197S9.9.23
I think Gippal may have been a bit too enthusiastic last night; I feel as sore as if I had ridden a chocobo bareback for many miles and yet he lies there sleeping contently, his mouth shaped in a calm smile and his body sprawled shamelessly.
It's a bit odd. He has such a sleek tone to all his body-- it reminds me much of the sandy-colored cat which would hang around the temple in hopes of being offered milk and treats by the younger priests--and his limbs are all so long, so graceful; he doesn't give the impression of strength so much as of energy. Even the soft tan of his skin and the way his torso arches a bit when I run my fingers over the natural planes of his chest...the way his fingers twitch slightly, even in his sleep, as if he's building and working, even in his dreams...that one rare ticklish spot just above the ridge of his hip that, when poked in sleep, simply makes him squirm, but, when poked in waking, makes him laugh freely and strongly...
I think I want to memorize him like this: completely calm and at rest, not troubled by anything in the world. I want to have this moment to remember, in case our plans fail and we end up separated. I want to remember the quiet, peaceful moments we've shared so I can know that some solid good came out of this seemingly fruitless adventure. I want to remember moments like the long talks the four of us have had on the deck of this ship, no one to overhear us but the water and the stars and no shame in laughing and acting freely, even for the most reserved of us. I want to remember how it feels to share our thoughts and dreams and to be able to believe in them fully: to know that Paine will have her airship so that she can freely explore all of Spira...that Gippal will work as her engineer, keeping everything in perfect working order...that I will act as her navigator, guiding us on our journeys and keeping us steady on the path...and that Nooj, of course, will be our captain, standing around, looking important, and working us like dogs...but also being our strength and our courage.
...Yevon, I really don't want to be apart from any of them...
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One of the Maesters pulled me aside as I made my way below deck.
Apparently, one of the priests has gone missing and he's presumed to have gone overboard. Though the priest could just have lost his footing, the Maesters obviously want to find a scapegoat and, as I'm the only of the recruits with strong ties to religion, they likely thought I would be more than willing to offer some leads; they probably just hoped that I would indicate that Gippal must have done it.
As it is, I simply informed him that it could not have been any of Squad Five as we were all together on deck for the majority of the evening and we didn't see anything out of sorts. Of course, I left out the fact that the four of us split into pairs as the evening wore on, but it seems unnecessary to give such information; it's not as if any of us would do such a thing, no matter how we feel about the priests and Maesters, right?
This wasn't the only unexpected thing to happen while I was making my rounds; I also learned of a rumor that the Maesters have hired a great Al Bhed-made weapon to use against Sin. Everyone who speaks of it seems so excited about the prospect, but they cannot see the darker background to it. They do not know--or perhaps do not care!--that Yevon has strictly forbidden the use of such things and they do not seem to understand that it would only be making the situation worse to use such a weapon. There's also the fact that it would be a blatant insult to all the Summoners who gave their lives to defeat Sin. It also worries me to think how the Maesters could have gotten their hands on such a weapon. I rather doubt that any Al Bhed would willingly give such a weapon to ones who would just as likely turn around and use it on them. It only makes me wonder how much blood has already tainted this glorious weapon and it hasn't eve
Gippal's staring at me.
...or is he looking at...
No. No, he's definitely staring at me. He's staring hard at me every time he takes a break from typing on his machina journal. I wonder what he's writing about that he has to keep looking at me like that...or maybe he's trying to glare? He's probably still upset about having to wear that 'borrowed' uniform, even if it does look surprisingly nice on him. Well, he's not the only one who has reason to glare. He's not the one who had to hobble around like an arthritic grandfather.
Okay. If I keep this up, I'm going to have to laugh.
I'll concede victory to Gippal, for now, so that I can go check on our captain.
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Nooj seems to be both in good health and in good spirits. Naturally, I could do no more than ask after his health--I think he'd swat me like a fly if I ever tried to do anything more--but the set of his body and the tone of his voice both speak of more comfort than I'd seen on him before; I guess those pills truly are working well for him...or perhaps it's the uninterrupted time with Paine? It would not be wise for me to speculate on it, I know, but I can imagine that the shared time must work wonders for the both of them...or perhaps I'm simply projecting my own thoughts onto them? I cannot know, but it's so good to see them find comfort and strength in each other. Even if all four of us cannot stay together, I pray that, at least, Nooj and Paine may be allowed to continue in their relationship; it does them both so much good...
He asked me if I'd like for him to put in a request for me to be assigned to either the medical or the chaplaincy corps when all this is through and, though I would have jumped at this offer only a few short weeks ago, I simply could not accept. I wanted to tell him, right then, that I'd only serve in a squad where he would be the captain, but I could just picture the expression he'd give me at such silly sentimentalism...if he didn't give me a swat for being so childish. It may be different if the three of us speak it to him in one mind, but to hear it just from me...well, I imagine he wouldn't be pleased to know that I've come to see him as anything but a commanding officer, at any rate. So, I simply told him that Gippal and I were hoping that we could be assigned to the same squad when all this is through. I don't think he holds much hope that this will come true, but I have to hold onto hope, no matter how dim it might seem sometimes; it might be the only thing which will pull us through this mess.
