197S9.8.45
It seems that I was quite wrong to think that I could not talk to our recorder.
It also seems that she is one to wake as early as I and, though she did not join me in my morning prayers, she did nothing to disturb me; it was the first morning in quite some time that I was allowed to perform my Devotion without being interrupted by the scent of gun oil or the tuneless whistling of the Al Bhed.
I hope Paine knows how grateful I am for even this small gift.
I had intended to tell her this once I finished, but she adeptly steered the conversation from such things; it is clear to me that she's the sort to be in charge of even a small thing like this and I am not reluctant to give it to her. It is a wonderful treat to talk to one who seems to understand so much! She is very wise, even if her age is no greater than my own, and she tells so much in so little. Even her expressions tell much.
I have not yet seen her to smile, but there are times when the shift of her eyes or the position of her body tells of amusement or mirth; it's not the same as a laugh or a smile, but it is almost as satisfying to see. She didn't give me much of herself and I suppose I didn't give her much information on myself, either; it seems that we both abide by the rules of silence as far as some things go and I must admit that I am glad for this small blessing. I suppose I'm still a bit shy of admitting my own failures, even if they must be quite obvious; I can only imagine how the Al Bhed would react if he were to learn that I was once a summoner, especially given what Al Bhed have been known to do with ones in such a position.
I am glad to have found kinship in this Paine. She is easy to talk to and she has yet to show me the same pity or doubt which I seem to find everywhere in this place. I do understand why such looks would be given, but it is such a blessing to find a relief from them! I cannot even begin to describe what glimmer of hope it gives me, even if it is just the spark of the smallest flame.
She has also suggested that I take advantage of the Al Bhed's offer to teach me to use the war machina. She seems to understand the reservations I hold about him, but she has made it clear that I have to learn, one way or another.
I suppose the Al Bhed must be good for something, correct?
197S9.8.46
I have found the answer to my question of yesterday.
I hadn't intended to tell the Al Bhed of my past, but I was so flustered after what I did to that poor man's foot that I suppose I wasn't in the clearest state of mind. I still cannot believe that I injured someone so. It was terrible. The poor man was screaming and his foot was bleeding so badly; I wanted to offer to heal it for him, but he took on such a terrified expression every time I came near him that I soon had to leave him to his own. I hope he was able to find someone to tend it for him. Maybe I will seek him out, once everyone else has taken to sleep. There must be something I can do to make amends. I know that I am supposed to learn to destroy the enemy, but the man was doing nothing more offensive than walking past the target at which I was shooting; the blame is clearly my own.
Regardless, it was in this confused state of mind that I babbled out the fact that I was once a summoner. I regretted it immediately, but there was nothing I could do once it was said. My expression must have shown my regret as the Al Bhed only responded by telling me that he was once a summoner-kidnapper. I suppose I should have figured that much on my own, but it never occurred to me that this Al Bhed could have taken part in such a horrible thing; I can only imagine what horrible things he must have done to them, even if he claims that they were treated as kings.
It was clearly a lie. It is common knowledge that the Al Bhed kidnap summoners only so that they may propagate Sin's destruction…or that is what is taught to us, at least. I am not sure I remember it as so. Perhaps I am just confused.
That must be it. What other answer could there be? The Al Bhed couldn't be doing it for the summoners' good, could they? They would not care for such a thing. They believe us to be so low and so stupid that I imagine they think it would be a blessing to have us removed from Spira. I am sure I heard this from their very mouths when I was in their so-called sanctum. It is so hard to remember that time clearly, though, that I cannot be entirely sure. I suppose the filter of shame makes it hard to remember clearly. Perhaps the Al Bhed is right. Perhaps summoners are far too easy to take. Few of us can actually defend ourselves, after all, and even fewer can find their way without someone to hold their hand; it really does make a summoner a sitting chocobo to have so few coping skills.
…or maybe that is just me. Perhaps I am just projecting my sins upon the whole so that I may continue to feel some fellowship with them. It is a foolish thought, but it is oddly comforting to think that I may not be the only one who is as a lost child. Even here, I am the lost and useless babe. I can see it in every eye that looks at me. I can hear it in the tone of voice and I can see it in the posture of the body. To all, I am just a useless and weak failure. Even if they do not know of my past as a summoner, they can surely see the marks of the priesthood on me and they must realize that I have fallen if I am in a place such as this. I know that our leader, Nooj, is keenly aware of this. He takes no pain to hide the fact that he sees nothing of worth in me and, in a way, I am grateful for this; at least he is aware of my shortcomings and he even sometimes brings new ones to my attention. He did so this afternoon when I returned from the shooting range with the Al Bhed.
