without them!
Yugioh-fan88: (squeals) You don't know how you just boosted up my self-esteem!! Thank you so so much for understanding! Yes I changed my rating! I thought that I'd might be a little too much for a PG-13 fic. lol
dragonkatana980: Yes I'm gonna revise the whole entire thing. Even though it might be a little different... I'll be sure not to bore anyone.. well I'll try.. lol Arigatou for your support!!
Winged Golden Tiger: Hee hee... (snickers) I'm hoping there might be NCS too...lol I personally think that in the show, Hao looked more sexier than Yoh but I LOVED Yoh too!! heh heh.. I can't wait to see their faces too!! They'll be....... I should stop before I say any more spoilers... Thanks for your review and your great support!
Wingweaver22: I updated as soon as I could. Actually the moment I put the author's note up, I started on this chapter... Thanks for the constant reviews!!
Jhaylin: Thank you for understanding! I think this version would be more understandable in a sense that it'd become HaoxYoh fic. Thankies!
Natalie: Well.... sry for the "inconvience".... the reason was at the top of the page. Glad you love the story though!! thanks!
Blinding Grasp
Chapter 1:
"Manta? What do you think it'd be like to have an onii-chan?" I ask, putting fake curiosity onto my face. My question had held a hidden meaning... Something that had been in my mind for so long... since then. Something that I was unwilling to share with any of my closest friends or family. At least, not yet.
"I don't know... I'm an only child, but I've always wanted a sibling. Even though people with brothers or sisters say that they are a pain in the neck, I don't think so. No matter what, you know that they love each other. They'd die for them. They say that they share the greatest bond ever! I would want that with someone." It was just like Manta to break down every question to a lecture.
I smiled. "Aa... having an onii-chan would be the greatest."
Manta seemed concerned, "Yoh? Are you thinking of Hao?"
"No. I was just curious." But yes. I was thinking of my onii-chan. It had been every single day since the final battle, when it had ended with the disappearance of Hao and a postponed Shaman Fight.
Manta seemed to doubt my answer, but decided to drop the subject. He knew that I didn't like to talk about the dark past. That I hated the fact that I had to "kill" someone... no it wasn't a someone... it was my brother. My twin. My other half.
We were both quiet after that. A slight breeze caressed us while we both lay on the grass of the Funbari Graveyard. The stars.... They're so bright... and so infinite. I could stay all day and night, counting those shining speckled dots. Hao... he loved the stars and loved to gaze at them too. Heck, he even named his team after the stars! He had thought that they were disappearing forever, only when they were just concealed by the light from the cities. I think that's one of the reason's he hates humans, the reason why he set his eyes on an all shaman world. I wonder what his other reasons are... What made him go after such a wide, complicated goal? It's so... mysterious.
A shuffle was heard and a head looking toward his watch. "No! I'm late! I'm supposed to be home by now... Gomen Yoh-kun! I'm gonna have to go! Sayonara!" Manta then raced down the steps and onto the road to his house.
I looked toward his exit. My thoughts lingered on what he had said to my question. The greatest bond ever... I wonder if I share that with Hao.
My soul had been lost once. You could say that I died or that I just simply returned to rightful place. I almost felt happiness and at ease from the harsh life of reality. But in the end, I came back. Amidamaru helped me come back to the real world, where my supposed "destiny" was to kill Hao.
Hao...... My memories are starting to overcome me...
past
"Doushite?" You had asked me after he had purposely attacked Silva and Karim. Now I know that it had been just to get me provoked. I had been so blind a that point... so angry.
"Come and get me" At that, he had made a Spirit of Fire sword. Almost identical to mine, almost.
"Hao!" I screamed in battle-cry. I was angered to the fact that he had hurt my friends and insulted them.
"Now you're talking" Just as you wanted... Then the shaman swordfight began... You with a malicious smirk and me with eyes blinded with fury.
Even at the beginning you knew that I would lose. I was already sweating with perspiration while you had a calm, bland expression with hardly any effort to the fight. You were on offensive as I was in defensive. Now, I think about it... I never brought myself to actually attack you. All I had time to do was defend myself. But you never took the kill until the very end.
Our swords were locked against each other, "You understand, don't you? There's too much difference between our strengths. Even so, you still think it will all work out, right?" Onii-chan, you know me too well...
"You have something against that? "
"Aa. It makes me sick." You unlocked our swords and pushed me forward with ease.
Your sword was pointed at my face, "That's once. I wonder how many times you'll die." I hated you at that point...You were playing a game... a stupid game. A game of mock survival. I tightened my grip on Harusame, and once again started another round of fighting. And again I lost... quite pitifully.
