Title: No Need To Move
Author: vivere
Rating: M
Disclaimer:Not mine
Special Warning: Slash – if you don't like it - don't read it
Summary: It's not how it's supposed to be. Tony, Gibbs and a lot of emotional baggage.
Her body hits the ground with a soft thud. And it's all the noise he can stand.
He doesn't snap, doesn't scream. Just closes his eyes and lets the ensuing silence wash over him.
The smell of blood is rich in the air and he tries not to gag. He almost succeeds but he hasn't accomplished the art of fighting bile before and surely won't now. Not when all she ever smelled like were lilacs.
He repeats words in his head that were long forgotten. Or at least he thought he had forgotten.
Prayers?
It's all he can do not to panic.
-----
He finds himself here, of all places. He won't turn back now. Can't, really.
"No pain, no gain," that's what his father used to say, but he didn't listen then and now it's too late to figure out if there's a truth behind these words he hasn't grasped yet.
The door is cool beneath his fingers and his touch lingers in uncertainty. What little warmth there was leaves him as he expels a puff of air and knocks ever so lightly.
The sound is so gentle he doesn't even hear it but by some miracle, Gibbs does.
There is no need for him to say anything, really, because he is here now and that's what matters.
The door closes behind him with a soft 'click'.
-----
The smell of fresh bed sheets hangs in the air. The window is open.
A new day.
But the sunlight won't find him today.
-----
Take me away?
Three little words that could mean so much.
To where?
Anywhere but here.
The only answer he gets is the shifting of sheets as Gibbs pulls him close.
-----
It's not how it's supposed to be.
But it's all they have. All he has.
And no one wants to be alone.
-----
He won't be at her funeral. He knows and swallows.
-----
He finds himself clinging to a future that belongs to the past now.
-----
Nightmares become his friends.
First it's Kate, then Gibbs.
They're dead. He's alive.
He promises himself he won't sleep again.
-----
You have to stop doing this to yourself, Tony!
He can't remember if it's his or Gibbs voice that cautions him. He doesn't care, not really.
He makes rash decisions as they follow a suspect and acts surprised when she gets a drop on him. He knows he won't fight back, and then she's moving with a speed he doesn't quite expect. Knocks him into a wall and he almost kisses the pavement at the end of a long row of stairs.
He looks for a bruise that night and doesn't find one.
-----
It's his punishment. A kind of absolution.
-----
He shouldn't be doing this. Most of all, he shouldn't be doing this to Gibbs.
He's just a replacement for feelings he doesn't want.
And he thinks, one day he might not be able to leave.
-----
He tries not to think and makes sure to forget her name when he does.
-----
Everyone's worried.
He tells them to fuck off. No, he doesn't.
But he tells Gibbs to fuck him. As hard as he can.
Still, it doesn't hurt enough.
-----
He thinks of her when he comes.
Smells her, feels her, fucks her.
And it isn't enough.
-----
Life's getting grey around the edges.
And he feels himself slipping.
-----
He watches Gibbs sleep and wishes for a knife.
Shouldn't have been her that day.
Should have been him.
He leaves while Gibbs is still asleep.
-----
He used to have a way with words. Now they fail him like everything else.
He decides not to leave a message.
-----
He won't remember his last steps or even his last thoughts.
There will be only the smell of lilacs that lingered in the air when he says goodbye.
End