Fear of the Future, Fainting, and A New Friend

by KatrinaVT

Remus finds an unlikely friend to confide in about his worries. Set during the Marauders' last year at Hogwarts.

Title: Fears for the Future, Fainting and a New Friend (1/1)
Author: KatrinaVT
Date of completion: 24th August 2005
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff
Time: 1978.
Rating: PG
Word count: 7055
Pairing(s): Sirius/Remus, James/Lily.
Characters: REMUS, Lily, James, Sirius, Peter.
Warnings/Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: The characters and the place all belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am making no profit from this at all. Sadly.
Summary: Remus finds an unlikely friend to confide in about his worries.

Fears for the Future, Fainting and a New Friend -- Or -- The Marauders and the Wench, and how the Latter makes up for the Formers' Lack of Common Sense

It was ten to eight in the morning in the Gryffindor common room and Remus was fumbling around at the tea tray, struggling to remember how to get hot water into a cup. So far he was doing a great job of pouring it over the saucer, the tray, the floor.

"Oh come on!" he sighed to himself, taking a breath and gripping the handle of the teapot to try to stop his hand shaking so much. This was ridiculous! He'd been shaking non-stop ever since he'd come back from the Shrieking Shack the day before. He was always a bit wobbly after turning but this was too much. It was a bit worrying to be honest.

Then again, he always slept most of the day away when he first returned to the school, but yesterday he'd decided not to. He had too much work to do; he couldn't afford to get any more behind in classes. It was important that he did as well as possible in his NEWTs.

Not that he stood any chance of getting employed anyway.

He bit his lip as he thought about it more. He couldn't stop thinking about it. James had such plans for his future, he was already talking about marrying Lily when they left school and they'd only been courting for half a year. Sirius of course would breeze through his exams, he hadn't exactly decided on a career for himself yet, but he'd surely get anything he wanted. Even Peter would be OK. But what future did he have? No matter how clever or nice he was, he knew the truth - no one would employ a werewolf. Dumbledore had spoken to him about this some time ago, saying that he would certainly struggle to find a job, and that he would have much difficulty keeping his condition a secret once he got out into the adult world.

It seemed awful. He probably wouldn't even be able to get any benefits, because he wasn't 'unfit' to work.

So his future looked like living at home with mum and dad until they died then living there by himself afterwards, living off whatever inheritance they had left him. Assuming it hadn't all been spent on looking after him in the time they were still alive. He couldn't bear the thought of it.

Of course, Sirius was getting a house in London from his uncle once school finished, and when Remus had voiced his worries to him, Sirius had only told him not to be silly and said he could come and live with him and it'd be fun. He hadn't had the heart to tell Sirius that he didn't want that, he'd just smiled and nodded, scared of hurting Sirius' feelings. Sirius would probably take it as a rejection.

It wasn't that he didn't want to live with Sirius, he loved the idea in fact. He just didn't want to live off him. His pride wouldn't allow it. He wasn't going to let himself become a charity case. He really wasn't. Even if he had to starve.

Which he probably would.

"Good morning, Remus!"

He flinched and nearly dropped the teapot as someone else came into the room behind him and greeted him.

"Hi..." he said quietly, not wanting to be disturbed. He didn't want an audience to watch him wallow in self-pity. He didn't want anyone to see him so shaky either. It really wasn't good. Maybe he should have stayed in bed a little longer? But he wasn't sleeping anyway. He rolled his eyes as he heard more people clatter down the stairs and into the room and his peace and quiet flew out of the window.

"Remus? You OK?"

"Hm?" He lifted his head as he heard a boy from two years below him speak to him. "Y-yeah... yeah, fine... thanks." But actually, he wasn't feeling so fine all of a sudden. The shaky feeling was getting worse. Oh no. He knew this feeling too well.

"OK, well... let me take that off you?" He felt the teapot prised from his fingers. "I'll make you tea. Go and sit down, you look a bit peaky."

"No, I'm fine." He insisted again, closing his eyes as a wave of sickly heat passed through him, knocking him off balance a little. He grabbed the edge of the table.

"Remus?"