You reminded me, "This will be the second time. Now then, how shall I send you to the other world the third time?"
"D-Do whatever you want." I spitted out defiantly.
There were so many rounds.... All that ended up me losing. But I never lost hope, never lost my will to fight longer... that is until...
I was breathing so heavily, so tired, sweat getting in my eyes. I blinked once... twice... to get my bearings straight. I knew I couldn't hold out much longer. You were standing in front of me, fresh as daylight as I was worn out from physical and furyoku usage.
I faintly heard Opacho saying that all Hao needed before he could get the Great Spirits was get his other half back... my soul...
Hao said otherwise, "That's not true, Opacho. Yoh is irrelevant." That's when you actually tried to kill me or disarm me. It worked too. I was just too tired. And I was forcefully kicked on the neck to the other end of the floor. The wind was knocked out of me. It seemed like I didn't want to fight any longer. I was so exhausted, numb. I just lay there, half-conscious. I could here you're footsteps though, getting closer.
"Yoh is irrelevant. The Great Spirits are already mine. Because since Spirit of Fire devoured Shamash... I've obtained more than enough power. Yes, I no longer have any need for Yoh." You're footsteps stopped. I knew you were in front of me. But I couldn't move my limbs. I just couldn't move... so... tired.
"He's just..." He painfully grabbed onto my hair, my scalp, "an eyesore."
I dumbly just stared up, my mouth hanging open. My eyes were elsewhere. Somewhere in a dream... Just elsewhere.
"When I think this kind of person is my other half...It makes me sick." I think that's when I started to come back. I was hurt emotionally by what you said.
"That's why..." Your sword disappeared. Your actions just finished the sentence. The free hand got closer and closer to my abdomen. I didn't know what you were doing until it was too late. I could feel your cool hand sliding inside me. My brain felt hot with millions of needles poking endlessly in and out. Pain... that was all I could feel. My voice was gone, my eyesight too. My 5 senses seemed to flash out slowly as your hand went deeper and deeper. I threw my head back slightly, an inaudible scream. My face contorted with mental and physical agony. When your hand found what it was digging for, you clasped onto it tightly. My heart burst, invisible tears of obvious pain dripped out. Memories seemed to fall out like a waterfall, so swift and hardly any time to catch.
Then it all stopped. Completely. I no longer felt anything. I returned to my rightful place...
I was falling...
falling...
falling...
deeper and deeper into Hao's soul.....
It felt so peaceful there... It was as if I slipped from the grasp of unfair reality and went to a deep, quiet slumber. I felt freedom from my mission and the world. It's kinda like what I wanted. An easygoing life... to be able to live with complete ease.... The only difference being, I wasn't really living...
I just kept falling. I think, at one point I reached the heart of Hao's soul, where I was supposed to reach. I heard bits and pieces of his memories of his first form....
"Is he really human like us?"
"He's a demon with a human face"
"He'll possess us!"
"Hao! Are you insane?!"
"It's not sane for a man to go up against the Imperial Court!
"I can't keep up with him."
My eyes widened at the hostile words. So...mean... so cruel... Even I felt tinge of hate and discomfort towards them. I could hear your responses repeating over and over again. You sounded so wise and all-knowing, as if nothing could compare to you.
"Why can't you believe me?"
"That is the form nature should take."
"I am correct."
"Humans are such fools"
"They don't value their existence."
You said it over... and... over again... It was like you were trying to make it stick to my head, to be forever imprinted in my head. I think it was starting to work... You bided me let go... of my emotions, my memories... I did. I slowly closed my eyes... I was letting go... I forgot...
Weirdly.... I opened my eyes again. I faintly remembered a boy and a being standing alongside each other... I couldn't place it. I just couldn't remember. Then I heard it..... a calling... "Yoh-dono!" recognition of familiarity washed over me. I heard it again and again. Getting more urgent by the second. "I ............. I................who..... Amidamaru!" I had thought and I woke up.
present
Afterwards we had our almost-equal fight. This time I won. But the weird thing is, I feel no happiness nor any triumph. I felt like ... half of me died... I was half empty.
"I..... I... miss you Hao." I whispered, tears starting to stir in my eyes.
"I wish I could have gotten to know you more. Be like brothers. And form a strong bond with you, like Manta said..." The tears fell.
I cried. Just like so many days before. I wept for the brother I had killed. The brother that I had barely gotten to know. My back felt heavy. Every day it got heavier, heavy with remorse and deep regret.
"Gomen nasai... onii-chan"
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Normal POV
Anna made her way through the streets. It was dark and Yoh had still not come home. The only light she had were the dim streetlights alongside the pavement, casting an orangey hue.
