A/N: Okay, so I know I said last time that this chapter was to be called "An Achy-Breaky Heart", but I changed my mind, because the scene that would have earned this chapter that title isn't included anymore. You should probably be glad of that, because now that I think about it, that scene would have been somewhat disturbing. No, you don't want to know. Yes, I will get on with the program.
Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harvest Moon or any of its characters. I didn't own them yesterday, I have not owned them today, and I will not own them tomorrow or any other day that will come…sheesh, we all know that! This disclaimer stuff is getting boring. From now on, I'll just trust you to remember that I own nothing on your own.
Chapter 3: An Attempt at Spouse Retrieval
Jack burst into his house after a good round of fishing. "Lu-cy, I'm ho-o-o-ome!" he sang. "Oops; I meant 'Karen'. Whatever. Close enough. Hey, where's my dinner?"
To Jack's dismay, the only response he got was silence. "What the hell? I thought I told that woman to have my dinner on the table at five every night! Where's she at?" He trotted about the house inquiringly, searching for Karen at every nook and corner. He even looked in the refrigerator and the cabinet; dumbass.
After an hour or so of fruitless searching, Jack exploded. "I can't BELIEVE this! She must still be at her parents' house!" (No shit, Sherlock.) "I'm gonna go over there right now and give her a piece of my mind!"
So Jack set off for the local vineyard.
Meanwhile…
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT BOY! AS SOON AS I GET MY HANDS ON HIM, I'LL WRING HIS NECK UNTIL IT TWISTS OFF AND HIS INTESTINES COME SPILLING OUT OF HIS THROAT!" Gotz bellowed.
"Waaaaah! Jack never listens to me, Mother! All he ever does is FARM all day! He doesn't pay one bit of attention to me at all!" Karen bawled shamelessly.
"THAT LITTLE ASS! NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL? I'M GONNA-"
Her mother, Sasha, patted her on the back in a sympathetic and motherly way. "There, there, dear. It'll be all right. You can stay here until you figure out what you want to do."
"That's not all! He even threw rocks at me! At my head! Can you believe that, Mother?"
Sasha let out a sad sigh. "Alas. I feared such a thing would happen. As soon as I saw that boy I began to get suspicions about him…"
Karen looked up, wide-eyed. "Mother, you knew he was like that when you met him? How?"
"Well, he looked exactly like your father did at that age."
Karen stared aghast at her grizzled, pot-bellied, perpetually drunk father. "You mean Jack's gonna be like THAT when he gets old?"
Gotz missed her remark and abruptly halted his scream-fest. "Yes, I was quite the fine-looking fellow back in my day," he preened. "I guess that Jack's not such a bad fellow after all if he takes after me! And so he's throwing rocks at you, girl? Pshaw, I used to throw rocks at your mother all the time when we were young!"
Karen raised an eyebrow. "Gee, I noticed. I wonder why I grew up to be such a screwed-up bitch, with such a loving family environment and all," she said dryly.
"But she's none the worse for it!" Gotz argued.
Karen shook hear head and sighed, slumping down against the table. She was still repulsed by just the thought of her husband becoming like her father in his old age. "I knew I should have stayed here and married Kai instead," she muttered.
As if on cue, Kai himself burst in with his bandana flying about his head and stars flying out of his eyes. "Miss Karen! Do you really mean that?" he screamed, practically hyperventilating with joy. Karen raised an eyebrow.
"On second thought, no," she replied. Kai hung his head sadly and went back outside the house.
Karen turned back to her parents, feeling a little depressed. "Still…I wonder if I should go back home," she murmured. "I'm starting to miss him…"
"I'm sure Jack misses you too, dear," Sasha told her gently. "Why don't you go on home and see if the two of you can work things ou-"
"Not Jack, Mom," Karen said, annoyed. "Jiro! The dog!"
"…Ah."
Jack dragged himself up the tall hill that led to the vineyard. "Arrgh, why'd these people have to build their house way up some damn hill?" he complained. "I don't care what Kai says about the soil conditions being ideal for grapes or some such shit; it's a freakin' pain to get there!"
"Arf?" wondered Jiro, Jack's loyal companion. He looked down in surprise at his dog.
"Jiro? What are you doing here?"
"Arf, arf!" Jiro barked.