As I was leaving, I slipped a supply of those strong pain relievers into his hand. It was odd, but, for a moment, I had the strong impulse to actually take his hand, to squeeze it gently between my own in a show of affection. It was a foolish thought, though, so I simply gave him the pills, then left.
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Gippal finally managed to convince me to tell him where his clothes were hidden and, though I offered to get them for him, he insisted on climbing up to the crow's nest on his own, much to the delight of everyone who watched. I have to admit that it was rather funny, even if I'll likely be paying for this for nights to come and even if I had to brush the dried sea salt from his clothing. While I was doing this, I breached the subject of the weapon rumor--who better to ask of it than an Al Bhed--and he seemed to think that it's quite possible. I wanted to ask him how he felt about this merging of his culture and the Maesters, but it just seemed too insensitive to do so; it'd likely be akin to asking me how it felt if there were an Al Bhed summoner or something close to it. It still worries me, though, to think of those things blending in that manner; it just does not seem natural...
I also asked him if he thought we should approach Paine about our intention of staying together as a squad under Nooj when this training ends and he readily agreed. From our conversation yesterday, I know that Paine seems eager to stay with Nooj, but I'm not sure if that expands to include us, as well. I suppose the best way to find out is to ask...
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It's been agreed: we three are going to utterly refuse to serve under anyone but Nooj, orders be damned. Of course, Nooj's opinion on this is still unknown, but there's the small chance that he may be as eager as we to stay together...or perhaps he can be convinced that this is a good idea through other means. Maybe if we promise that we'll work ourselves to the bone for him, it'll convince him that we're serious; I really don't think any of us would mind. Honestly, I think we'd be more than glad to do anything he orders of us...
From this topic, the conversation veered to the rumors and, just as we began to talk of the implications of the weapon, Nooj joined us. Neither he nor Paine had much to add to the conversation, so it was mostly Gippal and I going back and forth. I still refuse to believe that it is anything but rumor; it is a horrible fact, but the Maesters would never use such a thing. They would not allow it, let alone sponsor it. They've been using Summoners to face down Sin for a thousand years...why would they suddenly change their mind and embrace the methods of a race which they claim to have caused the problem? Yes, they've come far enough to allow some machina, but to sanction such a thing...no, it would be outside of even their methods. Beyond that, the thought of what they must have done to convince the Al Bhed to help them to build it...
Gippal seems to hold the hope that it'd have to work, that it'd be more than enough to topple Sin and..I want to believe as he does. I want to be so certain that this can work, but...it honestly scares me. It may only be because I am so steeped in my faith that its biases still cling, but..I can't even imagine a machina like that, let alone what manner of damage it could do in the wrong hands. It's such a sad, scary thought...
I grew silently lost in my thoughts for a while and, by the time I came back to the conversation, it had moved on to the prospect of a new Calm. Of course, none of us can remember the last Calm very well--I only have vague memories of standing at my room's window and watching people celebrate in the streets before my father yelled at me to return to my studies so that the next Calm could be my own--so it would be a wholly new thing for us. I'd like to think that it would be a time of complete peace and new understanding, that it could possibly be the stretch of needed time for the horrors of the past to be put behind us so we could all come together...but, of course, that'd require Yevon to shift its position--something I cannot possibly see happening, under its current rule.
Nooj seems to carry no hope for the Calm. He said that he thinks it would be boring and, though I found it funny at the time, his words bother me, now that I have time to think about them. It's so foolish of me, but I had thought--no, hoped--that finding support and sympathy in Paine would help him. I had hoped that lessening the pain of his body would pull him back from his desperation. I even thought kinship with the rest of us would draw him back, but...it did nothing. It hasn't changed anything. He's still Deathseeker. He's still just as likely to walk into the first honorable death he finds and there's nothing we can do, other than to treasure the time we have with him.
I don't want to dwell in these thoughts, not tonight.
I...wonder if Gippal would mind if I came to him tonight. I know that he has a right to be angry with me after all I've done to him, but there's no better comfort than the warmth of his arms. I..really need him, tonight. Haha, what am I saying? I've needed him every night. I think I'm coming to just need him, period. It doesn't matter when or why, I just need him. I need to be by him and with him. I need to see that infuriatingly casual smirk and to hear that full, honest laugh. I need to see all his moods reflected in the wonderful swirl of his eye. I need to feel those incredibly callused hands and to hold those incredibly talented fingers.
...I'm really so lost into him. There's no denying it. There's no denying how this feels...or what these feelings are. It's so incredibly foolish of me, but...well...it need not be known to anyone but me and the pages of this journal.