Chapter 35: Giving You An Out

"Derek, we need to talk."

The way Meredith had said those four words filled Derek's heart with dread. Her voice was barren, her stare still vacant.

Derek slipped his shoes off and climbed fully on the bed, settling himself next to Meredith. He didn't like her tone and was afraid of what she might say, so he placed a gentle finger over her soft lips.

He wrapped his arms protectively around her tiny body, pulling her small back so it was pressed tightly against his chest.

"Shhh." He whispered as he stroked her hair and rubbed her back tenderly.

He didn't want to hear what she had to say. He knew she was exhausted and traumatized and whatever words would come out of her mouth might not be ones she really meant. So he held her. He buried his face into her soft hair and breathed her in. His hand moved softly up and down her arm, caressing her skin until he felt her relax.

Soon her breathing grew heavy, and her heart beat steadied. And only then, when Derek thought she had finally fallen asleep, did he let his heavy eyes close. He let out a quiet sigh of relief, knowing that sleep would do them good. Knowing sleep might ease the pain that Meredith seemed to be internally struggling with.

The dark and peaceful sleep had almost claimed Derek when he felt Meredith slightly shake against his body. He listened and couldn't mistake the sound of her sniffling.

She was crying. And for some reason unknown to Derek, she didn't want him to know.

Instead of letting her pull away, Derek increased the strength of his grip and pulled her closer, burying her body with his. He knew words were of no use right now, so he remained quiet, letting his body offer solid comfort as she cried herself to sleep.

Meredith woke with a start. She blinked rapidly, her mind confused as she tried to put everything together. When had she fallen asleep? Her eyes were red and face puffy from crying most of the night. Derek had held her close, trying to comfort her, but that had only made things worse.

She laid awake most of the night debating inside her head whether or not she was making the right choice or not. As painful as it was and as bad as her heart ached, she knew what she had to do.

Meredith shifted her sore body on the bed and realized she was now alone. Derek must have snuck out when she finally drifted off. She sighed, relieved that what she had to say could wait a moment longer. She would need to prepare herself, find a way to be strong about it.

Soft footsteps in her doorway caused Meredith to look up and inhaled sharply. Her relief was shortly lived, as Derek stood handsome at the foot of her bed, obviously showered, and cleaned up for the day, holding a Krispy Kreme donut bag in his hand.

"Hello gorgeous." He tilted his head and smiled, taking her unreadable expression in. He moved to the side of the bed and pulled the meal tray over, reaching in the bag to present his gifts.

"I know you must be starved… so I took a little detour and stopped to get your favorites." He slowly pulled out a chocolate frosted donut with a light layer of rainbow sprinkles and a small carton of whole milk.

"I'm not even going to lecture you about empty calories this morning." Derek winked, hoping to get anything from her blank stare; anger would satisfy him at the moment.

Meredith stared at the treats before her and fought the tears that wanted to drop. His 'little detour' was quite the understatement; the closest Krispy Kreme was all the way across town.

She shook her head and tried a smile, but her lips wouldn't cooperate. Her heart was heavy, and her insides felt raw. She needed to get this over with.

"Derek." Her voice cracked and the feeling of dread from the night before was instant in Derek's stomach.

"Come on Mer. Take a bite. It'll make you feel better." He lifted the pastry, desperately trying to ignore the painful empty look in her eyes.

"Derek!" Her voice was suddenly firm, causing Derek to rock back slightly.

He sighed and finally nodded, placing the donut back down on the napkin and wiping his fingers on the faded blue of his denims.

He lifted his eyes to meet hers. "What's going on Mer?"

He moved the tray to the side to make room for himself as he sat carefully on the side of her bed, facing her smiling. He lifted his hand to wipe a strand of silky hair from her face, but Meredith jerked back, escaping his touch.

Derek grew serious and tilted his head confused. "Mer?" Now his voice cracked.

Meredith drew in a shaky breath before starting. "Derek…"

Again, there was that tone of voice that he didn't like, and he immediately shook his head.

She continued, ignoring the pleading in his eyes by looking away to stare out the window as she talked. "I… I can't do this to you anymore… I can't …." She shook her head. "It's like… I'm cancer or something… I infect everything… everything I touch… It's no wonder my father walked away... and my mother… my own mother couldn't stand me…"

Derek's heart broke more and more with each word his fiancée spoke. The painful tears that slipped down her cheek were like a sharp sword in his already bleeding chest.

"Meredith." He tried again but his voice was so overcome with emotion it barely came out a whisper.

Meredith continued, Derek's interruption unnoticed. "I understand now… I'm bad luck… I bring no good everywhere I go…cancer." She spat the last word out.

Meredith finally removed her gaze from the window to look back at Derek. She pretended that the tears filling his blue eyes didn't kill her or that his fearful expression didn't put that final nail in her coffin.

"So here it is… I'm giving you an out. All I've ever brought you is pain… distress and sorrow… it's not fair to you…You don't have to stick around. I won't be responsible for continuously bringing you down. For the hurt you continue to feel. I won't do that Derek… I won't."

Derek squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. For being such a beautifully smart doctor, she could be so frustrating… so foolish, so dumb.

He opened his eyes and cleared his throat. "Meredith. You can't be serious…."

He opened his mouth to continue when he was cut off.

"Don't Derek. Don't say anything. Just… just go… it's easier this way… better… please… just leave."

"No."

"Derek! I'm not asking… I'm telling! You don't have to be the good guy here. Please… leave… now."

Derek wanted to laugh. He wanted to shake her and make her come to her senses. He found himself speechless and once again shook his head, completely flabbergasted.

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and reached out to grab her hand. It was met with her slender fingers pressing something small and hard into his open palm.

Derek snapped his head up surprised, not even needing to open his hand to see what it was.

Anger swelled as he gripped the precious item in his fist. He stood and stared down quietly a moment, before turning and walking out of the room.

Meredith finally let her sob out as her body shook from despair. It hurt. It hurt so bad, but she had to do it. She loved Derek so much and she no longer wanted to be the one to blame for bringing him down. He deserved better. He deserved uncomplicated.

Meredith let her tears fall as she stared down at her hand. The empty spot on her finger felt foreign and sad. She rubbed the pale skin, trying to erase the memory of what used to sit there. She rubbed and rubbed until she could stand it no longer and forced her hand under the cotton blanket.

She took a breath and leaned back into her soft pillow. She closed her eyes and willed herself to forget. Forget her pain, forget his face; forget the way his mouth dropped when she pressed the engagement ring in his hand. She willed herself to just forget the world.