197S9.9.26

I'm not entirely sure that the timestamp on the last few entries has been correct, but I suppose it doesn't make that much difference; time really loses much of its meaning when you're spending your days doing nothing but trying to survive.

I...still don't understand any of it.

I don't know what was in that cave to make us act like that and I don't know why the priests chose to fire on us after our report. Any connections I can make between the events are absurd and painful, but...they could be truth.

Truth...heh. That whole idea's been turned entirely on its head, hasn't it? Truth in Yevon...truth in Bevelle...truth in myself...there's no meaning to it, anymore. It's all been nothing but lies and no one's been willing or able to see it. So many lives built on--and lost to!--these lies. Everything we fought for, believed in, shouted to the crowds...lies. My whole life, my whole reason for existing...

It doesn't matter, does it? I should have been dead in that cave with whatever that apparition might have been and yet I'm still allowed to walk with the three people who are my world. It isn't right that we four survived and so many scores of men fell. It isn't right that the priests are hunting us because we were lucky enough to be pulled from death by Paine's hand. It isn't right that they're trying to cover over so many secrets, not least among them whatever it was that overtook us in the cave, and something must be done for it.

...it wouldn't be difficult. I've already kept my distance from the rest of them. They likely wouldn't notice until it was time to start running again and, by then, I could be a fair distance. They might not even bother to look, as they know they need to keep moving if they want to be safe...and they know that I'm not to be trusted. I have Yevon's taint, so I should return...and so I should be distant before it spreads to stain them irreversibly. I cannot let that happen. I cannot let Yevon stain the bright spirit in Gippal's eye. I cannot let it stain and drain Paine's determination and her love for Nooj. I cannot let it draw Nooj deeper into the quagmire of himself. The best means to accomplishing this would be to flee them before they become contaminated. Maybe, from a distance, I may be able to do something to aid them or, if not, to at least show the true face of Yevon and his servants to Spira.

I don't think I could go back to Bevelle, directly, as those who were involved in this would doubtlessly recognize me and I rather doubt I'd have a warm welcome waiting me, regardless. If not there, then I could try Guadosalam. I hear the newer of the Maesters keeps himself there and there are many rumors of his disagreements with the others in Yevon's ranks; perhaps I could find some manner of agreement with the man. They say every Maester has his price, so I only need to find what draws and drives this one. It shouldn't be too difficult and, through him, I can refind my path to Bevelle as well as its greater secrets.

...I write all this as if it would be so easy, but, even with what has happened, I don't want to leave them. I know that I can't trust myself around them and I know that I'm a danger, but...I still don't want to be apart from them. I guess it's just time to...to grow up and to accept that we must sometimes give up the things we love most, for the greater good. It's not as if I'm vital to them, anyway. Paine and Nooj have come to support each other perfectly and Paine now knows every bit of knowledge necessary to keep Nooj in relative comfort; she's been doing it all on her own, this long, so there's really no reason to worry about that. She can likely even draw Nooj from his current mood without any real trouble and Nooj can guide the three of them to some manner of safety. Gippal...

...Gippal.

I don't know if I can bring myself to leave him, regardless of how scared I am of hurting him. I'd like nothing more than to believe him when he tells me that everything is alright, but...I just can't. I don't think anything will ever be alright again. How can it when I can't even bring myself to look Gippal in the eye, let alone to touch him? I love him so much, but...I'm so scared. I've already held a gun to his temple with every intention of firing; how can I trust that, the next it happens, someone'll be there to pull me back, since I clearly can't control myself? I used to be so scared of being separate from them...and now I'm so afraid of being too close to them. This is the great power of Yevon and its servants.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One more day.

I'll give myself one more day to fully say goodbye to them and to make the break complete. I just need to see their faces and hear their voices a little longer and I can leave them without trouble, I promise...