One More Confessional

Part Twenty

197S9.9.27

Nooj found us a path off the main road, and our next planned stop, after we rest out the daylight, is the Mi'ihen Travel Agency. We'll get some supplies there -- we didn't have much on us when we fled Mushroom Rock Road, just weapons and a little food and water -- and then continue on to Luca. It's a sensible plan.

The going is a bit rough here; parts of the trail are old and overgrown, and we needed to help Nooj over many rocks and roots at first. The next stretch was easier. He seems stronger, too, more himself, which is such a relief. I was beginning to worry that whatever happened to him would have lasting effects. I can breathe more easily now.

Well, on Nooj's account, at least. Baralai seems more withdrawn every minute, and not even Gippal is really getting through to him. Maybe he's the one I should be concerned about. Should I go to him, let him know that no one blames him for his actions in the cave?

No, I'd better not. Gippal is the one he loves; Gippal is the one with the best chance of breaking down this wall he's thrown up around himself. I'll leave them be.

After telling us his plan to head for the Travel Agency, Nooj invited me to join him for a quick wash before bed at a stream he found. He just headed over that way, and now I will follow.

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He has given up hunting death.

He is going to live for me.

I don't have to be afraid anymore.

Nooj, I love you. I love you so much.

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After our dip in the brook, Nooj and I laid out together on the grass to dry, and then he reached for me and started to talk.

That's when he told me. That he is Deathseeker no longer, that my love has turned him from his quest, that he wants to live so that we can be together.

This time I couldn't help it: I grabbed him and burst into tears, my face nestled against his bare chest. Tears of relief, of happiness, of pure joy. At first he seemed concerned, stroking me and murmuring soothing words into my ear, but then he lifted my head and his face filled with wonder as he reached understanding. As our eyes met, I felt him harden against me, and suddenly I needed him with a desperation unlike anything I had ever known. Without prelude, I sheathed him and began to ride, and his frenzy soon matched my own, both of us drawing blood with nails and teeth, each driven by a need to get inside the other's skin, to become one person, a single entity, as we are meant to be. We rolled over, and his weight pressed down on me as I cried out and so did he, not caring who might hear as we were swept away by our love and by the power of life.

He is alive. And he will stay alive. For me. I have done battle with death, and I am victorious.

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The sun is setting, and we've reached the Travel Agency. We're taking a breather before we restock; the last bit of the trek was fairly taxing, so it's nice to sit here with my back to the chocobo corral fence. The proprietor seems to be gone -- I stuck my head in a few minutes ago, and the shop was empty, so we'll have to buy our supplies later anyway. I don't know where the guys are. Nooj is standing on the bluff over there, looking out over the water, the set of his shoulders pensive. I wonder what he's planning now?

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That idiotic, arrogant, patronizing, fiend-damned man!

I'd wondered whether the Maesters might dismiss me with a pat on the head, but I never thought that Nooj would subject me to such treatment. He wants me to stay here, to beg asylum at the damn Travel Agency while the three of them go off to overthrow Yevon. Why? Why would he do this to me? I understand the need to break up the group, that it's too dangerous for all four of us to travel together. It breaks my heart to leave Gippal and Baralai, but it's necessary. I know that. But packing me off to be a good little girl in hiding while he goes off to do who knows what? Dammit, I could help him. What happened to the Nooj who put me in the front lines as we fought our way across Bikanel? Doesn't he know I can take care of myself? Hell, I've been taking care of him lately! And he repays me by sending me away?

I will not cry, dammit I will not cry!

Damn him. Damn him. I hope he rots with the fiends.

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Maybe I'm overreacting. It's just so hard, the thought of leaving him, even for a little while. A few hours ago, he was promising to do everything he could to live, to stay with me. Now he's rushing off on a mad mission, alone, and there's nothing I can do to help him. Before he left me, he kissed me and promised to return when he can. But what if that day never comes? Just because he's not actively seeking death doesn't mean he can't be killed. I know the stories; he was reckless with his life even before he was Deathseeker, and old habits die hard. What if he never comes back, and I wait here forever?

No. I can't think that way. I have to trust that he will return. I'll go mad otherwise. I love him, and I think he loves me. We will be together again. I have to believe that. If he doesn't send for me soon, I will find him. Somehow.

The guys are standing in front of the Travel Agency now, saying their goodbyes. They've all made their farewells to me already; Gippal and Baralai both hugged me fiercely and swore to send word when they are safe. They're heading to Luca, together if they can, but they've promised to split up if it becomes too dangerous. Nooj hasn't said outright where he's going, but from the hints he's dropped I think he's heading back to Mushroom Rock, hoping to take refuge with his old allies in the Crusaders. I'm supposed to stay here, gathering intelligence from travelers on the Highroad as quietly as I can, and the others will check in with me as much as possible.

Fayth, I wish this didn't have to end. I'm going to miss them so much -- they're the closest thing I've ever really had to a family. It can't be over forever, can it?

Hopefully not. But just in case it is-- I think there's some space left on the sphere in my camera. So I'll take this last shot of Squadron Five standing together. For old time's sake. The sun will be gone soon; I'd better catch the scene before it gets too dark.

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