197S9.9.25
It's a few hours before sunrise and Gippal has finally drifted off to sleep.
I...really don't want to leave him. I want to stay and to enjoy what may be our last few hours of peace, but there is something to which I must attend. If I hurry, I may be able to be back before the others wake or, at least, before our orders from the Maesters arrive.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It took a little longer than I had expected, but at least Dani should be safe within Djose Temple before night falls. Unfortunately, I did not have enough time to guide him the entire way myself, but I trust that he'll make it under the eye of his new guard. Once in the Temple, he should be safe. They'll care for him and give him the attention he needs, unlike the Maesters who seem only too happy to condemn him to a death from which he cannot even defend himself. Maybe, under the priests' and healers' care, he'll even be able to return to himself, someday.
It was the best I could do for him; I only hope it was enough.
When I arrived back to camp, I found the others discussing the new orders and, though I tried to explain my absence by saying that I wanted to take an early bath, I'm not sure anyone believed me. The matter was soon dropped, though, as we moved to our next destination: the lower levels of Mushroom Rock Road. Apparently, this shadowy and cold labyrinth is where the final test will take place. I'm not really sure what they could have us face in such a place, but I wouldn't be entirely surprised to learn that they intend to line us up, a gun to each man, and have us shoot each other until we're all dead; it'd be no different from what they've had us do, so far, and it'd save them the trouble of formulating any more of their brilliant litle trials.
Ah, I refuse to even entertain these ideas, right now! I cannot think on such treachery when I have the warm body of my beloved at my side. He's typing on his odd little machina journal again. I still have no idea how he manages to operate it so well and, any time I watch him, I soon find myself simply mystified by how quickly and how deftly his fingers move over the keys; it's really almost hypnotising to watch, even if it brings to mind other talents of those long digits.
...I wonder what he'd do if I poked that big, long key...
Heh, Gippal really does have the foulest mouth I've ever encountered; I suppose I'll have to clean it for him, one way or another, before he has me cursing as fluently in two languages as he can. Maybe it would do me well to learn it, just as it would do me quite well to learn to actually use the chrysknife which he gave me the night before. He's reminded me about ten times that it's not as fragile as it looks, but it's not the sturdiness of the blade which worries me. I know that it's an incredibly foolish thing, but I don't want to use the chrysknife because I don't want any other blood on it--or in it--aside from Gippal's and my own. It's a foolish and sentimental thing but I don't know if I can bring myself to draw it against an enemy.
Hm, I've gotten so involved in writing--as well as in keeping Gippal from stealing my pen--that I didn't even notice when Paine came to join us. It must not have been too long ago, since it seems as if she's just settling in to start writing in her own journal. Really, I'm surprised that she's not sitting with Nooj, but I suppose they need privacy to be able to translate their thoughts to the page; I cannot blame them. I know I keep getting distracted by Gippal's presence, but I guess I'm thankful for any distractions he can give me.
I just hope that Paine managed to get those instructions I left her, but, from the slight nod she just gave me, she must have. I'm quite glad. I know that she'll be able to take good care of Nooj and that he'll take good care of her; it makes me feel a bit calmer to know that they'll both be in good hands, even if all four of us cannot stay together when this ends. Maybe, in each other, they can find a good reason to continue living in the coming Calm.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This is it.
It's time.
197S9.9.26
I...know nothing.
Everything I ever trusted...everything I ever believed...every fact I ever held within my heart...they're all gone from me, now. I cannot even trust myself: my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own emotions are no longer steady fact.
Am I still me?
Is this still Baralai?
I...don't know.
I know...nothing.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
We've been running for what feels like hours.
We've finally found someplace where we can probably rest safely for a few hours.
Nooj seems to need the rest. I imagine we all do, as well.
I should try to go help Paine with him. He seems to be in shock from...whatever happened in the cave. But I can't trust myself. I'd kill him. There's...no doubt in me. I shouldn't go near him. Not now. I should not be near any of them. I...can't be near any of them. I...just can't.
Maybe I could lead the warrior monks away from them. It'd be redemption.
...but it wouldn't. It would only be a way to buy them time. To give them time to run before the monks shot me down and went back to hunting them.
All this because of that...whatever it was?
The cave.
All because of the cave.
It was to be nothing but an observational mission. Go in. Watch. Don't kill it.
Easy.
Hahaha.
They had to scuffle for weapons. We had our own.
We went in. There were pyreflies. Everywhere. The most I've ever seen in one place. The air was thick with them and their mournful cries. It was the only light.
Until they started firing.
Everyone. They shot wildly into the air. The walls. The ground. The darkness.
Each other.
They shot each other. Bodies. Everywhere. More pyreflies. More screaming. We were unharmed, somehow. We moved deeper, away from those who were shooting wildly. We were soon alone. Except for the damned pyreflies.
They swarmed. And formed shapes. Like a large, hulking, growling beast. Then like a shadowed man. They rushed for the nearest man.
Gippal ducked.
Nooj had no chance. He was surrounded. They...entered him. They took him. I..tried to wave them away, but they would not be banished. Nooj, he screamed. Gippal and I called for him, but he couldn't hear nor answer. After a while, he stood.
He pointed his gun at my forehead.
He meant to kill me. I could see it in his eyes. He had every intention of putting a bullet through my brain and I just knelt there, willing to let it happen. I could do nothing. I couldn't move. I could only just kneel there and wait for the man I respected more than anyone in the world to finally kill me.
But he never got the chance.
Gippal picked up a gun. He aimed it at Nooj's temple. He, too, had every intention of killing; it was clear in his eye. He would have killed Nooj to save me.
How did I repay this?
By taking up my own gun and pointing it at Gippal.
I pointed my gun at him. I meant to kill him. The rush of my blood seemed to demand it. I was so angry. So scared. So sad. Everything seemed so futile. This death--this shared death among the three of us--seemed the only solution to every problem that ever existed. If we died together in this cave, then we didn't have to worry about being apart. We'd never be apart. We'd be together in the darkness with the pyreflies to keep us company.
I...don't know what happened after that. I remember the three of us screaming, our voices blending to one note.
...it was Paine that broke the spell. She called to us. Yelled at us. Told us to stop it. Because of her, we lived. When we came around again, we drug Nooj from the cave, but, before we could do anything for him, we were called to give our report.
We spoke as best we could, described it as best we could, but the Maester doubted us. I could see it. He didn't believe us. Yet he told us we passed. We made it. We were members of the Crimson Squad. Because we survived. Gippal and I only had the time to exchange smiles before they...
They shot at us! They wanted to kill us!
...they still do.
...maybe it's okay. Maybe it's for the best. How can I continue to live, anyway, if I was willing to turn my gun on my beloved, on the man who means everything to me? I...I would have shot him. Killed him. His blood would have been on me. On my hands.
I...I can't be near him! Near any of them! I'll kill them! This gun...this knife...I...I just...I just can't have them...I...I can't...