Summary: Olivia and Elliot lock lips in the heat of the moment, but have doubts about it once they see the chaos it inflicts when their co-workers and adoring public hear the story. Parody/One-shot.
Disclaimer: I own Carl the Crazy Custodian, but everything else belongs to the oh-so-lovely Dick Wolf.
Rated: T for some language and very mild sexual situations.
The Highly Anticipated, Utterly Superfluous, Not-So-Secret Kiss
By Quirky Writer
After another long night of continuous labor over a particularly nasty serial rape case, involving young women being sexually assaulted and then strangled outside of bars, Elliot and Olivia were dog-tired, and ready to retire for the evening. The office was practically deserted, except for a few others.
Olivia turned her desk lamp, and dumped a crushed Styrofoam cup that had held coffee a few hours ago, into the trash can.
"What time is it?" Olivia asked, barely concealing a yawn.
Elliot glanced at his watch "Twelve twenty."
Olivia shook her head, "These hours are killing me. I've got to get some sleep."
Elliot nodded in agreement. "I'm exhausted. But I doubt I'll get any sleep."
Olivia smiled ruefully. "I can sympathize."
Elliot pulled on his jacket, and was about to say goodnight to her, but then, abruptly, the lights turned out.
"God, doesn't anyone have common courtesy?" Elliot fumed, stumbling in the direction he thought the light switch was. "If the custodian wants us to leave, then he should just say so, not be a smartass."
"Watch out, I'm right here, don't step on me." Olivia said.
With an earth-shattering crash, Elliot tripped over Olivia's desk chair, his arms pin-wheeled and in desperation he managed to grab onto Olivia's arm, and the two fell in a heap to the ground.
"OWWWW!"
Elliot let loose a slew of curse words.
"Are you okay, El?" Olivia asked frantically. She was pretty sure she was on top of him, but it was pitch-black and she wasn't sure.
"I'm fine," He mumbled in a slightly strained voice. "Are you?"
"Yes, I think you took the brunt of the damage."
"Olivia, I'm sorry but you're suffocating me," He gasped.
"Oh God, sorry!" She crawled off him and sat on her knees, next to him.
"No, no, it's okay. Where are you?"
"Right here," She said, and found his hand, holding it in hers.
There was a pause.
"You're still on the floor." Olivia pointed out, trying to keep her voice nonchalant.
She felt like her insides were crumbling.
From the unexpectedly soft tone in Elliot's voice, it seemed he felt the same way.
"Yeah, I know. So are you."
There was another pause.
Elliot reached out for her, and his hand tenderly brushed her cheek. He kept it there. His gently thumb traced over her chin, across her lips.
"Elliot…."
In the darkness, their lips met.
The lights flipped on.
Carl the custodian, a very short man in his sixties who was bald except for the tufts of grayish hair that sprouted just above his ears and nowhere else, stood in the doorway, holding his mop, gaping at them.
Olivia immediately scrambled off Elliot, who in turn leapt up, leaning casually against the desk and staring innocently at the ceiling as if he had been there all along.
"..… Having a lil midnight fun, eh?" Carl asked wryly in his thick, oddly high-pitched Cockney accent.
Olivia's face turned bright red, while Elliot scowled at Carl, "Hey, back off. This was a..… a..… a fluke."
"Huh," Carl said bluntly. "Funny. If that was a fluke, then I'm sure second base would have been a total accident."
"HEY!" Elliot started after him, furious.
"Eeeeeep!"
Carl let out a girlish shriek, and ran out of sight, his short, quick footsteps echoing in the empty hallway.
"El, leave him," Olivia said, grabbing his elbow.
He turned abruptly, and their eyes locked.
At once, they both averted their gaze and blushed.
"Uh, look," Elliot began, uncomfortable, his eyes fixed on his shoes. "Maybe we should, uh….. keep this quiet. For the purpose of keeping things normal at work, you know….."
