197S9.9.03

Gippal has promised to show me an incredible new technique, as he phrased it, down on the shooting range this afternoon; I cannot wait to see it, though I do rather hope that it is nothing like the technique which he offered the evening before.

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Nooj called me aside today.

He sent Paine and Gippal to the firing range on their own so that we could speak privately.

I was so nervous. I did all my best to keep my frame from shaking and to keep my nerves from showing, but I must have done miserably; from the expression he gave me the moment I stood before him, I could tell that I disgust him on some very basic level and he presented me with the back of his hand before any words could be exchanged.

Even thinking back on it now, I cannot guess why he backhanded me so. I know that I am quite lucky that he chose to do so with his flesh hand and not the one made of machina, but it was not the physical pain of the moment so much as the tangible exertion of my uselessness; it was a strong reminder of the fact that I am useless to him and, perhaps, to the entire squad. It was a reminder of all my failures and of all my short-comings. It was a reminder of having to stand before my guardians—and later my father—and tell them that I will be unable to finish my pilgrimage.

I know that I overreacted to it, but the slap was the culmination of so much building stress; I could not keep back the tears and, once they started, I could do nothing to control them. I know I looked as a fool, crying like a child before my squad leader, but I could honestly do nothing to stop once they started to fall; it was just such a solid reminder of what I am to him.

I am nothing to him. If I were to leave the camp right now, he would feel not even the slightest touch of regret; he would likely be glad that he would no longer have to run after me as a mother after a child. I cannot say I blame him for the sentiment, either; as our leader, he has to work on building us into a cohesive fighting unit and he really has no time to work on shaping a warrior from a clump of fluff. He is so much entrenched in the ways of the warrior and so absorbed in his task that it is really quite selfish of me to expect so much from him.

Perhaps I should give up the pretense that I can be a warrior. Perhaps I should find one of the commanders and ask that I be allowed to be transferred to a place in chaplain corps. I may be of some use there.

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Nooj gave me a dagger at the end of our little interview earlier. It really is a rather nice little weapon and it fits well into the top of my boot; it reminds me a lot of the small blades which the female priests and acolytes were given to carry so that they could protect their purity. I rather doubt that Nooj gave it to me with such an intention, but it is still something which may be of use; the size of it and the way it fits into my hand makes me think that I could possibly integrate it quite easily into the manner of defense taught to me by the priests.

I believe I may give it a try while I have the chance.

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I must be as transparent as glass.

Nooj's interrogation from earlier left a rather nice bruise on my cheek and, though my complexion works well to hide such things, I still did not wish for anyone to suspect that something had passed between myself and my squad leader. To aid this, I spent most of the day in an area a bit removed from the main path, but Gippal still managed to find me, somehow. I tried to hide the mark by turning my face away from him, but he quickly caught onto the game; I do not remember the last I saw him look so upset and, though I tried to explain it away by saying that Pahho had unexpectedly kicked within my hands, he would not believe me.

He's gone to find Nooj.

This is exactly what I did not wish to happen. I understand that Gippal is merely standing up for me, but it is unnecessary! Nooj was correct to act as he had and, further, it only underscores the points he made to have someone run to my rescue like this; it should not be necessary in the first place and it is a bit embarrassing to need someone to run to defend my honor. If such is necessary, should it not be done by myself?

I do not know. I should likely just be grateful that Gippal is willing to confront the squad leader on my behalf, but should the squad leader not be above confrontation? Should he not be the glue which binds and should we not be accepting of his orders? Should we not, as a whole, ignore this manner of thing so that we may be able to come together as a cohesive unit?

Perhaps it is I who should apologize.

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Once again, a quest to apologize is detoured.

Intead of finding Nooj, I found Paine and it turned out that she, too, was curious about the mark on my cheek. Once again, I used poor Pahho as an excuse and, though I am not entirely sure she believed me, she did allow the conversation to be dropped. I am grateful for this fact, though I do have to wonder if she is aware of what manner of man her lover is. I assume that she must if she is able to give herself in such a way, but it is hard for me to understand; Paine seems such a rational and calm woman while Nooj is nothing even close to either of those things! It could just be the fact of opposites attracting, but I am simply worried that, if Paine were to ever upset him…

I will not think of it. Paine is a grown woman and she knows what she is doing. I will keep my reservations to myself and I will simply be glad that she has found some manner of closeness and comfort in this time.

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It seems that we really will be one of the last squads to leave this place, but this may be good news; it will give a bit more time to practice, both with Pahho and with my new dagger, and it will give time to try to shape up into something resembling a warrior. For now, however, I think I may simply try to find sleep; I am rather weary after this long day and sleep may well be the salve which I need.