Fertility

After they'd returned to the Abbey, Cora finally accepted that she needed to see Dr. Clarkson. Especially after she was sick drinking her morning orange juice. When Baxter removed her breakfast tray, she asked her maid to fetch the doctor.

Cora laid down as she waited, grateful that Baxter hadn't pinner her hair yet. Sybil's season had been especially busy, and Cora was older than when she'd hosted Mary and Edith's. It was only natural that she was a bit sleepy.

All at once there was a knock at her door, and Cora opened her eyes, realizing she was more tired than she'd thought. "Lady Grantham?" said Dr. Clarkson's voice in his Scottish brogue.

Cora sat up in her bed, trying to appear more presentable, even if he were a doctor preparing for an examination. "You may come in, please."

The doctor stood by Cora's bed, holding his physician's bag. "What seems to be the trouble?" he said, all business. "Is your leg bothering you again?" He eyed her offending leg, as if preparing to study it again, as he'd done countless times in the last couple of months.

Cora smiled, glad that that aliment at least, was over. "No, Dr. Clarkson. Thanks to you, my leg is fine now. I have other concerns now. I have been experiencing periods where my body is warmer than normal for the past few months." Dr. Clarkson's eyes widened a bit and he nodded. "I though nothing of them, but now I often feel sick. The train from London was the worst." She shook her head remembering how many times she'd almost been sick all over her and Robert that afternoon. "I had to drink cup after cup of ginger tea. And this morning, I was sick."

Dr. Clarkson blinked a couple of times, assessing this information, and Cora struggled not to yawn in the silence. She truly was a lot sleepier than she'd expected. Finally, he spoke again. "And how has your women's cycle been?"

Pausing, Cora thought for several moments. Ordinarily, O'Brien would gather the necessary items at exactly the right time, as she'd known Cora's routine so well. Baxter was working well and was especially helpful during Sybil's season, but sometimes Cora still longed for the easy understanding she and O'Brien had established.

"It must have been before O'Brien left…" Cora said slowly, realizing it had been a few months ago. Did that mean…Her heartbeat faster at the very possiblity. No of course not. Thinking further back, Cora then remembered O'Brien had gathered the necessary items a couple of times before she left, only for Cora no to need them after all. "No, it was before that. Christmastime, maybe?" She sighed. "I'm sorry, Dr. Clarkson. I should keep better track of these things."

The doctor nodded. "No worries, Lady Grantham," he said kindly, although his mustache covered further expressions. He was quiet once again, and Cora reminded herself how impolite it would be to take a nap in his presence.

He leaned in closer, studying her face. "Are you often tired as well, Lady Grantham?"

His loud voice snapped Cora's eyes fully open. "Yes, I suppose, but Sybil's season was rather busy. I'm sorry, I should behave better as you've come at my request."

The doctor moved his head back. "No bother," he said slowly, as if he were thinking about something. "May I examine you now, Lady Grantham?"

Cora sighed and nodded. She knew this was coming. At she was still in her nightdress, so she could remove it easily.

Dr. Clarkson studied her breasts, her stomach, and even her nether regions for several moments, measuring and probing in a way that only made Cora more nervous. What was the problem?

"You may wear your nightdress again, Lady Grantham," he said, finally, stepping back from her and the bed. Cora quickly covered herself, but she was still anxious about what her aliment may be. Her stomach flipped repeatedly, and she hoped she wouldn't be sick again.

"I'm afraid this is a bit confusing, because you have more than one… condition, Lady Grantham," Dr. Clarkson said slowly, stepping closer to her bed again, but still standing a few feet away.

Her stomach flipped again. What did he mean?

"Are you aware when a woman reaches a certain age, her body changes? So, she can no longer bare children?" His voice sounded professional, but Cora heard the words like knives in her heart. She knew and Robert couldn't have any more children. She'd known it for years and tried to pretend it didn't bother her. That was why Robert had taken to training Cousins Patrick and Mathew in running the estate.

