One More Confessional

Part Three

197S9.8.48

I got to spar with Nooj today. He found us some staves, and we dueled with them as though they were swords. To be blunt, it kicked ass; I haven't sparred in ages. I miss my blade.

Nooj is amazing. The machina leg keeps him from any real footwork, and his swings are a bit too hard -- maybe he was used to a two-handed weapon before his injuries? But it's clear that he was once something incredible. Even with all his limitations, I'd be slightly over-matched in a fair fight today; I can only wonder at what he used to be.

I think I impressed him, but he didn't say much either way. Really, he's said hardly anything at all since our moment yesterday. I suppose that's all right with me. If he'd rather pretend it didn't happen, it'll make both our lives much easier.

Still no word from the Maesters regarding when we're shipping out, or where. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll spend the rest of my life at Mushroom Rock. All this waiting around isn't doing anyone any good. The candidates are getting restless, quarrelling, even brawling. I've already had rescue Baralai from half a dozen potential fights. I honestly don't mind helping him out, but I'm starting to worry a little. He'll need to stand on his own two feet eventually.

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Just talked to Baralai a bit, and I'm feeling better about things there. He already knows that he can't depend on me forever and has redoubled his resolve to improve his shooting skills. I think he also wants to earn some respect from Nooj. Part of me wishes Nooj would go easier on him, but I also see where Nooj is coming from -- it's probably going to be dangerous out there, and none of us can afford for Baralai to be unprepared. Then again, it's not like Baralai doesn't understand that on his own. All Nooj is accomplishing with his obvious disdain is to make Baralai even more nervous. I wish there was something I could do.

A bit of amusement: Gippal is sitting across the fire from Nooj, staring at him. I know that expression: that of an Al Bhed who's just itching to take apart an intriguing new machina, then put it back together. I saw that exact same glint in Berrick's eyes more than once. I wonder if Nooj has noticed. Probably not; he seems really bad at picking up on what other people are thinking. Nor does he seem to truly care.

Yeah. I'm better off not going down that road.

197S.9.8.50

Not much happened yesterday. Gippal took Baralai shooting, I sat around camp and did my best to ignore Nooj. I think I succeeded, mostly; I still caught him watching me a few times, though. Maybe he hasn't been any more able to put our brief encounter out of his mind than I.

It does looks like Gippal finally got his shot at messing with the machina last night. Nooj was trying to oil the joints, and even I could see that he was making a mess of it. You'd think he'd have learned how to take better care of his limbs by now. Anyway, Gippal got up the nerve to give him some pointers, and Nooj actually looked grateful.

Today looks to be more of the same. I'd say that I really wish the Maesters would make up their minds about what to do with us soon, but I'm not holding my breath.

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What was I saying about trouble earlier?

Trouble is Nooj. Nooj is trouble. Nooj is dangerous.

The boys were out late, and the evening was getting nippy, so Nooj and I built a fire near the spring, then sat by it and got to talking. He rarely sits on the ground, since getting up is so difficult for him, so he leaned, half standing, against a convenient boulder. I settled on the ground next to his feet, my back to the stone, and my head ended up resting on his right thigh. I don't even remember what we were discussing -- military matters of some sort, probably -- when he started playing with my hair again. I've always loved being petted like that and so arched my neck back in pleasure. And then I saw him, hair and eyes glinting almost golden in the firelight. Something about his strong face in the flickering light took my breath away completely, and I smiled.

Then his hand slid from my hair, caressing my shoulder on its way to covering my breast. And I placed my hand over his and pressed down -- all I could think of was my need to bring his warm palm and long, strong fingers as close to my body as I possibly could. I heard a breath catch in his throat, and the world stopped as I stared into his eyes.

I have never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted Nooj at that moment.

I don't know what would have happened if Gippal and Baralai hadn't returned right then. We heard them coming before we saw them, Nooj pulling away and standing up as if he had been burned at the first rustle. I don't know how much they saw. If it was anything at all, they will know -- there was no mistaking that scene as anything but a prelude to bed.

Truth be told, I'm not certain whether to be glad or sorry that they interrupted us.

Nooj disappeared almost immediately. Too bad, because Baralai was bursting with pride -- the shooting session had gone uncommonly well. He'd made several bulls-eyes in a row after hitting one for the first time. So flush was he with his newfound confidence that he tackled me, drawing me into a wresting match with irresistible enthusiasm. I beat him in the end, but only by tickling him into submission. He is so much fun to be around; it's much like I imagine having a little brother would have been, even if he is older than I am.

Why couldn't I have been attracted to Baralai instead? He's sweet, he's gentle, he's easy to talk to and simple to understand. Everything that Nooj is not. It's too late now, of course -- the brotherly image is well into my head, and the idea of touching him with anything other than friendly affection is far too weird. But maybe if I had thought of him differently before-- Oh, who am I kidding? Certainly not myself. I could never be remotely interested in Baralai as a lover, he's just too pretty and soft. I need someone with an edge, someone more like me.

Nooj has that edge. Boy does he ever. Maybe too much so; what if he cuts me to shreds?

I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I could just hope that it goes like it did before, that he acts like nothing happened. But if he doesn't, if he desires me as much as I want him, it may be too late to back out now.

197S9.9.01

Big day today. Nooj got called away this morning and then gathered us later to share the news he'd received -- he has our orders at last. About time. It's been, what, almost 20 days since I left Luca? Anyway, we'll be shipping out in eight days. That means that I will have lost over half a month of my life to mission prep by the time we get out of here, but at least there's an end in sight now. And the time should pass fairly quickly, since it sounds like Nooj will be keeping us busy -- foraging for weapons and supplies, giving lessons on how set up and break camp, etc. The lessons probably won't be anything I don't already know in theory, but the practice will do me good.

As soon as Nooj gave us our orders, Baralai caught my eye and smiled. Looks like he's genuinely excited about getting the chance to prove himself, and I'm so glad to see it. Not even a week ago, I was afraid that he'd run away screaming when this day came. So I couldn't help but smile back. I'm really proud of how far he's come already.

Apparently they didn't tell Nooj where we're going yet. Frankly, I don't really care. Anyplace but here will be just fine.

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Gippal finally came clean to Nooj about the shooting lessons, and we're all going to the firing range he improvised for a little exhibition match tomorrow. I haven't fired a gun in months -- not since the last time I took target practice with Berrick -- so I'm a little nervous about being rusty, but I'm also looking forward to it. I want to see whether Baralai's lessons have paid off, and I'm also madly curious to learn how Nooj handles a gun.

It's so strange to think about Berrick. He seems far away -- not from here, but from me, from my life. I remember how dangerous and exciting he seemed when I first became involved with him, the very illicitness of his race being half the appeal. Now I compare him to Nooj and he seems as safe and ordinary as-- I don't know, Baralai.

Fayth, I have got to stop going on and on about that man! I should probably just jump him and get it over with.