197S9.9.19
I believe I've done all I can for the scattered members of the other teams, though I'll continue to check on them until we leave. After all, it is the least I can do to make up for the Maesters' negligence and, besides, I have never seen a group of bodies more in need; their sicknesses and their wounds must be old for how they have festered and, in a few cases, poisoned limbs were lopped off without any consideration of other means of care, leaving infected stumps in their wake.
Is this always how such wounds are treated in fighting battalions or is it only because there are none here who are trained in healing? I would think, though, that even laymen would know the basic cures for poison and, even if not, that they would find a better means than cutting away an entire arm for a small poisoned wound in the wrist. Even if they had no antidotes and didn't know that the native plants carry natural anti-toxins, couldn't they figure out that they could draw the poison out with their mouths? It is a crude means, but it is surely better than resorting to cutting away an otherwise healthy limb. It makes me wonder why the men were not briefed in such things before they were sent to this place, but that could be my own ignorance of the normal way of the military. Perhaps I was just spoiled in that I was grouped together with a competent leader who clearly knows what must be done and how best to reach our goals. Perhaps I was spoiled because my group is able to work smoothly together to use our natural skills to survive. Maybe we had an advantage over them in this, but, then again, we worked hard to discover and to use these skills; it should not then be a source of guilt, correct? Normally, I would think so, but, when I cast my eyes out to the loose groups of survivors, I can only see Dani weeping quietly to himself.
Dani is the only survivor of Squad Four, their recorder. Ever since he arrived, he's only sat on the very edge of the gathered bodies and, rocking himself gently, he does nothing but cry. I have not seen anyone--aside from Paine who seems to know him from her days as a blitzball recorder--try to reach out to him and it seems that the others are only waiting for him to succumb to the weight of his grief. It's a terrible thing to see, but it's also understandable; the survivors have no time for the weak, those who will probably be dead in a few hours, and it seems so obvious that Dani will no longer even lift a hand to care for himself. I wonder how he managed to make it this far in such a state, but I would not dare to voice such a question.
I went to him after I had finished tending the others, but he did not even blink to acknowledge my presence; he only stared through me and, though I spoke to him in my softest tones, he either did not hear or he was too far gone to respond. I can see no severe wounds on his body, but, even before I went to him, I knew that the physical was not the source of his trouble; he is so far gone in his mind that he seems to no longer be able to sense or to realize the physical. I held water in my hands for him to drink, but he would not part his lips; in the end, I had to force his mouth to open so that I could pour the water into it and then I had to tip back his head so that he would swallow. I do not know how he will survive what remains of the journey, especially since none of the other survivors have any interest in helping him and he seems stubbornly opposed to doing anything to perserve himself. I do not know what to do for him. I cast him to sleep before I left, but it is a weak solution. I'm tempted to try to appeal to the Maesters on his behalf, but I am slightly afraid of what they'd suggest.
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I have finished the painkiller I was brewing for Nooj and, after swallowing some myself, I can declare that it comes with no apparent side-effects. It managed to completely dull the ache in my hip and, though this is likely nothing compared to the pain Nooj must be in, I have hope that it'll be enough to relieve him. It is, after all, supposed to be one of the strongest tonics we're allowed to brew and, by strict rules of the church, it is only supposed to be administered in a situation where there is no hope for complete recovery, much like this one. I only hope that it is enough to dull Nooj's pain and that it'll ease his wariness a bit so that he may be able to see that there is more to life and existence than pain and darkness. It may be a feeble hope, but I'll simply be grateful if it manages to make things even marginally better for him.
Naturally, I have given the pills to Paine so that she may distribute them to Nooj as needed. After all, I don't think Nooj would be too glad to realize that I know of his current burden and, further, that I found it to be so pitiful that I was stirred to help him; not that I aided him through pity, but I am rather afraid that's how Nooj may see it. I imagine it must be terribly difficult for someone as he to ever ask help, so it makes it all the more important that we try to be aware of when he is in most need of us, right? It is likely what allowed us to survive the long trek through the desert and it may be what allows us to see this trial through to the end.
197S9.9.20
Praise Yevon, Nooj accepted the pills!