But now her body wouldn't allow that possiblity, either. Tears filler Cora's eyes, but she nodded, understanding. She was experiencing the Change.

"The thing is, sometimes a woman can experience a height of fertility during that change," Dr. Clarkson's voice said. Cora nodded, although she didn't understand what he meant or why it could matter. He'd just told her she was unable to have any more children. "Clearly, that is what has happened to you, because you are with child."

Cora couldn't stop her mouth from dropping open. "Excuse me?" Didn't he just say she couldn't have any more children?

Dr. Clarkson sighed. "It's not common, but it is possible to become pregnant while a woman is undergoing the change. It's difficult to tell how far along you are, but probably about three or four months along."

A couple of tears ran down her face, but this time they were from joy. "It has to be three months, because Robert and I didn't…" she felt her face flush at what she was implying…"while my leg was broken."

She could see Dr. Clarkson's smile underneath his mustache. "Quite."

OOOOOOOOO

Robert arrived shortly after Dr. Clarkson left, without a smile. Instead, there was a frown on his face and his eyes betrayed his fear. "Cora, why was the doctor here?" His voice was sharp, as if he were trying not to be angry. "Is it your leg again? Or something to do with those hot spells?"

Cora smiled, unable to keep her happiness a secret. "No, darling," she said gently, in the voice that always soothed his temper. "I'm pregnant." She'd always loved saying those words to him, but she took a special satisfaction today.

His eyes widened further than she'd ever seen them. "Pregnant?" he said, almost as if he couldn't understand the word.

"Don't look so shocked," Cora said, shaking her head. Perhaps it was a bit hypocritical to be almost hurt by his surprise, but she loathed how people treated her over the years as it became more and more clear she was no longer fertile.

But now, she was in fact fertile. She was pregnant.

Robert nodded, as he sat on the bed, his eyes still huge. "Give me a minute. You haven't been pregnant in eighteen years."

"And I'm pregnant now," Cora said proudly, placing her hand on her stomach.

"I don't understand what we've done differently," he said, still shocked. She was still waiting for him to say how wonderful this was. Could it be possible he wasn't happy? Robert didn't like change, after all, and he'd already accepted a lot of them in the past couple of years, with the new rules for the House of Lords, Mathew's arrival, Mary and Mathew's marriage, and most recently, several new servants.

Perhaps her pregnancy was just too much for him. "But your happy?" Cora couldn't help but say.

His face broke into a large grin and his blue eyes sparkled in the way she loved. "Of course," he said, kissing both of her hands. Joy exploded from Cora, especially as he began placing little kisses all over her stomach.

When he pulled her onto the bed with him, her own eyes widened. Robert shocked her in a good way. Any doubts Cora had about him not being happy faded as she giggled. Her hands played with his greying hair as he kissed her, and they rolled around on their bed.

Her heart swelled and she felt love surround her completely even more than she normally did when she was with Robert on their bed.

They were having another baby.

"I suppose I'll have to tell Mathew soon," Robert said after several moments. His voice was serious but the expression on his face and the way he stroked her hair showed how happy his still was. "He'll be the most affected if…well…" His eyes darted toward the wall, unable to say what was on both their minds.

If the baby were a boy. The hope made them both feel guilty, as if they didn't love the daughters they had enough.

"And Mary," Cora said with a sigh. The girl had her heart set on being the nest mistress of Downton. "But all of the girls should know. I'll tell them tonight."

"And I'll tell Mathew when we're alone in the dining room," Robert said. Then he leaned over and gave her a warm kiss, reminding her of how wonderful this was for both of them.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Robert's eyes danced every time she looked at him during dinner, once again reminding Cora of how wonderful this news was. "Shall we go through?" she said after they finished dessert, as she always did. But Robert looked directly at her and nodded, understanding that now was the time to reveal their news.

Cora nodded in return, and purposely brushed past him as she walked, needing his strength. Mary would not take this well. She smiled, reminding herself again why she was so happy.