"You're wondering why Karen didn't feed you today, huh? Yeah, me too."
"Grrrrr," growled Jiro threateningly.
"Yeah, we'll tell her off good, won't we, boy?"
Jiro considered biting Jack's leg off at this point, but then decided it wasn't worth the effort. Instead he chose to follow his completely oblivious master up the hill and into the Flower Bud Vineyard.
"Karen!" Jack bellowed as he stormed through the gate, making quite the unnecessarily dramatic entrance, "Where the hell are you, woman?"
Inside the house, Karen gasped upon hearing the voice of her loving husband. "It's Jack! SHIT! Mom, if he comes in, tell him I'm not here!"
"You want me to lie?" Sasha asked incredulously. "The Harvest Goddess does not approve of such immoral actions, Karen."
"Err…well...'lying' is such an ugly word," she tried. Her mother raised an eyebrow, and Karen gave up. "Okay, yes! Yes, I want you to lie! No- I NEED you to lie, Mother. Ple-e-e-ease?" She batted her eyelashes up at her mother and put a pathetically appealing look on her face.
Karen's mother sighed and patted her on the back. "Just go on upstairs, honey. Let your father and I handle this."
"Yay!" Karen exclaimed. "You're the best, Mom!" She hurried upstairs just as Jack burst through the door.
"Where the hell's my wife?" he demanded without ceremony.
"Oh, Jack!" Sasha plastered a fake-pleasant smile on her face. "Would you like to sit down?"
"I'd like to sit down at my own table to eat a meal that Karen's just cooked for me, because I'm freakin' hungry. Unfortunately, I can't do that because she's here and not there. Am I right?"
Gotz stood up and cracked his knuckles in a most threatening and fatherly-in-law way. "You made my little girl cry, you bastard…"
Jack looked at him blankly. "What are you talking about? You have no idea how hungry I am; I should be the one crying!" he snapped.
Sasha got up quickly and stood between the two men before their quarrel could escalate into some unwelcome violence. "Now, now, boys," she chided. "Let's sit down and talk this out like civilized human beings, shall we?"
"We live in a village with no computers, cars, or even telephones; and you expect civilization?" Jack pointed out.
"Jack, just go with it, please!" Sasha exclaimed in frustration.
"Fine," Jack muttered. "Shoot then."
"Well, in a nutshell, Karen is a little upset because you don't seem to be paying enough attention to her," Sasha understated. "So she came back to stay with us to get back at- err, I mean, to cool off."
"Well, is she cooled off enough yet?" Jack demanded impatiently.
Sasha frowned. "No-o-o-o…but I'm sure if you apologized to her, she'd be willing to-"
"Great! So that's settled," Jack interrupted. He hopped up from the sofa and loped up the stairs before banging on the door to Karen's former bedroom. "Karenimsorry," he said all in a rush. "Now will you PLEASE get your ass home and start cooking my freakin' dinner!"
"Go away!" Karen shrieked from inside her room.
"I'm not going away unless I have you with me!" Jack declared. "I'll never leave without you- never!"
Karen paused for a moment, taken aback. 'Why…why, that was the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me! Oh, Jack!' she thought breathlessly, until Jack continued,
"-I REFUSE to eat my own craptacular cooking for the remainder of my earthly days! Yours is no better, but at least you put lots of wine in everything so I can get drunk enough not to notice the taste! Come home at once! I've worked my ass off all day and I'm famished and I need food!"
Karen gasped, the very fabric of all her hopes and dreams relentlessly torn asunder by his callow statement. "GO TO HELL!" she screeched.
"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU OPEN THIS (bleep)ING DOOR!" Jack screeched back.
Sasha chose this moment to drag him away back down the stairs. "I think you'd better draw back for a moment," she told him disapprovingly. "Good grief, do you two always scream at each other like that at home? How did you and Karen even come to get married in the first place?"
"Actually, I have no idea," Jack admitted. It was then that he decided to relate the details of him and Karen's romance to her parents. "It all started the day I went to the bar on my very first night here and took Jiro with me, and all I know is Karen just would not leave me alone. She kept saying, 'Doesn't seem too intelligent, doesn't seem too intelligent,' about Jiro until I felt like beating the snot out of her. I mean, it's true that Jiro's not all that smart, but she had no right to be bitching like that about my dog, now did she?"
