197S9.9.21

It's getting harder to sleep.

By rights, I should be exhausted after expending this much energy and I will admit that my body is quite fatigued; it's just my mind that will not allow me to rest. I keep thinking of all we've been through since we arrived on this island and that leads me to wonder what will come next. If they've already exposed us to something which reduced a large number of strong, healthy men to a dispirited and injured mass, what further could they do to make us into a fighting force? Does the fact that only three squads came through mostly unmarred testify to the fact that we're so much better or is it just that we were the few lucky ones? What kept us from ending this in the same state as those who will have to adjust to the loss of normal bodily function or those who will never be mentally whole again? What, exactly, are the Maesters planning for us?

...it scares me.

It truly scares me to think what we may have to further endure under the Maesters' watchful eyes. It scares me that they and their priests can sit in comfort while those injured in their futile trials must suffer without their aid. I can understand that warriors cannot depend on others for relief, but, in this case, what good does their suffering bring? It only makes them more likely to be killed during the continued trials and, if that is what the Maesters want, then why not just shoot them now and be done with it?

I almost dread boarding the boat later today. I dread the thoughts which will not leave my mind in peace. Every time I close my eyes, I can only picture one of us--Nooj or Gippal or Paine--in the same state as Dani and it chills me to the marrow. What do we have which could protect us from that...or from something worse? There is nothing. There is no strength nor any alchemic compound nor any spell which could protect against such damage; even the unbreakable will that seems common to this squad likely would not be enough, if something horrific happened. We would be helpless in its face.

I should not entertain these thoughts, not when I have such a wonderful source of comfort so near at hand. I know that I likely rely on Gippal a bit too much, but, in these dark hours, who will notice? Nooj is busy with Paine and all the other survivors are too deeply involved with themselves to care for much else; it is not a sin to seek comfort in another and, if I just curl against his side, then I will not even have to wake him.

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The Maesters summoned me so that they could question me about the pistols again.

Their desperation is starting to show; they no longer put up any pretense that they have only a casual interest in the weapons' whereabouts and any professional courtesy they once showed me is gone. They asked pointed questions and, as before, I stammered that I simply could not remember anything. It was the same old dance to the same old tune...

...well, almost.

I don't know what brought it to the forefront of my mind--it could have been the boredom of being interrogated in the same manner for the third or fourth time or it could be because I was thinking of the pistols; regardless of the source, I started to think of the fact that Gippal has had them hidden since the duel and, from that, I was led to think of the night when I took that strange stimulant. Naturally, the events which followed taking it are not exactly clear, even now, but I do remember that Gippal forcefully shoved my hands away from his belt when I was trying to remove his pants. In itself, this is not overly odd, but he has been doing that same thing ever since the duel. Beyond that, I can remember that I was stroking what I thought to be Gippal, but, if that was he, then he was more firm than I ever knew a man could get...

The Maesters interrupted me before I could follow these thoughts any further and, caught in remembering such a moment, I know that must have flushed. Naturally, they took this as a show of guilt and renewed their questioning. The pistol's grip still on my mind, I spoke of it before I could stop myself and, from their expressions, I could see that they thought they were seconds away from victory. They continued to press, but I only took the time to roll my eyes and to act as if I were trying as hard as I could to remember. In the end, I offered the fact that the pistol had odd crimson runes on the grip and that it must have been quite important to have been marked so. The look on the Maesters' faces when I spoke this...I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing outright. Soon after this, they dismissed me and, returning to the cave, I related the story to the others. Naturally, I left out my suspicions about Gippal, but everyone seemed rather amused by the tale, all the same.

I do have to wonder, though: I know that Gippal was the one responsible for hiding and disposing of the pistols but would he keep them on his person like that? Could he stand to have something so mangled and unholy so near to him? Has he been bearing them all along as a reminder or is he just waiting for the right moment to be rid of them?

I'm almost tempted to ask him about it, but, in truth, I really don't want to know. It is a horribly childish way of thinking, but I do not want to know nor to think about them; I'm happy in my ignorance, but...if he does have to carry them...it's not really proper that he should have to bear them on his own, is it? He shouldn't have to carry such a burden unaided.

I don't know...I really don't know. I want to help him, but bringing it up might be opening the wound anew. I suppose I'll just let the thought lie for now. There is no need to bring it up when there is already so much to think about and I know that he would not be carrying them of his own will.