He heard a female voice speak quietly at his side but he found he could only produce a whimper as an answer. A cold sweat was prickling all over his skin, and when he opened his eyes everything was blurred. Oh, yes, he remembered this feeling and he knew he had to sit down before he fell down. Sit down, head between knees, all that, then he'd be fine. He wasn't going to make an exhibition of himself in the middle of the common room, he was seventeen now. He made to stumble towards a nearby chair, then suddenly all the blood was rushing from his head and for one awful moment he thought he was actually going to...

"Grab him!"

... faint.

"Remus!"

He felt someone's arm under his back as the world tilted sideways away from him. Horrible feeling, that, being perfectly aware of one's surroundings but not being able to do anything to control one's body.

"Get him on the couch! Quick!"

He could only flop limply into the hands that caught him under the arms and by the legs to lift him, feeling his stomach roll over as he was moved through a sea of people and babbling voices.

"What happened?"

"Is he ill? Shall I get someone?"

"Just get him lying down."

"I'll get a teacher."

"No leave it for now. He'll be alright, let's get him to the couch."

"But..."

"Leave him alone."

He felt himself lowered onto one of the couches and a cushion was shoved under his head. He didn't dare open his eyes, everything was still spinning madly and he was sure he'd be sick if he saw the room moving.

"Put his feet up," the female who'd spoken to him earlier ordered whoever had caught him, and he felt his feet lifted onto the arm of the sofa. "Remus, are you all right?"

How totally humiliating! This certainly wasn't the first time this had happened, but it was the first time it had happened in well over a year. A couple of years ago it had been quite a regular occurrence after the full moon, when his body had been battling the dual onslaught of puberty and lycanthropy. He'd fallen down in classes many times, to be caught by James or Sirius as they'd grinned at each other over the top of his wobbling head in a 'here we go again' fashion.

"I still think we should get a teacher."

"I'm all right," he managed to say softly. He did not want a teacher. They'd insist he had to see Madam Pomfrey immediately, and he didn't want to miss any more classes. Besides, she was a fright, and he had to see enough of her as it was.

"Here's some sweet tea." That fifth year kid again, he thought.

"Put it on the table," said the girl. "He's not with it enough to drink yet."

"Moony!"

He forced his eyes open as he heard James' voice, and was greeted with the sight of many concerned faces crowding around the sofa. Oh dear...

"Bloody hell! What happened?" James shoved through the crowd and crouched at his side. "You OK, mate? You look a bit... green."

"He fainted," one of the boys in the circle said.

"Ah," James nodded.

"I did not faint," Remus said indignantly as he tried to sit up, but a hand pushed him gently back down.

"Well he..."

"...kinda lost consciousness."

"I did not!"

"He... um... swooned," the girl said with a soft chuckle.

He glanced above to see a grey skirt, and a white shirt, and then red hair in plaits. Lily was sitting on the arm of the sofa above his head and she was smiling sweetly at him.

"I did not swoon!" he insisted. Fainting was bad enough, swooning was ten times worse! Swooning was something young women in tightly strung corsets did in classic romance novels!

"Whatever you want to call it, I'm sure you did it beautifully, but you look sick." He felt James' hand on his shoulder. "D'you want to go back to bed?" He lowered his voice. "You didn't get much sleep after... er... y'know."

"I'm all right! Will everyone stop fussing!" He felt heat rising to his cheeks, and he heaved himself up into a sitting position, batting away any hands that tried to keep him lying down. He wasn't some damsel in distress! "I just went giddy for a moment, I'm OK now... oh!" He put a hand to his head as everything span again.

"Lie down, Remus," Lily said firmly, taking him by the shoulders and pulling him back. "Have one of these, it'll put your blood sugar level up." She reached in her pocket and pulled out a paper bag from Honeydukes.

"Hm?" He couldn't argue any further before a Swirly Strawberry was shoved into his mouth. He rolled his eyes and sucked on it.

"Do as she says, lie still," James told him, squeezing his arm before he stood up. "I'll get you a drink."

"He's got some tea there; I made it for him," the fifth year boy announced.

"Oh. Right." James stopped and crouched down at Remus' side again. "Well, I think everyone can carry on with what they were doing, we'll look after him now."