"Yes, I agree," Olivia nodded hastily. "That's a good idea. It didn't happen."
"Yeah. Never happened."
"Never, not once."
There was a long pause.
"….. It wasn't that bad, though," Olivia admitted quietly, almost to herself.
"….. No, it was pretty good….." Elliot mumbled.
"HEH HEH, HEH HEH!" Carl cackled wetly, appearing at the doorway again, pointing gleefully at them.
"You!" Elliot shouted and ran after him.
Olivia stood alone in the room.
"….. He thought it was pretty good," She whispered dreamily.
"– And they were, just lyin' there on the floor, like a scene in a bad porno movie," Carl said grandly, waving his arms. "Tongues flew! Clothes were strewn across the room! Hands all over each other! The desire in the room was so thick, it nearly choked me! And even when they saw me, they just kept goin' and goin' and goin', like two horny Energizer Bunnies!"
Carl observed the awed crowd listening intently, with a smug sense of triumph.
"The end," He crossed his arms.
There was silence.
"So…. They kissed." Munch said slowly.
"Uh huh," Carl nodded proudly.
"And they got it on?" Fin was sickened.
"Yessir, right about where you're standin'," Carl nodded.
Simultaneously, Fin and Munch took a few quick steps forward, glancing at the linoleum floor as if it was a biohazard.
"You know what this means," Munch said gravely to Fin.
Fin nodded solemnly.
"What?" Carl looked confusedly between the two men. "What does it mean?"
"It means hell on earth," Fin said.
"It means wild celebrations," Munch added. "It means headlines for newspapers. It means the biggest uproar since J.R. was shot on Dallas."
"….. Huh?"
"Fangirls," Munch and Fin said in unison.
"Fangirls?" Carl repeated blankly. "What'd they got to do with this?"
Munch chuckled wryly, "Oh, ignorance is bliss…."
"Now that Stabler and Benson have finally kissed," Fin said to Carl. "There's going to be a major uprising. The fangirls will swarm!"
"But…... why?"
"Because," Fin sighed. "They have sexual tension so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut through it."
"And that means that fangirls watch them in worship and awe, hoping that maybe they'll brush elbows or give some sort of clue that they're madly in love with each other," Munch said.
"But they never have…." Fin said dramatically. "…..Until now."
"Shut up," Munch said to him, pointing. "There's Olivia."
Sure enough, Olivia Benson strolled into the office, holding a mug of steaming coffee, and looking oddly cheerful.
"Quick! Hide me!" Carl whimpered, panicked.
"Why would we-" Munch started to ask, but Carl had already dived under the nearest desk.
Olivia waltzed over.
"Hello and good morning," She said brightly to her co-workers.
Fin and Munch exchanged glances.
She noticed their strange looks, and said, "What's the matter with you two?"
"Nuthin'," Munch said, sullen as a teenager.
Olivia raised an eyebrow. She looked between the two of them.
"You're acting really weird. Are you sure nothing's wrong?"
"Fine….. We're fine," Fin mumbled.
Olivia didn't seem convinced, but she decided to let it go, and walked by them towards her desk.
Fin looked at Munch, "Nuthin?"
"Shut up!"
A few minutes later, Elliot walked in, whistling in a most uncharacteristic way.
Fin and Munch exchanged another look.
Elliot gave them a smile and a quick, "Hello," and then walked past Olivia.
"Olivia," He said, graciously.
"Elliot," She responded casually. But her eyes glowed.
Huang walked in the office.
"What is going on?" He asked loudly. "Traffic was all backed up! Some maniac in an airplane is flying around with a banner hanging off its tail that says Elliot and Olivia kissed! People are dancing on top of their cars! It's sheer mayhem!"
"What!" Olivia raced to the window and looked outside.
Sure enough, a small, cherry-red airplane was circling and zigzagging across the sky, a long, white banner trailing behind it. The words BENSON AND STABLER KISSED! were emblazoned in bold black letters. And below the plane, at least a hundred people were dancing in the street, cheering, throwing confetti, and weeping in joy, blocking traffic, while non-SVU fans honked and waved their fists from inside their cars.
