Title: Though the years
Author: LupinLovesTonks
Rated: PG13-R
Warnings: Contains language and some sexual situations and innuendo
Summary: She had known him since she was a small child... and dreamed of the day she might be able to marry him... But, would Remus Lupin ever grow to see Nymphadora Tonks as more than the little five year old that would follow him and Sirius around?

Chapter Two
Taking Risks
She shook her hair, laughing as it changed from black to an almost white blond. With a grin she wondered if her face and hair were all she could change... Taking a few steps back she concentrated and clapped with glee as she discovered she could change almost anything she didn't like about herself.

She'd had the ability to metamorph since she was about eight but it wasn't until now, on the day of her sixteenth birthday that she was actually able to appreciate it. Unlike all the other girls at Hogwarts, she didn't need make up or tons of hair tonics and gels and potions to make herself beautiful... All she had to do was think it and she was. But the jealous lot of them made fun of her for her abilities, even though she treasured them.

They also tended to pick on her for the fact she fancied werewolves and spat out stories about how they weren't at all bad... they just got a bad reputation for chasing bunnies on every full moon. Though now, on the verge of adulthood, Nymphadora knew better than to think what Remus did every full moon was that innocent... she just preferred believing the tall tale he'd told her in her childhood.

She wanted to tell him - to let him know - She wanted him to know how almost every free thinking moment she had revolved around him. Since getting her first kiss, she had been wanting to kiss him. To see what it felt like when someone older and more schooled in the art was the one kissing her. She sighed at the thought and tripped over a foot stool in the middle of her room.

Maybe Remus would come to her party. Maybe he'd see how pretty she could make herself be. Maybe she'd be able to make him forget all the problems that had come into his life since - Her heart fell and the "improvments" she had made to herself faded away.

He'd been so gloomy since the deaths of Lily, James, and Peter, even more so when it was discovered Sirius had been the one behind it. Even she had been in shock about that one. But, he still continued to visit her and her mother at least once or twice a year - On her birthday and the anniversary of James and Lily's death - because that was when he just couldn't handle it anymore.

She had known he'd taken James and Peter's death hard and the revelation about Sirius. But only she knew the real reason he'd taken the deaths so hard. Because he'd been madly in love with Lily...

flashback

"Tut, tut, Mr. Lupin..." her mother scolded. "What would your mother say if she saw you like this? Nymphadora, take him outside for some air, maybe that'll sober him up a little..."

For the first time, since he'd arrived about two hours earlier, Nymphadora got to see the lost and forlorn man. His face was pale, his hair was touselled as if he hadn't bothered to groom in days, his robes had several large holes and dust stains on them. His hazel eyes held no shine, as he looked up at her with eyes so bloodshot that there was barely any white in them. In his hand was an almost empty bottle.

The man struggled to his feet and weaved back and forth, as he stood there waiting for her. She felt a tugging in her heart as she hurried over to help keep him on his feet. "I'll take him to sit on my old playhouse porch," she told her mother.

"Thank you, so much Nym-pha-do-ra," he gave a small gitty laugh as he drunkenly sounded out each individual syllable of her name. He tried to bring the bottle up to his lips but she quickly snatched it away from him. "Hey..."

"No, Remus, we're trying to sober you up - not get you more intoxicated," she scolded, then shuddered at the fact she sounded just like her mother. She dumped him on porch of the playhouse that looked almost exactly like her real home, only much smaller. She took the bottle to a trash bin her mother had placed close by, it had at one time been what she used for her trash from playing, but tonight it served an entirely differnt purpose.

As soon as she sat down Remus doubled over, spilling the contents of his stomach onto the ground. She rubbed his back like she had seen her mother do to her father on occasion. After Remus was done, he leaned over weakly, laying his head in her lap. She simply played with the few steaks of grey in his hair and smiled softly.

"Why are you doing this Remus?" she asked carefully. "It won't make you forget. They'll still be gone after you get back in the right mind."

Remus scoffed slightly. "Can I trust you with a secret Nymphy? It's something only maybe one other person alive knows. Two if you count your cousin."

"Of course Remy. You're my best friend ever, of course I'd keep a secret for you..." she replied. She focused her hair-play on the same white spot in his hair that she had first played with at the age of five, while sitting on his shoulders.