Remus turned his head towards the back of the sofa as he felt himself colour up even more. So embarrassing! All this fussing! At least James was getting rid of them.

"Come on, the show's over. I'm sure you found it all very entertaining but let's give the poor guy some privacy now," James said caustically. "Clear off."

"Still think I should get a teacher..." Remus heard as the people slowly moved away.

"Oh, Moony," James sighed with a smile once they were alone, shoving Remus' hair into his face. "What are we going to do with you?"

"Feeling better?" Lily asked him, gently petting his hair back from where James had pushed it into his eyes.

"I think so," he whispered, instinctively leaning into her hand. He had to admit, it was quite nice, kind of motherly, but he was still embarrassed and annoyed with all the fuss everyone was making about it. He fainted... swooned... whatever. It was no big drama.

"Have some tea then."

Lily took the cup from the table and Remus pushed James away as he tried to help him sit up. He could sit up by himself now, but he didn't dare lift himself any further than up onto his elbows in case his head span again. He took a sip as Lily held the cup, concentrating on not choking on the sweet that was still in his mouth.

"Remus!"

He coughed with surprise as he heard Sirius call his name, and he looked up to see him tearing across the common room towards him. Oh great, more fussing!

"Remus, what happened!" Sirius nearly shoved James aside to sit beside him. "Someone said he fainted!" He grabbed Remus' hand and held it tightly, looking horrified and whiter in the face than Remus himself.

"He didn't faint, he swooned," James told him with an amused smile, patting Remus' knee. "He's OK now, aren't you Moony?"

"Yeah." He took the tea off Lily (with the hand Sirius wasn't clinging to) and drank some more. In truth, he still felt rather shocking, but he didn't dare to say so. They'd have him off to Madam Pomfrey before he could say 'chocolate coated strawberry fudge'. No one ever used to fuss this much when he was younger, why now? Probably because he hadn't done it in so long. It was a 'new' drama again.

"You've been overdoing it," Sirius told him, his brow creasing into a frown, and he pressed the back of his hand against Remus' forehead to check his temperature. "I said you'd make yourself ill."

"Oh, I have not made myself ill!" Remus pulled his hand away. "I got dizzy for a moment. I probably need something to eat, and then I'll be fine."

Sirius snatched his hand back into his own lap, looking hurt. "You don't look fine," he said, reaching up again to stroke Remus' hair back from where it had fallen of it's own accord into his face.

Remus batted his hand away, inclining his eyes towards Lily to tell Sirius not to do that in front of her, but he didn't look at all bothered, he just shrugged.

"You look like death warmed up," Peter said from the end of the sofa. Where had he come from!

"Thanks for that, Wormtail." James shot him a glare.

"He's right though," Sirius said, the frown between his eyes deepening. "Go back to bed for a bit."

"Have a sweet," Peter thrust a bag of All-Flavour Beans at him. "Blood sugar and... all that." He smiled, looking proud to know what he was talking about.

Remus sighed and stuck his tongue out at him to show him that he still had half a swirly strawberry in his mouth.

"Bed, Moony," Sirius said firmly.

"You haven't done that in a while, have you?" Peter said, withdrawing the bag of sweets and eating some himself. "Fainted, I mean."

"No, I haven't, thank you for pointing that out," Remus replied shortly, slapping at Sirius' hands that had just grabbed him by the arms to pull him up from the sofa and no doubt back up the stairs to his bed.

"Peter, you can't eat jellybeans for breakfast," Lily said with a smile.

"Why not?" he shrugged with a grin.

"Because you'll get even fatter than you've got over the last year," James said, making to snatch for the bag of sweets, but Peter pulled it back in time.

"Want one?" he offered the bag to Lily.

"No thanks." She smiled at him and shook her head, glancing at James in a way that said 'lay off'.

"Remus, you've got to lie down," Sirius tried to haul him up again, looking anxiously towards James as if for support. "Please."

"I have been lying down!" Remus pulled out of his grasp. "I can't go back to bed; I can't miss any more lessons."

"It's only Charms first thing," Peter said.

"Padfoot's right, you should go to bed," James said. "Really, you look awful."

"Thanks."

