Night falls
I fall
And where were you?
And where were you?

Monday – Casey clicked off the light. Darkness, with the strange blue taint of moonlight, flooded the room like blood in The Shinning. He dragged his heavy limbs a crossed the room and threw himself down on his bed, bouncing slightly once or twice, before coming to a rest in the soft folds of fabrics of his quilt.

He lied still; eyes open but barely seeing, and store forward at the ceiling, at the shapes of the shadows cast upon it. There was a time, like a long drawn out breath, where he seemed to think nothing at all, before his mind slowly started up again, and began to wander, and shortly after followed his eyes.

He saw the pictures of Delilah… beautiful, beautiful Delilah… he'd had a crush on her since seventh grade, and he'd won her heart a couple months ago… and to think, it only took saving the world from an alien invasion to do it, too… but that was no more, now, was it? Even that wasn't enough…

Warm skin
Wolf grin
And where were you?

He thought about her. He thought about the way she smelled, the way her hair fell around her face, the way she kissed, the feel of her soft skin under his hands… he thought about her Cheshire cat smile, and that gleam she always got in her eyes when she had an idea… he thought about her words, and the way she hurt people with them, and the way she would never stop hurting people with them, and the way he had been subjected to them many a time.

He frowned, and tried forced those thoughts out of his head but they would not go away. He knew they would start up again… hell, they already had… no directly in his face, like they used to be, but he'd seen her talking with Tina and Laura, looking at him and giggling ruthlessly. He didn't know what they were saying, but he knew what the meaning behind it all was…

But, somehow, all of the sudden, that thought didn't seem as horrible as it always had. Somehow, all of the sudden, he had the strange sense that he could take it, that it wasn't going to be that big of a deal… that thing would just go back to the way they were, and it would be as if it had never happened, and that didn't bother him so much, somehow…

His mind and eyes wandered again… they wandered slowly over to another small cluster of pictures; his pictures of Sam.

Sam… she was like no one he'd ever seen in his whole life. She was quick-tongued, a bit (or perhaps more then a bit…) violent, but the things she said and did… he could find no explanation for some of them, and often had no idea what she was going to do… like why she had chosen to be his friend, to protect him, to break down what she'd called "the curtain around his heart"… why, even when it meant exile and name-calling and nasty-rumor-spreading and psychical-assault, she still chose to hang on to him, to suffer his fate no matter how hard he tried to push her away from it.

He smiled, slightly, a half smile, without even realizing it, as he thought of the things she'd done in their early friendship, and the way she'd torn down his walls and replaced them with her own self as a shield. He also remembered how that night had ended, when they'd fallen asleep…

I fell into the moon
And it covered you in blue
I fell into the moon
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?

It was a secret, now and forever, he thought, that he'd keep… she'd fallen asleep before him. He had still been talking in a low, breathy whisper when he realized she was no longer listening… he'd asked her a question, though he couldn't remember what it was anymore, and had only looked at her when she hadn't answered.

The failing sun had sent a long square beam of light through his window into his room, and it had lit her up in it's rich golden rays, making her look like an autumn fairy, though a little queerer in her matter of dress. Her face was calm and smooth, the gray/blue of her eyes hidden behind solid lids and long black lashes, and her breath was coming in softly and slowly, a steady rhythm. She had been lying on her back but her head was turned towards him, like she'd fallen asleep looking at him.

He had studied her every feature carefully then, shocked that Sam could look so… well… beautiful. He'd never thought of Sam like that, like he did with someone like Delilah or something. Infact he'd never even thought to think of Sam like that. She was Sam, for Christ's sake!

It was a sudden thought to take a picture, and he did it totally on impulse, mostly because his camera was within arms length so he wouldn't have to move which might disturb her. It occurred to him afterwards to wonder if the picture would still be as special without color, in black and white, but he chose not to think about it.

He'd fallen asleep watching her turn from gold to blue.

High tide
Inside
The air is dew
And where were you?
While I
I died
And where were you?

He store at the developed picture on the wall, added to the Sam archive… no, the loss of color really hadn't been too big of a fault in the picture. He could still see it; he could still feel it; he could still hear it… He could still see the gold; he could still feel the warmth; he could still hear her breathing…

Maybe that was why, Casey pondered hesitantly as he stared at the photo through the darkness. Maybe it was because of her… maybe he could deal with Delilah leaving him because maybe… just maybe… maybe he loved Sam.

Another memory from the night he let it all go came back to him. In a half awake/half asleep state, he'd wrapped his arm around her belly… he remembered the corner her shirt had rode up, and he'd felt a patch of her skin under his wrist… so warm, so soft… perfect, somehow, even if it wasn't really.

Had he loved her then? Had he fallen in love with her at that moment? Had he been in love with her all this time?

Did he really even care about Delilah anymore? He'd caught himself thinking more then once or twice that he'd understood what Sam meant about her being a "super bitch from hell"… He'd caught himself feeling more then once or twice that she was being ungodly annoying… before she… left… him…

Was this Sam's fault? Had she cured him of his blind love for Delilah? Had he cured himself by falling in love with Sam?

No!, he thought sharply; What am I thinking? Sam… Sam is my friend… Sam is my best friend… she's the only person who was ever really there for me. I can't love her… if I love her… what would happen then? What if she doesn't love me back? What could it do to what we already have? Would she hate me for it? I couldn't bare it if she hated me…

Another flash of memory, from the night they'd destroyed the aliens, while Sam had been possessed by one of them: "I love you… I love you, Casey… as so much more then a friend…"

No, he shuddered, looking away from the picture and burying his face in his pillow; It's not worth it, it's not worth it…

I –can't– love Sam…

He forced all the thoughts away, cast them out if you will, from his mind and rolled onto his side away from the photo.


I crawled out of the world
And you said I shouldn't stay
I crawled out of the world

Casey pulled the covers up over his head and willed himself not to think anymore tonight… but he knew exactly what he was going to do. He never would have admitted it, but, in the deepest, darkest corners of the very back of his mind, he knew…

Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night…
Alone?

– from Blue by Angie Hart.