One More Confessional

Part Fifteen

197S9.9.22

On the boat at last. In the end, they rushed us on -- the beach was being overrun by fiends again. It would have been easy enough to take them out, but of course now the Maesters decide that they're in a big hurry. So here we are.

Baralai got the more damaged ones settled in the cabins, including Dani, who is still in shock. He seems a little calmer, at least, but I don't think he's ever really going to snap out of it. It's worrisome, actually -- what the hell do the Maesters think they'll be able to do with him?

Something intriguing happened last night. I was cleaning up after dinner -- not that I do that every night; the three of us rotate. It just happened to be my turn. Anyway, I was minding my own business and dousing the cookfire, when I suddenly had to duck a sharp chip of fiend tooth flying at my face. Gippal threw me an apologetic look from where he was working the teeth of the sandworm he caught yesterday. Naturally, I asked him what he was doing. He tried to be evasive at first, but eventually he admitted that the traditional knife he's making is a gift for Baralai.

Now, I am not a girly girl. Not even remotely. Never have been. But maybe this being in love thing is making me soft, because I thought that was the cutest thing I'd ever heard, and I sighed a little. Gippal rolled his eye at me, but it's true. What a gesture; Baralai is going to adore it. Especially if Gippal engraves it like I suggested.

It got me to thinking a bit, though. Baralai's never come out and said so, but it's clear to me that he really cares about Gippal. But I haven't seen the signs of that in Gippal so much -- he strikes me as the kind of guy who's really casual about who he sleeps with, a love 'em and leave 'em type. Now I wonder if I was wrong about that. Maybe he's got real feelings for Baralai. I kind of hope so; Baralai deserves some happiness. Then again, how will he feel if the Maesters split them up once they get their final assignments?

Now there's something I've been really good at not thinking about. Or at least at pretending not to think about.

The boat just launched! I think I'll go up on deck and watch for awhile. I do love ships. With luck, I'll actually get to enjoy the trip this time.

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So far, so good: this voyage has been far more pleasant than the last. The ocean is calm, there are fewer people stinking up the hold, we mostly have the upper deck to ourselves, and no one has tried to proposition me yet. Not that most of these men are in any shape to try anything. But even if they were, they wouldn't dare. Whether it was his intention or not, Nooj made sure of that when he placed me by his side on the march. It was as clear a claim on me as anything could have been.

But most importantly, the seasickness pills are working. I don't know how we're ever going to be able to repay Baralai for everything he's done, for all of us. Nooj takes the capsules mostly without complaint, although he still bitches a little about how big he thinks they are. So far, I've restrained myself from making a crude joke about how I've never complained about the size of-- certain other things, but if he keeps this up, I may not be able to resist.

I've given him his afternoon dose, along with a painkiller. Then he promptly disappeared, I don't know where. Baralai is hanging out on the aft deck with his herbals; I'll go see if he needs any help. It's a nice spot to watch the ocean from, anyway.

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The others are all at rest for the night. Baralai and I passed out the last round of herbals already, helping those we could and trying not to worry over those we couldn't. At least it seems unlikely that anyone will die tonight.

Now I have nothing to do, and as usual my mind has turned to the subjects I spend so much effort ignoring during the day. When I get into these moods, I always tell myself that I will worry about tomorrow when it comes, but it never seems to work that way. I wish I weren't quite so prone to brooding.

What happens next, when the boat gets to wherever it's going and we get our new assignments? No, they get their new assignments. I'm not really a part of this force, regardless of how my teammates have treated me. I may be more deserving of a Crusader command than anyone here who isn't a member of Squad Five, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get one. As far as the Maesters are concerned, I'm just a recorder. Will they take my spheres, pat me on the head and thank me for my services, and then send me back to Luca? Fayth, if I was bored as a blitz recorder before--

I suppose I could join up with the Crusaders as a regular soldier. I'd probably rise through the ranks quickly enough. But I'm not sure I want to fight under Yevon's banner. Is there any place in Spira for a warrior who refuses to even pay lip service to the Maesters? Maybe with the Al Bhed, but that probably means Bikanel, and I can't see myself going back there voluntarily. Not right now, anyway. Besides, I don't know if they'd even accept an outsider.

And then there's Nooj. I can't imagine being parted from him. Well, not by anything other than his death. That I can imagine all too-- Stop that, right now.

Anyway, if I did join the Crusaders, could he request me as a member of his company? Would he even want to? It wouldn't be very professional, it's true, a commander arranging things such that his lover reports to him. Although I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time.

I haven't the faintest idea of how I would even broach the subject with him.

Of course, in a perfect world, all four of us would find a way to stay together. It's actually almost as hard for me to think about having Baralai and Gippal taken away as it is to consider losing Nooj. Plus, we all work so amazingly well together. How did that happen, anyway? An enormous stroke of luck? Or was it fate? I don't tend to believe in fate; it's been a long time since I've credited any mysterious supernatural force. But with this evidence before me, I might have to change my mind. The Maesters would be fools to break our team apart. Not that foolishness has ever stopped them before.

So many possibilities, so few that I actually would choose. And I can't do anything about any of it! It drives me crazy, knowing that my future may be completely out of my hands.

Ugh, no more thinking. I'm just going to depress myself. The boys are up on deck -- I just saw them heading up there, dressed and dried off after their evening swim. When they passed, they suggested that I join them. I think I'll do just that. Maybe I'll even bring the camera. Not for the Maesters, though -- for me. If they do split us up, I'd like to have something to remember them by. Nooj is down here, talking into his little voice recorder. I need to give him his evening medications before I do anything else. Then I'll drag him to the deck, whether he wants to chat with us or not. I need to stand at the rail with him, breathing in the night air and looking at the stars. I savor quiet moments like that, and who knows how many more of them we'll get?