"We'll bring you some work if you really want, OK?" Lily told him, seeming to understand his worry a little better than the friends who knew the reason for his worries.

"I can't afford to miss class again!" He swatted at Sirius as he started to lift him again.

"You can't afford to make yourself ill either," Sirius said, sounding angry. "Now go back to bed."

"Don't you order me around!"

"Remus, you really should," Lily insisted. "Just for an hour, it won't hurt. I'll make notes for you. It won't hurt just to miss Charms; we're not doing anything majorly important today, just going over stuff."

"He needs more than an hour!" Sirius argued. "He needs all morning! He shouldn't have gone to classes yesterday."

"I do not need all morning!" Remus disagreed, resenting the way they were talking about him over the top of his head as if he wasn't even there. "And even if I did, I can't!"

"Moony, all the teachers know about your... um... health problems," Peter said with a nervous smile. "They won't mind."

"That's not the point!" Why couldn't they try to understand! "I can't miss any more lessons! It's fine for all of you; you're all really clever!"

"I'm not." Peter offered him another small smile.

Remus scowled at him. "But at least you can get to all your lessons."

"And you're still cleverer than me," Peter said encouragingly. "You'll do OK."

"But I don't want to do 'OK'! I need to do really well!" He suddenly wished that Lily wasn't there. He couldn't talk about this in front of her, and she seemed decidedly uncomfortable perched up there quietly.

"Moony, don't get yourself so stressed about these NEWTs," Sirius said, taking his hand again. "There isn't any point."

"Why not!" he snapped. "Because I'm not going to get anywhere in life anyway?"

"He didn't say that..." James sighed.

"But you all think it, don't you?" He sat up properly, flushing with anger and feeling his eyes sting with tears. "You think I'm wasting my time studying so hard because I'll never get a job anyway!"

"We're just concerned about you making yourself ill," Sirius said quietly without looking at him.

"Bollocks!" He glared at all three of them, shaking again, but with pure anger this time. So they were all finally showing what they really thought. "You think I'm wasting my time, come on, admit it!"

"Remus, calm down." Lily put a hand against his back. "I don't think anyone means that."

"Oh, don't you?" He turned to look at her crossly, and snapped at her before he could stop himself. "Well, that could be because you don't know what we're talking about!"

James glared at him, tensing. "Hey, there's no need to take it out on her!" he shouted

"It's all right," Lily said, raising a hand to silence her boyfriend. "Be quiet now, all of you. Drink your tea, Remus."

He stared down at his cup as he sipped from it, avoiding the eyes of his three friends as they glanced at each other and at him. Sirius felt tense beside him. He hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, but Sirius didn't understand. None of them did. They were all in the mind that they'd look after him once they left school, and none of them could see why he wouldn't want that.

And he hadn't meant to snap at Lily, but she made things so difficult sometimes. She was a part of their group now, sort of, and she didn't know their secrets. He couldn't talk openly, and feel comfortable with her around.

He liked her, he just wished there was an easy way to tell her everything. Maybe she'd be more understanding than his male friends.

Then again, maybe she'd hate him forever and it'd mess things up between her and James. Did she even know that her boyfriend could turn into a stag at will? It wasn't his place to say.

Even so, he suddenly found himself wanting to tell her everything, just so it wasn't a secret hanging heavily over him anymore. He felt tears stinging in his eyes, and blinked them away quickly.

"Remus?" James gently touched his knee. "We didn't mean that, really, we're..."

"Concerned about me," Remus whispered. "I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you." He bit his lip to stop himself wanting to cry.

"We all get stressed and snappy sometimes," Peter said with yet another one of those nervous smiles of his. "It's OK, we forgive you. We all know you've got a vile temper."

"I still don't see why it should all be such a problem," Sirius sulked.

"Because it is!" Remus sighed. "None of you even want to understand my point of view!"

"We do," James told him. "We only want you to know that you have always got us, and none of us are going to see you living in poverty. Whatever we do when we leave here, we'll always be together, it'll always be the four of us." He smiled up at Lily. "Well, five of us. The Marauders and the wench."

She glared at him, and Remus found a smile. "But it won't be," he whispered, looking plaintively at James, then glancing sideways at Lily.

