197S9.9.15

The desert takes her toll.

I remember, when I was a young child and more open to questioning the priests who taught us, openly scoffing at the old priest who once scolded us for playing in the Bevelle sun too long. When he warned us that the sun can eat away at one's senses, I remember giggling with one of my fellow priestlings that it was most likely blessed wine which ate away at the priest's faculties; I believe I know better, now.

If I look back at the pages of this journal, I can see that it's only been a few days since we arrived here. Sense can grasp and hold onto that fact as well as ever, but my body and my mind seem to cry that we've been lost here for days on end. Of course, these cry, too, that I will never know water again and that I will soon be as dry and fragile as the leaves which lie between my skin and my robes. I cannot believe it, though. There is water to live on and, using the stars as guide, I can see that we are making good progress on our trek; I am only growing impatient as the last of childishness refuses to wither away and it only balks when good advice is given on conserving our water.

Yevon, am I really this weak?

It all only makes me glad that we have a capable leader in Nooj and a knowledgable guide in Gippal. From the briefest of glances we had of another squad a few days ago, we seem to be faring better than most as we have not yet had to fire on any of the other teams...not that we have had much oppurtunity to see anyone else. Perhaps it is for the best. Who can tell what this sun would demand of us if we were close to any other teams? Who can tell what it may demand of us to do to each other?

No.

No, I cannot believe it. We've come too close together to be turned by something so small and we've been too much supporting each other to suddenly draw into mutinous thought. Was this the Maesters' intent when they set us to this trial? Did they know that we would be bound together irrevocably by the desert sun? Or was it more that they hoped we'd all be nothing but more bleached bones in the sand by the time the month was through?

Ah, the sun is turning me paranoid. I think I must lay aside my journal for now.

1979.9.16

Nooj, he...and we couldn't...I...I just...why...Yevon, why didn't I...the way Paine was watching him yesterday...the way the battle was going...that sandbear...the...I...I don't understand.

I can't. I cannot dwell on this, now. Paine needs me. This must be so hard on her, to learn that her lover is a...is in such a way. I cannot imagine how this must have shaken her, but I suppose I don't have to imagine it; she's sitting right here, leaning against me. She's shaking like a kitten left in a Bevellen blizzard and her eyes have a faraway look that I'm not entirely sure I like; if she does not show signs of calming, I may try to offer her a draught of something to calm her, even if it is not the most honest means of working with the crisis at hand. What choice do I have? We cannot function with all of us in this state of...shock? Betrayal? Awkwardness? I do not even know how to properly term it, but I suppose the best word is the most honest: Deathseeker.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have finally convinced Paine to go and speak with Nooj. It seems the only reasonable course of action. If anyone has the right to speak to him of what happened, then it would have to be her. Perhaps she'll be able to help him to see reason. Perhaps she'll be able to give him reason. Perhaps she'll help him work beyond this in a way Gippal or I cannot.

...even in writing, the words sound so hollow.

I do not even know if we have a right to try to talk him back; if this is what he desires more than anything in this world, do we have a right to hold him back from it? If he only wishes for the freedom of the afterlife, do we have a right to bind him to the pain of the flesh?

"Pain of the flesh". It must be so true for him. It must be so hard to be bound in such a body. It must be so painful to have the unnatural limbs and additions. They obviously hurt him and they obviously make movement a trial; perhaps it would be best if he had freedom from them and whatever mark they have made beyond the flesh. Perhaps it is only our own selfishness which make us want to keep him here with us.

Selfish. So selfish.

I feel as if I should keep my eyes on him all the time, now. I feel as if I should sit him as one would a child, but I know what would come of such an effort. Yevon, I don't want to see him walk into such a death! I do not wish to lose him in that manner! It has not been so long, but I refuse to lose another person to whom I have grown close! I am selfish but why is it so terrible? It is a part of this! We must all come through this together or the victory will be hollow!

...I will find a way. I will find something--some salve or pill or draught--that will ease the pain that drives him to this. If it requires it, I will spend every hour experimenting to find a way. I cannot...I cannot fail Nooj, not after all he has done.

197S9.9.17

I have heard of beasts which could scent water, but I've never seen a man do so, until yesterday.

I do not know if it is an inborn trait, but Gippal managed to scent out water from the sands and we were able to finally have a satisfying drink. Our bodies seemed to be satisfied and our canteens were full, so we took rest in what little shade we have found; we take rest, we no longer sleep.

I have not seen any of us sleep since the incident of yesterday. I do not know if it is fear or concern which keeps us alert, but it seems to be common to all of us. It cannot be helped; no one could witness such a thing and not be changed. Even Gippal has grown quieter and more thoughtful. I would try to speak to him about it, but...what would I say? I have no words of comfort nor of wisdom. I have nothing which would be of use to him. I can only watch this silently and pray that the outcome does not tear all of us apart.

197S9.9.18

It should only be one more day before we reach our destination, if I am reading the stars correctly.

I will be so glad to be free of this and it is no longer only because of the unending sun; it will be good to be free of the continuous reminders of what happened in these sands. It will be good to be free of the constant jolt of remembering how I had been utterly unable to react quickly enough and what would have happened if Paine had not been more alert than I...

I believe she is still deeply troubled and I can see that Gippal is, as well. No one speaks of what has happened nor is it referred to, even in casual conversation; it's almost as if we believe that we can ban that particular part of our leader if we ignore it long enough.

It's foolishness, of course.

This has become such a presence in our squad that it may as well be another member. I do not think that there is anything any of us can do to forget it and I'm not entirely sure that we should; it is important. It is another tie that binds us all together as a squad and it may be what allows us to have strength to come through. It changes nothing. If anything, it only makes me more firm in my resolve to follow my squad leader wherever he may go.