"You may think me an awful person but, the only death that truly hurts me, was Lily's," he admitted quietly. "I drink because I feel guilty for not feeling as bad about James and Peter. I drink because it's my fault Lily was with James."

"Well, you can't help the fact you got them to-"

"I didn't," he interrupted. "At least, not the way everyone thinks." He sighed heavily. "Part of me wishes she would have been stubborn and not let me push her away. She pleaded and pleaded with me. 'It does not have to be this way Remus'. 'Please do not do this Remus'. 'I don't care what others think about you being a werewolf, Remus'."

He let out a few ragged breaths and she could tell he was crying. "But no, I told her that James could give her the life I wanted to give her, but never would be able to do. I begged her to be with him since I trusted him to never do anything out of sorts with her. I trusted him to protect her. I just wanted her to have happiness, and it nearly killed us both when I made myself tell her I didn't love her. She made me tell her I didn't love her. And like a fool I said, 'Lily, I don't love you. I've just been toying with your heart this whole time.' I was a bloody idiot."

He was quiet a long moment and she thought perhaps he was through. She was trying to sort his words out, trying to understand the fullness of what he was saying. If her interpretation was correct... He was saying he'd once been with Lily but begged her to be with James instead.

"So, she ended up going with James. Marrying him. And I told James I felt it best that I had as little to do with their lives as possible," Remus sighed at this point. "But he never knew how often Lily and I would find ways to accidentally come across one another. As much as we both tried to make everyone believe there was no love between us, including ourselves, the more we desired eachother."

Nymphadora gasped in shock. "Are you saying, what I think you are?"

"If you're suggesting that I am implying that Lily and I would sneak off together after her and James were married, then you would be correct in that assumption. And if you're daring enough to assume that she and I met for more than tea and cakes, you're dead on." He paused, wincing slightly at his own terminology. "But, it wasn't lust as far as we were concerned. We were just doing what our hearts were telling us was right..."

"What happened? Why didn't you ever get her to leave James since the two of you-"

Remus chuckled slightly at this point. "It wasn't that easy Nymphy. When Lily got pregnant with Harry she suddenly had a realization that what we were doing was very wrong. There were many times in which I would still seek her out beg for one last chance. But it was too late. She had made up her mind to finally be the wife she was supposed to be to James.

"She hadn't wanted to be with James but she knew she was stuck with him and that they were going to have the family she and I had wanted. But I was too afraid to give her."

"Why were you afraid?" Nymphadora asked quietly.

"Well, werewolves aren't exactly the most wonderful beings on the planet on the full moon night. And I didn't want to risk having her get bitten or having werewolf children. So I wanted her to be with a fine, upstanding wizard and one that I trusted would do her no wrong."

"And that was James?" she asked. Remus nodded. "Hmph, I'm sorry he's gone but I would never forgive him for that stunt he and Sirius pulled in the woods."

"Sweet little Nymphy," Remus turned onto his back and looked up at her. "Another thing, and, that day in the woods did something to both James and Sirius. They weren't the same lads you knew when you were five."

"Obviously not considering James was with the luckiest girl in the world and Sirius became a murderer," she sighed disheartedly.

Remus sighed heavily. "You wouldn't really understand it yet. You're still a child."

end

Nymphadora wiped at her eye slightly after she had finished replaying the memory in her head. Part of her wished she had a pensive so she could remove that memory. That memory just made her want to hold Remus in her arms and baby him.

Her ears perked at the sound of a light knock. "Who is it?" she called. The door started easing open. "Hey! 'Who is it' does not equal 'come in', dammit!" She snatched her bath robe off her bed and covered herself as Remus covered his eyes and ducked back out of the room apologizing profusely.

Her face grew warm. She didn't know if she was embarrassed by the fact he'd just got a quick glimpse of her in nothing but her skin. She yanked on her robe and held it closed. "Come in Remus. It's okay, I have something on now," she called, smiling brightly.

The door slowly opened and he stepped inhesitantly. "I really do apologize... I didn't see anything I promise. I just wanted to see you before I had to go. I can't stay for the party this year. Tonight's a full moon you know. And I know how your parties get."

