Author's Note: Funny stuff is HARD! I dunno if I am cut out for it. :( But here is my latest attempt at it. Sorta longer then the previous two. Not sure how it flows. But hey, I tried. And thanks for the wonderful reviews so far. I don't deserve any of ya!
"I am so not going in there."
McKay and Sheppard stood outside the doorway of the mess hall. After spending an hour trying to get Rodney away from his latest doohickey, John had finally resorted to threats to get the scientist to leave his lab. Mainly cutting him off from his supply of coffee and energy bars.
"C'mon, Rodney!" the Lieutenant Colonel begged once more, tugging on McKay's sleeve. "Carson said he wanted you to eat a real meal. Something nutritional."
Making a 'hrumph' like sound, Rodney stood his ground. "Energy bars are nutritional." He pointed out.
"Yeah, if you're a chipmunk." John shot back, "Though you do have the cheeks."
Rodney blanched at that. "Hey, my cheeks are just fine." He replied. "Are you saying I have fat cheeks?"
"Nooooo. I'm saying you have chipmunk's cheeks. But hey, if you want to keep eating that poor substitute for real homemade food."
"You're just trying to get me mad enough to walk in there." Rodney suddenly realized.
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are!" Rodney cried. "Whenever I don't want to do something you insult me or threaten me into it. Not this time, John Sheppard." He said resolutely.
Sighing, John shook his head. "Fine. Go eat your power bars. I think we only have the lemon nut ones left. I'm sure those will fill you up."
Blinking, Rodney looked John straight in the eye, looking for any sign he was lying. Frighteningly, he saw no deceit in them and sighed.
"Fine." He grumped. "Dinner it is. Lead on, Mister Nutrition."
Grinning in that infuriatingly boyish way of his, Sheppard led his friend into the Messhall.
Minutes later their spot in line had moved up to the serving table where the chef's, really just volunteers from other departments, waited for the hungry hordes to make their selection.
Rodney, plate in hand, was eyeing the choices for this evening. "You know… Considering we are getting regular supplies now from Earth I am surprised there isn't more of a selection." He said as he leaned closer to examine something that looked like an dome of multi-colored jello with something that suspiciously looked like vegetables in it. "My god, I think they raided my high-school's cafeteria." He said with disgust.
John smirked at Rodney. "C'mon, it can't be that…" One of the servers plopped something that looked like faintly green and rather liquidy mashed potatoes on his plate, "…bad." He finished with a look of dismay.
Rodney looked between the mystery gelatin that the server had placed on his plate and John's potatoes. "What is that?" he asked. "Pureed Ninja Turtles?"
John shot Rodney that look. "Better then your… your… Oh hell, Rodney. What is that stuff?"
Rodney hmmm'd and tapped the jelly stuff with a fork. "I dunno. Looks like a reject one tenth scale model from the Blob." He said. "I think I see small bits of Steve McQueen in there."
"That's the carrots, Mckay."
"I was just saying… They looked like Steve McQueen! Look? This one even has his scowling brow?"
"Really?" John asked as he leaned over. "Hey, Cool! You're right!"
Rodney jiggled the plate and the multicolored gelatin bobbed and swayed. "I'm the Blob!" he crooned in a deep voice and slide the plate towards John's. "I have come to destroy your mashed Ninja Turtles!"
John grinned. The others in the line behind them didn't look to impressed though. "Hey!" Kavanaugh called out, his smarmy weasel voice carrying quite well across the line. "Get your move on. Some people here want to eat you know."
John flipped the pencil necked scientist the finger, making Kavanaugh bluster and pull out his little black book he recorder every imaginary infraction in, and urged a Gelatin Mesmerized Rodney along to the next few selections.
"You know, I don't know if supplementing our supplies with the Athosians foodstuffs was really such a hot idea." Rodney said as he got something that looked like pinto beans but smelled like roastbeef scooped onto his plate. "Why can't we break out some of the new supplies?" he whined as the last remaining selections were Lemon-Chicken, Pine-apple pork and…. He suddenly stopped and stared.
There, on a tray beneath a heatlamp, was the largest and juiciest steak McKay had ever seen.
Rodney couldn't even remember the last time he had seen real steak. The farewell barbeque, perhaps, before they jaunted to this wraith infested hellhole? Or was it before that? He didn't really care. All he knew is that he wanted that steak and wanted it badly.
And it was the last one.
And he wasn't the only one eyeing it either.
Almost everyone behind him had scene the steak and he swore more then a few of them were drooling. Some of them had developed a nervous sheen of sweat on their upper brow while other's twitched perceptibly.
Even Sheppard seemed entranced by that slap of perfectly cooked beef. His eyes shifted left.. then right… then focused on Rodney who was ever so slowly tiptoeing to place himself between the rest of the line and the beef crazed fanatics he called his peers.
"Rodney…." Sheppard muttered, taking a step foreword. And like a wave everyone else stepped in time with him. Closer. "I'd be careful if I were you… Step away from the steak and no one gets hurt."