"Shit…." Elliot muttered, joining her. He paused, "I bet I could shoot it out of the sky. Go get me a harpoon gun!"
"Shut up, Elliot," She elbowed him. He turned around.
There was utter silence in the room. Each pair of eyes was on the two of them.
"…. You kissed?" Cragen was horrified.
"I don't know how it got out," Olivia breathed to Elliot. "I thought you drop-kicked Carl and locked him in the closet."
"I thought I did, too."
"Never," Carl said flamboyantly, suddenly emerging from under the desk, looking rather dusty. "Underestimate the power of a custodian. Especially one with a cousin who owns an airplane!"
"Why you little bast—" Elliot began, but there was a sudden pounding of footsteps and a rather disheveled Casey burst into the room. Her hair was mussed, her coat askew, her left high-heel was black and the other was blue.
"You kissed?" She screamed, pointing wildly at Olivia and Elliot. "Are you freakin' kidding me? You're both mine by right of fanfiction! Don't you know I'm bisexual and am secretly in love with both of you but can't force myself to reveal my true feelings because it kills the drama?"
"Get in line," Alex Cabot said, appearing out of thin air next to her.
The sight of the newly-resurrected Alex broke the reverie. Everyone started talking at once.
"At least they didn't have sex." That one was Fin.
"Are they going to get married?"
"What'll Kathy have to say about this?"
"What about Maureen and Kathleen and the rest of Elliot's kids?"
"Never mind that, what's Cragen gonna do?"
"I bet Olivia's pregnant!"
"I bet Stabler's kids are REALLY Olivia's!"
"…. Wait how's THAT supposed to work?"
"I don't know, but it's a fantastic plot twist!"
Olivia looked at Elliot, "El…. We can't do this."
The thought had already crossed his mind. "I know."
"I'm so sorry,"
"Don't be," He smiled at her. "Want me to handle this?"
"Have fun."
"HEY!" Elliot shouted. "Guys! SHUT UP!"
A hush immediately fell over the crowd.
"Thank you," Elliot paused. "Look…. I know everyone's excited about Olivia and I, uh….. kissing. But we've decided that we're not going to begin a relationship. It's just too complicated. So…. We're sorry, but you might as well forget about this kiss thing, because it's not going to happen again."
"Yesssss!"
Alex and Casey high-fived. Then they promptly disappeared from the story because their services were no longer needed.
Everyone else looked like children that had just been told there was no Santa Claus.
"But…. But… But…." They all mouthed.
"But you KISSED!" Cragen burst out suddenly.
"So?" Olivia said, now annoyed.
"So…. So…. So…." They gawked.
"You KISSED!" Fin shrieked.
"Look, we're not in love!" Olivia screamed. "So get over it!"
Before the office became total anarchy, the phone rang. Stabler snatched it up.
"Hello?" Pause. "Damn it. Where?" He grabbed a pen, and wrote something down. "All right. We'll be right there."
He hung up and looked at Olivia, his face serious, "We've got a fourth victim. I've got the address, let's go."
They grabbed their coats, and were out the door before anyone could object further.
When they finally arrived at the grisly crime scene almost a half an hour later, after carefully maneuvering around rejoicing SVU fans dancing in the street, Benson and Stabler got out of their cars and immediately saw a crowd of screaming, ecstatic fangirls and a few fanboys, jumping up and down, waving their arms, held back only by the yellow crime scene tape
"STABLERRRRR!" They shrieked manically. "STABLERRRRRRR!"
"Oh, God," He muttered.
"Glad I don't have any fangi—" Olivia began, but then the fanboys began shrieking wildly, brandishing giant color photographs of Olivia in lingerie,
"Oliviaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
"Damn it," She looked mortified. "How'd they get those?"
