197S9.8.48

I am surprised by how little has happened.

It is not that I am not glad for the peace before the storm, but it seems almost counterproductive to have us all gathered here with nothing to occupy us. Restlessness seems to hang heavily over every person I've seen, both of our squad and of the others, and I have seen men break into fighting for nothing more than a stray glance; I have even had members of the other squads approach me in such a way and I do not doubt that something may have happened if I had not been able to bow out gracefully. Sometimes, even then, I needed to have Paine step in on my behalf; it seems that, even now, I cannot escape the need of a guardian. I am grateful for her help, of course, but I do need to learn to stand firmly on my own.

What sort of warrior will I be, if I have to always stand close to someone else to ensure that I do not get shot? What use will I be against fiends if I cannot defend myself? How will I serve my position if I must run as a kicked whelp to whomever may protect me?

I must grow stronger. I must learn. I must defend myself. I refuse to be the liability that all must see me as. I do not wish to be the weight on my squad's back nor do I simply wish to be the one to be carried along. I know that Nooj must see me as nothing but dead weight and I can understand his reasoning for this; I only hope that I may be able to prove him wrong. I only hope that I may come to be seen as a warrior in his eyes.

He remains the only one of our squad with whom I have yet to connect on some level; I have even grown closer to Gippal than I have to him. I cannot say exactly what separates us, but I suppose that it may be nothing more than the fact that I am worthless in his mind; he does not seem the sort to bother with people who cannot offer him something and I have not yet shown one thing in which he may find worth. I rather doubt he'd find any worth in the fact that I was once a summoner and he'd likely find even less in my other skills.

It only gives me more reason to train with Pahho, I suppose.

197S9.8.49

Gippal has honestly surprised me.

I had thought that, if I were to speak of religion to him, then he would simply ignore me or that he would make any manner of tasteless jokes; he has done neither of these things. He listens well when I speak and, though he does present questions, they are often intelligent and insightful. He is far more open to Yevon's words than I would have thought and he seems as if he is truly taking in what is said; it makes me rather glad, even if it confuses me.

We were always told that Al Bhed are ignorant and unable to discern the Truth. We were told that they are blind to Yevon's Light. We were told that they warp the soul and turn us from the path of righteousness; I have seen none of these things in Gippal.

I have seen quite the opposite in him.

He is an intelligent man; he speaks well and it is clear that he has a very sharp mind. He seems open to what I say and, even if I know better than to hope for him to see the Light, I know that he understands what I have to say. He has shown me nothing but tolerance since we met and he has never been cruel to me. He has even taken the effort to help me to learn the means to survive in this place.

In honesty, I do not know what to think.

If he were as the Al Bhed against whom I had always been warned, would he not simply leave me to fend on my own or would he not just take the easy path and shoot me himself with his machina gun? It would not be hard for him to do so and it would even be quite easy to make it seem as if I had done it on my own.

He has shown no violence to me, yet could all this not be subtle betrayal? Could it not be that he is leading me down the path to sin all the while proclaiming that it is for my own good? He has taught me to touch and to use forbidden machina as if it were second nature. We have worked together only a few days, but I no longer flinch when he is around and I even allow him to touch me without comment; these things are unheard of and quite scandalous, for a Yevonite!

…perhaps that is the key, 'for a Yevonite'.

Am I still a Yevonite? I do still believe in Yevon with all my heart. I believe in all the Fayth and the Aeons. If I thought they would allow me passage, I would make the trek to Djose so that I may pray within the temple. I perform my prayers at the appointed time and I continue to follow the laws which Yevon himself lay before us.

…is all this enough to make me still significant within Yevon's eyes? Is it all overshadowed by my failure? Do these thoughts and the budding kinship with an Al Bhed condemn me to a state of sin?

I do not know the answer. I do not know if anyone can give me this answer.

Perhaps, when there is time and when I can slip away, I will try to speak with the Fayth. Perhaps they will give me a bit of the understanding which fails me.

197S9.8.50

I hit the bullseye!

I managed to do it quite a few times while I was practicing with Gippal today. I think I may finally be starting to understand exactly how Pahho needs to be held for its aim to be accurate; I only hope that I may be able to remember this when in the middle of a battlefield.

xxxxxxxxxx

Paine did not win that wrestling match down by the pool.

She cheated by tickling me. That is not playing fair!

…I am rather glad that none of the other squads were there to hear me giggle. That would have been quite embarrassing.

197S9.9.01

There seems to be a strange atmosphere in the camps this morning, but no one seems to know what the cause may be. I think I may take advantage of this to sneak away.

xxxxxxxxxxx

I have found no answers, only further questions.

The Fayth would not answer any of the questions I asked and, the more I pressed the vaguer and more distant their voices grew. I do not understand it. I was always told that the Fayth would always be there for a devout soul and that there was no question they could not answer; is it because the questions I put are of such a blasphemous nature? Have I offended them? Have they realized that I am unworthy?

I have no way to answer, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I may lose the last vestiges of my religion simply because I must adjust to the situation at hand; how can I decide between becoming a warrior to find worth in myself and fully turning my back on the religion which raised and enlightened me or continuing to cling to my religion while likely perishing in this dangerous hell?

I cannot choose. I would not know even in which direction to step.

How can I choose anything over Yevon, yet how can I deny the way which my conscience draws me?

xxxxxxxxxxx

I have learned the cause of the excitement in camp; it seems we have finally received assignments from our commanders: soon, we are to board boats so that we may be transported to training grounds.

It seems good news to me. I am glad to know that soon I will take under full training. I am eager to see what this will be like, even if I am slightly nervous; it was especially good to be able to read my thoughts in Paine's expression, as well as the slight smile she gave me.

I only wonder if she'll make good on her threat to turn me into Sahagin-food if try to dunk her in the pool again.