She and Robert were having another baby.

"I have some news," Cora said as she, Mary, Edith, and Sybil settled in the drawing room. Her mind held onto Robert's kisses this morning, and she deliberately didn't look at Mary. "I'm…with child."

There. She said it. The drawing room was silent for a moment, before Sybil stood up and said, "Oh, Mama, that's wonderful." Then she embraced Cora, filling her with joy, as Sybil often did. "Grace will have a playmate in the nursery." Cora broke into a grin, picturing her granddaughter and her new baby growing up together. Hopefully, they'd get on better than Mary and Edith.

"I knew it," Mary said with a sigh. Her voice was neutral, and Cora hoped that meant she wasn't angry, after all, but Mary was an expert at controlling her emotions when she wished. "I suspected you might be with all the ginger tea you drank on the train ride, but I told myself you understood what a foolish idea that was." She shook her head.

Cora finally turned towards Mary, reminding herself that she'd expected Mary would be upset. But the idea that she'd gotten pregnant just to cause trouble for Mary made no sense. "I'm afraid it wasn't an 'idea' Mary; it just happened."

Mary nodded slowly. "Quite. Just like it 'just happened' that you didn't become pregnant for years. And now that Mathew and I are married, and well on our way to conceiving our own, you have beaten us!"

Cora shook her head, trying to keep calm. "It's not a competition, Mary. We'll love our new child just as we love the three of you. And we'll love any more grandchildren you give as much as Grace."

"But it is, isn't it?" Mary said, practically spitting out the words. "Everything is a competition to have a 'proper heir'; it always has been."

Cora felt her eyes fill with tears at her failure to understand Mary once again. She knew her eldest had always felt shortsighted against Robert's heirs, considering how attached she was to Downton, but it never occurred to Cora that Mary thought it was all a big contest. "I don't see it that way, but if you do, then who is to say this baby will be a boy?" There was a huge lump in her throat, and it was difficult to speak. She hoped Mary understood her words. "Your father and I don't seem to be a good match for males; perhaps you and Mathew will be better." She swallowed another lump and dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief.

"But you hope it will be a boy, don't you?" Mary said, her voice controlled again. "And I thought you meant what you said about Grace at our anniversary dinner."

Cora dabbed her eyes again. This was so much worse than she'd expected. "I did, Mary. We all love Grace, and you know that. I just told you as much a few moments ago. I will admit that it would be nice if your father and I could have our own son after all these years, but I will be perfectly happy for you and Mathew to provide the heir instead."

Mary was silent again, but she didn't appear happy.

Edith sighed and said, "Well, Sir Anthony invited me to go driving with him today, in case anyone is interested in speaking of anything else." She smiled, looking happy for the first time in a long time, and Cora loved the look on Edith.

Mary shook her head. She didn't scowl but she also didn't smile. "That is odd. I wonder how long this one will last?"

"I think it might last quite a while," Edith said softly, but with a snide look at Mary. "He is such a sweet, charming gentleman and he does so enjoy my company."

As always, Cora chose to ignore Mary and Edith's squabbling. Instead, she smiled at her middle daughter. It was nice for her to finally have a suitor, even if he was a bit older. "I am so glad you are enjoying your time with him, darling."

Just then, Robert and Mathew breezed into the drawing room, changing the entire atmosphere of the room with their smiles. Cora forgot all the reasons to be unhappy as she met her husband's eyes. They were having another baby.

OOOOOOOOOO

Cora gazed into her husband's eyes that night as he settled onto their bed. "By the way, I just remembered I spoke to Mrs. Hughes today. She's said Mrs. Patmore's eyesight is deteriorating too much, and she will be unable to cook at all soon."

"Oh, that's too bad," Robert said, his eyes showing how sad he was for their cook.

"It is, isn't it?" Cora shook her head. "I loathe to have to sack her, Robert, especially with all the servants we've already let go. And she's one we've been able to depend on for many years. I wonder if there isn't something that could be done to help her. An operation, or a medication, perhaps?"

