CHAPTER 4: THE INVISIBONIANS

"You know, maybe you should do something about those Darth Vader hallucinations," McKay said, starting the chapter with some thoughtful conversation as they descended down towards the 'vacation area' of the Wraith planet.

Sheppard, on the other hand, thought the chapter didn't need to open with pointless dribble and believed that it should begin right where the action starts. Furthermore, he felt just fine with his Darth Vader hallucinations.

"Darth Vader might just save our asses one of these days, so don't threaten him again," he warned with a wave of his hand, which should have been on the pilot handles.

McKay's face contorted –a compilation of confusion, frustration and bursting anger tangling up to such extremes that it just comes out as this choked up "GAHHH!" expression. He turned to look at Teyla but she was purposely staring at the back wall, pretending she wasn't hearing any of it.

"What?" Sheppard looked at him. "Why you looking at me like I'm crazy?"

Pause.

"Did you not even hear yourself? I mean…" McKay tried to shake it off and relax. But then he realized he was landing on a Wraith planet to have a vacation. He moved from the complicated strangeness of Sheppard to the complicated paradox of the mission.

"It looks like we have been taken to a public landing pad of some sorts."

"Yep."

"Yep…"

Our action-packed team nervously left the puddle jumper and stepped on to Wraith soil. If they had Wraith soil. We could call it, Wraith concrete, instead? Because they were standing on a large circular landing-pad, as Teyla just told you! So I don't see why I have to reiterate it! It had lots of graphed designs painted on it, signifying that it was a wonderful vacationers parking lot – at least that's what we are guessing, because Sheppard's team didn't read Wraith. And neither do I, so you're plum out of luck.

A few other grotesquely bulky spaceships occupied the other designated spots and the two little Wraith escort ships stood nearby. The Wraith who occupied them were now walking straight towards them.

"I feel wrong just standing here, you know? Watching them walk towards us," McKay pointed out.

Sheppard nodded. "I know what you mean. I'm just so used to letting them have it with my P-90. I can't tell you how hard it's been not to take aim."

"You are taking aim," Teyla flashed him eyes of warning.

"Like I said, it's been hard."

"Invisibonians, here are your permits," The first one said with an unpleasant growl, thrusting three neckbands with cards towards them. He was not at all as friendly as Betty the Wraith.

The second one growled and looked them up and down. I can only describe them as being the first one or the second one, because honestly? What different features could I differentiate them by? They all look the goddamn same!

"You don't look like Invisibonians," he growled.

"How do you know, you've never seen one before!" McKay started.

"You look like…the Earth humans…from Atlantis! Sheppard and his stupid team. But we killed them, destroyed Atlantis…how could that be?" A deviously devilish grin came over the Wraith.

"That's why we look like them," Sheppard sighed, as if bored by the whole affair.

The Wraith took this as though he were missing something and uttered a "What?"

"Well, it's no good taking on physical form of people that still exist, is it? Don't you think it's a little rude? Impersonating people that are still out there? Using their image and their name? That's so completely rude. In fact, I don't think we want to vacation here – and we'll tell all the Invisibonians in our galaxy not to bother with your –"

"Ahrhg" The Wraith said.

"Snarling at us won't make it better, goodbye." Sheppard turned around and began to walk back towards the Jumper. Teyla and McKay followed; mostly because they felt that standing there gawping at the two looming (and drooling) Wraiths was very unpleasant.

"Wait!" The second Wraith called out with much resistance and reluctance. "I'm sorry."

Sheppard froze and turned to stare at the Wraith.

"What?"

"I would kill you!" The Wraith added. "But you're Invisibonians with permits, and you must enjoy your holiday in our holiday capital, WRAITHLAND! MY PARTNER, LESTER, WILL TAKE YOU TO YOUR HOTEL!" The volume on his voice rose to incredible volumes by the time he had finished that sentence, so that McKay was covering his ears.

"Why are you yelling at us?" McKay complained, as they started their walk towards a shiny silver dome. Stretched beyond it, twisting towers of hotels glimmered under the sparkly blue atmosphere shield that contained the planet. Everything had nice bright colours, you see, with firework shows going off every hour, to make up for the grumpy Wraith faces. When you saw a grumpy Wraith face, all you could think was "my god, everyone is so unhappy here, why the hell am I vacationing here?" But, then you look into the dazzling display of architecture, landscape and fireworks and go "WOWEE!" And your ugly Wraith problem is forgotten. I imagine that's why they created those strange scrambled-looking masks to cover their faces, though, I think we can safely conclude that they really lost the point on that one.

"BECAUSE IT MAKES ME ANGRY TO LOOK ON YOU AS SHEPPARD AND HIS TEAM! AND NOT BE ABLE TO KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!"

"We are sorry," Teyla offered. "I know how you feel."

Sheppard paused for an instant, regarding Teyla's thoughts and then asked, "What was wrong with Sheppard and his team?"

They entered the silver dome and were greeted by a bustling crowd of strange beings – either Wraith or very inedible looking creatures – you'd understand if you saw them. SO weird looking. One of them looked like a walking giant soccer ball. Anyway, it was a central hub for a hover transit system and the trams went directly to the hotels.

"Sheppard killed my brother, Steve!" The Wraith grumbled, stopping. This is where he left them. Lester would take them to their hotel.

They departed with a note of surprise. Piling into a tram that smelled of goats, Sheppard turned to Teyla and McKay. "Wow, his name was actually Steve!"

"Wow, you must feel so proud of yourself," McKay stared in annoyance before looking away. He saw a Wraith couple sitting in the seats up ahead of them, kissing.

"Young love," Lester commented, grinning.

McKay wanted to barf.

"We are here," Lester pointed to the doors, swinging open, taking no notice of Rodney's pale sickness.

They wound their way up a departure ramp and entered the lobby of a – seriously! – Luxurious Fairmont-style greeting lounge. Chandeliers sparkled down from the gilded ceilings, lush leafy potted plants flanked dark leather couches over finely woven carpet. The front desk took up half of the lobby's side, with its smooth redwood polish. The entire Wraith hotel workforce wore crisp hotel butler outfits, with gold buttons might I add.

"What the hell?" Sheppard mumbled.

"You think Wraith are just mindless killer zombies or something?" Lester snarled at them, seeing their surprise.

"Well…yes?" McKay said, his eyes caught against the glitter.

"Bad press, you know," Sheppard shrugged.

Lester growled at them under his breath and led them towards the front desk where he proceeded to smack a stack of papers down. The hotel attendant nodded and waved Lester away. They looked at his nametag: ALTOAIGNTZA.

They blinked.

Then Sheppard couldn't resist, especially when the Wraith didn't say anything first. "Your name is different."

"What are you trying to say?" He snarled. "Here, Invisibonians. Your keys. Go to the shopping concourse to your left because check-in isn't for an hour."

Thinking it best not to disagree, they headed towards a set of large wooden doors propped open to reveal a bright complex lit up by hundreds of shops and a stylish glass ceiling overhead. Many Wraith and weird-weird-aliens were shopping to their heart's delight.

"This should be interesting," Teyla muttered.

Sheppard didn't hear Teyla's words that very minute (though, McKay did!) because his eyes had caught something else. It was something that made his jaw drop open and force the words "OH MY GOD," from his throat.