Hi! A new chapter finally, sorry for the long wait. I hope you still enjoy this story and I would love if you told me in reviews what you particularly liked, what you maybe didn't like or what I can do better. Just to be clear: For the purposes of this story Callie didn't leave Seattle. I previously mentioned Arizona with Murphy and Minnick. Calzona split up and Callie worked elsewhere in the city for a while, but she's back at Grey Sloan now, even though she and Arizona currently aren't together. In this chapter I mention the case our hospital's surgeons worked on in later seasons, just like I used some cases in the previous chapters (like Katie Bryce from season 12) and also certain content regarding characters other than MerDer which I want to resolve. I mesh and adjust storylines from the show the way I see fit.

Chapter 24: A thousand suns

Meredith's POV:

Life goes on. It always does. The recovery after the placental abruption was long and harrowing, but 11 weeks after giving birth you return to work. You are long past worrying about Derek taking care of the kids without help. Anyway, his assistant Timothy helps him sometimes and Zola is old enough to do that too. Derek insists on being a full time dad, staying at home with his children. He was always caring but he amazes you now. He is very patient and attentive. Also really observant, maybe because his speech isn't the best, so he watches and listens to people more.

For a long time ferryboats made you sad. Because Derek loves them and in the months when he was lying in the hospital or in the rehab center more or less lifeless your heart always broke a little when you had to take the ferry (which was seriously horrible because ferries are necessary for transporting from your dreamhouse to the hospital and back). But they do not sadden you anymore. Instead standing on the deck and watching the horizon remind you anything is possible. Today you are riding the ferryboat with Alex. He's the head of peds now. He's older and wiser and the years look good on him. Every woman would be lucky to have him. But it seems like he cannot find what he really desires.

"Jo didn't accept my marriage proposal. It's...Frankly, I don't care," he says and you can tell it's the farthest from the truth.

"Okay," you try to smile at him reassuringly. "Alex, she will come around...she... "

"Meredith, that is bullshit. Doesn't fit you," Alex frowns.

Empty words again. You know. You feel horrible, but desperately want to reassure Alex somehow. "Sorry. You know I don't say it much...you were a jerk when I met you. But you are a great man now. Jo would be stupid not to marry you." Alex looks at the infinite blue horizon deep in thought.

Alex's POV:

You and Jo talked about having children. You thought she wanted the life with you. You very much want to be a father. But it seems it just isn't in the cards for you.

Being the head of peds you spend a lot of time with kids and you feel really great – like it's what you were born to do. Dr. Bailey is the chief now. She became the first female chief of surgery at Seattle Grace or Grey Sloan or whatever. You are oddly proud of her. Meredith moved to her position as the head of general, even though she cut back from her work a little since she has three small children. Amelia is the head of neuro, Maggie the head of cardio, Callie the head of ortho and she loves to say that this place is run by ladies, it's a 'ladyplace'. You don't know what they consider you then but you are good without that conversation. Anyway, the name isn't too accurate, because there're also Hunt in trauma, Avery in plastics, Parson in oncology and Hedder in urology. Jo is Meredith's star resident. She once wanted to pursue ortho, but she found out she feels great in general and has a real knack for it. Oh, you love her...but she infuriates you. She really does. Lot of the time you feel like you don't understand her and she doesn't fully let you in. How she imagines life with you then is a real mystery. And it makes you feel like she doesn't really, she's just playing with you. You hate that and you have to tell her. Right now she and other surgeons - Bailey, Callie, Meredith and Jackson are going to the military hospital nearby to perform a surgery on the cancer patient. They call themselves the "dream team" or something equally terrible.

Derek frequently consults on patients with traumatic brain injuries. He has the medical expertise and he can relate to them personally. At first you thought it might be hard for him, dealing with the difficult and often sad cases, but it looks like he really found himself in the job. He feels useful again and often makes people feel less hopeless. Honestly him and Mer are disgusting sometimes, but they deserve being all lovey-dovey after everything horrible they endured. It's kind of heartwarming to watch them after all. You want to be like Derek and Meredith with Jo one day. But you are sad just thinking about it because your relationship with Jo hasn't been looking good at all for a while now. You once found her drunk and half naked with DeLuca who was helping her or whatever, but you mistook it for him taking advantage of her and punched the guy. Jo never explained what was even going on. You don't think a relationship like that stands a chance.

Today is your day off so you are hanging out with Derek in his house. Though being around his and Mer's three amazing children doesn't help your longing for a kid and a married life with Jo at all.

