Chapter 12

Cassian didn't know what it was, but he felt free. He noticed it two weeks after Nesta left. He couldn't feel her anymore. Even when she had herself closed off he could feel her. Now, he felt light. Free. He thought that he would be sick. The pain of breaking the bond made him puke but after, he was calm. Of course he was drunk but still. He felt so relaxed.

Now, he was sitting in the living room at the River House, waiting for an announcement from Rhys and Feyre.

"We need to speak with all of you." Feyre started, standing in front of them. Rhys was standing behind her, his hand resting on her back. Everyone waited for her to spit it out. "We're having a baby." Mor jumped up right away.

"Congratulations!" She hugged Feyre. Cassian stood to congratulate Rhys before kissing Feyre's cheek.

"That's wonderful news." Cassian smiled. "Happy for you both."

"I'm gonna be an aunt!" Elain clapped.

"It's a boy." Cassian was so excited.

"A boy!" He couldn't wait to meet his nephew. The group needed some good news. With Nesta gone, they wouldn't be able to find the Troves. Elain hadn't been able to find anything so they were at a standstill. So, news of a new family member was amazing.

"We are going to be announcing to the other courts at the Court of Nightmares in a few weeks. Invitations were sent out today."

"Tamlin included?"

"Everyone. Yes. We will all be civil." Rhys answered.

"What about…" Elain started but stopped, looking at her sister.

"She's not welcome." Rhys answered so Feyre didn't have to. "We will send word to let her know of the pregnancy but she's not welcome here." Elain just nodded. She wasn't sure if it was hurting Feyre to not have Nesta involved with her pregnancy. Elain dreamed of carrying a child and her sisters being by her side through the whole thing. That dream seemed so far off now.

Tamlin said that Nesta could help herself to anything she wanted. She was obsessed with the library. She grabbed a book off the shelf and headed outside to sit in the sun. She could stay out here for hours. It was lovely.

Someone pulled up in front of the house, and strolled toward her.

"Is Lord Tamlin here?"

"Inside." She answered. "I can take it." She nodded to the envelope he was holding. He handed it to her and she headed inside. "Tamlin?" She called into the manor as she shut the front door. He appeared right in front of her.

"Yes?"

"You got mail." He took it from her hands and opened it. She was hopeful that it was a letter to her from her sister. He scoffed as he read the letter. "Looks like I've been invited to a party."

"Oh." She said.

"For your sister." She nodded.

"Am I invited?" He checked the front of the envelope. It was made out to just him. "I don't think so. You're banned."

"Oh. Yeah. Right." She was disappointed. She wanted to see her sisters.

"I won't go." He wasn't sure why he said that. It wasn't like he cared about her.

"No. Go find out what's going on." She said. "Obviously it's important if they invited you."

Two weeks later everyone was enjoying food, holding their breath for when Tamlin walked in. No one knew if he would show up with Nesta so everyone was on edge. He was late, so Feyre and Rhys told everyone to start eating.

Tamlin entered not long after everyone started eating. He greeted Rhys and Feyre but no one else.

After everyone's bellies were full, Rhys cleared his throat to get everyone's attention before announcing that they were with child. Feyre rested a hand on her slightly swollen belly. At the same time, a letter got to Tamlin's manor.

"Nesta Archeron?"

"Yes?" The letter was handed to her before the messenger left. She quickly opened the letter. Reading through a pregnancy announcement. She read the words, letting them sink in. Her sister was pregnant. And she wouldn't be able to see her. Or the babe. "Congratulations." She whispered, setting the letter on the table.

At one point she dreamed of having a baby. With Cassian. She wasn't sure if it would ever be possible but she dreamed of it. Of getting married. Having a baby. Being happy. That was torn from her. And it hurt so bad.

She headed outside, sitting on the front step. It had been dark for about an hour by now and she had no idea what time Tamlin was going to be back but the manor was too quiet. At least out here there were bugs making noise.

She brought her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, looking up at the stars. She wondered what else was out there. How much of the world had she not seen? It didn't matter now. She was stuck here. If it weren't for Tamlin feeling bad about what he had done, she would be homeless. She almost wishes that he was here right now. At least she wouldn't have had to read that letter alone. She found out alone.

She realized that she would probably be alone for the rest of her life. However long that might be. Given that Cassian was over 500 years old she would be alone for a very long time.

All of a sudden Tamlin was standing in front of her. His face was blank but he was looking down at her.

"Hear the wonderful news?" Nesta asked. He sat down beside her.

"Yes." He looked up at the stars with her. "How did you hear?" He asked.

"They sent me a letter." She answered. "I'll never be able to meet him." It crushed her. But she understood why. Still, it didn't make the pain in her heart go away.

"I hated you too." Tamlin said.

"Wow, okay, Tamlin. Thanks for your help." She rolled her eyes.

"Feyre had told me that she went out into the woods when she was 14 to hunt. And you did nothing to stop her." This was always brought up.

"How was I supposed to stop her? You've met Feyre right? She does what she wants and no one can stop her." Nesta answered. "It wasn't that I let her go into the woods. Our father let her go into the woods."

"She was 14."

"I was also a child!" Nesta shouted. "What the fuck!" She stood up. "I was fucking waiting for our father to do something! He was the parent! He was letting us starve." She was so angry. "And for everyone to judge me off that!" She never stood a chance. Everyone judged her based off what Feyre told them. And Feyre had every right to feel that way but no one knew the story. Or why Nesta "let" Feyre go hunting. "We were all just fucked up kids trying to not die."