"I could speak to Dr. Clarkson about it tomorrow," Robert said with a nod. His face was closer than before, and his breathe tingled her cheek.

"Thank you," Cora said, kissing him. She loved how concerned he always was about their servants.

When they withdrew, his eyes landed on her stomach, and he gently caressed it. "Mathew was really a good sport about our news today," he said, the tenderness in Robert's voice showing how delighted he was. "He said he was well aware how tight the entail was, and that if all Downton ever gave him was Mary, he'd still be happy."

"Oh, that's so nice to hear," Cora said, leaning in for another warm kiss. "I'm afraid Mary wasn't so easy," she said, placing her hand on top of his as he still caressed her stomach. His touch felt so good, and she need that right now. "Not only is she upset that we might have a boy and she and Mathew will lose the title, but she seems to think it's all a big contest on who will have a boy first."

Tears filled her eyes as she thought of the words Mary had used in the drawing room. "You have beaten us!" …"Everything is a competition" … "I thought you meant what you said about Grace…" "She thinks we don't love Grace because she isn't a boy." Cora said out loud, between sobs.

There was a pause and then Robert placed both of his arms around her, and she clung to him tightly. "Oh darling, she knows that's not true, she's just angry because she thinks she can't get what she wants."

Cora sighed, her tears fading. That did sound like Mary. "I suppose you could be right," she said stroking both of his firm arms, needing his strength. "But it's all more of the same with her. I cannot seem to understand her, Robert, and I still wonder if I should just give up or try harder."

"Do you think this one will be easier than the daughters we already have?" Robert said, once again caressing her stomach with the tenderest expression on his face, while his other hand played with her braid.

Cora sighed and giggled a bit as she placed her hand on top of his again. No matter what happened, they were a team with parenting and they both loved it. "I'd like to think so, but probably not."

Robert pouted, clearly hoping for a better answer. "I'm becoming too old for this."

She rained warm kisses all over his neck and whispered, "You cannot be that old if you've got me pregnant, and I think you can show you're still young tonight." Then she pressed her mouth to his, allowing his tongue inside hers. Love swelled between both of them, especially as his warm hand stroked her back.

"Are you certain we can…" Robert said as they finished their kiss, their faces still close enough to feel breath. His expression switched between eager to nervous at the idea, but the warm caresses he'd given her all night clearly showed what he wanted, especially as he wouldn't stop stroking her back now.

Sighing, Cora kissed him again. "We've been through this every time, darling. It's fine, as long as I'm comfortable, and you know how to make me comfortable."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OOOOOOOOO

Mary bristled in discomfort the next day after tea, as Mama and Papa played with Grace, pretending there was nothing wrong. To make matters worse, Mama suggested that Mary assist her with the upcoming garden party, as if Mary still needed to prepare for the countess position.

At least Mathew's presence made her a bit more comfortable.

In fact, she felt significantly calmer that evening, with their tradition of spending a few moments with Grace before dinner. Mary couldn't believe how much bigger her daughter was since returning from London. Nanny said Grace should start crawling soon. "Isn't it strange that this time next year, your parents' child will be here, next to Grace?" Mathew said, smiling for some reason as he placed their little girl back in her crib.

Mary huffed, unable to keep her feelings about this completely under control. "Strange is one word for it," she said, her voice low as they exited the room. "But honestly, I cannot believe Mama and Papa would do this to us, especially now that we are ready to conceive an heir ourselves."

Mathew sighed, glancing around the hallway to make certain no one else was around. Mary had to smile at that, despite her frustration, that he'd adapted to living with servants and a large family. "I admit, I am bit disappointed that we might lose the title. I hadn't realized how much I was looking forward to it until now. But at least we'll have each other, and other babies, too."

He smiled at her in a way that usually managed to cause Mary's heart to melt, but unfortunately, she could not let go of her frustration now. "But it's not just the tile, Mathew; it's our home. Don't you realize if the child is a boy, we will have to leave Downton?" The idea of leaving Carson's pantry, the library, the countryside where she went riding, and most importantly, the room where she and Mathew had become a married couple and started their family broke her heart.