"Oh," she teased. "Tonight you have to turn into a big bad wolf and eat bunnies?" She cleared a spot off on her bed. "Sit. I'm just trying to decide how to do my hair and all for the party."

Remus managed a weak smile and slowly walked across the room to sit on the cleared space. He looked pale, she didn't know if it was because of what was to come to him that night or the fact he'd been drinking again. Either way all she wanted to do was hug him tightly and pet his hair.

"What did you have in mind?" Remus asked. "Perhaps I could help."

"I was thinking either black or blond, or a short and fun mix of blond and crayon red streaks." She shook her head and let her hair go long and raven black. "If I go with black I want it to be long and pretty."

"Makes you look like Bellatrix..." Remus commented flatly.

"Ah, okay," She looked back at the mirror and shortened the length and let it go pale blond. "How's this?"

"Narcissa," Remus laughed.

She picked up the feathery pillow on her dressing table and threw it at Remus. "Alright, what do you think I should do?"

Remus held the pillow in his lap. "Well. That's not fair you know I'm rather fond of red heads. It all matters on what you think, not me. In fact, I was around your age the first time Lily and I-" he looked down but smiled.

He had such a handsome smile. Even though his eyes were bloodshot due to the mix of drinking and crying she knew he did everynight, he still looked handsome to her. She thought the slight traces of grey that were threaded through his hair made him look refined for his mere twenty-eight years of age. She wanted to tell him it did matter what he thought because she wanted to be perfect for him.

Feeling somewhat bold, she slowly walked over to him. "If you want me to... I can look like her." Remus looked confused and his eyes darted to the door nervously. "I can Remus." The fact he looked so nervous made her skin tingle. "Or do you still think I'm not old enough to play with you yet?" She felt her hair lengthen some as she placed her hands on his shoulders. "And I promise not to cry if I get hurt."

She watched as the blond tresses turned a fiery auburn like she had seen in pictures of Lily. Remus was trembling, one of his hands had shot to grasping her wrist. He shook his head slightly, but other than that and the trembling he hadn't moved.

"What do you want Nymphadora?" he said quietly. "Why are you doing this?" his voice sounded frail as his eyes were watching her face shift and contort into that of his old lover's.

"I can look like her, talk like her. I can even feel like her if that's what you want Remus." She moved to try and kiss him but he put his free hand to over her mouth and held her back.

"Stop it Nymphadora," he said firmly. "You're not Lily. No amount of metamorphing can make you really be her."

She let herself go back to normal. She pulled back. "Remus, I love you..." she whispered. "I just want you to love me back. The way you did her."

Remus scoffed. "Nymphadora, you're just a kid, a child, you don't know what love is." He let go of her wrist and ducked out of her path to stand up. "You may be of the conscenting age now, Nymphadora. But you're still very much a child." He bowed his head slightly. "Happy Birthday Nymphadora... I'll... see you around."

Her bottom lip started trembling as Remus turned away and walked out of her room without so much as a backward glance. She had tied her robe closed and tried to catch him, but by time she had made it to the front door he apparated before she could call for him to come back. Her mother and father had exchanged a look, wondering what had come over their teenage daughter.

The party that had been planned for her ended up being cancelled. She spent the night in her room sobbing. Even her mother had not sympathized with her and had said she was a fool for even thinking about wanting to get tangled up with Remus... reminded her several times that relationships between werewolves and anyone seldom worked unless the other was a werewolf as well.

But none of them understood. None of them knew how he'd carried her on his shoulders when her five year old legs couldn't keep up with him and Sirius. None of them knew that he'd helped her get over her fear of nighttime monsters by getting her to tell them she had a werewolf friend that ate bunnies and would come get them if they didn't leave her alone.

None of them had seen the panicked look she had seen the day of her panic attack in the forest. None of them had experienced the safe feeling she'd had when he'd been running to get her back to the house.

None of them had held his head in their lap and petted his grey streaked hair while he dammed himself as a fool for pushing Lily away. None of them knew how he was still blaming himself for her being dead. And none of them - not a single solitary one of them - had ever seen his smile.

AN: I know it's kinda tame for right now. But trust me. This fic can and will earn it's R rating. ;-)