He did so last evening, by Paine's hand, and he seems to already be feeling the effects, this morning. It is hard to know, without questioning him, exactly how well the painkiller worked, but he does seem to be moving with more ease and more freedom; I cannot even begin to describe how glad this makes me! If these painkillers work so well for him, then, perhaps, I can find something which will stir Dani from his stupor; I have not given up hope on that yet!
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Gippal's gone back to sleep, but I think this is only because I bested him five times in a row in the simple dice game--beka, he called it--which he taught me last evening. He is a good man, honestly, but he has an ego to rival that of Yevon; I will simply make sure I didn't wound it too badly later.
For now, I believe I should go check on Dani. I have not seen him come to the pool to wash nor to drink and I rather fear that none of the other survivors would think to help him; it is a sad state of affairs, but I believe I may have to bribe one of them into taking care of him. Hmph, having to bribe men into helping their fellow man; what has become of the spirit of charity or even to our common bond as human beings? It seems to be as lost as the souls of those who died in the desert. It is a desperately sad notion, but I have no idea what may be done for it.
Well, nothing is being done while I sit here and write on the moral decay of Spira, is it? If no one else is willing to do so, then I will bring Dani to the water and help him to refresh himself.
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Dani shows no improvement since yesterday.
He allowed me to lead him into the cave and into the water, but I have the feeling that he would have just as easily followed me into the mouth of a fiend. He made no move to disrobe himself when we came to the water's edge and, even in the water, he was just as content to stand as to do anything else. In the end, it was I who had to scrub him clean and, even then, he showed none of the expected pleasure in the cool freshness of the water; he showed no indication that he was even aware that he had been moved.
I can guess that he must have seen something terrible out in the desert and this is what is causing him to shut down; the only thing I cannot guess is how to pull him back from this state. If the wound is mental, it is far more difficult to treat; it is not impossible, necessarily, but it is hard to know what would help and what would only deepen the existing wound. I am hoping that the compound I'm about to mix will stimulate him, both physically and mentally, so that he may at least be able to share his pain. I do not honestly think that there is a potion which can cure him, but it might be a good stimulus to indicate the healing which he so deeply needs.
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That paste was not...
...I...I do not think I will be giving that compound to Dani, after all; it is quite a stimulant, but not in the way which Dani needs. I am only glad that it is my habit to experiment on myself before giving any cure to anyone else, even if I'm not sure Gippal feels the same way about it.
It was...I'm not entirely sure which ingredient caused it, but it was one of the strongest sexual stimulants I have ever encountered. The moment I took it, I felt much as I usually do after Gippal has spent many long moments running his talented fingers over my skin and teasing me. I was so ready and so desperate that I felt as if I couldn't wait another second for relief. I needed Gippal; I wanted him as I never wanted anything before. I didn't give him a chance to reject me; I kissed him as hard as he had kissed me when he was under the brandy's influence and I all but tore the clothes from him. I...took him. It was the first time I was ever in a position over him, but it felt as if it had to be in that way; nothing else would have satisfied.
It was an incredible experience and the release I found in it was beyond anything I have ever felt before; the only problem is that I'm not sure Gippal enjoyed it quite as much. I believe it may have been his first time to be in such a position and I know that it can be painful, especially when your partner is not being especially careful. Since then, I've noticed that he's been giving furtive glances to the rest of us, almost as if he's afraid that he's now wearing some mark of the fact that I took position over him; it's almost cute, even if it does make me feel a touch guilty. I suppose I'll just forget the compound and, if he desires it, I'll allow him to reclaim his rightful place, later tonight...even if I might be tempted to try this again, sometime.
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We're soon to break camp so that we can make ready for the last part of our journey. Paine and I just finished a final round of healing for those still in need and, as I'm not sure we'll need them so much from now on, I've left a supply of potions, ointments, and treatments with each of the groups so that they'll be able to tend themselves. Of course, as we'll likely all be together on the boat, they'll probably still seek us out, but at least the attempt has been made to make them somewhat self-reliant.
Dani is another case, entirely. He still shows no signs of recovering and I have little hope that he'll ever be able to fully function on his own. Against my best judgment, I've decided to bribe another of the recorders--the one from Team Three--to help Dani as much as he is able so that he may be able to, at least, make it back to the mainland. Once there, maybe they'll be able to entrust him to the care of a temple so that he'll have the care he truly needs. It is a bleak outlook, but there is little that can be done for one who does not wish to recover.