The Journey of the 200 Hundred dollar shirt.
shipping included
frantastic: Where have I been? Why haven't I updated "Say high to horror"? Ok shameless plugging aside, besides hanging out at the best Constantine board so say 4 out of five board members according to my watch hey its late its, been a busy time but some stories must be told. This is the story of John's 200 hundred dollar shirt. Surely such a man like that could not possess a mere ordinary, albeit expensive, shirt?
Rating: Some lite elf bashing I don't know why but it occurred to me that there might be some small group of people out there who weren't impressed by Legolas.
Note: I have no idea how shirts are made.
Giving reviews may or may not curse your shirts with softness.
It begins with a seed.
Several in fact because Constantine is a rather tall man and a single cotton seed would produce a shirt big enough for a dwarf hamster.
So it begins with a whole bunch of seeds. Just ordinary seeds CURSED WITH THE POWER OF SOFTNESS. But that's another tale for another time.
These seeds are planted one by one on the mountainside of an almost unnamed volcano. Almost because the locals called it Mount Doom cue thunder and lightning but then realized everyone would think that they lived in middle earth. Which would make them hobbits. Or worse elves.
The monks of the Holy Order of Natural Fibers really really hate elves but like to plant cotton seeds on the hillside of volcanoes.
Through the passage of time about 2-3 years the cotton are nursed carefully by the monks only to have entire crops ruined because it's a really really bad idea to plant anything on the hillside of an active volcano.
So the process begins again, this time on a hillside of the same volcano but only after the monks have appeased the Gods of fire.
Gods of fire can be appeased by three ways
1.Human sacrifice. An oldie but a goodie
2.Lots of riches, gold, pearls, diamonds and so forth
3.Milkshakes.
On the other side of the now full volcano swarms of legendary silk caterpillars are hunted down more ruthlessly than the last copy of the Double CD deluxe edition of Constantine.
Silk Caterpillars are grotesquely fat wriggly little insects. They move slower than my grandma and can be stunned by just shouting at them. So the ruthlessness put into hunting them can probably be put down to the monks pent up aggression over having to plant yet again another crop of CURSED WITH SOFTNESS cotton seeds. And they spilt some milkshake on the Holy Orders only copy of Constantine.
The bodies of these poor creatures are unceremoniously dumped into a boiling vat of cotton; which has been snatched by a novice monk attached to a hang glider from the field of cotton on the hillside of a milkshake feed volcano that the locals use to call Mount Doom.
The Monks of the Holy Order of Natural Fibers begin their chanting of magical chants for 4 hours straight before popping on a recording of the Best of Magical Chants as chanted by Bob Dylan Now available in Latin and gibberish and retiring to bed.
The mix of silk and cotton are shipped by bus to the invisible textile factory of Uh Huh Aha.
The dedicated workers of Uh Huh Aha after finally locating the building, work day and night to knit the piece of clothing. Only stopping to discard thread too inferior to be worn and for the occasional smoke break. The discarded threads go on to become the hankies of third grade school children, have no magical powers of softness and can only dream of what could have been.
The completed shirt is shipped by an actual ship over the waters and many seas somehow ending up in a Liverpool post box.
After much biting of teeth and yelling on an international call the shirt is correctly shipped at extra cost to a dark, funny smelling apartment on top of a bowling alley.
There it lies like a forgotten dragon in the sea or a shirt in a box because its intended wearer went off to India and didn't tell anybody.
Months pass by and finally destiny gets to pump her hand in the air in triumph.
The shirt is worn.
It is very white, almost as pale as its wearer.
It is very soft, as soft as its wearer is hard.
It is very expensive. The narrator would like to make a joke about how cheap the wearer is but dragons breath is bad for ones health.
Imbedded with the POWER OF SOFTNESS the wearer can now confidently exorcise demons in the knowledge that he looks a hell lot better than the poor possessed victim at his feet who must contend with having a demon inside them who does not appreciate the fine qualities that a silk/cotton hybrid shirt has.
1. Natural fibers breathe better.
2. And are environmentally friendly. If Silk caterpillars were not half heartedly or ruthlessly hunted down they would overrun the Mountain that used to be called Mount Doom
3. Demon slime just slide right off
4. Black suit + crisp white shirt genius
But they are unfortunately crap when faced with the power of Papa Midnite's wicked hot fingertips.
" Two hundred dollar shirt by the way."
Thus abruptly endeth the Journey of the 200 hundred dollar shipping included shirt.