"Yes, it will be," James nodded and looking very meaningfully at him. "Anyway, I don't know about anyone else, but I want some breakfast. Remus, you sit there for a bit then catch up with us, yeah?" He stood up and hauled Sirius to his feet by the sleeve. "Can you stay with him for a bit, Lily, make sure he doesn't do anything daft?" He leaned towards her to plant a small kiss on her mouth.

"Huh?" She looked confused but nodded. "Yes, of course I will."

"Peter," James beckoned to him. "Breakfast?"

Peter moved slowly off the sofa. "If he's OK?"

"He needs a bit of peace and quiet," James said. "And I'm starving. Come on."

Remus stared at him, aghast. James was leaving him alone with Lily; he was expecting him to tell her! He couldn't possibly!

"I'll come with you," he said, shifting to stand up. "I'm hungry too." In truth, any appetite he'd got had just abandoned him.

"No, sit here for a bit," James said. "We'll bring some food up for you after. I'll tell Professor McGonagall that you're not feeling well."

"I'm sure everyone's heard all about it already," he muttered, blushing again.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Lily said. "You can't help it if you're not feeling well. If anyone says anything it's just because they have nothing better to do."

"I don't want you going to lessons if you still feel bad," Sirius said, waggling a finger at him like he was someone's mum. "You'll just make yourself more ill and then you'll miss more classes in the long-run. That's all I wanted to say earlier."

Remus forced a small smile. "I'll see how I feel," he said, having no intention of missing any lessons that day, but if it got Sirius off his back for a bit, he could easily lie.

"OK," Sirius nodded, seeming very reluctant to leave, but James was already dragging him away by the sleeve. "We'll see you in a bit then."

"Drink your tea, Moony," James grinned at him. "See you both later." He blew another kiss at Lily as he shoved Peter to walk in front of him and gave Remus a more encouraging smile, and mouthed 'Tell her.'

Remus watched as they left the room. Everyone in the house must be at breakfast now, and he and Lily were the only ones left in the common room. He drank more of his tea, trying to ignore her presence as she moved to sit on the sofa beside him and fiddled with the end of one of her pigtails.

"I think James wants you and I to talk," she said after some amount of silence, then after just as long a length of silence, she added quietly: "You don't really like me, do you?"

"What?" He turned his head to look at her. "No, I do like you! Where did you get that idea from!"

"You seem distant when I'm around," she said, looking down at her hands in her lap. "Like you resent me being in your group of friends."

"No!" he cried, putting his teacup down on the table. "No, it's nothing like that. I do really like you, it's just... There's... oh, things they know that you don't know, and I feel weird about it, that's all. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression I didn't like you, I honestly do. And I'm really glad you and James are together, he's changed since he's been with you, for the better, I mean."

She glanced up at him, seeming nervous now the others had left. "And you can't tell me these things?"

He shook his head.

"Why not?"

"Because... ah, I don't know how much James has told you about... stuff."

"Stuff?" she smiled mysteriously. "If this is about you and Sirius being a couple, I know about that."

His eyes widened. How the heck...? "You do!"

She nodded. "James and Sirius told me a while ago. Sirius wanted me to know."

"Oh..." So that was why Sirius had been quite happily petting him in front of her. Still felt a bit weird, mind. And why had he told Lily without talking to him about it first? Was she that good a friend to Sirius suddenly? He felt ashamed to feel a pang of jealousy at the thought of Sirius discussing things with James' girlfriend that he couldn't discuss with his own... er... boyfriend. He shook the feeling off and tried to think positively about it. At least it saved him the job of telling her. "And... you're OK with that?"

She made a tutting noise and grinned and shook her head at him. "Of course I am! You're my friends. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. Silly." She nudged him affectionately. "Anyway, I reckoned from the fifth year on that Sirius was bent." She gave a very soft, girlish little girl. "I thought for a while that he and James had something going on."

"Sirius and James!" Remus spluttered with laughter then grew serious again. He could laugh about that later, and mercilessly tease them about it, but right now he was too worried. "But, I didn't actually mean that. I mean, that was part of it but... not the main part of it."

