My Desire
By Raven Scorne
AN: Okay! . first one-timer I've ever written, and it feels good! Well better start with the warnings, this fic is shounen-ai! So if you're queasy about boy-boy relationships… now's the time to go. And sice this is the first one-timer I've ever done… go easy on me and review. I like constructive criticism, but flamers will be sent to the inferno! --points to barechested Kazuma sweating in front of the inferno-- . --drool--
Disclaimer: --huggles Kazu-kun and Ryu-kun-- They're MINE! Bwahahahahahaha! --evil lawyers come and drag them away-- ;; NOOOOO! Now they're not! --plots evil plan to wipe out lawyers with my trusty inferno--
Kazuma… The only one to ever escape from Holy… the only one to ever escape me…
He is quite a mystery; he protects himself from harm by being covered in layers of half-truths and lies. No one has ever been able to figure him out, not even the ones closest to him. I guess that's why I was so interested in him. He is the only one that is like me… the only one that can truly relate to me. Not Jigmar, not Scheris, not even Mimori. They can imagine what it was like to be in my position, but that can only take them so far. Sooner or later, they'll reach a wall where they can't get past. That's when they know that it's time to pull away, and I am left alone again.
Kazuma's different from all the others; he has weathered the same destruction in his life to match mine. He knows what it is like to wander around with no objective in sight. That's how I felt before I joined Holy, but how he found his objective, and even what that objective is, is still a mystery to me. I hate him for that… for knowing. He knows me without even having to dig, it's like he's a mirror. Everything that I am, every secret that I possess, is reflected in him.
I also hate him for being free, for being everything that Iam unable to be. He is an outlaw, but one without limitations. The only thing that limits him is he, and he has never made that a habit. I hate him because he is everything that I want. Being strained under the pressures of Holy makes even the smallest recluse seems like paradise. If he fails in whatever he decides to do, the consequences are only what he decides to make of them. For me, however, failure brings shame not only to my own name, but to Holy as well. "And Holy", as Commander Jigmar once said, "will only remain Holy so long as its reputation is kept."
Holy is my burden, but it is also my sanctuary. It is the one place where alter users can prove their loyalty by protecting normal people from the abilities of outlaw alters. There, in Holy, an alter is no longer considered an alter, but a human being. He is with emotions and weaknesses that allow him to relate to normal people. But once you fail, the protection is lifted. Tachibana had to learn the hard way and was driven out of the city. Once its protection fails, an alter is no longer a human being again. He is a weapon unable to control him, and knows no morals or consequences of his actions. I will never allow myself to become a mindless killing machine… not like Kazuma. Not like my enemy.
I guess that's also the reason why I love him too. He challenges everything that is me, because he is my ultimate rival. Ever since my first conversation with him, if you can call it that, I realized that there was something about him that I should be cautious of, even fear. But that in turn led to an odd kind of respect. I never respect him as a person, though; he was still a criminal after all. Instead, it was a respect for his will. He had determination that I'm sure had matched mine and because of this stubborn side on both our parts, we have never been able to let each other go. And I'll never let go… because I can never live without him anymore.
I don't know how… but I have allowed him into myself. He is the only person who now lives in me; within my walls, while everyone else is trapped outside. Every word he says drives me to become stronger and better than he is. That drive overpowers me every time I see him, and I know it's exactly how he feels too. He is my objective, and my only objective. When Commander Jigmar had allowed me to pursue him, it felt like a wave of both relief and euphoria. He was mine… and ever fiber of my being felt a comfort that I was unable to feel since my childhood.
Unlike other objectives though, I realize I may never be able to attain him. He is my hope, and he flaunts it in my face every time we meet. Yet if I ever catch him, he will only escape again. And his escape usually brings both disappointment and shame. Should I ever kill him, I know I will also cease to exist because any other objective pales significantly in comparison. I will never be as passionate about anyone or anything as I am with Kazuma. Both Sherrice and Mimori fail to realize this, and I can never bring myself to tell them. I can't tell them that I no longer see Kazuma as an enemy.
I love Kazuma… but I will never be able to tell him that either. The pain of being alone is only for me to bear, but he will be there for me… on the battlefield. He will know this secret as he knows every other one that I've kept hidden. But this one, I want him to know. I want him to know that he is mine and mine alone.
He is… my desire.
AN: Okay this is it! whad'ya think? --dodges pelted veggies-- O.O ACK! –hides-- they're nutritious… but disgusting… Anyhoo, please be kind and review :3 I'll award pocky for those who do! And if you've read up to here either coz you were bored, or like my mindless drabble… --hands out extra pocky for you-- . enjoys! ja ne! --bows and disappears with a purple fog of smoke--