Meanwhile, the fangirls were trying to engage Stabler in conversation.
"You and Olivia should be together!"
"No, Elliot, marry ME! I'm easy!"
"Piss off, Mallory!"
"Aren't you and Olivia in looooove!"
"Your babies would be hot!"
"He's already HOT!"
"Oh my God, he's even hotter in real life!"
"Remember when he wore those glasses in 'Risk'? That was so hot!"
"Yeah, I basically crea—"
Benson and Stabler ignored them and kept walking. They found Warner inspecting the latest victim, the strangled corpse of a woman in her 30s.
"Any sperm? Blood or skin under her fingernails?" Olivia asked hopefully.
"No," Warner said. She paused. "So you guys aren't together?"
"Er, no," Elliot said. "So is there anything different from his last three murders?"
"Not really. So why not?"
"Huh?"
"Why aren't you guys together?"
"Because we don't want to be," Elliot said impatiently. "Now can we get back to the case?"
"BUT YOU KISSED!" All of the fangirls and fanboys screeched in one voice.
"So what?" Olivia shouted, desperate for this to be over. "Plenty of people kiss each other! That doesn't mean they're going to date or get married!"
"Exactly," Stabler said, glaring at the fangirls. "We're not in love."
The corpse sat up and said, "But you KISSED!"
And Olivia screamed.
Olivia woke up screaming.
"Liv," Elliot said, hurrying over. "You okay?"
Olivia raised her head and realized she was still at the office. She checked her watch – 12:34. She must have dozed off.
"Uh, Olivia…" Elliot gestured at his chin. "You've got some, uh…"
Olivia raised a hand to her face and felt a sizeable glob of drool clinging to her chin. Gross.
"Oh, thanks, Elliot," She said, hastily snatching up a tissue to mop up the drool. "And thanks for waking me up, too."
"No problem." He smiled.
She smiled back at him. Suddenly she noticed just how blue his eyes were.
"You know…. El," She said slowly. "I just had a rather strange dream. About you."
"Really." He said. It wasn't a question.
It was an odd thing, but unexpectedly, their faces seemed to be getting closer….. And closer….. Until –––––
Elliot woke up, emitting a loud yelp of horror.
The bedroom was pitch-black, and it was swelteringly hot underneath the sheets. Elliot threw them off, and sat up, panting. He felt disoriented. Where was he? He fumbled in the darkness for a light switch. His hand found the bedside table, and a lamp, and he turned it on.
The immediate brilliancy blinded him temporarily. He waited for his eyes to adjust.
A hand of unknown origin grasped his shoulder gently, massaging him.
"What's the matter, baby?" A voice, husky from sleep, inquired.
It wasn't Kathy.
Desperately afraid of what he might see, Elliot slowly turned around.
Quirky Writer lay next to him in the bed, propped up on a pillow.
"Elliot, what's the matter? You look terrified."
Quirky Writer jolted awake, her head jerking up so fast that she nearly cracked her head open on the low, sloped ceiling. On her laptop, there was forty-one pages worth of bbbgggbbbbfffbbbfffbbbgggbbbvvvvvbbbffffbbbbbbbbbbbbgggggggggggbbbfffbbbgggbbbvvvvvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbs on "The Kiss" as a result of using her keyboard as a pillow.
"Oh my God….." She groaned, rubbing her head. She couldn't believe what had just happened. "It was only a dream, thank God."
She glanced warily at her laptop, as if she expected for Elliot to jump out of it and attack her.
"That's the last time I watch seven straight hours of SVU," She shuddered. "Damn USA TV and their marathons….."
A/N: Yaaaaay! My first SVU fic! (claps hands in glee) There are so many drippy, sugary E/O romance fics around here, I thought I'd shake things up and parody it. And I had quit a nice time writing it, too. I hope you enjoyed reading it! R/R, you know the drill. Rate from 1 to 5, 5 being the highest.
Love,
Q.W.