"Grrrrrrrr," Jiro growled, glaring at Jack.
"See? Jiro's still hurt about that," Jack said sadly. "But anyway, I finally turned around and told her to cut it out, but then she was all like, 'I LOVE YOU, JACK!' and tackled me. Ever since then she just wouldn't leave me alone! She'd barge into my house whenever I got sick and make me drink this honey-lemon shit, and on my birthday she gave me this really creepy bracelet that she said she made out of my horse's mane!"
"Uh-huh," Sasha said incredulously.
Gotz nodded knowingly and said, "That sounds like our Karen, all right. Just like her mother." Sasha gave him a withering look. "What?" he demanded.
Jack ignored them and continued. "Finally I went to the beach one day to go fishing…"
JaCk'Z mEmOrIeZ!
Karen stood before the water with a sour look on her face when Jack arrived. He was startled at seeing her, not to mention dismayed, for Karen really scared the shit out of him.
"Oh, um…hi, Karen," he muttered uncomfortably.
Karen whirled around and glared at him stonily. "Do you like me?" she demanded, apropos of nothing.
Jack opened his mouth to say, 'No, bitch, you scare me.' But then, with a rare display of insight on his part, he realized that to do so might not work towards his general well-being. "Sure…why not," he finally lied.
Karen's scowl grew darker. "Then bring me a blue feather!" she snapped. She whirled around and stormed haughtily away, leaving Jack puzzled, shaken, and highly disturbed.
"…And so, I brought her a blue feather the next day. I figured she'd kill me if I didn't," Jack concluded. "That Sunday morning I got completely drunk and when I woke up on Monday, Karen told me we'd gotten married."
Sasha stared at him in exasperation. "Jack! Didn't you know what the blue feather means?" she exclaimed.
Jack was baffled. "No. Why; is it important?"
"Boy, in the land of the Harvest Moon, a blue feather is the equivalent of an engagement ring in the city," Gotz grinned.
"Oh," Jack said thoughtfully. "Wow, who'd have thought."
"Good Lord! You really are an idiot!" Sasha averred, all her patience thoroughly worn out. "And now you've dragged my daughter into this unhappy marriage! What are you going to do about it?"
"I guess I'll have to break down her door and drag her home," Jack said sadly.
His mother-in-law stared at him. "Wrong…answer," she said slowly.
Suddenly Gotz' face brightened up. "I've got an idea!" he exclaimed. Jack and Sasha jumped, and gawked at him.
"What is it, dear?"
"Well, it was Jiro that made Karen fall in love with you in the first place, right?" Gotz pointed out.
"Um, yes?" Jack furrowed his brow. "And?"
"So then," Gotz explained, "All you have to do is take Jiro back up there and use him as your weapon to break down her wall of stubbornness and re-enter the door to her heart!"
Sasha's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, darling, that's the most poetic thing you've said in years."
Jack was utterly confused. "Use Jiro as a weapon? You mean I'm supposed to use my dog as a battering ram to break down her door? Look, I'll do what I have to so I can get my wife back, but I think the PETA's gonna be all over my ass if I-"
"No!" Sasha snapped, driven to uncharacteristic impatience by Jack's overwhelming cluelessness. "Take Jiro up there and try to use him to comfort Karen's ill feelings toward you! You know, he could be a sort of mediator, or something."
"Oh, okay. I get it now…I think," Jack said dubiously. Sasha sighed.
"I hope so," she murmured.
"Well then!" Jack slapped the side of his leg and stood up. "Jiro! C'mere, boy! Let's go get the housewife back, eh? I'm sure you're almost as hungry as I am!"
"Arf!" Jiro said, for once in his life agreeing with his master. He trotted obediently up the stairs at his master's side, ready to beard the lion at its den.
Explanations:
Love the Dog: In HM64, Karen can fall in love with Jack overnight if you take Jiro to the bar where she works and just talk to her repeatedly while holding him. She will indeed disparage your poor puppy's intelligence, but apparently she likes him more than she will admit, because as you keep talking to her, her heart level will steadily rise from white to purple, purple to green, and so on and so forth. You can keep doing this until she's finally at a pink heart. It takes a while, but it's a hell of a lot easier than going through the long and boring process of gift-giving. I've tried this trick, so I know for certain that it works.
