"My name is Ambrose…" the hedgehog began.
"Hi, Ambrose," muttered the Abbeybeasts.
"…and, though I 'ate to admit it, I 'ave a drinking problem."
"There is nothing to be ashamed of here, Ambrose," said Mortimer. "Everyone here has proved bravery just by coming. There is nothing that you can say here that will make us think badly of you."
"Right. Well, anyway, being the cellar keeper and all, it's kind of embarrassin' to 'ave this problem. I'm supposed to be a good, moral 'edge'og, but sometimes it's just too tough to do."
"Just start at the beginning," advised Mortimer. "When did this problem begin?"
"Well, I didn't start 'avin' this problem 'til I was older. My life was pretty awful; vermin 'ad burned me 'ome, the missus wouldn't leave me be, and I 'ad six young'uns to care for. Life was just so 'ard. One day, one of me fellow 'ogs I knew in Mossflower took me to another 'og's place, and 'e 'ad there some really different drink. 'E said to me, 'e says, 'Ambrose, just drink this, and it'll make you feel all better.' Well, at the end of me rope, I tried it, and by me spikes it tasted awful at first, but then it started clearing me 'ead, and I was laughin' and actin' quite foolish, but it was the first time in many a week I felt 'appy.
"Anyway, I 'eaded 'ome, and there was the missus, waiting at the door for me. She was probably quite angry at the time, but I didn't notice. She didn't look to me like she usually did: an ole run-down 'og wife in a tattered nightshirt with her spikes in curlers and marsh cream on her face. She looked like the pretty liddle 'og maid I married all dem seasons ago. I told 'er that, but instead of doin' what I thought she'd do—sweepin' me up in a big 'ug—she says to me, 'Ambrose, you've been into the ale at ole Spikkle's place, 'aven't you?' And so then she makes me sleep outside, which I didn't quite mind, since the outside looked so pretty."
"And what happened then, Ambrose?"
"Well, I slept nicely, snorin' like a den of badgers, but the next day, me 'ead was a-poundin' and me eyes were 'urtin' so bad from the sun. Also, me missus 'ad returned to 'er ole state, and the liddle 'ogs seemed ten-times more wild than ever. I 'ad to go back down to Spikkle's place every night to feel good, and, after about a month of this, the missus kicked me out of the 'ome. I felt so terrible, knowin' I 'and't 'elped 'er at all, and I'd been ignorin' the liddle'uns."
"And is that where you realized you had a drinking problem, Ambrose?" asked Mortimer.
"Well, pretty much. I wandered 'round and 'round Mossflower, until I came to the Abbey 'ere."
"Aye, I remember that, day," commented Jess, who sat nervously on her chair. "You were drunk as a skunk, too. We thought you were just delusional."
"Well, I was kinda 'alf and 'alf. I'd been drinkin' some grog I'd found, and I was getting' a little crazy from goin' days without eatin' or getting' out of the sun."
"And then we took you in," said the Abbot. "We haven't noticed any real problems from you so far in the seasons you've been 'ere."
"Well, that's 'cause I 'ide me indulgences. If I get drunk down in the cellar, I find a little alcove where I sleep it off. I always find meself needin' to 'taste test' every drink I make, and I become rather surly and possessive after the testin'. I guess I should say that I'm sorry about what 'appened at the party last month. It's just that after that much October Ale and elderberry wine, I can get a little confused about what I go around sayin' to beasts." At this, he blushed and looked up at Basil.
"Sorry 'bout the comment about the, uh, you know, cottontail, and uh…"
"No offense taken," Basil said rather stiffly.
"Anyway, I just want everybeast to know that I'll try to keep away from the stuff. I think I might need someone to watch me, a cellar keeper assistant or somethin' like that."
"We'll see what we can do, Ambrose," reassured Abbot Mortimer. "Now, everyone, I think that Ambrose has come to a good conclusion, and I hope you all can help him in whatever way you find best. Shall we give Ambrose the "We'll Help You Out" chant? And say it with feeling this time, everybeast!"
Again, the group stood and clasped paws and recited:
"You've realized your problem,
And we've all learned what it's about
If you ever need some guidance,
You can be sure we'll help you out."