"So what is?" She reached up to stroke his hair, as if she knew how much he liked it. Or figured out already, girls are like that. "Remus, you can tell me anything. I want you to trust me. I won't tell anyone anything that you tell me in confidence."

"I do trust you," he sighed, reaching for his tea again, just to have something to hold onto and distract himself with. "But... it's really difficult, hardly anyone knows. And I might give something else away and James might be mad at me for it."

Lily looked at him closely as he stared into his cup. "There's no secrets between James and I," she said, shifting over to sit nearer to him. "Please tell me, Remus."

"OK..." He took a deep breath. Test the water first, see how much she already knew. "Do you know how we got our nicknames?"

"I know he's an Animagus, yes, if that's what you're asking me, and that he takes the form of a stag. I've seen it." She smiled fondly at some memory that Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to know about. "He didn't say anything about the rest of you, but I assumed you can all take the shape of animals?"

He nodded, swallowing hard. Now this was getting into deep water, and he could never swim that well. "Sort of, yes."

"And Sirius... Padfoot... a big black dog?"

He nodded again.

"And Wormtail?"

"A rat."

"And Moony?" she looked intently at him.

"I..."

She took the teacup off him and took both his hands in her own. She couldn't know how difficult this was to say, but he felt like she knew already, and was slowly trying to draw the truth out of him. James had told her and she was pretending otherwise to save his pride.

"I'm a..." He'd never had to say it out loud. The teachers had all been informed by Dumbledore, his friends had worked it out themselves. It felt awful to say it, like it was something disgusting. Worse than the potential 'Mum, Dad, I'm gay' that he'd have to face sooner or later. He found he was shaking again. "I'm a... a... " He couldn't catch the small sob that escaped his lips as tears sprang to his eyes and he whispered. "A werewolf."

He hardly dared to look up at Lily, but she made him make eye contact with her.

"And you think I didn't already know that?" she smiled, squeezing his hands. "Oh, Remus..."

"He told you, didn't he?" he said, pulling one hand free to wipe away the tears that ran from his eyes. "James told you."

"No, he didn't." She put her arm around his shoulders. "I worked it out for myself a long time ago. I checked your periods of absence against the lunar calendar because I was noticing a pattern in it. I've never said anything to James about it in case I was wrong. I only asked him about your illness, and he said it was something you had to tell me yourself."

Remus stared at her, and sniffed, then found himself weeping freely. "Then other people must have worked it out too!" The relief at Lily being all right about his condition was drowned out by the horrid realisation that it could be so easily figured out. Everyone must know by now!

"No doubt some have... Oh, Remus, don't cry! If anyone's worked it out, they won't dare to say anything. It won't matter to the people who like you."

It was the people who didn't like him that he was more bothered about. "Severus Snape knows," he blurted out. "He saw it..." He covered his face with his hands and sobbed as the vague memory of that night came back to him. He couldn't tell Lily about that, she'd think badly of Sirius for it. "He'll surely blab about it at the end of the year, he's only keeping quiet because Dumbledore ordered him to, but he'll tell when he has nothing left to lose." Remus was sure about it, and then all the people who'd liked him and respected him, would hate him.

"He's too gutless to say anything." Lily rubbed his shoulder to soothe him, and to his surprise she didn't press the Snape matter anymore. "Remus, where do you go when... that happens?"

"The Shrieking Shack," he told her with a sniffle. "There's a tunnel under the Whomping Willow that leads to it. I sneak out through there every month and stay at the Shack until the moon changes."

"The Shrieking Shack?" Her green eyes widened. "But it's..." she blinked as something sank in. "No, of course it's not, is it?"

He shook his head. "The noise people hear is me. Dumbledore built that house before I came here, and spread around that it was haunted to keep attention away from me. I used to injure myself when I was cut off from humans." He scratched a faded scar on his arm as he thought about it. He hadn't injured himself since his friends had been with him at that time of the moon, but his body was still covered with the marks of many self-inflicted wounds.

Lily hugged him tighter.

"James and that know because... well, that's why they became Animagi, to keep me company," he explained in a whisper, in case anyone should be trying to listen. "A werewolf won't attack anything that's not human, of course, so they learned how to do it for me. They sneak out under James' cloak..."