A few of the others behind John mumbled in agreement. Rodney froze where he was and grabbed a spoon, brandishing it at Sheppard and the group of meat crazed scientists and soldiers.
"No!" he cried. "I was here first." And he waved the spoon menacingly at The fiends.
"You always get the good stuff!" cried one of the junior scientists.
"I can't eat this other crap!" cried another. "I'm gelatin intolerant. I need meat!"
Kavanaugh stepped up to Sheppard and McKay, his ratlike eyes gleaming dangerously. "Yeah. Give me the steak, McKay!" he growled, thumbing his own spoon."
Others stepped foreword, slowly circling McKay, cutting off his line of escape. Now John looked a bit worried as well. He turned around and stepped back to Rodney's side. "I think we're in trouble." He murmured.
"We?": Rodney said in a panicky voice. "Don't you mean me? This is my steak, Damnit. I'm not giving it up without a fight."
Sheppard shook his head. "Look. I want that steak as much as you do.." he whispers as Kavanaugh and his droogs started coming even closer. "So here's the deal. I help you get away and I get half the steak. Sound good."
McKay frowned and looked at his beloved steak.. Then at Sheppard. Then at the dangerous looking coterie with hunger in their eyes. A hunger born of too many MRE's and Anthosian Surprise Casserole nights.
"You've got a deal, Sheppard." He said as he snatched the plate up. "Lets dance."
Kavanaugh let loose his warcry and the battle began.
"So, wuz it wuirth it, Rodney?" Becket asked as he dabbed at the scientists black eye. The Doctor was not terribly amused by this. He had thirteen Atlantis personnel, ranging from the lowliest assistants to two of the three department leaders in the infirmary. Nothing serious. Just a lot of bruises.
A food covered Rodney McKay sat up in his bed. His entire body was plastered with gelatin and that green stuff of Sheppard's. And he was among the cleanest of the group. And clutched neat his chest was that plate with half a steak on it. He picked up in his fingers and tore off a bit like some ravenous carnivore and nodded to Beckett.
"Damn straight!" he mumbled between bites. In the bed next to him, John sat in his puddle of Faux chocolate pudding, takes bites out of his own half of the prize steak.
"What he said." He said around the juicy beef in his mouth.
Beckett sighed and rubbed his temples. "God… I need a new job." He muttered as he turned and walked towards Kavanaugh whom was having carrot sticks removed from his nose by a nurse.
John and Rodney munched away like two victorious warlords who had one an epic battle. This day would go down in history, or at least their permanent records. But it had been worth it.
Rodney was just about to take another bite when Katie Brown, Atlantis's premier botanist and McKay's love interest stormed in to the infirmary. Sheppard blinked and took another bite of his steak, then swallowed hard. "Uh oh, Rodney.. Look sharp. Pissed off girlfriend at 12 o'clock."
"Whuh?" Rodney squeaked, steak hanging out of his mouth as the diminutive scientist treaded right up to their beds. She had a plate of salad in her hand which probably meant she had been in the messhall and seen everything.
"What do you have to say for yourself, Rodney Mckay?" she asked angrily I a tone that made even Sheppard wince and try to inch away. Of course she looked at the Lieutenant Colonel as well, her eyes glaring daggers. Before either of them could say anything she looked back at Rodney. "I have never seen anything so deplorable and childish in my life. You were acting like heathens."
"But.. but…" McKay said, but couldn't get any words in.
"No buts." Katie growled and looked at the meat still hanging from his teeth in disgust. "My god, Rodney. How can you eat that… that… that meat!"
It was no secret that Katie was a Vegetarian. And Rodney had always avoided meet when they ate together. So much so that the lack of it had probably been a major contributor to today's fiasco. But never.. EVER.. had Katie been preachy about it. Until now. And Rodney snapped. NO ONE spoke about his steak that way. NO ONE!"
She wrinkled her nose again. "You know a cow died so you could eat that." She told him angrily.
That made Rodney blink. He looked at the remains of he beloved steak, then at his love, at his steak again, and finally at the plate of salad in her hands.
"Do you know why that cow died?" he hissed, ever so slowly. He leaned closer to her, his eyes narrowing as he pointed to her salad. "Because you ATE ALL IT'S FOOD!"
Everyone on the infirmary became silent. Even Kavanaugh, who still had a carrot stick up his left nostril. Sheppard was smiling, looking almost proud of Rodney. Katie, though, didn't look impressed at all and turned on her heal and stormed out, muttering something about Rodney never seeing her naked again.
Not that Rodney cared.. at least at that moment. He could cry and whine to her later about it, apologizing profusely and prostrating himself before her for hours. But at this exact moment he just held up the last few bites of his steak like a trophy and Sheppard did the same.
"Victory!" Rodney said.
"Victory!" Sheppard replied.
And Beckett just sat there, helping the nurse remove that really deeply wedged piece of carrot stick from Kavanaugh's nose, not at all sure whether he should laugh or cry.
"Daft Idiots." He murmured and reached for the pliers.