197S9.9.19

If it always gives me so much time to work, I may have to ply the others with brandy more often, even if they managed quite well on their own. Honestly, I really am rather glad that Paine and Gippal both enjoyed it so well, even if they are now curled together in a corner. It's almost cute to see them lying so; I'm half tempted to try my hand at Paine's recording equipment, but I'm slightly wary of what she may do if she ever found the sphere of it. It could be worth it...

It has been quite a productive few hours, though. I have managed to refine a strong seasickness remedy which now lies in Nooj's hands; I only hope that it'll be strong enough to keep him comfortable during the next leg of our journey and that he'll remember to take it before he boards the boat. Perhaps I should ask Paine to remind him, as I believe she's the only one who could possibly get away with doing so. I also need to remember to offer her the last of the sunscreen and sunburn ointment so that her burns don't pain her too badly and so that she has a spare supply in case she ever finds herself in such conditions again.

I've managed to use all of the herbs and minerals which I've found in the desert...except for one particular type of leaf and one particularly odd bit of stone. I'm not sure of these. They are close to other types I've used before, but the scent and texture of them is quite different. I do not believe that they are poisonous, but I should be careful, regardless. If I am correct about them, though, they may be just the thing I need.

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I've decided to mix the two stray, unknown ingredients to see if they form the expected potion. Of course, until I can be sure what'll happen, I'll have to experiment on myself, but such is the price of these pursuits.

As I was working on this, Paine and Gippal awakened. They seem to still be in rather high spirits, so I suppose the brandy must have been rather strong; it tasted strong on Gippal's breath, at least, but that's not a very good indicator. If nothing else, the brandy seems to make him rather

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Thank Yevon that messenger didn't find me two minutes earlier! As it was, I had to put up with him oggling me as I stood waist-deep in the pool, but it would have been rather worse if he had found me on my back under Gippal...

Regardless, the Maesters seem to want to speak with me again. I know that they've been interviewing all who were present at the duel in hopes of finding the pistols, so I suppose they think they'll be able to pressure me into explaining exactly what happened to them. It makes sense that they would believe so; I am, after all, an ex-summoner in Yevon and they probably believe that I would be the only one willing to give them the truth in this. It's rather sad that they cannot see beyond their own ignorance, but that does seem to be a glaring fault in the religion.

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It was only more of the same.

They set the same questions as they had before and, once again, I played the part of a frightened child too trauamatized by the fact that I had killed to remember any of it. I even used the same wet-eyed stares and deep frowns as before, as well as the exaggerated hobbling whenever they asked me to walk; they seemed to accept it all fairly well, but I could see doubt behind some of their understanding smiles. I do not think they trust me, entirely. Their eyes speak this well, but it is also coming through their words; they have begun to invoke Yevon's name in their questioning of me, no doubt believing that I would never dream of lying in such circumstances, and they have made me swear oaths that I am telling the truth when I say that I know nothing of the pistols.

...what could I do? I lied. I lied as if I were lying directly to the face of Yu Yevon, himself. I did it with tears that, this time, were not entirely faked. I know that Yevon is no longer such a large part of my life, but to have lied so blantantly to our very god...

It does not matter. My loyalty now stands with Nooj, Gippal, and Paine. They have been the ones to see me through this, not Yevon. I will give anything for them and I will do it gladly. I must. It is as it must be. I will not let that Maester Seymour's words sink into my mind; he does not know of what he speaks! He does not understand the bonds which have formed between us. He does not know that the Gippal--the heathen as he called him--has shown so many more trustworthy traits than I have ever seen in so many of the 'devout'. He does not understand the magnitude of what they've done for me. He cannot see that they would never turn on me...would never betray me...would never 'leave me to rot in the sun for a mere moment of comfort or rest'. They understand nothing.

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Nooj seemed rather amused when I described for him what happened during my latest interview and, though I omitted any mention of the oaths made or of the doubts the Maesters tried to plant, he seemed rather satisfied that I had done my job rather well. He also seemed quite amused when I demonstrated my expression of wide-eyed innocence and, though he did not laugh outright, I could see the amusement dwelling in his eyes. It's an odd thing; I cannot recall ever seeing or hearing Nooj laugh, but it is somehow just as satisfying to see honest amusement in his expression or hiding in his eyes. It could just be because it is such a foreign expression for him, but it's so gratifying to know that I brought him a moment of amusement; it sounds odd to say so, but I think this may be among my favorite memories of this time, especially since it is one of the rare happy ones.