"I know." Tamlin answered. Feyre is as strongwilled as they come. There would have been no way that Feyre would let anyone stop her. "My point was that they never were going to accept you as one of them. Because you hurt Feyre."

"Why is no one angry with Elain?" Tamlin shrugged. Everything fell onto Nesta. Yes she was the oldest of them. But they had a father. A father who sat and did nothing while they were starving and cold.

They were quiet for a long time. The chilly air made goosebumps rise on her arms.

"Got any wine?" She asked.

"Yeah. But it doesn't mix well with me."

"Me neither." He chuckled. They were two of the most fucked up fae in this court. But fuck it if they weren't going to have fun.

"What do you think she's doing?" Elain asked Mor.

"Hopefully suffering." Elain then remembered why she never hung out with Mor.

"She's still our sister." Elain said, flattening out her gown just for her hands to be doing something.

"A terrible one." It didn't matter to Elain what any of them thought. She loved her sister no matter what and she did not appreciate them speaking about her like that. And she did not appreciate them sending her off to live with Tamlin. Elain stood and headed towards the library.

Cassian was sitting by the fire when she entered. He looked up at her. He could tell that she was upset but he wasn't in the mood to deal with a moody Archeron. He had learned his lesson there.

"Why?" Elain had gotten bold. Had started fighting everyone tooth and nail about why they did that to Nesta.

"Why what?" He asked.

"Why did you break the bond?" She had asked a few times before.

"Because your sister was making my life a living hell."

"She loves you."

"Wasn't enough." He answered. "The constant fighting with everyone. Attacking anyone about anything they said. No. I wasn't doing that anymore. She can suffer alone for eternity. I was done being the middleman and taking abuse from both sides about the other. Fuck that."

The worst part for Elain was that she didn't know how Nesta was doing. Wasn't even sure if Tamlin was keeping her alive. Rhys refused to go and check on her. And Rhys refused to let Feyre go, deeming that he didn't want her getting hurt. And he certainly wasn't going to send his hormonal mate into the lions den.

"Don't give me bullshit about mating bonds when you ignore Lucian like the plague." Tears filled her eyes as she ran off. He would be yelled at by Rhys later for that.

"Elain?" Feyre asked as Elain ran by her and headed straight for the stairs. "Elain? What happened?" Elain ran to her room and slammed the door before locking it. Feyre sighed going to Cassian. "What happened?"

"She couldn't handle the truth apparently."

"You did not need to make her cry." Feyre sat down beside him. "I know it's been hard but can we please try to be nice?" Feyre did not want Cassian and Elain fighting. Everyone had been getting along nicely for the most part.

"I'll do my best." Cassian answered. He wasn't going to make any promises. "What are you going to do with her room?"

"Either the nursery or a playroom." She shrugged. "We haven't discussed it yet." She looked over at him. "How are you?" He shrugged. He was upset. Of course he was but he felt free. He hadn't felt like that in a long time.

"I tried really hard. She thought I deserved better."

"You do." She answered, grabbing his hand. "I'm sorry it was causing so much pain." She frowned at him. He didn't want her to think that it was all bad.

"When it was just us two it was great." He shook his head. At the end the only fights they ever got into were about Rhys and Mor. And of course Nesta being so self destrutive that she could barely function. She never wanted to go anywhere saying that everyone was mean to her. As if she wasn't mean to them too but whatever. "I think we could have been really happy. But, Rhys and Mor were so against it that she never would have been able to look past it."

"We were just trying to protect you."

"I am grown. I can take care of myself."

"And in the end you were hurt anyway." She was right. But he was the one who left her. He was the one who severed the bond. And he wasn't even brave enough to go talk to her. To say that maybe they just needed more time and they would figure it out.

"Maybe in another life."

Tamlin wasn't totally bad company. He never complained. Let Nesta do whatever she pleases. Sometimes he even joined her in the yard to read.

"Why did my sister hate you so much?" She got the nerve to ask him.

"Wouldn't let her leave." He answered right away. "I was trying to protect her." He went about it all wrong but he was trying his best. He didn't know what Feyre's powers could do and there was no way that he was going to let someone come in and take her. Besides Rhysand of course. "I locked her in the house."

"Do you regret it?"

"Yes." He looked beyond her, out to the sunset that was casting orange lighting throughout the room. "In the end it didn't really matter. She was already his long before she was ever mine."

"You loved her." It wasn't a question. He didn't need to answer. "You and I are very much the same." She whispered beside him.

"What happened with Cassian?"

"He severed the bond." She answered. "He deserved so much better than me anyway." She was bitter. Cassian deserved to live this life to the fullest and she was just bringing him down. Causing him more trouble than he needed. She knew that. "It was all my fault." She would never get the chance to apologize.

"Do you regret it?"

"I don't know." It had only been a couple weeks. She missed him for sure. She just wasn't too sure how to feel about it. "I just wanted him to be happy. And I don't think he would have been happy with me. I couldn't get along with Rhysand. Everyone knew it. He was denying the fact that we hated each other. It's better for him to move on now and be happy with someone else."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you going to be happy?"

"I'm stuck here with you." He laughed. She hadn't heard him laugh the whole time she's been here. She smiled a little as he poured her a glass of wine.

"You're not as bad as they make you seem."

"You just have the sad version of me. I'm sure the bitch will come out soon." He was waiting for it. For the drop. He knew that it would sink in soon. The pain was coming. It always did. And he had no idea how either of them was going to handle it.