"You're...quiet today," Derek says. His perceptiveness is annoying sometimes. Anyway, you were never a man of too many words. "What? Do you have a point?"

"Ok Alex. Don't...anger...just. Is e'tin okay? "

"Yeah... Everything is fine. Just...Jo," you don't wanna talk about it. You feel like sighing, but you just shrug.

Derek pats your arm: "Women are difficult."

You chuckle thinking about Mer: "Don't you know it."

One look and I can't catch my breath

Two souls into one flesh

When you're not next to me

I'm incomplete

Meredith's POV:

Today you, Bailey, Callie, Jackson and Jo are going to the hospital nearby to do surgery on Brian Carson, the patient with cancer. Callie dubbed you the "dream team", seriously. The surgery is very rare and difficult, but you have a solid plan. You explained it to Brian and he understands all the risks. Maybe because his oncologist Dr. Will Thorpe laid them out in detail and tried to convince him to go for chemo and radiation again. You really don't like the doctor. He's hesitant and at the same time very stubborn.

"The chemo will buy you a few years. But our way can give you a full lifetime," Callie says and Brian smiles.

"Listen, I've spent five tours of duty, all around the world. I missed the births of both my girls. I have another one on the way. I want the life I've been missing," you subconsciously put a hand on your belly where Ellis resided a short time ago. Derek almost missed her birth. You can absolutely relate to Brian and his motivations for the surgery. "If you can give me that... well, I'm all in."

...

You like Brian's attitude. However in the surgery you find out determination isn't everything. You're working on Brian for many long hours. The bone Callie wanted to use was was too friable. She had to take more of it to get good margins and now she's not sure there's enough bone to do the reconstruction. Callie is not sure how to proceed.

"Look, if we stop now, we're leaving him worse off than when we got him. He's not gonna survive the night," Bailey remarks.

That frustrates Callie more. "Ok... Stop. Stop it. Okay? You guys aren't telling me anything I don't already know."

She goes out saying she has to take some time to think and the Thorpe guy questions if she's even coming back. Of course she is.

"Good. Because he's been under for a long time," the man kinda annoys you but he has a point here.

"I've known Carson ever since the Medical Corps. He's a one-night stand for you."

"I'm sorry?"

"Look, you fly in, do a flashy surgery that'll make all the journals, and you're gone in the morning. And I'm still here to help him make sense of what you did. You're leaving him with one leg in the middle of his body. You say he'll walk again? How? How's that even gonna work? Not to mention how you're compromising his gastrointestinal system, his nervous system. He thinks you're giving him his life back, but what's that life gonna look like?"

"We'll follow up. Of course we will. Dr. Torres will be available," Bailey assures him. You cannot help it, you notice the guy has been looking at you weirdly all day. But you thankfully cannot think about it too much 'cos then Callie comes back with a new plan.

...
It lasts a few more hours. Callie removes the femur and then brings it over to fill the gap in Brian's bone. It fits perfectly and you are are able to attach his leg as planned. You close him, but as you all admire your handiwork, you cannot get over the feeling that everything almost went terribly wrong. You don't think you would be able to look into Brian's wife Danielle's eyes and say it was over. Jo looks really affected by the situation too.

As you leave the OR, you breathe out deeply: "Whew, we almost just killed that guy."

"Oh my God. Right? " Callie seconds. Dumb luck that he's alive, seriously.

You say goodbye with the promise you will follow up and Dr. Thorpe says something like "It was nice working with you. Well, I'd like that...to follow up with you."

You don't think anything about it, but then Callie says: "That guy definitely just asked for your number. Like, asked for your number. That's what flirting looks like." Okay, seriously? You are happily married. You gave birth a short time ago. There's no way you were sending him any signals and no way he finds you attractive. Surely he must have heard about your husband Derek Shepherd coming back from death. Maybe the information doesn't flow all that well in the army.

"I say we pretend we didn't hear it," you say when you sit in the car.

Jo's POV:

As you inform Brian's wife Danielle about the outcome of the surgery and what is gonna happen now, you sense your walls crumbling. You feel for the woman and you two really get along. And you want this with Alex, what Danielle and Brian have, what Meredith and Derek have. Three kids and being there for each other even in the worst of situations. Supporting each other no matter what. But you're so scared. Because of your ugly past and because of the danger you, Alex and other people around you could be in if the certain person found out where you were.