A/N: Wow, that was quite a long chapter compared to my last two. I hope you guys enjoyed it…frankly, I wasn't exactly pleased with my work this time around. Yes, I know Gotz's mood towards Jack swung every which-a-way in a disconcerting manner. That's the way it turned out and I was too lazy to do much to fix it. Ehh, let's just assume that Gotz is…erm, schizo, or something. Yep. (No offense meant to anyone who might actually be schizophrenic!)
Anyway, I have got to comment on something. It's particularly nice when a reviewer comments not only on the fact that they liked your fic, but also tells you exactly what parts they liked. Every single one of you guys did that last time, and that's awesome beyond words! Did I tell you how much I LOVE you guys? Well, now I love you even more! You reviewer-people really are the bestest ever…sniff!
attaasa: Yes, the tea thing is something Jeff actually says in the game. It's very repetitive and very annoying. And Jiro was the whole reason Karen married Jack. That actually happened in my game; I had Jack seduce her with Jiro one night and never talked to her again, and went my way and tried to do other things, but then the bitch just wouldn't leave him alone! And I was trying to have him woo Popuri at the time too, so when Jack got birthday gifts from Karen (always a horsehair bracelet) instead for about three years it was very irritating.
Atavaka: I'm glad you enjoy it! Your comments are really encouraging. Actually, while I do know where the story is headed for the next few chapters, I too have no clue where it will ultimately lead… XD. But hopefully, you'll continue to have a good time reading!
Cammie Jensen: Oh my God, when I first saw the Gourmet dude I wasn't even sure if it was human- much less whether it was a he or a she, until it said Gourmet "Man". Oh, and when you go to your wife's parents and get her back all the other wives will reappear too. (Maybe they were on strike, protesting Jack's treatment of his spouse or something?) Yeesh, Cliff is hot. A lifestyle change on Jack's part certainly would be interesting. That reminds me- if you've ever played More Friends of Mineral Town, has it ever occurred to you that the bachelorettes might be hitting on Jill Harvest? As you get to know them better they start saying some pretty freakin' weird things. I think maybe the game designers forgot to change the girls' dialogue from Friends of Mineral Town (I can't be too sure, though, since I haven't got that one).
Grenfrie: Hooray, I got a review from the writer of the funniest Harvest Moon fic I have ever read! Guys, go read his fic "Krazy Kai", now! It's a lot funnier and more clever than mine. And I agree with you about the letters thing. And Harris…where DOES he live, anyway? Before he marries Maria, I mean. I've always wondered about that!
Footleeismysexysensei: This story makes you happy? Well, your reviews make me happy! And yes, if you have a child when you drive your wife away she will take him with you. No, you don't have to pay child support. Jack can get away perfectly fine with being a deadbeat dad. Somehow I don't think the legal system of Flower Bud Village is all that impressive. Oh! And it gladdens me ever so that you liked Cliff and Jack's conversation about the rock-throwing; it was one of those fell-out-of-the-showerhead inspirations. Heh.
Wolf McCloud-123: Oh m'gosh…I think you might have just written the biggest review in the whole of fanfiction history. AND THAT'S AWESOME! The more stuff to read, the better, I say! I, too, have Animal Crossing. It's great stuff. Mr. Resetti is actually kinda funny, I've always thought. Me and my brother would reset over and over again just to watch him piss off. Then again, we're both as lame as a couple of dead goldfishes being flushed down a toilet, so I guess Nintendo's attempts at getting cheap laughs from us works. Argh, and I hate Tom Nook. He's SO DUMB. Anywhose, I'm glad you like my stories that much…sniff…it warmeth ye little cockles of me heart!
Whoo, six pages. Damn, this thing is long. Anyway, I haven't got ANY of next chapter written yet, which is a bit unusual for me. But hopefully I'll still be able to have it up soon. OH! And I got Harvest Moon: MFoMT a couple weeks ago and I am totally obsessed with it. So as the story progresses, you can expect to see the plot grow from encompassing just the world of HM64 and reaching for broader horizons! Does that mean we'll soon be seeing, gasp, JILL Harvest? The Doctor? Muffy from A Wonderful Life? Heh heh…who knows?
Next: A Further Attempt at Spouse Retrieval