It was after this that Paine approached me as I experimented with my unknown ingredients and, though she was curious as to what I was making, I couldn't really explain to her that I've been experimenting in hopes of finding a painkiller strong enough to numb Nooj's pain. I do not wish, after all, to get hopes up before I know what I have since, for all I know, I could be brewing something very dangerous or even something hopelessly benign; I'll just have to see what comes of it after it sets for a while. Thankfully, she let the subject drop gracefully and, after a bit of chatting about the situation at hand, she turned the conversation to my current situation with Gippal.

I know that there is really no need for me to be coy about it since I'm quite sure that both Paine and Nooj are very much aware of the fact that I'm Gippal's battle boy; there is, after all, only so much room and Gippal has never been all that quiet. Still, I tried to be demure about it, but Paine managed to draw out most of the truth in her usual sly manner. I thought I would be clever by slipping in a slight exaggeration about Gippal's ability, but Paine quite easily caught me in it. Smirking, she tackled me to the ground and it soon dissolved into a playful wrestling match. When she managed to sink her fingernails into a sensitive part of my anatomy during this, I voiced a squeal which was loud enough to even wake Gippal from his drunken rest and he immediately chose to join us. After a while, we all settled and we soon decided to take turns telling tales. Before long, this evolved into a game where we would each tell a few facts of ourselves and, if we were caught in a truth, the other two would attack.

It was a very interesting game and, though it was sometimes a bit difficult to tell the truths from the lies, I believe I learned more of Paine and Gippal from this than I have from anything else; they both have so many fascinating things to share, though I do rather hope some of the things--Paine having to kill so young and Gippal being part of the group of summoner-kidnappers which took me--are lies, I'm glad to be able to know them. I, however, am utterly terrible at this game. I don't really think I got away with any of my truths...well...that's not exactly true. Neither of them took the fact that a fellow priestling once led me to and abandoned me in a strange maze below Bevelle as truth, but that does sound a lot like a lie, doesn't it? Especially when I add that I was nearly killed by a large ruby dragon. I don't recall ever seeing my father so livid with me and I couldn't even properly speak to apologize...

Gippal told the most fascinating tale, though. I believe he must have still been feeling the effects of the brandy as he described to us, in vivid detail, his Home. I know that it is only a myth and that it is something which was destroyed long ago, but the way he told it and the longing in his voice and in his eye...it was easy to think that it could well stand in these very sands. It sounded like such an odd yet fascinating place; all that machina and metal...I cannot even begin to picture it. I can understand, though, why it would hold such meaning to Gippal, aside from the fact that it's his ancestral home: it is likely the one reason Al Bhed can survive in such forbidding surroundings...well...that and the natural drive and endurance which I've witnessed within Gippal, and it likely something which lies dear to the heart of every Al Bhed. I still cannot believe he shared that with us, even if it must have been a lie. I almost wish to ask him more about it, but I'm not sure my position is good enough or that I'm close enough for him to entrust such things to me. I am, after all, still bearing Yevon's mark...

Nooj watched us as we played this game, yet he seemed wholly disinclined to join us. I'm not sure if it's only that such games are below him or if he doesn't wish to share even fabricated lies about himself; I suppose it does not matter. He is our leader. He must be above and separate from us. It is a shame, but I don't think there is anything we an do for it.

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While we were resting, the other teams arrived.

No, that's not right.

The remains of the other teams arrived. There are only two other teams--besides ours--which survived intact; the others are all decimated. Even those who survived are in rather desperate shape and they all loiter around in the sands like lost and broken toys. Nooj has agreed to allow them access to the fresh water, but even thirst can't stir some of them; some of them seem to be able to do nothing more than to sit and to stare.

Is this what the Maesters were planning, to have nothing more than broken and staring men at the end of the trek? Did they mean to leave all of us to rot in the sun?

No! I won't allow it. I know that it is supposed to be every squad and every man for himself, but there is a point where this meaningless competition fails to matter; if I can comfort them, then I must. If I can ease their pain--physical or mental--then it is my duty to do so. I may no longer be a typical priest of Yevon, but I am still a human being.