All because Mama and Papa had decided she and Mathew weren't enough, after all.

Mathew blinked a couple of times. Clearly, he hadn't thought of that, and Mary felt a bit of smugness, despite the circumstances, that she'd understood something he hadn't. "That's disappointing, too, but we'll still be able to visit. And perhaps it would be nice to have our own place for our children to grow."

She couldn't understand why he accepted this so easily. "But we've lost Mathew. They've beaten us."

Mathew shook his head. "I'd tell you that we haven't lost everything again, but I'm beginning to think you don't care." He raised his voice louder than he should, especially as they were still in the hallway, and Mary wondered when Papa or Edith was going approach them, demanding to know what the problem was.

"I told you I have no regrets about our relationship, but it's clear you do. You regret marrying me because we could lose the earldom." With that, he marched downstairs, as if he couldn't get away from Mary fast enough.

Suddenly it didn't matter that other people might've heard their row. Mary's heart was more shattered now than it was before. All because her mother was fertile.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Mary's heart felt almost frozen in the next few weeks, and she snapped too easily. At Mama for all the questions she asked about the foolish garden party. At Edith for droning on and on about Sir Anthony. Even sweet Sybil, who ordinarily was Mary's only friend during these moods, received biting comments when her youngest sister chatted away about her recent season.

Mathew went out of his way to avoid Mary, citing long hours at the office. He didn't even visit little Grace with her any longer. There was a time when she would have welcomed the space, but as much as his optimism had frustrated her when they spoke, Mary ached for his presence. His gentle encouragement as she interacted with Grace. His clever, challenging comments when they spoke to each other. Even his fiery touches in their bed were absent.

Mama and Papa truly had beaten her and Mathew in conceiving an heir.

"… Mary, do you think we should have more scones or tea cakes at the garden party?" Mama's cheerful voice interrupted Mary's bitter thoughts one early afternoon in the library.

Mary loathed that voice. It represented everything she didn't have. Shaking her head slowly, she said, "I think neither matters as long as your there for everyone to dance around and babble what a great job you are doing."

Before Mama could respond, Mary exited the library, deciding she desperately needed to ride. Diamond might be her only friend these days.

OOOOOOOOOOO

A half an hour later, Mary wore a riding habit and was seated on her beautiful black horse, Diamond. Briefly, she wondered how much longer she would be able to see Downton by horseback before she was forced to move. There was nothing better than letting the trees and bushes rush past you, in complete control of the horse.

About halfway down the trail, Mary realized she wasn't in complete control. Because trotting up next to her was Papa. Dundee whinnied as Papa guided him next to Diamond. "Hello, Mary," he said, his voice much less cheerful than Mama's for some reason.

"Hello, Papa," Mary said, deliberately not looking at him as she and Diamond trotted.

"Mary, I need you not to speak to your mother as you did this afternoon," Papa said, his voice louder than normal. "She doesn't need the stress right now, and she loathes when our family are cross at each other."

Mary shook her head, unable to believe his additude. "Then perhaps she shouldn't have…well, you know. How can she be still fertile, anyway?"

"I know even less than your mother does about those things, so please don't ask me that," Papa said, sounding even more cross. "But Dr. Clarkson says her stress level is a real concern, even more than other women with child, because of her age. And I understand this is a difficult situation for you, Mary. If I could give both you and Mathew, and the new baby, the title, I would, but I cannot. But do not take your feelings out on your mother any longer; I will not tolerate it."

He said his last words like thunder and then galloped off, as if their conversation was done. But Mary brought Diamond into a gallop and chased after him. There was no reason why she couldn't "take her feelings" out on Papa, was there?

"How generous of you that you 'wish you could give both of us the title," she said, almost out of breathe when she and Diamond reached him and Dundee. "But since you cannot, can you tell me how fast you expect Mathew and I to move after your son is born?"

