One More Confessional
Part Five
197S9.9.03
It took me a long time to get to sleep last night. But once I finally drifted off, I slept better than I have in years.
I still smell like him. The mild scent of his body and that unusual soap he uses, flavored with a faint tinge of machina oil -- it is all unmistakably Nooj, and every whiff arouses and comforts me at the same time. I should probably go bathe, but I don't really want to.
I wonder what happens now. He'll want to hide this from the guys, I expect. But how long can we make that stick in these close quarters? If we start sneaking off together every night, they'll figure out that something is up. Hell, if they saw us by the fire, they probably already know that something is up. I suppose we should talk about it tonight. If we meet tonight. I suspect that's likely.
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Gippal took me shooting today. He's an excellent teacher. Berrick was good with the basics, but Gippal had all kinds of advice on the proper grip and tricks for improving my aim. I already feel much more comfortable. I'd still rather be carrying a sword, but since that's not an option, I'll make the best of the gun.
Really, Nooj should ask for some lessons. I don't think Gippal would dare volunteer, and Nooj could definitely use the help. Maybe I'll suggest it.
Spending the morning with Gippal was fun as well as instructive. He's got a sharp wit and isn't afraid to make fun of the Maesters. I wonder if he picked up on the fact that I probably hate Yevon at least as much as he does. Well, considering how much I laughed at his comments, I'm going to guess that he figured it out.
I hope I didn't blow our new rapport when I didn't react well to his wisecrack about Nooj using the machina arm as a weapon. So much for covering up our-- relationship? Am I ready to call it that? Anyway, I just can't bring myself to laugh at any comment about Nooj's prosthetics, especially not after seeing those scars. I think it'll be okay, though; things were awkward for a few minutes after that, but then he made another Bevelle joke and the mood became easier. I look forward to some more sessions with him.
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Baralai wandered into camp a few minutes ago (and almost caught me writing, I need to be more careful about that). He was looking for Nooj; he didn't say why, but I can guess. There was a bruise on his cheek, just the right size and shape to have been caused by a slap, and he seemed shaken. I asked him about the mark, and he claimed it was kickback from his gun, but I don't buy it.
Nooj has got to back off. This relentless pushing will do nothing for Baralai's confidence; I suspect, in fact, that it will only make matters worse. Especially now that he knows we have some time before we need to be in fighting condition (we're going to be in the last group shipping out, Nooj got the orders today). Just because Baralai isn't a seasoned warrior-- I mean, he was a summoner! Fayth, Nooj must know how useful it will be to have a healer around. Maybe I should--
Huh. This is the third time today that I've thought about giving Nooj advice, or asking him a difficult and direct question. But I really have no idea whether that will be welcome. The fact remains that I don't actually know him all that well yet, or whether he considers me to be anything more than a bedmate. He may even be the sort of man who automatically makes a claim on the only available woman, whether he truly wants her or not. Although I have a feeling that, whatever he was like before, he's probably more discriminating about who he lets close since his injuries.
All this speculation-- Maybe I should hold off on asking him about anything serious, at least until I have a better idea of what he's thinking. Assuming that to be knowable.
At least one question is answered: he wants to see me tonight. When I returned to camp with Gippal, he caught my eye and raised an eloquent eyebrow. It was an invitation, and I accepted with the slightest nod.
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So that was enlightening.
We met at the pool as planned and immediately fell on one another. The resulting encounter was every bit as exquisite as the one we had last night. Afterwards, we got to talking, and it turns out that Nooj is actually jealous of my friendship with the guys. He never came out and said so, but I think he suspected that I was sleeping with every man on the team. I'm not sure whether to be flattered that he assumes I'm so universally desirable or insulted at the implication that I'll sleep with just anyone. Either way, it's silly of him to worry, but it's also oddly endearing -- the legendary Nooj, so confident in battle, is secretly insecure about his ability to attract and hold onto a woman. Even when that woman is so obviously captivated by him.
Anyway, I told him that my feelings towards Baralai and Gippal are strictly friendly; that, in a way, they are like the younger and older brothers I never had. I also managed to work in some of my concerns about Baralai's self confidence as well as a suggestion that he take weapons instruction from Gippal. He seemed reassured by my comments, and even more reassured when I started stroking him again.
It amazes me how much I hunger for him, how I simply cannot get enough of him. Every kiss, every caress, every sweep of his eyes over my body leaves me wanting more and more. He's a skilled lover, of course, clearly very experienced, but there's more to it than that. I've never felt this alive in anyone's arms.
I don't see how we're going to keep this a secret much longer, if it even is one now. There probably won't be much seclusion in the field. But the idea of giving him up is intolerable. I hope he feels as strongly as I do about finding a way to continue meeting.
197S.9.9.04
Nooj and Gippal headed off to the shooting range this morning. Finally.
Before he left, Nooj presented me with a small dagger that fits quite nicely in the top of my boot. I suspect he intends me to use it to preserve my virtue in case of capture. It was a sweet gesture, I suppose, but it took a great deal of self-control to keep from laughing. I prefer a larger blade if my virtue is threatened, thank you. In this as in many things, experience is the best teacher.
It's a nice little weapon, though. I'll certainly hang on to it.