197.S9.9.01

Nooj-or perhaps it was Gippal, I am unsure-decided that we should have a bit of a competition on the firing range tomorrow. All have agreed to it and it seems all are eager to display what they are capable of doing; I only wonder if Gippal simply wishes to show how well he has trained me.

No!

No…I must not think in that manner. It is just my nerves showing. I am immensely grateful for all he has shown and taught me and I must make him proud. I must do my best, even if it makes me so nervous. I do not wish to admit my fear aloud, but I suppose it must be obvious to anyone: I have had no restful sleep since learning of this event and, even now, I am pacing the camp much like an expectant father. I cannot rest. I cannot sleep. I cannot even stop my hands from shaking.

How am I to hold Pahho if I am like this?

How am I to hit the broad wall of the canyon, let alone a small bullseye, if my hands are shaking so?

How can I keep from shooting myself…or, worse yet, someone else?

I do not think I could stand it if I were to shoot someone as I had that poor armoryman. The memory of his screaming and the fear in his eyes haunts me even now; I could not stand to see that same in the eyes of Paine or Gippal. I could not stand to let them down, either. They have been working so hard to support me and if I fail them in this…

No. I will not think of it.

I will be strong. I will aim true. I will not let myself be afraid.

197.S9.9.02

I…do not know what to think or what to write. My mind is in complete confusion and I cannot even turn to Yevon for help in finding the answers as he has abandoned me entirely. I cannot hear his voice nor the voices of the Fayth, no matter how I pray to them, and I have little hope of ever finding them again.

I think I may have severed the last of my ties.

I did not mean for it to happen, but it makes no difference to say so; even if it was not initiated by my own hand, I put up no resistance to him and I did nothing to make him stop. In truth, I enjoyed the touch of his hands and the closeness afterward is something I've needed for longer than I can even say. The truth of the matter is that I threw it all of my faith away for nothing more than a small taste of human closeness and that alone likely makes me the most pathetic creature to exist. I should likely be past the point where I need to be cuddled or coddled, but the temptation was simply too great.

Is it so wrong, though? Why is it against the faith to find comfort in another? Why is it so wrong to take pleasure in closeness, regardless of the nature of the two involved? In truth, when we were together, I had forgotten that we were anything but two humans both in need of some sort of comfort; the realization of the differences only came when I had time to think on it and it was only then that any form of regret set in. Regret? I am not even sure that is the exact right word for it; it was more a manner of shame and I am slowly becoming aware of the source of this emotion and the tears caused by it.

Why should I be ashamed? What did I do that was so wrong? Is it not something many have done? I know that it is forbidden only because of Gippal's race, but I find it hard to think of him in such narrow terms, now. He is simply Gippal as Paine is Paine and Nooj is Nooj; there is no need for me to see him as anything more than a man who has given me comfort when I was in dire need and who has helped me to learn to survive. Anything else is simply superfluous.

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The competition went rather well!

I was still nervous enough to cause my entire body to shake and I will admit that I was deathly afraid that I would shoot either Paine or Nooj every time I took Pahho to hand, but my fears were mostly unfounded; I managed to shoot fairly well and I think I only shot wide once or twice the whole time we were there. As would be expected, most of the credit for this went to Gippal, but I cannot be bitter about it; he did work hard to teach me and it is only because of him that I am even able to hold Pahho, let alone manage to hit a target with it.

Both Paine and Nooj impressed me with their marksmanship, but I suppose I should have expected the both of them to be more than proficient; they are, after all, the most warrior-like of any of us. I only hope that I may be able to shoot half as well as they do so that I'm not entirely useless in the upcoming battles. Though, if it does come to such a thing, I suppose I could always request to switch positions with Paine; that may make Nooj happier, regardless.

On such a subject, I must also work harder on not glancing to Gippal every time an order is issued to me; it is an old habit and, though hard to break, I do not wish to have such a small thing be another point of irritation between myself and Nooj. There is more than enough there, already.

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How much surprise can a single soul take?

Earlier, I made an effort to find Gippal so that I could apologize for the evening before but, instead, I found Paine…and Nooj.

They were lying a little distance from the pool where we usually wash and, from their bodily positions, it seemed obvious that Gippal and I were not the only ones to find solace in each other the evening before.

I am…happy for her. I would not have thought that she would seek out such a thing from such a man, but it must be what she needs; I will be happy for her. I must be happy for her. It is perhaps for the best.

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It seems that nothing will go correctly today.

I had just found Gippal to apologize when Nooj and Paine showed up so I was really unable to apologize properly; I'll have to find him again later, when we will have time to be alone. I think we may have a few things to discuss between us.

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Silence can speak so much more than words ever could.

It was so nice to sit with Gippal and to have him stroke my hair. His fingers are utterly amazing--I've never seen nor felt anything like them in my life-and having them run through my hair was soothing in a way I simply cannot describe.

Is it blasphemy?

I am coming to not care.

It a rightness in a world of wrongness and it is comfort where there is none; that is all that matters. I do not know what this bodes, if anything, but I will simply enjoy it while it lasts…though I think I may try to keep any public signs from occurring in front of Nooj; Yevon knows what he would make of it.