She was worried. It was written in her face. Stress and lines of worry were embedded on her small face. Yoh had done this for days. Ever since they had gotten back to Funbari from the Shaman Fight, he had become distant to her and his friends. He didn't seem to be there, it was like he was in a deep thought every single minute of the day. The once happy, grinning Yoh had gone on vacation, replaced by a fatigued, depressed Yoh. A stranger... a complete stranger.
She knew that killing Hao did not settle well with Yoh. Even though it had been Hao the murderer of many people, Yoh didn't care. He had killed a person. That's all that seemed to stick with Yoh.
She was nearing the gate to the Funbari Graveyard. Anna slowly pushed the gate open. A low creak ringed through the air. She hurried herself up the steps.
"Yoh." She called out neither loud nor quiet. This had become like a routine. Every night she'd come look for Yoh and she'd find him in the graveyard, stargazing.
Indeed she found him lying on the grass, with his usual headphones lying across his head. He had a forlorn expression, eyes skimming through the skies. She could see that he had been crying. Dried tearstains were on his cherubic face.
Anna sighed out loud, and sat next to Yoh. "Yoh...why do you do this?"
Yoh acted as if he had just acknowledged Anna's presence. "Anna! When did you get here?"
"You still haven't answered my question." She stated.
"What do mean Anna?" Yoh asked not understanding.
"You know what I mean. You always come here every night, crying yourself out. You seem to be out of this world.... You can't seem to be able to focus in the real world anymore. Where are you Yoh? What happened to my real Shaman King?" Anna whispered almost whining.
"I.......I..... don't know.." He genuinely looked as if he had no clue.
"Are you sure?"
"Aaa. I'm not sure anymore Anna. Life seems to have gotten a lot more complicated during the Shaman Fight and afterwards. I guess I'm still recovering from it." Yoh said.
She stared at his face, looking for any signs of untruthfulness. She found none.
"Really? Well alright then. Let's speed up that recovery. We're starting your training again tomorrow. Be ready." She commanded.
Yoh smiled at the fact that it'd be just like before. Before so much "events" had happened. Anna felt warmness go through her heart. It'd been such a long time since she had seen Yoh's smile. Even though it had not been his best one, it was still a smile. It was a start.
"Hai."
They both looked up at the sky after that. A quiet aura surrounded them. The stars seemed to look solemnly gaze down at them, giving the two of them comfort.....
Their eyes brightened as a shooting star passed through the midnight blue sky.
Make a wish......
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Damnit. I'm getting out of control. Hatred.....It's dripping like venom, it's already spreading. It's starting to devour me to the last morsel. I can't think clearly.
I can't begin to think why this is happening to me. I've done nothing wrong. I'm the representative of nature. I'm always right! ........ Then why is this happening? I've never felt this much "feeling". It's pulling at my insides, twisting at my heart, my chest. I have only experienced this much pain since ... then.
I clutch my head as I experience a new sensation. Voices.... They're pained voices. They're screaming in my ear, asking for help that cannot be found. They are in excruciating pain, I can tell, because of their high-pitched wail. It's almost like a baby's cry when its skin is burned, only it's not just babies, it's everyone. It's too much! I can't take it!
What's the cause of this? Who? What? I'm losing.... I'm actually losing to this unknown force. I.... I...
Can't! I can't lose control. I will not be angered! This isn't me! I'm not like this. I'm able to surpass anything! I'm always in control! I can't help think..... Was this why Opacho ran away? Is this why he abandoned me at the peak of the final battle? That I wasn't the real Hao-sama?
I don't know what to think anymore... My mind's becoming numb. The continuous cries and the blaring emotions in my body are overwhelming me. I can't go yet.... I need to do one more thing.....one ...last.....talk.... with him.....
Normal POV
Hao clung onto his head, eyes closed tightly. Looking as he was trying to will something away His face was contorted with agony. Everything was silent near him, nothing could possibly be the culprit of his obvious pain. Some lone drifter would have thought he was delusional if they had passed by.
No matter how many times he denied that he was going to lose, he was lying on a thin strand. A strand already in pressure of breaking...
It snapped......
His eyes jerked open. Something was wrong.... His eyes..... they were.......
Yoh..........gomen....
Author's Note: (flexes finger muscles after hours of typing) Well.... That's the revised 1st chapter! Tell me your thoughts! I'm also deleting all the unrevised chapters and will just be adding the revised chapters on and on.
It's somewhat like the original 1st chapter but anyways.... Please tell of what you thought about the Hao's POV! I need to see if I had the correct impression of Hao in this chapter....
SHOWER ME WITH REVIEWS!! heh heh