But Alex wants to marry you. He bought a ring and did this crazy sweeping thing of professing his love and proposing to you. Danielle's and Brian's case finally pushes you to tell Alex the truth.

'Cause I'm on fire like a thousand suns

I couldn't put it out even if I wanted to

These flames tonight

Look into my eyes and say you want me too

Like I want you

He is still offended you told him no and he avoids you at every chance. But you're not giving him one now. You get back to the hospital in the evening and you're taking deep breaths trying not to lose confidence. You are waiting for the elevator hoping to trap Alex in it. And somehow it works.

Alex is inside the elevator that stops on your floor. You get on it, Alex turns his back to you and after the doors close, you pull the emergency stop button.

"I'm married," you sigh without any preamble. It's time now.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

You really try to keep your voice steady. "I'm married. Since before I met you. I should've told you but I'm married...to a guy...who almost beat me to death and I can't divorce him because I ran away from him. And I'm not...Jo Wilson isn't my real name. That's why I couldn't marry you. That's how this whole thing started and I should have told you."

It is out. You look at Alex in fear.

"You're married." It is a plane statement, albeit a shocked one.

"Yes."

"And you didn't tell me?" Now Alex sounds hurt.

"I was scared. I..."

"Scared of what? Did you think I'd get mad? Mad at you for trying to get yourself..." No. You are dreading it, but you explain:

"Not at me. At him! I thought you'd wanna kill him. That you'd try something stupid and get hurt or killed or...you'd get in trouble and..."

"Wind up in jail." Alex finishes. And he almost did because of hitting Andrew. Andrew later decided not to press charges, but if it played out differently and he took it to court, you dreaded your past might come up. You really cannot hide it from Alex anymore. Because you love him and want to be with him, but your past keeps haunting you. You are scared Alex with his hot temper might do something stupid and you will lose him – the only man who ever really loved you. The caring, loving person who went through more than enough shit himself, but you still cannot tell him everything.

You told Danielle though. "I was seven weeks pregnant when my ex-husband cracked my ribs and threw me across the living room floor," you explained. You are not sure how it even came up. You hate to bother people with your problems and normally you'd never say it, especially to the patient's wife. But something in you just cracked. "I grew up in violent foster care homes until I decided to live in my car. When this with...him...happened...when he hurt me like that, I decided I couldn't bring a baby into my situation. At that time I also couldn't leave, he would probably kill me if I tried. "

"You had an abortion," Danielle surmised. And she was right. You didn't wanna keep this part of your past a secret but could never tell Alex and you still can't. He would make an amazing father. You just hope you can overcome all the horrible and be the mother to his children one day.

Oh, love, let me see inside your heart

All the cracks and broken parts

The shadows in the light

There's no need to hide

(Ross Copperman – Hunger)

Derek's POV:

You've been thinking about buying a dog for your kids for some time now. They've been wishing for it since previous Christmas at least.

"And you, young man? What do you wish for?" Santa at the Christmas market glanced at Bailey.

"I want a dog," he said and Meredith slapped her forehead with a sigh.

"Any specific kind of dog?" Santa asked.

"Big one. So he doesn't get lost in our backyard," Bailey replied logically.

(chapter 18)

You believe taking care of the dog would be a great learning experience for the kids, he or she would be a great friend for them and since you are at home now and not away at work you would really enjoy this companion too. Meredith finally decided to go with the idea and you are all visiting the shelter now to pick a dog. Ellis happily bounces in her stroller, stretching her arms to catch various things around her, preferably the dogs fur. Bailey and Zola are in their element too. In the end they fall in love with the brown furry guy, probably retriever for the most part. After the long stroking from all three kids and them purposefully positioning their faces for the dog to lick them, you clear everything up with people in the shelter, you put the dog in the car and as you are driving home (you are behind a steering wheel with everything adapted for hand-control, Meredith is still bouncing nervously sometimes, but she's slowly getting more comfortable with you driving again), Zola opens the book with dog's names she brought along and starts reading names from it aloud.

"I like Finn!" Zola happily announces. Yeah, it's a common dog's name, but you and Meredith both crack up.

"Se-rious-ly?" Meredith can't stop laughing.

"Sorry Zozo. It's just...a man we know...used to...know," you try to explain. "Give dog different name, please."

She then mentions a few more, but when she announces: "I like the name Happy," you think it's perfect.

"Bailey, Ellie, what do you say? Is our dog Happy?"

"Yeah!" "Wyaaa... "

The decison's made.

What do you think?