When Kirsten went up to bed, Sandy wasn't there. The bedroom looked exactly the same as it normally did, but it did not feel the same to Kirsten any longer. Getting into bed, Kirsten was pondering whether to sleep in the spare room. It only increased her pain, to consider sleeping in the bed which she had shared for so long with Sandy and which, to her, represented their togetherness, and the love which she had tested too much and now seemed to be breaking apart. She didn't turn the light off so that Sandy could see when he eventually came to bed. She wondered where he was: his study? Outside? It then occurred to her that he might have left the house and gone…gone where?
'Gone to who?' she thought suddenly. The fact that her husband may be sleeping not only apart from her, but with someone else, made her feel almost ill. She sat up in bed, taking deep gasping breaths: and it was her fault. He wouldn't have done it if she hadn't done what she had to him- it was her fault, the pain she felt was thanks to her. And the pain she had made Sandy feel- she didn't want to think about the look on his face earlier on. She lay slowly back down, feeling completely empty. Then, she took out her arm from under the duvet and turned off the light.
The next morning, Sandy entered the kitchen to find Seth and Ryan sitting at the table, eating cereal. Seth was doing the puzzles on the back of the cereal box and Ryan was reading some kind of textbook. They both greeted him without turning, so as not to break their concentration. Sandy started to make the coffee, automatically making some for Kirsten. This action was unconscious but when he realised this, after giving a dry laugh and running his hands through his hair, he left the kitchen. He was both surprised and not surprised to find tears in his eyes when he left the room.
For the next few days, Kirsten and Sandy both suffered silently but increasingly. Kirsten felt like a lost soul- at work she did what she had to mechanically and without really thinking. So when Julie burst into the room one morning she waited for another pile of documents to land on her desk, without thinking about or looking at Julie herself. When no papers entered her line of vision she looked up, startled suddenly.
'Oh, hi Julie. Can I help?' Julie stood in front of her and looked at her face.
'Kirsten, what the hell is going on? You look like death, and you're acting kind of like you're dead as well.'
Kirsten tried to smile but failing, tried to bluff her way out:
'Oh, loads of work.' Julie's eyebrows raised. 'And..I haven't been sleeping well.' Kirsten could feel herself getting closer to breaking down and telling Julie the truth. 'Er…I missed breakfast this morning so I guess I don't have much energy..which could explain the..death..thing' She could feel that Julie didn't believe anything she said, and what she said next this reinforced the fact that she never had been or would be a good liar.
'Ok, so looking like death was an understatement. Something's happened with Sandy, that I can tell. So if you're going to attempt lying, start off with that.' There was a silence. Kirsten put her face in her hands and spoke:
'Things aren't good between me and Sandy….but…I..Sandy….' she broke off, and her body started to shake with the tears that flowed from her eyes. She felt Julie's arm round her and heard her murmuring some words of comfort.
'Don't worry, Kirsten. It'll be fine. You and Sandy can't break up- you're, like, THE epitone..epitome..whatever of love everlasting! I mean I didn't think there were such things as perfect couples but then you guys- I'm so jealous you know.' Kirsten didn't laugh.
'Hey mum, guess what we're all going to this weekend? This amazing party..it's on the beach and..it's going to be so cool.'
'Seth, all the parties you go to are on the beach.' Answered Kirsten wearily, assuming 'all' meant him and Ryan.
'No, mum, I don't like that attitude much. Looking a little sad? What's the problem? Can I help in any way, be it going to get you some medicine or maybe promising to give dad your suicide note.' Ryan glared at Seth and pushed him out of the room.
'Hey, seriously, are you sure you're ok?' he asked, obviously concerned. Kirsten looked him.
'No. Frankly, Ryan, I'm not ok. But I'm not quite at the stage of suicide notes yet.' Ryan stared at her, not knowing what to reply. So she asked him about the party.
'Oh, yeah, it's the Franklin's house-warming party.' He needed to say no more- Kirsten, in her emotionally shattered state, even managed to feel a bit impressed. But then she registered that the Franklin's were definitely comtemparies of hers rather than her sons. Ryan answered any questions she was about to ask:
'We're all invited: you, Sandy, me and Seth. It'll be really good.' Kirsten nodded at him and wondered what would happen.
She went outside and looking out in the direction of the sea saw Sandy outlined at the end of the garden. He heard her behind him and turned round. She looked awful; the effects of what she was feeling were imprinted on her face. He suddenly felt totally responsible for what was destroying his wife, and his heart told him to go to her. However then he remembered why he had done what he had, and in his heart he felt pain once more. With these two conflicting directions inside him, he tried to speak calmly:
'Do you want to go to the party?' Kirsten realised how few times they had spoken over the last couple of days. She wanted so much to speak to him, cry to him, beg him to forgive her. She spoke one word:
'Yes.' Sandy nodded, and behind the pain in his eyes she was sure she could see love once again.
'We'll go then.' They stood gazing at each other, yearning for each other, but then Sandy turned his head away and sat back down on the grass, with his back to her.