"Cloak?" she frowned.

"He has an invisibility cloak."

"Does he now?" she said. "I didn't know that."

"Oh." Why hadn't James told her about that? Probably because he'd used to it to sneak into her dorm and spy on her in her underwear on more than one occasion.

"But yes, they sneak out under his cloak..."

"And Peter's small enough to freeze the tree when he's a rat, so... they can come after me and keep me company." He didn't think it was a good idea to tell her about all the mischief they got up to, and how they left the Shrieking Shack and roamed about in their respective animal forms, at least not until they left school. "James got the idea in the second year, as soon as they found out about... about me."

"He would," she smiled.

He sniffed again and routed in his pocket for a tissue to blow his nose. "We have great fun when we're like that, and I'm not dangerous when I'm with them but what's going to happen after we leave here?"

"So that's what you're so worried about?"

Remus nodded. "My parents have a really big cellar, they put me in there when it happens in the summer holidays and that. But I don't know what I can do once I finish here. I'm scared about staying with my mum and dad. Last summer holidays I managed to break down the door of the cellar and got out and tried to attack my mother, I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Sirius was staying there at the time, and luckily he heard and ran down the stairs and transformed and fought me back." He shivered. "He's still got a massive scar across his arm from my claws."

"Do you mind me asking how you... came to be like that?" Lily asked carefully.

"A werewolf bit me when I was eight," he said with a heavy sigh. "I don't want to talk about that now, it's not important." He couldn't get it out of his mind now, how he'd broken out of the cellar. The memory was still fuzzy to him, slightly less than the memory of Snape in the tunnel, and that was a horrid enough thought, but he could have killed his own mother! "It's terrifying! I mean, Sirius wants me to come and live with him, he's getting a house off his uncle, but where will I go when I transform? It's in the middle of London, I won't even be able to get to the countryside. It won't be safe. So I have to stay with my parents, and I want to be with him."

"Well, that's simple enough, isn't it?" Lily found a tissue in her own pocket and wiped Remus' tears with it. "Just make sure Sirius gets a house with a cellar."

"But I want to be able to work but I won't be able to..."

"You might. There are plenty of people like you who've been bitten by accident and are perfectly lovely and normal. They're working on cures all the time."

He'd been hearing that since he was a child and no one had got any closer to finding a cure than they had nine years ago. "They won't," he sighed. "I get so sick of people trying to hearten me like this. I know you all mean it for the best, but... no one really understands. I don't stand any chance of getting anywhere decent in life. No one will employ someone like me, it won't be like school, I won't be able to keep it a secret! People will think I'm a Death Eater or something! No one will ever trust me."

"Remus... it's a horrid thing to say," Lily said gently, "but, as you said, sooner or later the truth will come out, and... well, you're a great person, and you'll just have to work extra hard to prove that to people. Maybe it would be better if you were honest about it. Not here, but when you leave. People won't have a reason to mistrust you then, will they? You have nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault you're like this."

It was a great sentiment, but like everyone else, she just didn't understand how impossible things were. Even if he was completely honest, he still wouldn't be trusted. He'd be feared, or worse, he'd be pitied.

"The people who matter trust you," she said, pulling back a little to look him in the face, "and we'll always love you and want you around."

Again, a great sentiment that he could never see coming true. "But when you and James get married and have kids and all that..."

"Slow down!" she laughed. "We've only been together half a year!"

"But I know you will," he smiled.

"Well, maybe we will. I'd like to. But why do you think we won't want you around?"

He lifted an eyebrow at her. She really wasn't thinking right about this. "You'd let a werewolf near a baby?" He shivered again at how his mum had struggled to get away from him before Padfoot had leapt between them that night. A child wouldn't stand a chance.

Lily sighed and looked at him like he was being very silly. "Not at the full moon, obviously," she said, "but when we do have children I certainly want them to know you." She hugged him tightly. "Remus, you're one of the loveliest people I know. James and I will never think any differently of you. And even if we have kids, if you're in trouble we'll always be there to help you out."