There was good news, though! Nooj has taken the lead over all the remnants of the various squads for the remainder of this trial. He's already divided the recruits among us: He has taken command of all the healthy recruits, Paine is fighting at his side, Gippal has taken the stragglers, and I am keeping over the injured. It's a wonderful plan and far better than anything the Maesters would have suggested. They, after all, seem happy to stay close behind us, well protected under their veil of spells. It doesn't even occur to them that it would be so much better if they were to be with us, to march with us and to help us to tend to those who are injured. I know that they have more healing ability than I; why aren't they helping us with their skill instead of tagging along in complete safety and comfort? It's as if they know nothing of how things should be run...

It is likely just my tired mind, but, as we four march to the beach in this formation, it's so easy to imagine us as leading so much more than four separate, small groups of worn warriors; it's so easy to see Paine and Nooj rallying together all the warriors in Spira to face Sin, then, when Sin has fallen, settling to positions of leadership. It's so easy to see Gippal gathering together the scattered Al Bhed and, in a time of new peace, spreading the knowledge and understanding of machina to people who have come to realize the worth of his people. And me? I do not know. Perhaps I would return to Bevelle and, in the place of Yevonism, I could spread the truth...the real truth which has been hidden for so long.

...ahahah. The sun must be affecting me if I'm giving thought to such daydreams.

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I have never seen anything so...

Gippal wrestled a sandworm!

I do not know how he knew it would be there, but, as soon as it breached the surface, he was on its back. I could not see exactly what he did to it as I was a bit busy tending to those injured in the last attack by the poison lizards, but what I could see what simply...astounding. I've never seen anything like it in my life and I still don't know whether to laugh, to applaud Gippal's sheer bravado, or to hit him for doing something so needlessly reckless. For how he's swaggering around, he does seem rather proud of himself for it, though, and I know that the water which he freed from the sandworm's skin will be very useful; I suppose I really can't do anything but laugh.

Another wonderful skill shown at the most random of moments; I have to wonder what we'll see next.

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Finally, the beach!

Well, we've actually been here for a while now, but we had to rid the shore of all the fiends before we could allow the rest to follow. It did not take much to defeat the strange eyeball monsters--I knocked them from the air and Paine squished them under her boots--and Nooj and Gippal made short work of the odd snake-like fiends. It was odd, though; as we were fighting, we were all taken with such euphoria that even Nooj had to laugh and, covered in the remains of the fiends, we all ran into the surf as soon as the beach was clear. In the cool water, we wrestled and splashed and I even tackled Gippal at the water's edge. Thankfully, I managed to find my senses before I kissed him in full view of the rest of the recruits, but at least I was not the only one affected so; Nooj nearly kissed Paine before dunking her into the water. Really, it's rather nice to see them in such high spirits, but everyone seems to be in high spirits ever since we've taken the shore.

...well, nearly everyone.

Dani continues to sit off on his own and, though I tried to draw him into the surf so that he could enjoy the water, he backed away with a faint whimper. I suppose I should be glad that he showed some sign of life, but I'm more worried that he doesn't even wish to take water, now; is this just a sign that he's committed to allowing himself to waste away?

I tried to appeal to the Maesters on his behalf, earlier, but they claimed that they could do nothing...that it would be showing favoritism if they were to allow Dani passage back to the mainland and to release him from the trials.

Such blatant lies! It would not be favoritism; it would be doing a favor for a very sick man! Cannot they even see that Dani has no hope of surviving these trials? Don't they realize that they best we can do for him is to allow him to be seen by one of the temple healers? Or is it only that they don't care for any of us, that it's nothing to them that we may suffer and die by their negligence? I cannot believe that I ever looked up to or admired such cruel men; what could I have been thinking?

I suppose there is nothing I can do, aside from continuing to look after Dani. Perhaps, once we reach the mainland, I can find a way to sneak him out of camp and to the nearest temple; it would not be hard to convince the Maesters that he had just wandered away. If they don't believe that, then I'll just take whatever punishment they may offer; it'd be worth it.

Enough of this, the sun is about to set and I believe I see a secluded area behind a few trees; perhaps I can finally make up to Gippal for the missed sunset and the missed sea spray kissed closeness from the last boat ride.