He claims that I look to the Al Bhed every time an order is given to me, but it is simply a misunderstanding. I am not surprised to see it, but it only proves that he was not schooled in the way of Yevon. It is, after all, a means for the elders to allow the youngest to act first so that he may be corrected immediately and clearly if he is wrong; this is how I was taught what little skills I know and I had assumed this is how all must learn these things. It seems Nooj does not find this method to be effective, so I will have to try to bend to his way of doing things.
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Word seems to travel quickly in this place.
Paine is now amusing herself by calling me "Lord Baralai" when we are alone.
I think I may allow it without too much protest, as it seems she almost smiles when she speaks so.
My efforts to attempt to help the weaponmaster were an utter failure; he will not let me within fifty feet of himself. I really cannot blame him.
197S9.8.47
I cannot find Pahho!
I wonder if I left it somewhere and have since forgotten.
Or perhaps the Al Bhed decided to steal it so that I would be unable to shoot another of our men?
Perhaps he took it so that I would have to tell Nooj that I lost my firearm? I am sure our leader would not find this to be good news, though I'm not entirely sure I could fall any further in his eyes. Perhaps the Al Bhed wishes to see me be punished by Nooj. Perhaps he would like to see how damaging that machina arm truly is to Yevonite flesh.
I am beginning to sound paranoid. I should simply go find the Al Bhed so that I can ask him myself.
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I have just saved the life of an Al Bhed.
What does this make me? Why would I even think to do so? It clearly would have been doing Yevon's will to let him perish in the fiend's claws, yet I took direct action to keep this from happening. I suppose it makes me a sinner to have protected him, but I simply could not stand by and watch him be torn apart by the large winged fiend; perhaps it was nothing more than my own squeamishness which saved him.
No, I do not think that is right. If this were true, then Valefor likely would not have heeded my request; she would not show herself for something so small and so petty…yet she would show herself to help save an Al Bhed, even if it meant being summoned by one who should no longer be able to do so?
I do not understand. I should not even be able to call on the Fayth. My pleas and wishes should mean nothing to them, now that I have left the calling. My voice should be no more distinct to them than those of any of the normal Yevonites, yet Valefor heeded me so wonderfully, even to save the life of one seen as a low, filthy heathen. Why would she lower herself so? Why would she listen to my call, especially when it was to do something so against her very nature? Is it my strength or is it a failing in the teachings?
…I am just speaking blasphemy, now. I do not know what I am saying and it is all because of that Gippal!
I will admit that it felt so wonderful to summon again, even if it is a slightly guilty pleasure. I know that I no longer have a right to call on the Fayth, yet it is so exhilarating to realize that my bond with them remains. I had thought that they had turned from me, yet Valefor will still come to me; will the others? Am I not truly forgotten, at least by them? I am reluctant to try to call on any of the others and I will not attempt to summon just to satisfy my curiosity; I am merely grateful that the Fayth aided me in this, even if it is still unbearably confusing.
I think some of my joy at being successful in summoning Valefor must have shown for the look Gippal gave me, once he realized that he was no longer in danger of being messily devoured. I wonder if he knows that he was saved by summoning. I wonder how he would react to know it. Would he be angry or would he be offended? Perhaps he would just be glad to be alive, regardless of the means behind it. It does not really matter; I do not wish for him to think there is now some manner of debt between us nor that he owes me anything for it. I was simply defending a member of my squad. That is all there is to it. That is all there can be to it.
I do wonder, though, if it would be wise to air some of these thoughts to Gippal. I wonder how he would react if I spoke of Yevon to him. I know it must be a sensitive subject, but he has seen one of Yevon's greatest wonders; perhaps it will inspire him. Maybe if I ask of his culture and his world he will be more willing to listen.
It is something to consider.
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Apparently, Nooj thinks that Gippal and I were fighting during our absence from camp. He seems to think I caused the scratch on Gippal's cheek which, in reality, was caused by the attacking fiend. He said something about my playing rough with Gippal?
I do not understand and, when I asked Paine, she simply laughed and patted me atop the ahead. Perhaps it is best if I don't understand.