"But that's not the point!" He pulled away from her with a frustrated sigh. "I want to be independent, I want to live off my own earnings, not Sirius, or his uncle, or my parents, or you and James, or anyone. And Sirius takes it like a personal insult when I try to explain this to him!"

"Oh, he's just trying to be the Alpha Male, wanting to look after you," she grinned, sitting back, then she said more seriously. "He probably feels like he's failing you if he can't make you happy. If you want, I'll talk to James about it, and I'll get him to see your point of view, then I'll get him to talk to Sirius about it. He'll take notice of James."

Remus didn't see that it would make any difference who spoke to Sirius about it. He was being so stubborn, and James would never understand either. "They just see it as fun, the four of us being animals together and that... It is fun, but it's easy for them, they have a choice!" he scowled, feeling uncharacteristically bitter towards his friends. "I think they sometimes forget how awful it is for me, how painful it is for me to transform. And they don't even think about what sort of life I'll have when we leave here."

Lily looked closely at him for several moments before she spoke again. "I think everyone is worried about their own life when they leave here."

He snorted. "But they'll be fine."

"Will they?" she asked him. "James has a lot of hard, dangerous work ahead of him, so do I."

"You chose that," he quickly reminded her.

"Even so, he's worried about it. And Peter's worried about not being all that bright, and being pushed out because of the group being made up of two couples and him now."

He blinked at her. "He told you that?"

"No, but wouldn't you feel that way if you were him?"

Remus shrugged. "I suppose," he murmured.

"And Sirius..."

"Sirius is sorted," he said quickly.

"Is he, Remus?" Lily was looking at him now like he was being totally unreasonable. "So he has a rich uncle who's giving him a house, and is clever enough to take any job he wants, but knowing him he'll loaf around until his luck or money runs out. That's fine, but his family has disowned him, and I know he says he doesn't care but I really think he does. And he wants to look after you but you won't let him."

"It's a matter of pride!" he argued, starting to feel annoyed at Lily now.

"And he has his pride too, so let him fuss a bit now and again, hey?" She smiled at him, squeezing his shoulder. "I think he wants to make a new little family for himself, out of you. He loves you very much, and he wants to make sure you're happy. He's not being deliberately insensitive, none of them are, they're just all too worried about their own futures to think too much about yours."

"I'd never looked at it like that," he said, sighing deeply as his anger seeped away. "I hadn't thought about how they might be feeling, but I don't want to be alone with my worries." He was well aware of sounding utterly selfish, and he felt quite awful for it. He could see what Lily meant, one's own problems were always the worst and most important. "If I can't turn to them, who can I turn to?"

Lily shifted closer to him and hugged him tightly again. "You can always talk to me," she said, petting his hair again. "I know we're not best friends or anything but... If you need me, for anything at all, I want to be there for you. I can't do anything cool like turn into an animal, and I certainly don't want to get up to half the things you four get up to, but I do want to be a part of your friendship... as well as a girl can. So, if you've got a problem you can't talk to them about, come and talk to me."

"Really?" he sniffed, leaning into her arms.

"Yes!" she laughed softly and squeezed him.

"OK." He smiled and returned the hug. "Thanks."

"Good." He felt a sweet kiss land on his cheek before Lily pulled away from him and stood up. "Breakfast, then?"

He nodded, wiping his tears away on the back of his sleeve, then he blew his nose with the tissue Lily pressed into his hand. "Yeah, breakfast sounds good." He stood up, swaying a little, but he caught his balance again quickly. "Hope we're not too late."

"They'll have saved some for us," Lily said, linking her arm through his in a friendly way that was obviously just to make sure he didn't fall down again, but at least she was being subtle about it. "Let's get some food in you before you keel over again," she smirked at him.

"I don't plan to," he said, letting her lead him out of the common room. He felt quite a bit better now, and his appetite had returned. He probably would be well enough to go to classes once he'd eaten something. He could tackle Sirius' fussing better on a full stomach, too.

"Hey," Lily said. "Does this mean I can call you Moony?"

He laughed. "Of course you can!" He had a new best friend, who knew everything, and still liked him. It didn't take away his worries, and it wouldn't make any difference to his future, but right then, at that very moment, it made all the difference in the world to him.