Papa didn't even hide his shock, and Mary congratulated herself that she'd surprised him so much. "Mary, we still don't know it will be a boy," he finally said.

"But if it is?" she pressed.

He was silent for several moments. "I don't know," he said finally, as if he hadn't even thought that she and Mathew would have to move. "You're welcome to stay for the foreseeable future."

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mary forced herself to be calmer as she and Mama planned the garden party, the possiblity that she and Mathew may not have to move right away soothing her a bit. Still, she could only tolerate so much of Edith's blabbering about Sir Anthony and Mama's gushing about how attentive Papa was now.

Diamond became Mary's daily companion. Sometimes twice a day.

But she couldn't ride the day of the garden party, as villagers and ladies from Yorkshire swarmed around for treats and socialization. Soft chatter and sweet aromas filled the air in a way that almost thawed Mary, although her sister was doing her best to fuel Mary's constant tension. Edith almost ran to Sir Anthony, claiming he had "an important question for her." Mary shook her head, certain her sister had misunderstood, as even that old goat wouldn't want Edith permanently, nor would Edith truly wish to marry him.

Nanny pushed Grace in the stroller, and Mary stopped to say hello, knowing she could easy her tension. The little girl wore a lovely white bonnet and sweet spring dress that went perfectly with her dark curly hair and fair skin. She immediately broke into a big smile, her chubby cheeks showing and even managed to wave her little hand. "Ab – ba!" she said.

Mary waved back, wishing once again she and Grace were enough for Papa. Instead, he hoovered over Mama, as the new baby was his sole reason for being. How could Mama still be fertile, anyway?

Spotting Mathew in the distance, Mary's heart almost leaped, despite the way he'd treated her the last time they spoke. He'd been avoiding her ever since their row in the hallway; she rarely even saw him in the dining room, and she supposed her frequent rides hadn't helped. But now Mary forced herself to walk dignified toward him, drinking in his tall profile, his blond hair, and confident manner.

"Hello," she said with a smile.

"Hello, Mary," Mathew said, much less warmly.

Mary felt as if she'd been slapped, and her smile disappeared. He was the one who'd broken her heart with his comments, and she'd decided to speak to him anyway. "I thought you might like to know, that Papa has agreed we can stay at Downton for the 'foreseeable future' if the child is a boy. Perhaps we could even convince him to let us stay permanently." Her voice adapted the cold, haughty tone she used when she wished to conceal her vulnerabilities the most.

Mathew nodded in that smug manner she sometimes found attractive but now she wished she could wipe it right off his face. "And of course, that's what is important, isn't it, Mary?" he said in a fake cheerful tone. "But it matters not. There's a war coming, and I'm going to join."

Mary blinked, wondering why she was so shocked. Everyone knew the war was inevitable since the Serb assassinated the Austrian archduke, and Mathew was like Papa, too honorable not to volunteer. But it was the way he said it. So coldly, as if he were cutting ties between them by joining the fighting.

How could he, the man who claimed he had no regrets in their relationship on their anniversary, do this to her? "Mathew," Mary said carefully, "Are you certain you are doing this for the right reasons?"

Mathew shrugged, as if Mary didn't matter at all. Grace didn't matter at all. "I know I am going where I am wanted and needed, and those are good reasons for me."

Another slap with his words. "Mathew!…" How dare he, Mary thought to herself as she watched her heart disappear with him.

Mathew had to know how much she depended on him now. For Grace. For a spirited conversation. For admiring her for strength. For fiery kisses and soft touches on her bed. She even begun to think she'd found the one person who understood her well enough to love her completely.

Tears fell from her eyes before she could stop them. And the more Mary tried to wipe them, horrified that she was crying in a public place, the more they fell. Carson's strong arms wrapped around her, but Mary's heart was still gone.

And just when she couldn't think the moment could be any worse Papa's voice announced, "My ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that we are at war with Germany."